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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen
Wednesday
May192010

Cryptic Cross Words

The art of cake insults was first discovered on May 4th, 1957 when a frat boy convinced his mother to write "You really are a FAT cat" on his buddy's birthday cake.

Today, many still attempt this sweet yet snarky tradition - but as these cakes show, few master it.

Ah, the classic "conflicting messages" mistake. Look, you can't tell someone you'll miss her and end with "Up Yours" - it makes no sense! The insult is lost in a sea of well-wishes! Odds are she's going to look at you with big Bambi eyes and ask, "Up my what?"

No, you've really got to commit to the insult. Give it your all!

Oh, come on, this is just embarrassing. "You are not the best" with a "ha-ha" chaser? Oh, gee. BURN.

Look, we're going for amusing yet zingy. Try again.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Er, look, I appreciate your enthusiasm, but this might be going a bit too far. We're aiming for good-natured mockery, not a restraining order. Rein it in a little, eh?

Ok, rule #1 in cake insults: misspellings completely destroy your credibility as critic. (Also applies to pretty much the entire Internet. Stay in school, trolls!)

Although, if you're lucky, sometimes a misspelling will result in an even better insult:

See, now instead of calling him a "geezer" you're insinuating he's incontinent. Score!!


Yep, I'd say the best cake insults are almost always the unintentional ones. (Plausible deniability, baby! Yeah!) So check back on Monday for some of the best whoopsies to ever land a guy on the couch.

Janna, Spencer B., Wendy B., Corie, & Michelle J., I would never insult you guys. Unless I got a cake out of it. Which isn't likely. So, yeah, I would (probably) never insult you guys.

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Reader Comments (60)

JEN! I read the interview METRO had with you in the paper this morning, featuring wedding cakes and the infamous Inspiration vs. Perspiration cake!
Classy and witty, as usual.
Congratulations!

May 19, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterRuth

If you read the last one as "Old Gay Sir" then it's still a pretty good insult.

May 19, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterTaylor_MOB

Hey, I've been called much worse than an "Old Geyser."*
At least it wasn't on a cake shaped like human buttocks, with a bunch of mysterious sticks protruding from the anus.

*Here's an example of the perils of using Spell-Check. Geyser is a word, just not the right word.

May 19, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterGary

The "up yours" cake is super-awesome...Please tell us there's a story behind it.

May 19, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterBabsiegirl

In defense of the person who decorated the "geyser" cake, I believe that in some places, "geezer" and "geyser" are both pronounced "geezer."

May 19, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMartin

If they wanted that fourth one to represent a New Zealand accent, they should've spelled it "Good Ruddence".

May 19, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterGoueznou

That last one makes me think my dad missed his calling. He takes misspeaking to the level of an art form. If he could only decorate cake, you'd have lots of fodder from my father! He just likes to eat the cake.

some samples: (ahem)
talking about how there's a substance (tryptophan) in turkey that makes you sleepy after eating, he griped about the effects of the "aphrodisiac" in the bird.

complaining about relatives at a wedding who were humbled by something, "They ate EGG last night!" (um, Dad? they did serve Deviled eggs. do you mean they ate crow? or had egg on their face? At least he didn't say they had crow on their face!)

complaining about a lane of wasted highway (HOV) when he has to drive solo, he griped about the HIV lane.

One time in a fight with me, he tried to pull rank, and shouted "I'm the figurehead of this family!" (truer words were never spoken. Mom has always been the boss.)

Disgusted at a girl in a see through white bathing suit, he griped, "You could see her public hair!"

and on and on. love ya, Dad!

May 19, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I'm suddenly reminded of a line from Monsters, Inc. "If you're gonna insult me, do it properly." :P

May 19, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterStephanie

"We hope you fail, you're dead to us now" has got to be the best cake inscription ever!

I bet the "We hope you fail, you're dead to us now" is a Festivus cake!

May 19, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterDebra She Who Seeks

Love these. My family is all about the insult. A little NSFW in the language department....
http://www.flickr.com/photos/31606454@N04/4360423173/in/set-72157623061252957/

That';s the cake we got my mom for her birthday. And not by a wreckerator, we actually had to bribe her to write it!

May 19, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMelissa

The first one must have been ordered by some juvenile males.... That's how they insult each other, and yet, how they show affection.

That last one is hysterical!

May 19, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterjo

I would not mind seeing more insult cakes. These were hilarious!

May 19, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterunderthesea34

@Melissa: OMG! THAT is the cake I would so love to get my coworker. She's in her 50's but is very childish and complains if people don't pamper on her birthday. She griped for a week when her husband didn't get her a separate cake for her birthday even though he took her out to dinner.

wv: ackohoil: what you must have given the cake decorator to get her to write the F word.

May 19, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I'm just impressed they got the "You're" correct on the third cake.

May 19, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKaaren

I can't help but think there is a secret message written in the red icing on the "you're dead to us now" cake. If only I could decode it - maybe it's a mitigation of the otherwise harsh message.

wv: evide. To provide evidence (as in these cakes are clear evidence that there is still much work to be done in the area of insult cakes).

May 19, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterEsty

"stay in school, trolls"

Brilliant. Just brilliant.

May 19, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterGina

I actually know quite a few people who deserve a "You're dead to me" cake. In that instance, the cake you posted is perfect. Why make a beautiful cake for an enemy when a wreck will get your point across even better!

May 19, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterReading Rachel

I love the "You're dead to us now" part! Awesome!

However, I had a totally different image in my mind for the old geyser. I wasn't thinking incontence at all. Nope. I had something far more adult in nature in mind.... and I'll leave THAT to your imaginations.

