My Other Blog

What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen

Well Met, Helmet

Apparently, there was a football game over the weekend. Or something. And while I care slightly less about football than I do about squirrel husbandry, I figured now would be a good time to talk to you about protection.

Er, of your heads, I mean. Not my squirrels' nuts. (Those are in the shed. Next to the zippers.)

So...helmets! For your heads! Except the cake ones, of course, which are for your mouth!

It's actually really hard to make a cake that looks like a helmet. There are all the doodads and thingamajigs and whoosywhatsits, and if you're not careful it just looks like a heap a' flimflam jibber jabber!

(Wow. I just turned into my grandfather)

First, let's have Mr. Floopers model a real football helmet for us:

"I hate you."

See? It's simple. Just wrap your cat in a towel, and you can get almost anything on his head.

Oh, and the helmet is pretty easy, too.

In fact, when you break it down artistically, you can see that it's really just a big tombstone with a snail on it:

RIP, Ravens.

Or a one-tentacled jellyfish:

Make sure your helmets are well-rounded, though.

"Comb the dessert!"

A well-executed cupcake cake (hooy-patooty!) is great for crushing the other team's spirit.

"Choppin' broccoli!
I'm choppin' brocolay-hay!
I'm choppin' broccoli!"

Why, just look at the terror in their eyes:

Or you could confuse them with the abstract method:

"And that little pile of poo is a fleur de lis!"

[other team's minds exploding]

You could also try a little more Sparta than Super Bowl:

Hey, a football field is 300 feet.

And remember, when all else fails, try the ultimate offensive play:

Peeping Tom Brady. [shudder]

Thanks to Tim M., Cassidy S., Hunter F., Molly M., Erica B., Dena G., Amy K., & Lisa K., who think someone really should tell Giselle.

« The Question Mark Is In Case You're Just Getting Fat | Main | D-Scripted »

Reader Comments (118)

For the love of all that is holy, make them stop! These are like Nascar 200 mph wrecks!

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterDanger Boy

I think the Razorbacks helmet, despite being a CCC (ptooey!), actually doesn't look that bad. I might have recognized it as a helmet without the Razorback emblem (ok, probably not, but then I'm not a football fan). Love the Dana Carvey reference!

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMuria

The yellow one...I have a hard time picturing anything but a one-eyed frowny face.

Did you notice in the last picture...the head of a snowman next to the head of Tom Brady? Is this some bizarre head hunters trophy case?

Sharon's Edible Art

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSharon

These are just awful! How hard can it be to make a semi-round shape with an indention and a grill? I could do that on an Etch-a-Sketch, and I can't draw a straight line!

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Ummm, does that last one look like Harry Potter peeking out of the Patriots helmet? That was my first impression. Am squinting and still don't see Tom Brady.....

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJenny

OK. I've been a fan for a few years now and while there has been some great amusement throughout, I’ve not been compelled to respond until now. What finally pushed me to it?

“…in the shed. Next to the zippers.”


- Fred

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterFred

What is most frightening is that the last cake is FORTY DOLLARS. That scares me the most. I wouldn't give five dollars for that atrocity.

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered Commentermylittlecountry

Choppin' Brocco-LAY!

I sing that every time I make broccoli. No one else understands why.

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered Commentermanybellsdown

Hahaha... just wanted to say thanks for the Spaceballs and the Dana Carvey references. Totally made me giggle. :)

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I case I didn't love you enough, you put a Dana Carvey AND a swing music reference into the same post?!

I love you in a totally hetero, non-stalking, un-creepy kind of way.

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterGina

There's something wrong with these bakers. There really is.

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAngie

Thanks for the Squirrel Nut Zippers allusion :o)

I cannot fathom what the giant cookie decorator was thinking...but sheesh! Sad. Very, very sad.

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterErin

I had a friend who used to sing the chopping brocolli song, but I don't know where it is from. I guess she didn't make it up?

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterheather

You mean I'm not the only one who's heard of Squirrel Nut Zippers?

People look at me like I'm insane when I mention them.

I'd also like to watch Spaceballs now.

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKatie

1. Poor Mr. Floppers.

2. I can't believe there was a Spaceballs joke in there.

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Maybe Mr. Floopers would have been happier wearing a Steelers helmet?

What does it say beside the Razorback cake...GOO PIG SOOIE?

*snort* "Comb the desert" So, does that make Rothlisberger Dark Helmet? Rogers as Major A.....? Bwahahahaha XD

Then, if that wasn't funny had to bring up that Dana Carvey song.

Those made my morning - thanks!

The bug-eyed cakes look like other cats wearing helmets. Or their helmets are on way too tight.

My word verification describes the next cake: bogypou: The "fleur de lis" on the Saint's helmet looks like bogypou.

Peeping Tom Brady?! Creepy!! And $39.95? What's also funny is the snowball-with-a-face cake next to it.

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLoo-E Loo-I

Poor Mr. Floopers! Really surprised someone didn't lose a chunk of skin trying that.

I suspect the Tom Brady $39.95 cake will end up with one of those yellow "Manager's Special" tags tomorrow.

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterTricia L

Peeping Tom Brady! Ahaha!

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Dave Barry reference, FTW!

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterRoseAnn

Choppin' broccolay-hay-hay-hay-heeeeeeee!

I just realized how I haven't heard that in so long, at least since I started buying only pre-chopped frozen broccoli and stopped singing it to myself! :P I don't remember why Dana Carvey sang it on SNL, but I can still see him doing it. Where IS that guy lately, anyway?

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Spaceballs FTW.

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterDebu-chan

Wow, some of those are just scary.

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMary

OMG, these are sooo bad. And I got all the references. Own Space Balls and now will have that friggin song in my head all day... I'll go to the cafeteria and when asked what would I like, I'll have to stop myeself from answering broccoli.

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSandy C also in SoFla

Ha! The peeping Tom Brady one is awesome.

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJen

Did you see the price of the peeping Tom Brady cake?! $39.95?! Who on earth would pay that much for a helmet cake, with a peeping tom?! Man, I'm in the wrong business, I tell ya.

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterCaptain Micah

Spaceballs and Dana Carvey in one post? *happy sigh*

Of course Carvey+football inevitably needs to "F**n' 49ers!"

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKimberly Chapman

I guess it's just me, because after the head/nut references I did NOT read one "tentacled".


January 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterFluffy Cow

Zips Ahoy! That was the most amusing intro I've read in a long time. Thanks. No comment on the 'helmets'...

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterStella

Loved the Dana Carvey reference!

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterPenny

The yellow one looks like a frowny face with a head contusion. I guess he should have been wearing his helmet.

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered Commentersalamandermuse

Love the Spaceballs references!

RIP Ravens. LOL

wv: capholo. is this related to helmets? like the wrecked version of baseball caps?

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I got all of your funnies. Feeling decidedly nerdy

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMama-Beans

Can I just say that the photo of the cat in the helmet, coupled with the caption, made me laugh so loud I scared the dog?

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered Commentermadrobins

"And my lady, she went downtown. She bought some broccoli. She brought it ho-ome." Thank you, thank you for the Dana Carvey nod this morning. It made my crappy, crappy day slightly less crappy.

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMarcy W.

RE: the last cake:
if you take the edible image of Tom Brady out, the cake itself is not that bad. (and that's coming from someone is is not a patriots fan)

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterjessica

My 4 year old daughter just asked me why that yellow girl with the brown bow was frowning.

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAmy C

I'm offended by what was done to that poor cat. At least I would be, except for two factors: a.) laughing too hard and b.) not being offended.

Wreck #1: How does one get a helmet out of that? It must be like one of those optical illusion things where one either sees a helmet or a tombstone with a snail, and which the person sees first determines how big the therapy bill is going to be (bigger for the helmet).

W2: I like how the flotsam logo completely saves this CCC (pbhhht!) from being a wreck. Or not.

W3: If helmets really did have side impact cushions, how much safer (and funnier) football would be.

W4: Are / were those cinnamon rolls? Decorating those should also be illegal.

W5: Okay...

