My Other Blog

What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen

The Twilight Zone

Tonight I'm going to be doing a live author chat over on Twilight Moms, a website devoted to moms who enjoy astronomical chitchat.

Or maybe they have something to do with vampires. Hm. Come to think of it, that might explain a few things, actually...

Well, if I've learned anything from being a fangirl myself (though admittedly more of the sci-fi genre) it's that you always look for common ground when dealing with bloodthirsty devotees. That, and no sudden movements. So, Twi-hards, sink your teeth into THIS (while the rest of us casually stroll off in this direction):

As you can see, there are two crucial elements to most Twilight cakes:
1) edible photo paper, and
2) lots of black icing.

Unfortunately, black icing does tend to show how green the "black" ink in edible photos can be. But what can you do? Draw something?

Say, this is actually pretty good! And way to represent the big girls, baker; I'm tired of the skinny chick always getting the sparkly immortal. Even if she is impaling his arm with her big ol' man-hand.

Well, better get back to the formula, I suppose. Only, what's that you say? You want MORE black icing? Nooo problem:

Well that's gonna leave a mark stain. No, I don't know what the white swirly bits are supposed to be. And yes, it does look like a postage stamp. But let's not give anyone ideas, mmkay?

You know, for vampire-themed cakes these things have been awfully blood-free.

Ah, that's better. The oozing bell peppers really add something, too. Specifically, something that makes even less sense than writing "Forks Twilight" on a cake.

(Yes, I know that Forks is the name of the town in the story. That's hardly an explanation, though.)

As with all cakes, the most important thing to remember when ordering a Twilight design is that nothing beats a little forethought, balance, and beautifully scripted text:

Yep, nothing would have beat any of those right about now.

[Pro tip: if you're going to scratch guide lines into the icing, keep in mind that airbrushed icing is white underneath.]

And lastly, choosing the right text for your tribute cake is also key:

"What if I'm not the hero? What if I'm the bad guy? What a stupid lamb! What a sick, masochistic lion."


Happy Birthday!

Or would it make more sense as an anniversary cake? [evil grin]

I hate to admit it, Giselle P., Katelynn B., Emily S., Jennifer T., & Itzkeleen, but I think the first Twilight Wreck I posted still takes the cake. (Keeping in mind that only the professional cakes count, of course; there are tons of hilarious amateur jobs out there.)

- Related Wreckage: The Twilight of our Discontent

« Step One: Cut a Hole in the Pumpkin | Main | Fan "Art" »

Reader Comments (291)

Is that BACON on the last cake?

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSheila Bennett

Brandy -
Because it's really hard to dye truly black or truly red frosting without it tasting awful. It's a million times easier to airbrush those colors whenever possible.

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Doesn't anyone read through the comments before posting? Bacon. Nerd. We get it. :D

As someone already said, the last cake is supposed to be representive of the four book covers: apple, red and white tulip, red ribbon and chess queen. Likewise, all of the text on the border are lines from the books. However, I don't get what the dusting of powdered sugar is all about. Snow? Sparklies? Maybe the dust of ancient Volturi's?

(Whoa. Went for a joke, but all I'm seeing is pathetic Twi-tard.)

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAmberosia

Oh, "What if I'm not the hero?" I thought it said "What if I'm not the nerd." huh.

Then, what's the deal with the white fire hydrant and red hose? or maybe that's a queen chess piece. But then what's with the peppers attacking each other? WTF? Are these the best quotes available? Maybe I should read the book. I don't understand. I didn't know the vampires had a hydrant/chess connection.

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJo

On the Isabella cake, is Bella turning into a werewolf? I think her giant hand has claws!

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Oh, gracious. Your commentary is the best. Very funny!

In fact, I would never have laughed at those cakes so much without your witty insights.

Thanks for the laugh this morning.

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCookieMonster

I think there needs to be a "What if I'm not the nerd?" t-shirt!!

And thanks, Jen, for making me even *less* interested in Twilight than I ever thought possible.

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCakey Goodness

I had to come to the comments section because I'm with y'all...the last cake looks like it says "what if I'm not the nerd?"

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJo-Momma

Okay. The one where someone drew Edward and Bella (I can't believe I know their names and I've never read the books) is pretty darn awesome (even if poor Bella's arm is a bit swollen...maybe she's allergic to vampire saliva?).

The rest? Black-frosting wrecktastic. See, the way I see it, there's different levels of wrecky--"What the heck is it?", "Poo-like," and "Black frosting." XD

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMelissa (& Billy)

Is that bacon on the last cake?

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJuli

yes that totally says "what if I'm not the nerd?" I'm a Twilight fan and it took me a minute to realize that said hero.

Also in defense of the "guideline scratch marks"...I think that was on purpose because the movie art has those lines in the "Twilight" title art. The cake is still hideous though.

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSarahB

Loved all the Twilight wreckage. Some of them are words, sorry.
Yes, the last cake looks like it says "nerd". Of course, true Twihard FF fans could think they are refering to "Geekward". After all, you gotta love a geeky Edward.


October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Is that BACON on the last cake? If so, Twilight may have just made a fan out of me.

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterThe Revolutionary

Ooooh...the top one is not too bad at all! Yes, I'd do that.:o)

The bleeding, oozing, rotten apples on the Forks-Twilight cake have me scratching my head in wonder.

And how can you turn "hero" into "nerd"??

~Amy B-H

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAmy

hmmm, nerdy bacon cake for the fat chick with man hands...right on

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I agree with everybody that says it looks like "nerd."

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBridget Delaney

I saw the nerd too!!!

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered Commenter6p00e5500e2b9c8834

I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought the last one said "What if I'm not the nerd?". Am I the only one who thought "yes, you are"?

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSeattle Mama

"Nerd is the new Epcot"

That right there is funny.

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterFluffy Cow

uh is that bacon on that last cake...double ugh and horrid

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTabitha

I could of sworn that last cake said What if im not a nerd? insted of what if im not a hero? Which is halarious!!!

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

OK, OK, I thought "nerd" too for the last cake. But what on earth does the FIRST cake say? "And so the ___ [obscured by label] fill in [scribble] with the dumb"?? I'm lost. (And obviously not a Twilight aficionado.)

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Agree with everyone above - the last one looks like "nerd" instead of hero. And also it looks like a depiction of bacon rape. Does that happen in the books?

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered Commentergiddy girlie

I'm actually disappointed that the Twilight Mom's site is another bloody Twilight fansite and not really for Moms who "enjoy astronomical chitchat".

So hard to find other geek moms...

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

500th person tosay hero looks like nerd!

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

i also saw "what if i'm not the nerd". and what's with the bacon?

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

The illegible word is "guy." The quote is "What if I'm the bad guy."

Read the book about a million times.

My life is sad.

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Yep... nerd.

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTomara

Where are the Twilight cake picks when you need them?

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterElizabeth

I believe that the first cake says "and so the lion fell in love with the lamb." But don't quote me on that, I pride myself on having nothing to do with this overrated Twilight obsession.

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMitch

I read that last cake as 'What if I'm not the nerd' too. Ha!!

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKim

What are the fuzzy brown nipples on the blood stains on the Forks cake?

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKeiko

Ha! I think I AM the nerd. I read your commentary as "Ferengi" not "Fangirl"

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKerry

I'm happy to see I'm not the only one who saw "nerd" instead of hero.

Chances are, being here, we ARE the nerd. Nobody needs to worry. :-)

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

The last one makes me sad. Here was me thinking that asparagus wrapped in bacon was the least of all the hors d' oeuvres, and now just look at it. Flaunting itself with wonky peppers and skid-mark leaving chess peices all over the place.

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I totally read the last word as "epcot"

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I'm guessing that "Forks" was just a stand in for a different F word, there...

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterweb

LOL! I love the bacon slices on the bottom cake!

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I thought the word on the last cake was "herd," not "hero." I was like, "What if I'm not the herd?!!?!?"

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLindsey

As a Twihard I obsessively appreciate anything that pertains to it, even if it's poking fun or mean. So thanks.
And yeah, I think it says "What if I'm not the nerd?" twee hee hee

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTwilightTwins2

i do believe those guidelines are supposed to be a part of the 'twilight' logo. If you look at the movie posters or the one-sheets for the first movie, those guidelines are there albeit done better.

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMelissa

Yep. I agree with the "what if I'm not the nerd" comments.

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterThe co-ordinator

I saw a couple slices of bacon and the words "what if I'm not the nerd" on the last one!

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterPatty

I hope that in recipes, if for some reason they can't obtain apples, these fine artists do not regularly substitute red bell peppers. Or vice versa.

Last time I checked, they weren't the same thing.

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

To be fair, there WAS a lot of blood involved at Bella's birthday party. Why not recreate the scene in CAKE? Ick.

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Maybe the last cake came with 3-D glasses, with which I might enjoy all the stunning special effects?

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCrystal

Haha! I saw "What if I am not the NERD?" also

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I thought that was Elvis Presley and a morbidly obese Priscilla on the middle cake.

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I also saw "nerd" on the last one. But my question is: Is that BACON on the last cake? I don't know what bacon has to do with vampires, but what an idea...cake with bacon on top.

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMel

Seven cakes in one day-- that is a lot of black icing. If you feel nauseous and your lips are turning blue... you've probably been eating one of these beauties!

I like how the fourth one has a Walmart mark with the little camera symbol on the "postage stamp." You know, to keep you from using this symbol in unauthorized ways that might diminish the image. *snicker*

October 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

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