Who Cut The Cheese?

That's right, folks: the day you've been waiting for is finally here. All those hours of planning, long nights of anticipation, and stockpiling of Lactaid pills will finally pay off, because today...is Cheesecake Wreck Day.

Now, I know what you're thinking. "Jem," you're thinking - because you frequently get me mixed up with the 80s cartoon rocker - "Jem, how is it even possible to Wreck a cheese cake?"

Why, like this, my adorably confused reader:

[singing] "This-is-how-we-do-it!"

Aww, I see this was taken on my birthday, Mike & Angie. Well, thanks for the thought and all, but that drippy brown splotch has just reminded me: I...uh...don't eat drippy brown splotches. Sorry.

So that's a traditional cheesecake Wreck, but what if I told you it gets even Wreckier?

BEHOLD, THE WEDDING CHEESE CAKE WRECK!!!

Yes, my dear Wreckies, I'm afraid it's true: that is a "cake" made entirely of cheese. And not a sweet cream cheese, either - oh no. I'm talkin' the stuff that gets described with words like "sharp," "green veining," and "stinky feet." And it's a wedding cake.

I wish I could say this is a one-time fluke, but unfortunately wedding cheese "cakes" are a growing trend. They're not in addition to the traditional cake, either; they're in place of it. Meaning there is no actual wedding cake at these weddings - just cheese. Cheese! As if that's an acceptable substitute!

What happened to the time-tested wedding arrangement? You know, the one where we bring expensive linens, crystal, and espresso-makers in exchange for a free meal, a little boozy dancing, and a slice of gorgeously decorated, oh-so-scrumptious cake?

Frankly, it only adds insult to injury when someone tries to "pretty" these things up, too:

Fake flowers and ribbon pinned (yes, pinned) into cheese wheels does not an elegant "cake" make.

Still, nothing's as bad as combining cake, cheese, and a pork pie all into a single display:

The question is, can you tell which layer is which?

Cass J., Anony M., Stella P., & Second Anony., I Camembert it; all the Gouda puns Havarti been used!

*****

P.S. If you also enjoy cheesy puns, then BRIE-HOLD!

"Sweet Dreams Are Made Of Cheese" Shirt

::wipes away tear:: It's just so beautiful.

Also it comes in more colors at the link, but I think purple is prettiest. :)

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And from my other blog, Epbot:

All Thumbs

You've got to hand it to a baker who can knuckle down and bring a touch of class to a "Finger Football" cake:

Offhand I'd say they nailed the look with some sort of digital manipulations, but I can't quite put my finger on it.

Oh, and I heard there used to be a few more fingers on the cake board, but you can never put too much faith in second hand rumors.

Hey, Elizabeth M., slap me two!

*****

P.S. Omigosh. MINIONS. Amazon just presented me with the greatest robe hooks of all time. Here, let me give you a few pointers:

Eh? EH?
Of course then I realized these are actually "practice fingers" for manicurists, not robe hooks. Hmph.

Whatever. Slap a command strip on these bad boys and you can still achieve peak Addams Family aesthetic. I'm thinking purse hooks in the entry way, or - OR - cabinet knobs on the bathroom vanity? Ooooh. You can even paint the nails to match your decor! It's brilliant, I tell you, BRILLIANT.

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot: