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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen
Friday
Feb052010

Happy Wending!

So Jen and I are in Texas, a state which apparently holds a deep and sordid hatred for me. See, I'm sick. Not dying-in-the-hospital sick but sick, nonetheless. And it's cold. And wet. And in the past week, we've moved ten thousand pounds of knick-knacks across Texas which, it turns out, takes approximately 7,000 hours to drive through, the whole time praying we don't plow into some random cow or windmill. Oh yeah... did I mention Jen's a bit grumpy?

So I'm doing today's wreck, and I'm pretty much just gonna rant. Let me set the stage:

Expensive wedding in the Philippines.
The finest catering.
The perfect beach setting.

And this:

I know, right? I feel the same way. But what I want to know is how hard is it, when you're on a freaking tropical island, to find fruit that isn't so close to being rotten that it makes your kids tipsy. And what's with the icing?!? I've iced a few cakes in my time and I've never seen anything like that. I take that back. Last week, my cat licked my shmeared bagel when I wasn't looking and it looked a lot like that. I mean seriously people!

*propping self up in hotel bed*

And another thing!

...

Nah... that's enough. Just one last thing: I've met a ton of Texans while I've been here and one thing is true of them all: they're all so stinkin' nice. What I want to know is how do you stay that way when your state is constantly trying to KILL YOU?!?!?!?!

*ABLEMFTHPTHGAK!!!*
(me sneezing)
(yet again)

Thanks to Erica.

Related Wreckage: Tour Wreck

« Cool Character Sweets | Main | Recycled Wrecks »

Reader Comments (209)

I would be so sad if that were my wedding cake. So very sad.

I'm sorry Texas is messin' with ya'll. It really is a fine state. I actually recommend April and October (your tour notwithstanding) to visit us. The wildflower season is beautiful here in late March & April.
Kinda makes up for all the stuff we go through the rest of the year.

Feel better soon!

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterlisadh

That dog probably licked all the cakes... wonder if the back of the cakes are yellow???

Feel better soon, both of you!!

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Rhonda: Sand-blasting? I thought of ceilings as well, or the stucco someone mentioned.
I had fresh berries on my cake, but berries look nice longer, especially if they're sugared.

Note to self: Stock up on Sudafed before going NEAR Texas. I have enough allergies in South Dakota!

WV: wastreq. Whatever this Wreckerator had in mind is wastreq on me.

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterTindi

At first I thought the fruit was there to weigh down the cake against a strong ocean breeze, but closer inspection shows that it can hold its own, apparently having already survived a sandstorm.

The tables in back look really lovely, so it's a shame about what's for dessert. But good luck, kids, just the same!

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

wow, there are plenty of us texas wreckies out here.

i'm happy that you're in our neck of the woods again, but so sorry to hear that you're sick, john.

stress, allergies, etc. it's not surprising. take care of yourself ... we really do love you guys!!

hugs from deep in the heart of texas,

terry lee

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterTerry Lee

To John AND Jen~~

Thanks so much for being so dedicated to this site even when you're not feeling 100%. Get well soon.

As for today's *cough* wreck, I am truly gobsmacked that no one involved with that 'cake' had the presence of mind to peel and cut out the most rotten portions of the fruit and arrange the best sections more attractively.

I wish the newlyweds all the best and fond memories of the day they married, and hope that one day they can kick back and giggle about their 'once in a lifetime' cake.

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSwan

OK, the crumbs from the cake visible in with the bumpy icing give a new meaning to the term "dirty iced". And they just grabbed bananas, apples (in Thailand??), and oranges and laid them on the cake--they didn't even bother to remove the pit/center from the apples they did slice. Good grief!

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Not to mention the happy birthday paper under the smaller cake tiers. Looks like all they did was a crumb coat too.

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterHeidi D

I live in Austin, and all five members in my family are sick with different things. But you must love us anyway, because look how many Texans love you! We may be germ ridden, but we ROCK! Woo hoo!(*cough cough* ouch...)

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterCaty in Austin

Yeah, I know, it makes my out of state relatives paranoid. They can't get over how when you pass someone on the road they give a little wave. Or if you are going down the farm to market road faster than them, they will bar-ditch for you. (this means they scoot over to the side and let you pass them)

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJanet

Welcome to Texas!!! Y'all must be in North Texas somewhere because the weather has been nasty here for DAYS! I can see sunshine from where I'm sitting, though, so things are looking up. =)

Oh, and you and Jen be sure to get a couple'a nice cold Dublin Dr. Peppers. That's enough to make ANYONE feel better. =)

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLacy

Every time I see a wedding wreck on here, it just makes me so glad that my mom & I made my wedding cake.

