The Cake Cannibals
February 7, 2011 Once upon a time, a baker decided to ice a giant baby butt on a cake.
And so she did.
By turning it into a baby butt.The cake butt phenomenon took off like projectile vomit from a colicky infant. It was everywhere. EVERYWHERE. Otherwise rational women dreamed of eating chocolate-filled diapers. Grandmothers sliced up legs with abandon. Little children screamed in glee at the sight of adorably draped half bodies served up on platters. ("Aw, look, she's sobbing with glee!")
After a while, the original bakers got together again to munch on fondant toes and discuss their next "big thing." The vote was unanimous: they needed much larger bodies of work.
Literally.
"If eating baby butt is sweet, then eating mom boobs will be AMAZING," the bakers exclaimed.
And so, they did.
Just about everyone loved the mom boob & belly combo, but there were a few complaints from the moms-to-be. Not that their cake effigies were being eaten, of course, but that their cake effigies weren't sexy enough.
Quickly the bakers arrived at a solution: the cantaloupes would be made much larger than the watermelon ("if you catch our drift"), and mom's cakey doppelgänger would be dressed in only the raciest of lingerie, the better to emphasize how she ended up in her present glowing condition.
And so it was.
And, once again, everyone was happy.At this point the bakers fell into a deep depression. "We've done it all!" they moaned. "What more can we possibly achieve now that women are eating both baby butts *and* mom torsos?"
Which is when they realized: the only thing better than eating a mom torso or baby toes was eating them both together.
Quickly a new decree went out: push that lingerie aside! It's time to show off the baby inside the belly. And then EAT THEM BOTH. Haha!
Remember to keep that melon ratio, though.Until they discovered gelatin.
[ear-splitting scream][of glee]
Thanks to Jessica M., Candace G., Jessica T., Germaine, Jessica G., Sarah M., Taylor F., & Ruth T., who think that's one heckuva womb with a view.
Reader Comments (296)
I'm not sure what's exactly what disturbs me about the cakes:
1. The cakes.
2. The parties where you can find these cakes.
3. The people who would say: "I want more boob" or "could you save me an arm or something?"
"Farewell Baby Noh"??? Plus a gory knife with cake guts all over it? Sounds like an episode of Dexter, or something like that!!
Baby shower cakes shouldn't be ominous!!!
As I have stated before, things have totally gotten out of hand in cakeland. It may be time to head back to nice flat sheet cakes with violently-colored roses and those purchased rock-hard HAPPY BIRTHDAY letters for awhile to get over these abominations.
Anyway, I'm going to steer clear of showers for awhile.
One of your best posts yet! Too funny and horrifying all at once!!
AAAAAAAAAAAaIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!
*vomits*
Usually, reading your blog every day just makes me want cake every day. Now, I don't think I can go near a cake or a baby shower ever again.
Thanks for keeping us laughing!
The last one made me throw up in my mouth a little bit. Ew.
Oh lord. I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. Jell-o is now off my menu for eternity.
I never want to eat Jello again.
That last cake? Just three words:
Dis.
Gust.
Ing.
Oh my gosh. That last picture is practically terrifying. WTF?
Just so gross.
But that's why I read your blog every day! :)
GAG!!!
I laughed so hard at the last one, I choked on my spit!
I'll go with just "Ear splitting scream" and leave it at that.
The horror, the horror D: who thought that was a good idea
My 6 year old, a boy who has eaten some rather questionable things over the past few years, took one look at that last one and said "Ew! Who would want to eat that?"
Pretty much says it all I think.
Am I the only one who thought the baby bottle in the first cake was actually a cigarette?
And the biceps on the jello baby in the last picture are HUGE!
Oh sweet Mother of everything sacred... That last one is creepy!! Will have nightmares about that tonight.
stern voice:
Jen! You will NOT, I repeat NOT, post any cakes or edibles pretending to be cakes which show the "blessed event" itself. Are we clear, lady??
(insert epic stink eye here)
-Barbara Anne
P.S. I'm gonna need a plastic surgeon to get my lip out of "eyewwww" position.
I think this was your best post to date. I yelled out loud at the last picture! Thanks for thr ROFL!
-Files away a few more reasons not to have children-
Ah. Cakewrecks. Keeping me child free.
Oh I will have nightmares of that last cake. And why was one of those cakes with lingerie saying "Fairwell baby some name I couldn't even see lol. If it saw that cake I would run off too.. scary.
