AB-Solute Sexiness!

Every now and then I start thinking maybe I should diet. This is because, according to every piece of media everywhere, I am not a man until I have abs. And while I've never seen my abs, I assume they're around here somewhere - possibly hiding under 37 years of extra cheese.

Luckily, I work at Cake Wrecks and so have a handy guide as to what my abs will look like during the dieting process.

First, after losing my initial cheese-ton of weight, I'll probably just have a lot of extra loose skin:

My sexiness will have begun.

 

Then, after hundreds and hundreds of hours in the gym, I will develop the coveted "3 pack:"

"Look into my pectoral eyes, and weep at my chiseled beauty. WEEP, I SAY."

 

Which will soon begin to divide...

...and look mildly shocked at being discovered.

 

Later, after countless thousands more hours in the gym and a steady diet of kale and corn husks, my abs will really start to spread out:

Like Twinkies under a blanket.

Mmmm Twinkies...

 

And finally, after years of neverending, staggering misery, I will be able to bask in the glory of my oh-so-sexy new abs:

Like Brad Pitt, only better.
And a little more lopsided.

[head tilt]

Huh.

You know, on second thought, I think my abs are happy where they are.

Right, guys?

Right.

Now, who wants Twinkies?

 

Thanks to Ashlee, Brandi H., Solveig, Anony M., Stephanie S., & Stephanie A. for presenting their bodies of evidence... and for sharing the snack cakes. [hint hint]

*****

P.S. Hey. Speaking of chests, here's a quick shout-out to my favorite wire-free bra:

Warner's Easy Does It Seamless Wireless Bra

I own four of these, and plan to keep buying all the colors. Up 'til last year I ONLY wore wired bras - usually Warners - and it took buying-and-returning over a dozen different brands and styles before I found a wireless one I liked. This one averages $25-30 Prime, but I watch the listing and buy any color that goes on sale for less than $20. (Today "Lilac" is $18, so I snagged one of those.)

I love the under-arm smoothing panel - no dig or pinch! - and like most Warners, these are incredibly comfortable. Be sure to check the image gallery for a better idea of how they look on larger tracts of land.

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

I Finally Get The Last Word… So Of Course It’s Misspelled

Yeah! Go SPORTS!

 

Of course it's easy to focus on the mistakes, so let's take a second to appreciate that somewhere there's a professional baker who actually did this... on purpose.

("I call it, 'Barbie's Dream Petri Dish.'")

 

Could be worse, though. This one makes me want to launch a CSI investigation:

("Looks like Merle... [SUNGLASSES].... got smoked.")

And yes, I do realize "CSI investigation" is redundant.

 

SPEAKING of which...

Ow. My brain.

 

Because nothing delights a girl on her birthday quite like chopping off the head of a terrified Minnie Mouse:

"Don't worry, Minnie, this'll only hurt for seconds."

 

Just think: last week two of you loyal wrecky minions spotted this display, took a photo, and sent it in to me:

I love it when that happens! It's like Missed Connections, Cake Wrecks style!

So Sara? Brittany? YOUR DESTINY TOGETHER AWAITS.
(Dibs on the wedding cake photos.)

Oh, and I think that bamboo plant is trying to lick us.

 

A few weeks ago a couple of readers had a discussion on Twitter about Cake Wrecks, and since they kept tagging me in it, I was privy to their thoughts on how our posting misspelled cakes smacks of "intellectual snobbery," and really isn't that funny anyway.

I didn't reply at the time because the two weren't talking TO me, just ABOUT me. However, now, at long last, I believe I have an appropriate response.

Ahem hem hem.

This was supposed to say "Celebrate."

[drops mic]
[walks off stage]
[trips]
[scrambles up]
[steps on skirt]
[pantses self]
[slinks off, stage left]

YEAH.

 

Thanks to Mag D., Allison A., Mark F., Laura H., Sara E., Brittany A., & Barb F. for celetraling with us.

*****

P.S. I have a growing collection of fun pattern dresses, and this nerdy pineapple print is currently calling my name:

Scoop-Neck Sundress, Your Choice of 25 Patterns

Then I saw I can also choose taco cats, galaxy prints, or rainbow unicorns, so... I have some decisions to make. :D These dresses are made of a stretchy, almost bathing-suit-like material - which I know sounds weird, but it's AMAZING for summer. Stretchy and comfy, and the colors never fade like my cotton/knit dresses. Only downside is they have no pockets (booo), but for $25 I can forgive that hideous oversight - mostly because I wear these with cardigans that have their own pockets. ;)