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLori

horrid cake, hope you feel better... and I'm a Texan (DFW that is).

If you really want, I could do something really mean, so you could feel better about our state, even though I abhor the weather as well.

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLittle Lovables

horrid cake, hope you feel better... and I'm a Texan (DFW that is).

If you really want, I could do something really mean, so you could feel better about our state, even though I abhor the weather as well.

wv: undaft
how undaft of you to be feeling so ill during your travels

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLittle Lovables

Hope you feel better soon.

Just out of curiosity, why don't you write posts in advance, so you don't have to bother with it when you're sick/traveling/knickknackified? When comic-strip artists take a vacation, they write up a surplus of strips beforehand, that can be published while they're away. You guys should try that, so you don't kill yourself or get tics trying to be funny when you're not in the mood.

-Holly

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I love Texas, but Florida is much, much better. Get home while yer alive. And another thing: That cake looks like a real wreck: a second thought regurgitated 11 times over, got into a fight with a popcorn ceiling frosting type, and rotting fruit thrown on for good measure. Yeah; maybe for a survivorman wedding or something. "Ug. Look good to me." :D Get well soon! Or else we will have no wrecks to look forward to, of course! :)

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Kimberly said …
... In fact it's kinda funny listening to people here go on about how "big" Texas is, when Ontario, where I grew up, is almost double the size of Texas."

Yeah, but none of Texas is under the Arctic Ice Cap.

"... Heck, Texas isn't even the biggest US state, Alaska is."

See Ontario, above. Anyhow, at least we have people in Texas.

And Judy said...
"@ Gary...
Tain't braggin' if it's TRUE!!!!"

OK, but if Canada is so ruddy wonderful, why do most of you seem to live here in Texas? When everybody from the U.S. starts going to Canada for the winter, we can talk.

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterGary

You're right, jj, I forgot fire ants! Also fleas, cockroaches, termites, and spider mites.

In my defense, my list was never meant to be comprehensive.

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterGary

don't feel bad, i hate texas too. i spent a few days there a few years ago before my husband deployed to iraq. WE GOT LOST FOR THREE HOURS!!! and it was hot and nasty and i hate it.

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterPariah

The rotting fruit is really bad, but did you notice the recycled table cloths that say Happy Birthday?

Wm Pat Wigley
Blue Springs Missouri

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Guys, are you sure it's happy birthday paper?

It looks too well cut to fit the octagonal serving tables. In fact, it fits so well, I'm pretty sure it's just the plastic laminate that is part of the (ancient) table top itself.

Which would mean... That they put the cakes directly on a probably-wiped-with-a-dirty-cloth surface and smeared the icing directly on it.

Maybe I'd have been better off believing it was paper. Gah.

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterHerouth

you should have seen MY wedding (in india).. they decorated the tent with merry christmas fabric (it was april) and used nakid (spelling purposeful) cherub statues to hold down the sides. When asked about the statues their fix was to turn the statues around so that the arse was facing the crowd. Add neon pink decorations and you have a 5 day bengali wedding....

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Real Texans are immune to being killed by their state. 'Course, I'm not a Texan. Oklahoma tries to kill outsiders, too.

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterFlea

Even if that fruit was perfectly ripe, WHY would you put whole, unpeeled bananas and oranges on a wedding cake? Or any cake??? I am completely mystified. And that icing job is excruciatingly bad.

Hope you feel better soon! :0)

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterRobin

Fact: Our state is almost as wide as it is tall, which makes Chicago, IL CLOSER to Texarkana than El Paso. Try making that trip around about FOREVER.
Fact: Texas is Bigger than France.
Truth: The weather changes faster than you can say 'what nice weather today!'

Welcome Partner to the Lone Star State. Come back now, y'all hear?

WV: glouv. In Texas you might be 76 one day and 20 the next, but only if you've packed up your parka and glouv!

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterVictoria

1. That wed-- oops, sorry, WENDING cake -- is a monstrosity.

2. I loved the rant. I could imagine you angrily typing away.

3. God bless you! *offers tissue*

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMaggles

Long ago my parents bought a postcard that perfectly summed up our attempt to drive from Dallas to Arizona. It went something like this:
The sun has riz
The sun has set,
And here we is;
In Texas Yet!

Now you apparently know why it was such a hit with them.

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterswenholt2

It's okay- Texas hates us, too. We hit a deer coming out of San Antonio and we were stranded in Ft. Stockton overnight and almost couldn't catch a bus to El Paso so my best friend's mom could come rescue us.

It was horrible.

But the people we met were insanely wonderful, one of which PAID FOR OUR BUS FARE. It was amazing.

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterBecca

Oh, poo, John, I'm so sorry! Sounds like you might have cedar fever, which is the price most of us pay for living in The Gret Stet of Texas....It could be worse - you could have eaten some of that tropical fruit....

