Just Clowning Around

Hey, remember when clowns were funny, endearing creatures that delighted young children with their crazy antics and playful innocence?

Yeah, me neither.

"I WILL EAT YOUR SOUL."

Believe it or not, I used to BE a clown. I'm talking face paint, balloon animals - the works. I realize that automatically makes me creepy and terrifying, but as a five-foot-tall, pigtail-wearing geek girl, I'm actually Ok with that.

"FEAR ME!!"

"Oh, and could you grab the Cheerios off the top shelf? I can't reach."

You're probably wondering how children reacted to me as a clown, since everyone knows clowns only exist to obtain your internal organs in as bloody a method as possible - which they will then juggle in front of you, cackling, while an out-of-tune calliope churns slowly in the background and you're surrounded by fun house mirrors and porcelain dolls with empty eye sockets who somehow seem to be getting closer... and closer...

Sorry, where was I?

Oh, right. The kids.

To be honest, I spent my clowning days way more scared of children than they ever were of me. You see, children are very small. And fast. And when you present a pack of them with a single defenseless clown holding an excessively large bag of free candy, children can make the Hunger Games look like an episode of Mister Rogers. 

Little Known Fact: clowns bleed squirty flowers.

And if you think a headless clown is unsettling, imagine a huge pile of nothing but clown heads.

Or better yet, just look at this:

(Ok, so maybe "better" wasn't the right word...)

Now imagine it slowly rotating, while a music box tinkles in the next room, and the door behind you creeeaks open to reveal a pale little girl with black, staring eyes, who suddenly shrieks...

"MAKE ME A BALLOON ANIMAL!!!"

O.O

Thanks to Anony M., Liz M., Dena R., Kristina K., & Carrie M., who dare you to look at this clown I found in a local arcade here in Orlando. That's right: THEY DARE YOU. Me, I'll just be whimpering over here in the corner...

*****

P.S. Speaking of balloon animals, can we talk about how stinking cute these doggy balloons are?

"Walking" Dog Balloons, 6 Pk


You can fill them with either air or helium, and then "walk" them on their ribbon leashes, which is friggin' adorable:

And it’s only $10 for the 6 pack!

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And from my other blog, Epbot:

Nah, These Won't Traumatize The Kids At ALL

These cakes are all quite nicely done. I'm sure that will be of some comfort to the kids when they're in therapy.

Sock-hop it to me, Audrey R.!

Yes, happy birthday, girls, from Headless Flo and her Tinker-Toy Poodle Skirt of Probable Misfortune. ("Doom" was taken.)

Now, who wants ice cream?

"No, no, Patrick, the dinosaur isn't trying to eat you. He's here to party!"

See? Look at that cute little party hat! It really bring out his razor sharp teeth, don't you think, Selah T.?

Speaking of teeth...

This looks like the aftermath of a fairy-tale massacre, or in other words, a-DOR-able! [sing-song voice] Say, Arloe S., is that middle pig coming or going?

[announcer voice] "Hey parents, are you tired of boring, peaceful birthday parties? Want to add a little more excitement back into the one-year celebration? Then ask for the Dead Elephant special!"

[Kids yelling] "Yay! Dead elephants!"

[announcer] "That's right, kids! Yes, these delectable globs of deceased pachyderms tell the world: this party is gonna be killer!

"Side effects may include screaming, crying, thumb-sucking, sweating, itchy palms, irritable bowel, and a life-long fear of blue animals. Not recommended for children with nervous constitutions or sensitive bladders. Dead elephants are not responsible for any damages - real or imagined - done to your children. Void where prohibited, all rights reserved."

You've got a killer eye there, Andrew C.

*****

And speaking of dinosaurs…

Punctuation Saves Lives

:D

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And from my other blog, Epbot: