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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen
Friday
Feb052010

Happy Wending!

So Jen and I are in Texas, a state which apparently holds a deep and sordid hatred for me. See, I'm sick. Not dying-in-the-hospital sick but sick, nonetheless. And it's cold. And wet. And in the past week, we've moved ten thousand pounds of knick-knacks across Texas which, it turns out, takes approximately 7,000 hours to drive through, the whole time praying we don't plow into some random cow or windmill. Oh yeah... did I mention Jen's a bit grumpy?

So I'm doing today's wreck, and I'm pretty much just gonna rant. Let me set the stage:

Expensive wedding in the Philippines.
The finest catering.
The perfect beach setting.

And this:

I know, right? I feel the same way. But what I want to know is how hard is it, when you're on a freaking tropical island, to find fruit that isn't so close to being rotten that it makes your kids tipsy. And what's with the icing?!? I've iced a few cakes in my time and I've never seen anything like that. I take that back. Last week, my cat licked my shmeared bagel when I wasn't looking and it looked a lot like that. I mean seriously people!

*propping self up in hotel bed*

And another thing!

...

Nah... that's enough. Just one last thing: I've met a ton of Texans while I've been here and one thing is true of them all: they're all so stinkin' nice. What I want to know is how do you stay that way when your state is constantly trying to KILL YOU?!?!?!?!

*ABLEMFTHPTHGAK!!!*
(me sneezing)
(yet again)

Thanks to Erica.

Related Wreckage: Tour Wreck

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Reader Comments (209)

AWWW! Another Native Texan here. Agree with the others, get some Zyrtec. If you are in the Houston area, let us know!

As for Dawn's comment on Texans really being Canadian... hmmm, I have met a lot of Canadians here. My husband is one of them is always sick and can't understand Texas accents. But he things we're all very nice, just like in Canada.

I've discovered the reason for the Canadians though. Those Canadians can't help falling for us Texans. I actually know 3 other Canadian men who fell for Texans from my town. Very Strange.

John, it really is great once you figure out the allergies.

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

OooooH I just Loooove the symetrical balance they achieved with the fruit...

oruihjv..... me sneezing right back atcha!

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJudy

We don't do fluffy and cute here. You know that, right? Our cows are tough and wiry, our rabbits are tough and wiry, even our squirrels are tough and wiry. It's survival of the meanest, orneriest critters you ever seen. And if you get taken down by nothing more than tree pollen... well, maybe you need to give your boots back. ;)

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLisa in TX

My favorite part of the cake is the "Happy Birthday" paper under the cake! LOL! WTH?

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterroamingjones

to mn_me : No not sand...just the worst icing job done EV-Ah!

Oh, and the dog in the background does look suspect to the cake licking massacre as he is quietly fleeing the scene.

WV - agglebin : I think we should throw this all in the ack,...gack,... gah... aggle...BIN! pitooie!

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJudy

I don't know if anyone else noticed, but the cake is also topped with bougainvillea flowers... ew. Bougainvillea is beautiful, but bugs like 'em and the sap of the plant can be like poison oak...

On a side note, we grew bananas, mangos, papaya, guava and other tropical fruit in our backyard in Hawaii without fertilizer (and mainly with neglect) and our fruit didn't ever look nasty like this overripe mess!

All in all, a delightful wreck! Thank you for making me groan and laugh in exquisite agony once again!

WV: reprionu-- hey cake decorator who created this: reprionu!

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Happy Herding?! I'd be so mad if that was my wedding cake. Better to have no cake than a cake that looked like that!

Feel better!

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterBellaLovesPink

That's one nasty sneeze. Sounded like you brought up a lot of ick with it. Get well soon. We don't want that sneeze anywhere near the cakes.

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterFiberQat

I must have chocked on my coffee at least three times. You two are so darn funny!!

Feel better fast!

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

That frosting looks like the pointy stucco walls in the house I grew up in. When you got to close (and you invariably did) that crap would rip your skin right off.

Feel better!

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLisa

Even the sneezes are bigger in texas. Just moved to texas 18 months ago, so far not much sickness, just a bit of getting used to for a californian. Why does everyone still smoke here? niceness I'm all for...

wedding cakes that looklike they had the icing partially ripped off? not so much

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKelly Family

Get well soon, and avoid the crazy drivers, especially in San Antonio!

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterThe Black Dog

Ah dammit. *too

Another note -- anyone catch the stray dog wandering in the background?

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLisa

It just happens to be mountain cedar (aka juniper) allergy season down here in Texas! So maybe it's that, rather than actual sickness.

Hope you feel better! Getcha some Benadryl!

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSarah Loyd

I must say, you could have sneezed on that "fruit fly cake" and no one would have even noticed. Hope all are feeling better soon.

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterCher' Shots

Jen and I actually drove from Alamo to Amarillo. I think that the problem was that, in the process of moving Jen's Grandmother, I had to load and unload a 26' truck by myself and I was going from 85 degrees inside to 30 outside. Couple that with horrendous allergies and the Texas Wraith who haunts my every move, and you get bedridden john.

Alright. Enough complaining. We're not here to complain. We're here to PUMP *clap* YOU UP!

Gutentag!

john

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterjohn (the hubby of Jen)

and a Happy Werding to you too!!

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Ooh, ooh [thrusting hand up in the air wildly] ooh, ooh, I KNOW this one!!

Those bananas, though they look like they are on the bad side of over ripe are actually just PERFECT! Here in the States we get a very limited variety of bananas. I personally like my bananas to have just a touch of green on the corners, firm but sweet. In the Philippines however, if you try to eat one of their hundreds of varieties of bananas with just a touch of green the banana inside will be rock hard and extremely bitter. A lesson I learned the hard way many times. If the fruit looks on the outside like it's already dead, it's actually at that perfect stage of firmness and sweetness.

As for the rest of the cake, I have no explanation, but trust me, those bananas are perfect!

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterkarina

I don't want to defend these cakes too much, but that fruit doesn't look bad to me. Bananas are not edible when they are still that brilliant pale yellow-green that we see in U.S. grocery stores. They only have good banana flavor once they are spotty, like these. And apples will always turn brown on the cut part within a few minutes after you cut them up. On the other hand, I've never seen whole fruit, peel and all, placed on top of a frosted cake before, and I wonder how you would eat such a thing.
As to the "Happy Birthday" paper, maybe somebody was getting married on their birthday. This being the Philippines, maybe the dog is going to be the main course ...

John, Texas doesn't hate you. Texas LOVES you and Jen! The weather may be awful in the north half of the state just now, but it's about perfect where I am today-- the Rio Grande Valley. Sunny and around 70 degrees. Come over here for some Tres Leches cake.

"... they're all so stinkin' nice. What I want to know is how do you stay that way when your state is constantly trying to KILL YOU?!?!?!?!"

Practice.
Yeah, OK, maybe we do have hurricanes, tornadoes, flash floods, epic droughts, ice storms, killing heat waves, dust storms, wind storms, stupendous amounts of allergens, West Nile Virus, H1N1, Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever, chiggers, mosquitoes, yellow jackets, killer bees, scorpions, asps, rattlesnakes, tarantulas, sharks, rabid coyotes, brown recluse spiders, a high murder rate, and governors who constantly embarrass us, but once you get used to all that, we have beautiful landscapes, good music, and great Mexican food.

So, Happy Wending your way across Texas, and next time, come and stay for a spell!

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterGary

So, having lived in the Philippines for many years (miliary family) I can tell you a few things...

1. Apples and oranges are mega-expensive, and those bananas are not the little small native ones. I'm sure they were imported from somewhere, hence the state of 'ripeness.'

2. They have the grossest marshmallow-ey frosting that is the consistency of gloopy cool whip. I'm not suprised it looks like that after sitting out in the humid weather. I had to endure this frosting on many a birthday cake, and it is nasty! It's all the bakeries seem to know how to make over there.

Hopefully that explains at least some of what's probably going on in that picture. :)

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterEllen

If you think Texas will make you sick, for wellness sake don't come to Louisiana!! I've lived in Shreveport my whole life and I still have sinus issues. When I travel to nicer, dryer areas of the country, however, I feel great! Go figure.
Anyway, I also wanted to express my confusion about who's narrating this post. It starts out with "Jen and I" so I'm thinking it's John, but it says it was "posted by Jen" at the bottom.
Well, whoever it is, I hope you feel better soon.
I also hope that whoever ate that cakes feels better soon! Blechk!

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAngela

Man...my fellow filipinos can do better than this. Sad, sad cake...must not have been from Goldilocks or Red Ribbon. =D

Oh and this post and everyone's comments sure makes me want to visit Texas some day....NOT! But I do like being around nice peeps...sooo maybe....

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMaryanne

I don't think the weather map showed too many places in the US where you could go outside and stay dry today. If you happen to live in one of those few places, lucky you!

And driving across Texas is an experience-- starts out looking much like my usual Midwestern surroundings do, but by the end of the day, I'll pretty much be standing around in the desert. So I'll check the map, and sure enough, still in the same state. *Whaddayaknow.

*Not necessarily official Texas talk.

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

You were in Alamo?!!?!

You should have told me! I would have come over and helped you load the truck!
Alamo, Texas is only about 10 miles from my house. On the other hand, it's about 808 miles from Amarillo. (Texas cities are not arranged in alphabetical order). That's more than the distance from Chicago to New York City. You definitely went across Texas the long way.

Anyway, that's not the greatest tour of Texas, especially in winter, when the weather gets progressively worse as you get into the Panhandle, so I can understand your bad mood.

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterGary

ewwwww...

Not only is the fruit icky, but the sand stuck in what looks like melting buttercream makes my stomach turn.

Happy Birthday paper... /gigglesnort

FEEL BETTER SOON!

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJen

People in Texas are all on Benadryl, Claritin, or Zyrtec for allergies probably 85% of their lives. As for being nice...Texas is known to be "The Friendly State" :)

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSiren

Canadian?
Nope, not me (unless you're referring to the Canadian River, which is in Texas).
I was born in Texas, and so were my parents, my grandparents, and my great-grandparents. The state's just so doggone big it's hard to get out of it.

There are a bunch of Canadians here in Texas, though. They're OK, as long as they don't brag too much about how great Canada is.

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterGary

@F-- I love the comment about NY being "too far" from DE. Get away from the coast, and you'll meet plenty of people who have to drive that distance to less interesting places every day and don't give it much thought at all!

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Totally not kidding here: my blind mother can frost cakes better than that. Really, I've seen it. That's horrible!

And if you weren't sick already, the fruit on the cake should do the trick! ;)

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterShelly C.

hey on that Phillipenes ( could care less if its spelled wrong ) wedding cake wreck... did you notice that the cake board under the cake was covered in "happy birthday" wrapping paper?? When I enlarged it it was the first thing I saw... aside from the rotten fruit, the bad layout, terrible icing and happy birthday cake board... its not too bad!! LMAO!!
-Jenn

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Aww hugs to ((you both)). Btw does that say Happy Weading?

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterdcwlksnrayne

@Gary-

Experience tells me that your list forgets "fire ants." I have visited your lovely state half a dozen times or so in my life, and I have probably encountered more than half of the items on that Texas agenda you have there. But I always managed to have a great time anyway, with the good making up for the bad!

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterjj

I moved to Texas over a year ago and the people here are just so freakin' great. It's a fantastic state!

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

We LOVE you here in Texas!
Stewbie2 is correct , AVOID I-10!! Especially around the cities.

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterOnyx

Haha! I have to agree with stewbie2- Welcome to the Allergy state- if you don't have them you WILL....youuu willl *said in Yoda voice*

Feel Better!!

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMichelle

Lifelong Texan says...
Love the first paragraph and the last about Texas! Had to hold my belly laugh because I'm at work about the 7000 hours to drive through! Hope you get to feeling better. We have had crappy weather all this week, actually since November, even we are tired of it. Come back when you have a chance to vacation and enjoy it.

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Lol.... not only is that cake craptastic... but bougainvillea plants/flowers should not be used as food decor because of the toxins
Wiki:
The sap of the Bougainvillea can cause skin rashes similar to poison oak/ivy. So, when working with this plant (e.g., pruning), caution should be exercised to avoid skin contact with the sap (and thorns).

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

John, I'd send you a pot of my fabulous homemade chicken soup, but it'd be all cold and scummy by the time it got there. So I'll just send you best wishes for a speedy recover instead.

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterPromise

Hey, your blog was on the Bonnie Hunt show yesterday. They were making cupcakes and talked about this blog.

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterErin

@ Gary...

Tain't braggin' if it's TRUE!!!!

;-)

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJudy

That cake frosting looks like our ceilings!!! (Which previous people did with 10 tons of joint compound, and we're STILL trying to figure out the best way to get rid of it.)

Hope you get to feeling better, and best wishes to you both. I really enjoy your site. :)

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterRhonda

So sorry you're sick again. Feel better soon!

And I am deeply sorry that my beloved state seems to hold so much bad luck for you. Especially after your home state has been so wonderful to me so very many times.

I do hope you guys will be able to have a wonderful vacation in the Lone Star State sometime soon to make up for these past two miserable trips.

About that cakes...one word. BLECH!
It makes me queasy to look at it, let alone thinking about eating it. I feel quite sorry for the happy couple :(

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAni

I feel I must apologize on behalf of my state - it's not been it usual sunny self lately. I hope it doesn't kill you. Get some allergy meds and a shot of whiskey. That miiiiiight cure what ails you!
Seriously though, hang in there. I can't imagine life without your humor and the daily cake wreckage!

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

That cake is awful...I'd be pretty ticked if I paid tons of money and THAT is what I got.

Have to comment on the Texas thing...I was born and raised in the greatest state EVER! The Panhandle and Amarillo is home. May not be the prettiest - especially in the wintertime- but the sunsets there cannot be matched!! And John and Jen, you should check out Palo Duro Canyon...it's got some amazing views! On second thought, I think they've had alot of ice/snow/rain lately, so you might not want to drive down into the canyon. And yes, Texas people are the nicest ever! I moved to Mississippi over a year ago and well, they could learn a few things from us Texans!

BUT if you wanna feel better and get some OUTSTANDING food here's some places you NEED to try in Amarillo: Leal's Mexican food (the absolute BEST), Blue Sky (best burger's hands down!), or Kabuki Japanese Steakhouse. I'd skip the Big Texan...they may have the biggest steak in Texas(72oz) and it may be free (if you can eat all of it plus all the sides in less than an hour), but most people like their steaks to actually taste good. LOL! Dang it...now I'm hungry!

Oh, and don't let the allergies scare you off. They are h*ll for even the most hardy of Texans!

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJR*Sikorski

Texas is one honkin' big state. And I'm from Nebraska, which is no slouch for size.

But here's the thing to keep your sanity while driving in Texas.

When they say, "Exit 349 next left" in every other state, that means 1/2 mile or 2 miles or maybe five miles.

In Texas...forty miles. Just accept it.

We made the drive from Victoria Texas to Brownsville once and there is all the rugged wasteland with ... gnarled trees that I suppose are mesquite? Maybe? and cactus, those cute flat ones, aobut the size of a dinner plate, a whole bunch of them growing in a clump.
Like This.

http://www.mccullagh.org/db9/1ds-4/prickly-pear-cactus-flowering.jpg

And at first you're all, "Wow, look at that cool cactus."

Then 250 miles later, you're just, "This poor miserable state."

So, that's Texas.

And my only reaction to that icky cake is that maybe it's an accident. The fruit I mean. Maybe someone was trying to throw all the rotten fruit in the freezer away and saw what they thought was a pile of white garbage set out on the patio for the trash collector, and just tossed the fruit on top.

It's gotta be something like that.

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMary Connealy

Welcome back to Texas! At least we're not florida. Ever drove from the keys to the panhandle? shudder

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterRas-Algethi

I hope you feel better soon. And, next time you come, drive in on I-10 from Louisiana. Just inside the state line, you see a distance sign, "El Paso 847", at 50 miles an hour (with the obligatory stops at roadside parks and Franks in Schulenberg) that's a 16 hour drive. And were gosh darn proud of it.

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKristy Beins

You never realize how big Texas really is until you're driving through it. XD Eight hours just from El Paso to San Antonio. And I guess our mamas just taught us right here in the south. XP The state hasn't tried to kill me yet, just the drivers.

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJen

I hope you feel better soon! (((Gail)))

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterguurrrl

Hey Dawn, I'm a Canadian living in Texas, but I don't hide it. At least two thirds of my t-shirts have some kind of Canadian identifier on them. 'Cos Canada is awesome.

In fact it's kinda funny listening to people here go on about how "big" Texas is, when Ontario, where I grew up, is almost double the size of Texas. Heck, Texas isn't even the biggest US state, Alaska is.

But Austin, Texas does have the coolest cake show in the WORLD, http://thattakesthecake.org/, which Jen and John totally absolutely have to come to and I'm gonna keep poking until they say yes!

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKimberly Chapman

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