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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen
Monday
Feb072011

The Cake Cannibals

Once upon a time, a baker decided to ice a giant baby butt on a cake.

And so she did.

The rest of the bakers gathered round to congratulate her, and before long they'd all agreed: baby butts were surprisingly appetizing. Reeling from this rear realization, the bakers went on to change the face of baby shower cakes forever.


By turning it into a baby butt.

The cake butt phenomenon took off like projectile vomit from a colicky infant. It was everywhere. EVERYWHERE. Otherwise rational women dreamed of eating chocolate-filled diapers. Grandmothers sliced up legs with abandon. Little children screamed in glee at the sight of adorably draped half bodies served up on platters. ("Aw, look, she's sobbing with glee!")

After a while, the original bakers got together again to munch on fondant toes and discuss their next "big thing." The vote was unanimous: they needed much larger bodies of work.

Literally.

"If eating baby butt is sweet, then eating mom boobs will be AMAZING," the bakers exclaimed.

And so, they did.


Just about everyone loved the mom boob & belly combo, but there were a few complaints from the moms-to-be. Not that their cake effigies were being eaten, of course, but that their cake effigies weren't sexy enough.

Quickly the bakers arrived at a solution: the cantaloupes would be made much larger than the watermelon ("if you catch our drift"), and mom's cakey doppelgänger would be dressed in only the raciest of lingerie, the better to emphasize how she ended up in her present glowing condition.

And so it was.

And, once again, everyone was happy.

At this point the bakers fell into a deep depression. "We've done it all!" they moaned. "What more can we possibly achieve now that women are eating both baby butts *and* mom torsos?"

Which is when they realized: the only thing better than eating a mom torso or baby toes was eating them both together.

Quickly a new decree went out: push that lingerie aside! It's time to show off the baby inside the belly. And then EAT THEM BOTH. Haha!

Remember to keep that melon ratio, though.

At last, the bakers felt they had arrived at the pinnacle of baby shower cakedom. They would continue to fine-tune, of course: a cherry filling here, a plastic baby fished out with tongs there - but overall, their cannibalistic urges were sated. And all was well.

Until they discovered gelatin.





[ear-splitting scream]

[of glee]

Thanks to Jessica M., Candace G., Jessica T., Germaine, Jessica G., Sarah M., Taylor F., & Ruth T., who think that's one heckuva womb with a view.

« One of These Things is Not Like the Other | Main | The Super Bowl of Sunday Sweets! »

Reader Comments (300)

I'm not sure what's exactly what disturbs me about the cakes:

1. The cakes.
2. The parties where you can find these cakes.
3. The people who would say: "I want more boob" or "could you save me an arm or something?"

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

"Farewell Baby Noh"??? Plus a gory knife with cake guts all over it? Sounds like an episode of Dexter, or something like that!!

Baby shower cakes shouldn't be ominous!!!

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLetitia

As I have stated before, things have totally gotten out of hand in cakeland. It may be time to head back to nice flat sheet cakes with violently-colored roses and those purchased rock-hard HAPPY BIRTHDAY letters for awhile to get over these abominations.

Anyway, I'm going to steer clear of showers for awhile.

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterdrgns4vr

One of your best posts yet! Too funny and horrifying all at once!!

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

AAAAAAAAAAAaIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!

*vomits*

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLulu

Usually, reading your blog every day just makes me want cake every day. Now, I don't think I can go near a cake or a baby shower ever again.
Thanks for keeping us laughing!

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterElizabeth

The last one made me throw up in my mouth a little bit. Ew.

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Oh lord. I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. Jell-o is now off my menu for eternity.

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer

I never want to eat Jello again.

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterClair

That last cake? Just three words:
Dis.
Gust.
Ing.

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterFM

Oh my gosh. That last picture is practically terrifying. WTF?

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterZarola

Just so gross.

But that's why I read your blog every day! :)

GAG!!!

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterCarrie Miller

I laughed so hard at the last one, I choked on my spit!

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I'll go with just "Ear splitting scream" and leave it at that.

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterEat Cake

The horror, the horror D: who thought that was a good idea

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

My 6 year old, a boy who has eaten some rather questionable things over the past few years, took one look at that last one and said "Ew! Who would want to eat that?"
Pretty much says it all I think.

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Am I the only one who thought the baby bottle in the first cake was actually a cigarette?

And the biceps on the jello baby in the last picture are HUGE!

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSarah

Oh sweet Mother of everything sacred... That last one is creepy!! Will have nightmares about that tonight.

February 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJes

stern voice:
Jen! You will NOT, I repeat NOT, post any cakes or edibles pretending to be cakes which show the "blessed event" itself. Are we clear, lady??

(insert epic stink eye here)

-Barbara Anne

P.S. I'm gonna need a plastic surgeon to get my lip out of "eyewwww" position.

February 8, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I think this was your best post to date. I yelled out loud at the last picture! Thanks for thr ROFL!

February 8, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJanine

-Files away a few more reasons not to have children-

Ah. Cakewrecks. Keeping me child free.

February 8, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAi

Oh I will have nightmares of that last cake. And why was one of those cakes with lingerie saying "Fairwell baby some name I couldn't even see lol. If it saw that cake I would run off too.. scary.