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSpinningErin

I live in Texas - sorry our state's not agreeing with you! It's been unusually cold and rainy lately, 'specially for this time of year, and a lot of us are coming down with that stuff. Get better soon :)

~Kels

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKelsie

Yerp...it's perpetually "allergy season", especially here in Austin. Although, the sun's come out this afternoon--and I can only imagine that it is rotting fruit somewhere in the Philippines...

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKelly

I had fruit on my wedding cake too, but my silly bakers used blackberries and strawberries. I feel so silly now that I didn't tell them to use whole unpeeled grapefruits. What was I thinking?

When I see a whole unpeeled grapefruit surrounded by bruised bananas I automatically think "romance".

Liz in Seattle

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Its totally allergies. Here in Texas the cedar and mold like to attack every sense and all your clear breathing and the like. Even having lived her for 10 plus years I am incapacitated all the time due to the darned crappy trees and fungi.

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJessica

I'm sorry Texas keeps trying to kill you. Cedar fever (assuming that's what's wrong) is awful. Ugly, rotten fruit atop cakes iced by drunk three-olds awful. At least it's not 110 degrees right now, so we've got that going for us.

P.S. We're nice because of the beer and food. It's physically impossible to be rude with a belly full of chicken fried steak and ice cold Shiner Bock?

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I'm sorry, but does anyone else think that "Happy Wedding", erm...banner-thing look like it says "Happy Wending"? Anyone...no?

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKylie

w00000000000000t GO TEXAS! If you are driving along and stop in LaGrange, stay awhile!

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterDane

It's the allergies, they'll get you every time! Welcome back to Texas!

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterBethany

Sorry you're sick! It's sure not just you; I know a LOT of my fellow Texans have been sick lately. As a few commenters have already said, we usually have much better weather this time of year (be very glad you're not here in mid-summer!) ...but the allergens are over the top year-round. I grew up here in Austin understanding my city to be the allergy capital of the nation. Maybe the world!
You've got a lot of fans in Texas, though! Obviously Texas doesn't hate you.

Gary, how could you forget fire ants? They're the single most evil thing in the state! Well, second most; I almost forgot our dear old governor.

WV-slythy! I think the slythy toves
did gyre and gimble in that cake.

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterRachel M.

texan here! ummmm thanks?

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

On behalf of my state, which tries to kill us all, I sympathize. Er, sympatheeze.

Anyway, OTC allergy meds rule, and the whole state is in NO way sponsored by pharma corps. Super pinky swears.

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered Commenternimcraft

I'd just like to ask why the unpeeled bananas are settin' up on top? Was it too much trouble to yank them back? and what's with the seeds in the apples? Lazy AND ugly!!

My daughter lives in Texas, and yes, the allergies are awful.

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMargot

Okay, so the cake says Happy Wending, I don't even know what that is! It's on a happy birthday cake board. And the apples are sliced, but still have seeds in them? Who thought that up?!?! I love how they are already turning brown....

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMarilyn

Welcome to the Great Allergy State ! Our pollen, dust, and mold salute you!

Oh, and all I could do is shake my head and say, really? REALLY? Someone thought that was.. beautiful???

Maureen in ACHOO, Texas

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Welcome back, and thanks for the post!

I've been allergic to Texas for the 8 years I've lived here. However, I think everyone is so nice because we are full of delicious food! Chicken fried steak, brisket, and queso are great mood elevators.

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterCakey Goodness

just a lil fyi...it is a horrible cake but bananas are actually not ripe till they start to turn brown. i still would not have put them on the cake but maybe they want people to eat them

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Did you know that Texas is apparently the only state that has the right to become its own country again?
And BTW...other roads to avoid here:
360
I-20
I-30
And, Friday rush hour starts on Thursday afternoon.
Its just best to not drive here ;)
But, this sure is a pretty place, and the weather is great, if you don't mind being hot ;)
I LOVE TEXAS!!

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJust Me,Pilgrim

Oh dear Lord! Wow... Ummm, okay. Did anyone notice the cute puppy in the background? :oD Hope you get to feeling better!

Diana from http://uberfoodnoob.blogspot.com/

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKritterBugg

Gesundheit! (I know you speak German so you'll know what that means :)

Feel better soon!

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered Commenter*gemmifer*

"Texas which, it turns out, takes approximately 7,000 hours to drive through,"

I know! Right?! My vote is for the idea of the dog in the background having licked the whole thing.

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Ah, the power of suggestion. As soon as you mentioned sneezing, guess what I started doing? And my sympathies for enduring that kind of drive.

February 5, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterishtheintrepid

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