Just Clowning Around

Hey, remember when clowns were funny, endearing creatures that delighted young children with their crazy antics and playful innocence?

Yeah, me neither.

"I WILL EAT YOUR SOUL."

Believe it or not, I used to BE a clown. I'm talking face paint, balloon animals - the works. I realize that automatically makes me creepy and terrifying, but as a five-foot-tall, pigtail-wearing geek girl, I'm actually Ok with that.

"FEAR ME!!"

"Oh, and could you grab the Cheerios off the top shelf? I can't reach."

You're probably wondering how children reacted to me as a clown, since everyone knows clowns only exist to obtain your internal organs in as bloody a method as possible - which they will then juggle in front of you, cackling, while an out-of-tune calliope churns slowly in the background and you're surrounded by fun house mirrors and porcelain dolls with empty eye sockets who somehow seem to be getting closer... and closer...

Sorry, where was I?

Oh, right. The kids.

To be honest, I spent my clowning days way more scared of children than they ever were of me. You see, children are very small. And fast. And when you present a pack of them with a single defenseless clown holding an excessively large bag of free candy, children can make the Hunger Games look like an episode of Mister Rogers. 

Little Known Fact: clowns bleed squirty flowers.

And if you think a headless clown is unsettling, imagine a huge pile of nothing but clown heads.

Or better yet, just look at this:

(Ok, so maybe "better" wasn't the right word...)

Now imagine it slowly rotating, while a music box tinkles in the next room, and the door behind you creeeaks open to reveal a pale little girl with black, staring eyes, who suddenly shrieks...

"MAKE ME A BALLOON ANIMAL!!!"

O.O

Thanks to Anony M., Liz M., Dena R., Kristina K., & Carrie M., who dare you to look at this clown I found in a local arcade here in Orlando. That's right: THEY DARE YOU. Me, I'll just be whimpering over here in the corner...

*****

P.S. Speaking of balloon animals, can we talk about how stinking cute these doggy balloons are?

"Walking" Dog Balloons, 6 Pk


You can fill them with either air or helium, and then "walk" them on their ribbon leashes, which is friggin' adorable:

And at $12 for the 6 pack, that's only $2 per pup!

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

Get Ready To Be The Butt Of A LOT Of Jokes, Ana

This was supposed to say, "We love you, Ana!"

You know, with an exclamation point.

That's... not what she got.

Though to be fair, it did cause some exclaiming, all right.

Thanks to Rachel M. for reminding us that the important thing is everyone has a good time... in the end.

*****

P.S. Speaking of butts, here's something that saved mine during a long painting day recently:

No Buckle No-Show Stretch Belt

This is my new favorite belt, y'all. It basically turns anything with belt loops into an elastic waist. So comfy I forget it's on, slimline so it doesn't show under my t-shirts, and NO BELT BUCKLE to dig into my belly or unbuckle for bathroom breaks. Woohoo!

You know how stretch jeans are forever sliding down when you sit or bend, so you have to keep hitching them back up? No more! I wear this with all my jeans now. It's entirely elastic, so it moves and stretches with you, zero painful digging. I HIGHLY recommend for anyone well endowed with squish in the belly area.