My Other Blog

What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen

...and so fourth

With Jen currently sprawled on the couch surrounded by remotes and souped up on Darvoset, I figured it would be nice of me not to make her write a post today. She still has to make dinner of course - hey, it's not like it's gonna make itself! - but sometimes sacrifices like these are required to make a marriage work. ("Hey babe? Those potatoes are looking a little lumpy...Just sayin'.")

But seriously, *heh* we've gotten a whole bunch of Fourth of July cakes and it would be a shame not to share them. "Would you say we have a plethora of cakes?" you ask. Si, Elguapo, si.

Allow me to start with what I like to call a "wait...what?" cake:

Let's take it step by step here:

1. Start with an airbrush. 'Cuz ya gos ta show off yo mad skillz.

2. Realize you don't know how to do anything but wonky lines with said airbrush.

3. Pull out trusty icing bag and try to fake us all out with hastily splooged border and stars.

4. Add red, white and blue sprinkles to distract viewers from step #2.

Next we have donuts:

Yes, doughnuts. Because they were feeling left out of all the patriotic splooging. On a side note, I've seen my share of brightly colored icing before but this stuff makes me want to chuck it in a lead barrel and bury it in a mountain somewhere.

Remember the days when decorators would at least try to make a CCC (hwok...hwok...snort...ptooie!) look like something?

Yeah, those were the days. I particularly like the blue over spray on the cake board here for that extra special "Meh, who gives a flying squirrel?"* touch.

And finally,

If you think I'm going to touch this with a ten-foot pole, you've got another thing coming.**

Thanks, all, for bearing with us on Jen's day of woozyloopytudeness. She should be back soon - same bat time, same bat channel - so stay tuned.

*See? Look how family-friendly I am!

**Ok, never mind.

Thanks to Sarah C., Lesli W., Gilian, and Amy G. WRECK ON!

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Reader Comments (102)

Jen - I hope you are feeling spunky again soon. Were you in the hospital long enough to be served any photogenic Jello wrecks? And John, really, anything less than a 4 course dinner from Jen tonight is truly grounds for divorce. :)

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCara

Mm. Third one looks like a patriotic whale... that's been harpooned and is bleeding to death, slowly discolouring the entire ocean with its blood.


July 3, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterp

Thanks John. Ten foot poles are over rated.

My best to Jen as she recovers! Happy 4th to you both. May she feel better quickly.

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCALpumper

Best wishes for a quick recovery!

Question: is there any non-terrible airbrushing out there?

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMs Avery

Feel better Jen!

And have a Wreckie 4th to all! :)

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBryna

I am all for patriotism... but it should NOT be expressed in cake form. Seriously.

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterFluffy Cow

Ah, you forgot to mention the tinsel on that last, um, cake. That's what it was, yes? The cake that was looking like . . .

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBailey's Leaf

*shudder* I don't ever want to hear "splooge" associated with food ever again.

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDoug D.

Who gives a flying squirrel?

And now (on Sunday, I assume) here's something we hope you'll really like.

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterunapologetic

Had you made her do the commentary, John, you would have been cleaning up lots of vomit. Or maybe not, but I am prone to puking my guts out for no reason on Darvocet, and those cakes gave plenty of reason.

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMelinda

Lumpy potatoes? What kind of wife is she? Why, my grandmother gave birth to my mom out in a farmers field and then kept on picking vegetables. No wonder she drones on about this lazy generation so much. Sheesh!
Step it up girl. Look after your man!


WV-rationd: you best be more appreciative - In my day this kind of humour was rationd

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJudy

Wow. Those are indeed wrecktacular! Hope you're feeling better soon, Jen." rel="nofollow">Novice Writer Anonymous

In the mad rush to airbrush stripes, the wrecker of no. 1 changed history. Apparently this nation started with only ELEVEN states and in the 200-odd years since has been reduced to TEN, according to the stars.


July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJael

The thought of consuming so much food coloring makes me feel queasy!

Get well soon, Jen. You ought to send hubby out for some non-wreck goodies to speed you on to recovery!

WandaV in AL

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Jen - may you back to your usual snarky self soon.

Nice job, John. I must say I prefer my potatoes lumpy, but to his his own.

I am almost disappointed that the last cake didn't reposition those cupcakes. A more symmetric placement could have put this way over the family-friendly line. Sometimes ten feet aren't enough!

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKelly

You made a Three Amigos reference.

This is now officially the greatest blog ever.

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBrett

Sending healing thoughts your way, Jen!

I can just picture the scene at the first picture; "WHAT?! You were going to splooge real stars and stripes on this cake? You think this bakery is made of money or something? Just airbrush it in and save the splooging for the doughnuts."

--Blue Jean

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I hope you're feeling better really really soon! Not that I didn't enjoy John's commentary today... hehe...

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSpoodles

Some events just aren't meant to be represented via cakes/cupcakes.......4th of July seems to be one of them.

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered Commenter~Anne

Holy lazy work, Batman!

The cakes, I mean...not the blog. You did a phenomenal job while Jen is recuperating. Wish her well for us!

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterViewtiful_Justin

Ah three amigos references. That movie is just confusing weird in places.

'Good night Ned.'

Oh, and those donuts remind me of an ink blot test. Its a flying fish i think. what do you see?

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I don't know why, but I really want one of those cupcakes.

By the way, the song lyric goes "you've got another think comin'".

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterkingmonkey

best whishes of recovery for Jen.

On a side note, my 6-years old just saw the red and blue... arrow (??) and commented : "Oh, a crayon!"

A patriotic crayon, Kiddo. I hope this cake tastes better than Crayola, but I somehow doubt it.

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered Commentera l'ouest

Hope Jen's feeling better, but John is a great fill-in. I appreciate his restraint when talking about the, er, fire cracker. I must admit that I love the word "splooging" but have one that a hard 'g' or a soft 'g' sound........soft 'g'sounds so onomatopoetic, but hard 'g' sounds just as funny....

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Hope you feel better soon, Jen!

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLydia

John: thanks so much for filling in today. You did Jen proud.

Jen: I do hope you're up and running around soon so you can beat that hubby of yours. ;) just kidding. Do feel better soon though.

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRenee

Thanks, John, for feeding our passion for wreckage during Jen's recovery. (Feel better soon, Jen!) Have a great fourth!

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I just fell over your site by accident - and I have kept the address with 'keep forever' next to it! Laugh? Oh the joy!! Having had few ... er .. little problem cakes myself and fighting yesterday with a baby on my granddaughther's christening cake (looked like the 'dead alien baby from hell - I HAD to remove it...!) seeing these disasters - has really put it all in perspective!! Thank you for making me laugh so much ... and keep up the good work!!

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSusanJ

John, I'm impressed with your ability to step up to the plate and bat one in for the team here. Jen, He's a keeper (if you didn't already know.) Love the last "cake" Does that decorator do bachelorette party cakes usually?

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBreath-e

Just as great as Jen. Hope she heals well today. Cause I am sure you'll be cracking that whip tomorrow.

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKelly

Hope Jen is feeling better.

I must agree with Doug D-- "splooge" and food do not belong together (and it's not a word you want your kids to start using at school). Though if you were going to use the word with any of the cakes, I would have expected it to be the last one, which looks like it's capable of producing it's own frosting splooge.

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

What on earth is wrong with the traditional blueberry-starred, strawberry-slice-striped, cream-cheese-icing-frosted flag cake? Delicious and hard to wreck!

P.S. I hope to see you up and Wrecking soon, Jen!

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Feel better soon Jen!

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

OOo hi John!!!!
and Jen hope you feel better hon.
and the cakes
oh...thats horrible

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJessie

Typo: 'think coming' not 'thing coming' - total pet peeve. Put it on a cake!

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Laughing so hard today!
You don't have any St George's Day wrecks to compare and contrast? No... No!?! What a shame...

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLiz

You've got another thing coming? Did you really just go there? The cakes were hilarious but that line put this post way over the top! Heh heh heh I will be laughing all day

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Oh. John. I usually laugh with Jen's posts, but I laughed HARD today! Hope Jen is healed up post-haste.

And John if you THINK you're gonna make her cook dinner tonight, you've got another THINK comin'!

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Fantastic 3 Amigos quote if I do say so myself. I try and use that movie and Big Trouble in Little China quotes in my everyday life...just makes it so much better!

Hope Jen recovers quickly!

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMadame Hook.

Great job on the subbing, John, and feel better vibes to Jen. }}}}}}}}}}} (vibes, can't you just feel 'em?)

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterjust another jen

@ Anonymous:re: Typo: 'think coming' not 'thing coming' - total pet peeve. Put it on a cake!

I totally agree! My big pet peeve on is: "We've got to nip that in the 'butt'" (Should be nip it in the 'bud')

WV: Misti - "Play Misti for me"

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJudy

Wishing you a speedy recovery Jen!!!

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterZitny Clan


I suppose "think" is right. But, you have to admit it's kinda stupid. Shouldn't it be "you've got another thought coming?" I mean you don't have a stray think right?

Stupid English language.


The donuts make me want to throw up. And that phallic "firecracker" is just too funny!
~Amy B.

wv: imill "Im ill from seeing those donuts."

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAmy

Awww cumon druged out posts are awesome

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDani

I'm going to take a wild guess that the ten states depicted in stars on the first cake were the only ten states willing to adopt this particular flag?

Jen, glad you're getting some downtime. Hope everyone has a good 4th!

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterChristina M.

Jen - Have a speedy recovery!

That last "arrow" cake (keeping it clean here :P) reminds me of the Mome Raths from Alice in Wonderland...the ones that form and arrow that point her to the path" rel="nofollow"> here they are (skip to 2:55)

I loved that movie!


July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterErin

Wow, I really like the phallic firecracker!

Also, have to agree with anon. here; Rob Halford also got it wrong. But, it is "'ve got another think coming."

Take it easy and feel better soon, Jen!


BTW, mine was refered to as either Carrie or Caligula, depending on how it was behaving that day...

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterwundermary

Haha! Family friendly except for the word "splooge"!!

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCaroline

uh, John...a little too graphic on the CCC spit.

July 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

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