February 8, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterArlene

It's the return of Jello molds! Noooooo! Next, they'll be suspending vegetables in them and it will be the 50s all over again, but not the good parts!

Didn't the baby in the first cake grow up and appear in a Sir Mix-a-Lot video? I've heard of baby booties, but seriously!

February 8, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterpikkewyntjie

That last one is soooooo many layers of wrong. So many.

February 8, 2011 | Unregistered Commentersalgalruns

[glee] [just glee]

I wonder if that amniotic jello is pineapple-flavored like clear gummi bears.

February 8, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

The last cake someone needs an anatomy class (well that or better yet a class in etiquette and good taste - with a very strict teacher).

Seriously - even the nude cakes and the one that people want to see the uncensored version of in Germany IMHO are in better taste (and that's saying something).

That said, this was quite funny and had a good story to the blog. Keep up the good work.

February 8, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

The teddy bear on the second cake got me. It looks like it had a heart attack and died!

And the torso and baby cakes always struck me as weird but they look so much more horrific sliced up. Yuck.

Great post! (Loved the ending! :)

February 8, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterRebecca F.

Thanks for posting the alien baby cake, Jen! I knew you wouldn't be able to resist its wreckiness :D For anyone who is wondering, I saw this cake at a cake decorating contest of sorts. It won 3rd place! Don't ask me why.

February 8, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterRuth T.

LMAO!!!!!!! ......ok I wuz going to post something n I cant remember what, cuz I cant stop laughing n gagging.......ha ha ha ok I cant see past the tears in my eyes.......AHAHAHA!

February 8, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterCecilia

Dear God, the gelatin cake...my eyes!! My eyes!! **shudder**

February 8, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I literally just soiled myself.
You owe me new pants. And couches. And dinner. And a ceiling fan. And a trip to the groomers.

February 8, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMissNay

I am reading a lot of "This is why I don't have children" comments.

I think you're safe if you follow my sound advice:

A) Don't have babies with wreckerators.

B) Don't tell anyone you're knocked up until you are fully aware of their taste in confections

C) Develop an application process to plan/attend your baby shower

D) Order your own cake-not from a relative who "just loves making cakes".

E) Stop saying "threw up in my mouth a little bit" Played out, people. Played out. Please, just stop.

February 8, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMissNay

The baby, and I use the term VERY loosely, in the wombquarium reminds me of the Flukeman from the first ever season of The X Files.

Someone pass me a machete....

February 8, 2011 | Unregistered Commentermorriganscrow

I'm on of the weirdos who think the pregnant torso cakes are kinda cute, but I cannot buy into the bikini region included. I do not understand that! Too much to the imagination. The gelatin cake is beyond disturbing

February 8, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Whoa, imagine when they started up serving that amniotic jello bubby bubble - was there an enthusiastic queue or did that clear the room?

February 8, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterDjen

I am afraid. And scarred for life. And never having another baby. And also never going to another baby shower. Also, maybe never eating cake again. Thanks a lot Jen!!

February 8, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKati

Ugh! The mom effigy with the leg cut really grossed me out. Too much imagination happening for 7am!! The last one just makes things all the worse. I never knew the world was filled with so many people who want to *literally* eat a baby... I'm hiding inside and barricading the doors!! This is clearly a sign the zombie apocalypse is starting!

February 8, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJabby

In the future, women will be genetically engineered for their abdomens to become transparent upon conception, allowing doctors to monitor the growth and well being of the fetus without the aid of medical imaging, rendering the 4D ultrasound technology obsolete.

February 8, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterfairedust

Want to apologize to all for multiple posts. First time posting on CW...didn't read the part about the 6 hour delay...SORRY!!! :)

February 8, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterfairedust

As a pregnant woman, who WAS eating a banana to maintain good health for her unborn child, I appreciate the lesson. Strangely enough, my mother has been taking cake decorating courses. I pray to God she doesn't come here and sees this!

February 8, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnna Crossley

I have never seen anything so hideous!

February 8, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterNatasha

This is the first time I've posted but I have to add my voice to the masses on that last one - seriously? SERIOUSLY? Who came up with that idea and said "we have to do this!"

February 8, 2011 | Unregistered Commentercurtangel

Three things:

There is NOT always room for Jello.

For the rest of my life, whenever I hear the phrase "progressively worse" I suspect I will picture this entry.

I have a strange craving to read the book "A Dandy in Aspic."

wv - pholyh.

It was pure pholyh to make these cakes.

February 8, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterEllen

WTF could they POSSIBLY have been thinking with that last one???? WHY?!?!?!?!??!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!??!?!
And what pregnant woman would want to hack into a belly cake like that? CALL CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES! QUICK!!!!

February 8, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterQuisty

That. last. cake.
Must.. rinse.. my.. eyes..
Must... delete... brain...

*blinks*

Hi there!
What lovely cakes!

*scrolls down*

*yelps*

*faints*

February 8, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMafdet

Seriously???????

February 8, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterDeanna

EEEEEEEEEEEEK! Who came up with that last horrifying concept?!

February 8, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterThe Black Dog

oh my god. speechless.

February 8, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKatie

My jaw literally dropped as I scrolled down to the last "cake"... I just don't get it!

February 8, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJennWasham

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