W6: The Wally-world mascot has just about had it with all the flack the company has been getting here.

W7: A wreckerator's interpretation of the Mr. Floopers picture.

W8: Someone got a great deal on cake globes -- check out the 'snowperson' to the right. How does one even make a cake globe? Wouldn't the center be a disgusting mass of raw... never mind.

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterCraig

People, put down the spatula and back away from the kitchen. You are NOT qualified. Buyers should have their shopper cards revoked. These are just wrong although worth the "choopin' brocolllay" comment!

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterDeb

Ugh! I appreciated the "comb the desert" reference, however. It made my day!

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterBrandi

Go Mr. Floopers & Green Bay!

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterThe Writing Goddess


I think you're awesome.

That is all.


January 25, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterjohn (the hubby of Jen)

Choppin' Huh!

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterZazoo

If you buy one of these cakes, will the suits pick up the bill?

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJHill

Oh lord make the CCC stop!

Although when I got to "Chopping Broccoli" I started laughing so hard I snorted chicken soup. Which actually looked better than most of these cakes. Hurt less than looking at the cakes though. So win-win!

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterChristine

Poor Mr Floopers. Either that is one HUGE cat, or the helmet would fit a newborn?

ROFL!!! Totally laughed out loud at the "Comb the desert"!! Love a good Spaceballs reference - had t obe more, after the title. Have to admit in a cartoonish way, I liked the cookie helmeted guys. At least there was a positive ID.

I must be the only one in the dark on broccoli and Dana Carvey. Oh well, my education is sorely lacking without a television in the house.

Awesome, Fluffy Cow. I had the same word twist. Ah, these evil minded CW posts... always messing with my head.

Abstract method reminds me of a cartoon drawing... those Mr. and Mrs. people? It's Mr. Sad. Poor Mr. Sad. Someone threw poo at Mr. Sad.

The snowman head looks mildly angry at being in the same area as Peeping Tom. Not a bad helmet, but I have theimage of an astronaut's helmet, not one for football. Yes... outer space -- we should keep Peeping Tom where he belongs.


January 25, 2011 | Unregistered Commentermladybright

Mr Floopers does NOT look impressed! Although that is one cute cat.

#1 was decorated by a fan of the opposing team?

#2 this one is even worse than the Ravens cake!

#3 and #6 since one normally doesn't decorate cookies, and most of these giant cookies are decorated horrendously, can we pass a law that "thou shalt not ice a cookie"? And use these as models?

#4 is a Rorschach test. I'm seeing a yelling face, arms reaching out zombie-like and one heck of a strange hat/hairdo!

#5 Should I be grateful that I can actually recognize what these are supposed to be? Eye-poppingly shocking!

#7 it's sad when this is the best of the bunch

#8 Well, it's a recognizable helmet. And the design can be used to make snowmen heads. And by using a photo, it solves the whole some-staff-can't-draw-a-face challenge. Strikes me that this is a clever solution. But I wonder what they did with the chunk choopped out?

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAliza

I don't know about you guys, but the first thing I thought of when I saw the yellow one was a sad female "happy face" crying tears of Mondrian.

Composition II in Red, Blue, and yellow anyone? ...anyone? Just me then?


January 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKaren

Good heavenly-days! I knew what the theme o' the post was but I still could not figure out what some of those were supposed to be, so very artistic were those reimaginings of "helmet". Or it might have been the tears of laughter clouding my vision, starting with Mr. Floopers' remark (and the insinuation of putting OTHER things on his head). So many references to so many things - nerd-vana! This is my BAD thanks to you. (and I still want to know about that Viking/dragonfly/flower cake from Sunday!)

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMiss Mindy

he he he... comb the desert... THANK YOU! My students are making me nuts today. I needed the smile.

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAshley

Great post today!

Aliza, the missing piece of the helmet is in the freezer waiting for summer so it can be frosted as a watermelon slice and covered with plastic ants. Don't worry, it comes with a fork...


January 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

PostPost a New Comment

Enter your information below to add a new comment.
Author Email (optional):
Author URL (optional):
Some HTML allowed: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>