It's the return of Jello molds! Noooooo! Next, they'll be suspending vegetables in them and it will be the 50s all over again, but not the good parts!
Didn't the baby in the first cake grow up and appear in a Sir Mix-a-Lot video? I've heard of baby booties, but seriously!
That last one is soooooo many layers of wrong. So many.
[glee] [just glee]
I wonder if that amniotic jello is pineapple-flavored like clear gummi bears.
The last cake someone needs an anatomy class (well that or better yet a class in etiquette and good taste - with a very strict teacher).
Seriously - even the nude cakes and the one that people want to see the uncensored version of in Germany IMHO are in better taste (and that's saying something).
That said, this was quite funny and had a good story to the blog. Keep up the good work.
The teddy bear on the second cake got me. It looks like it had a heart attack and died!
And the torso and baby cakes always struck me as weird but they look so much more horrific sliced up. Yuck.
Great post! (Loved the ending! :)
Thanks for posting the alien baby cake, Jen! I knew you wouldn't be able to resist its wreckiness :D For anyone who is wondering, I saw this cake at a cake decorating contest of sorts. It won 3rd place! Don't ask me why.
LMAO!!!!!!! ......ok I wuz going to post something n I cant remember what, cuz I cant stop laughing n gagging.......ha ha ha ok I cant see past the tears in my eyes.......AHAHAHA!
Dear God, the gelatin cake...my eyes!! My eyes!! **shudder**
I literally just soiled myself.
You owe me new pants. And couches. And dinner. And a ceiling fan. And a trip to the groomers.
I am reading a lot of "This is why I don't have children" comments.
I think you're safe if you follow my sound advice:
A) Don't have babies with wreckerators.
B) Don't tell anyone you're knocked up until you are fully aware of their taste in confections
C) Develop an application process to plan/attend your baby shower
D) Order your own cake-not from a relative who "just loves making cakes".
E) Stop saying "threw up in my mouth a little bit" Played out, people. Played out. Please, just stop.
The baby, and I use the term VERY loosely, in the wombquarium reminds me of the Flukeman from the first ever season of The X Files.
Someone pass me a machete....
I'm on of the weirdos who think the pregnant torso cakes are kinda cute, but I cannot buy into the bikini region included. I do not understand that! Too much to the imagination. The gelatin cake is beyond disturbing
Whoa, imagine when they started up serving that amniotic jello bubby bubble - was there an enthusiastic queue or did that clear the room?
I am afraid. And scarred for life. And never having another baby. And also never going to another baby shower. Also, maybe never eating cake again. Thanks a lot Jen!!
Ugh! The mom effigy with the leg cut really grossed me out. Too much imagination happening for 7am!! The last one just makes things all the worse. I never knew the world was filled with so many people who want to *literally* eat a baby... I'm hiding inside and barricading the doors!! This is clearly a sign the zombie apocalypse is starting!
In the future, women will be genetically engineered for their abdomens to become transparent upon conception, allowing doctors to monitor the growth and well being of the fetus without the aid of medical imaging, rendering the 4D ultrasound technology obsolete.
Want to apologize to all for multiple posts. First time posting on CW...didn't read the part about the 6 hour delay...SORRY!!! :)
As a pregnant woman, who WAS eating a banana to maintain good health for her unborn child, I appreciate the lesson. Strangely enough, my mother has been taking cake decorating courses. I pray to God she doesn't come here and sees this!
I have never seen anything so hideous!
This is the first time I've posted but I have to add my voice to the masses on that last one - seriously? SERIOUSLY? Who came up with that idea and said "we have to do this!"
Three things:
There is NOT always room for Jello.
For the rest of my life, whenever I hear the phrase "progressively worse" I suspect I will picture this entry.
I have a strange craving to read the book "A Dandy in Aspic."
wv - pholyh.
It was pure pholyh to make these cakes.
WTF could they POSSIBLY have been thinking with that last one???? WHY?!?!?!?!??!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!??!?!
And what pregnant woman would want to hack into a belly cake like that? CALL CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES! QUICK!!!!
That. last. cake.
Must.. rinse.. my.. eyes..
Must... delete... brain...
*blinks*
Hi there!
What lovely cakes!
*scrolls down*
*yelps*
*faints*
Seriously???????
EEEEEEEEEEEEK! Who came up with that last horrifying concept?!
oh my god. speechless.
My jaw literally dropped as I scrolled down to the last "cake"... I just don't get it!