So Jen wants you to think our national parks are all fun and games and kayaking and snuggling baby otters and stuff. Well, we live in Florida, man! We have the Everglades where literally everything wants to kill and eat you. Or kill you and leave your body for something ELSE to eat you. But definitely with the killing thing.
What, you think I'm exaggerating?
THIS ALLIGATOR WANTS TO EAT YOUR FACE.
That's right, a smashed cake alligator wants to kill you. It's serious down here, guys.
And then there's the snakes:
Which this baker has so helpfully illustrated mid-murder.
We've got poison toads:
"I want you to croak."
And giant angry spiders:
Who team up with killer bees...
Did I mention the snakes?
BECAUSE WE HAVE A LOT OF SNAKES.
Not to mention the armies of squirrel-sized mosquitoes:
They're very friendly. No sense of personal space.
Because of course we have panthers. Why wouldn't we have panthers?! I mean, what would a swamp be without FRIGGIN PANTHERS?!?!?!
To sum up, if you come to one of Florida's many beautiful national parks, you're gonna die. Probably. Best not to chance it. Just go to Disney and marvel at the animatronic deer and bunnies, which are super lifelike this time of year.
This has been a public service announcement from Cheryl G., Kelly V., Tracey S., Anony M., Sarah G., Andrew W., Ashley M., Kelly R., & Gretchen T.