May 19, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterTrevor

I kind of like the third cake. I may do that for my best friend's birthday. she'll get a kick out of it.

May 19, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterandygirl

LOL, "you're dead to us now".

I'd give anything to see the recipient's face when he/she received that!

Also, "good ridince" made me choke on my coffee. Thanks for that. ;)

May 19, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Those are just awesome!! LOL!

May 19, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterlisadh

Maybe the "Old Geyser" is a positive reference to virility?

May 19, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterBeth

I honestly laughed out loud at these (and also at the anon comment about the person's dad's tendency to misspeak - hilarious!)

Thanks for bringing some humor into my otherwise-boring day of cleaning!

May 19, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterApril

The flag on that cake is wrong. If it's meant to be an Australian flag, its missing 2 stars, and if it's meant to be a NZ flag, the stars should be red...

May 19, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I really want to know the story about the "up yours" cake.

May 19, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Ahaha! @ Melissa-- So did you guys sing "Happy Birthday Eff You"?

May 19, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterjj

the Good Rid ance one - were they sending him to New Zealand??

May 19, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLove in the Dumps

@ Anonymous 9:52-
OMG!! What a riot!
Aren't those called "Yogi-isms" (after Yogi Berra)or something?
My Dad like to say things like that on purpose!
And honestly, that woman WAS showing "public" hair, if the public noticed it!
Those were hilarious!

May 19, 2010 | Unregistered Commentersendingtheclowns

At least *yours* in "Up Yours" and *you're* in "You're Dead to us now" are spelled correctly.

And I, too, thought virility at the geyser cake . . .

May 19, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSue KuKu

ha ha!!!!!!!!!!1

May 19, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterScarlett Robyn

Wow. Talk about sweetening the blow. You know the best part? Scrape the frosting off, and you've still got a cake.Wrecks that might actually finally be worth the money you or your arch enemy pays for them!

May 19, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterStoich91

The second thing I thought of with the "dead to us now" cake was Michael Corleone telling Kay, "You're dead to me now."
The FIRST thing I thought of was, "Who would EAT that (possibly poisoned) cake?"

May 19, 2010 | Unregistered Commentersendingtheclowns

The first cake really looks like it's written in mustard to me... hmm... [getting ideas]

May 19, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMary Jane

When our college president we couldn't stand was forced to quit we went out and got "ding dong the witch is dead" put on a cookie cake. She didn't see it, but it sure was fun!

May 19, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterHeather

The last cake inspires me for when my mom turns 60.

b

May 19, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterBree

Jen, this has nothing to do with insults, but at a party there was a cake that said, (as an inside joke) "Sorry About Your Birthday". Sorry I couldn't snap a photo of it.

May 19, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterBrooke

(ha - ha)

May 19, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLulzy

These are classic. Who knew you could be insulted on a cake? Not me. Let's be thankful cupcakes are small and you can't fit an insult on them... I hope.

the last one brings back memories. Memories of someone asking the definition of a geyser and my friend saying, "Geyser, like the old man."

May 19, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLilly

"We hope you fail, you're dead to us now" might be my very favorite EVER. I'd be thrilled to get this cake if I were leaving a job!

May 19, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMamaChristy

LOL whatever flag that's supposed to be, whether they aimed for NZ or Australia, either way they still got it wrong!

May 19, 2010 | Unregistered Commenteriluvstuf

Old geyser!? LOL! They make pills for that you know...

Actually "up yours" can also mean to make a toast, as in, to raise your glass up. It's another way of saying "here's to you".

May 19, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterElaine

My boyfriend and I went to Yellowstone last summer and we decided to sit and wait for a really big geyser to go off called the Great Geyser. Next to us were two kids also waiting with their parents. One of them looked at the sign that labels the geyser and blurted out "it's the Great Geezer!"

That cake made me think of those kids.

They kept us entertained with other antics, as they were extremely bored (such as playing rock paper scissors, but one kid decided to call Mr. T instead of the three traditional choices. So, the other kid countered Mr. T with Jesus, who apparently beats everything)

May 19, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

...Are you saying trolls are uneducated? I just never have anything to say...I can't imagine you even care if someone else says "I love your blog!"

May 19, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterslaveofplastic

@Anonymous 8:21-

I LOVE that story!
("ROCK!" "MR. T!" "JESUS!")

*SIGH*...KIDS!! Y'know??

=^~.~^=

May 19, 2010 | Unregistered Commentersendingtheclowns

My husband is the king of making insulting cakes. Every year he ices cakes for his friends that are generally foul-minded and so horribly mean they make even me want to cry! He also likes to couple this with a horribly inappropriate card.

One year he made me my cake that was uh...quite descriptive and then gave me a 6 year old boy's Batman birthday card with the happy birthday message scratched out and he accused me of carrying Batman's child.

I SWEAR TO GOD I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP, AND YES, I ACTUALLY MARRIED HIM AFTER THAT.

He just thinks it's hysterical. I told him that this year I want a pretty cake. We'll see what I get.

May 19, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterBonnie

The "Good Ridince" cake also has an incorrect flag. It could be representing either the New Zealand or Australian flag, but it's hard to tell because it is incorrect either way.

May 19, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAllyson

I'm trying to work out if "Good Ridince" is a New Zealand flag or the Australian flag. If it's meant to be the Kiwi flag, the stars should be red, and if it's meant to be the Aussie flag, the stars that are there need to have seven points each, and there are two other stars missing.

Either way, that kind of doubles the wreckage.

@Goueznou: maybe if the Liberals or LNP or whaddevayacallem win the next Aussie election, they should make a "Good Ruddance" cake :D

May 19, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterWolvie Girl

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