My Other Blog

What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen

Dear Diary...

April 10th, 2011 - Today was my first day as a cake decorator at the local Wrecky Mart. My parents claim they warned me of this day when they told me not to major in Ancient Latin Philosophical Dance Theory, but I wouldn't trade those 14 years for the world!

Anyway, for our first lesson, Susan, the Bakery manager, taught me how to make a dog cake. I did it with an Ancient Latin flourish!

April 11th, 2011- My second day at the bakery. Susan was arrested this morning for stealing headcheese, so now I'm the Bakery manager. (And my parents said I'd never get anywhere with this job!) My first customer placed an order for a Spider-Man cake. I hate to brag, but I think I exceeded everyone's expectations:

April 12th, 2011 - I think I'm getting the hang of this! Three more orders filled today: one for a school spirit cake... for a Dora the Explorer cake...

...and one for Easter.

This decorating thing is a breeze!

April 13th, 2011 - Wow. I've been asked to teach an advanced decorating class at Wrecky Mart! I've learned so much since my early days at the bakery. How foolish I was then, making all of my cakes look the same! I was such an amateur.

Fortunately, I've since mastered the art of using color...

Evoking emotion...

And replicating Grimace from the old McDonald's commercials.

Who knew I could ever become such a master of decorating?

April 14th, 2011- Today I was asked to leave the Wrecky Mart. :( Something about me "flying under the radar for too long," and being a "complete sham" with "no formal training" or "talent of any kind." Clearly the upper management is threatened by my talent. Still, I'm not worried: I hear Mart Wrecks is hiring.

Besides, I got a lovely farewell cake from my associates - the ones I taught everything I know:

Viva los Ancient Latin Philosophical Dance Theory Academy!

Thanks to Heather H., Jen S., Manda, Donovan F., Dylett B., Stephanie V., Leslie W., & Amanda K. And, in the ancient words of my forefathers, "Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam."

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Reader Comments (76)

Were these at the same bakery ?

April 14, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterninja dude 11

I really don't know what to say when i find the dead dog to be the most appealing cake in the lot. There has to be something wrong with that...

And yet, i can't find anything really good about the others to make me change my mind.

April 14, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterEvalis

Nothing says "buy & devour me" like swirling piles of colored poo attempting to look like a dog.

April 14, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAngie

WV: ophal

These dog cakes are just ophal!


April 14, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

LOL love the journal entry blogs! with appropriate wreck photos

@Angie--I loved the way your phrased that!

wv: supess. I had to supess my gag reflex on that nasty green icing color.

meanwhile, the sadistic side of me wants to get the dead dog cake for my new-dog-owner-s-i-l who keeps interrupting every phone conversation with me to babytalk to the dog. the little shit-zu

April 14, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Best motto ever! "I have a catapult. Give me all your money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head."

Also, the hot pink puppy cake is way tiny... Hope it wasn't expensive! *tugs collar*

April 14, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJackieBean

Does the label on that last one say "Cupcake Critter?" A CCC by any other name....

April 14, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSara

I'm a Latin teacher, and I always tell my students to be on the look out for "Latin Moments"---when Latin happens to appear in your everyday life. Who knew I'd have a Latin Moment on Cake Wrecks?

April 14, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMarie

That is hilarious! (as always!)
The first cake reminds me of my son's pet hedgehog, "Daisy". Now I think maybe he should rename her "Sprinkles"!

April 14, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterzoomom

hahaha the story for this one is genius!

April 14, 2011 | Unregistered Commentermouse

Latin for the WIN!!!!! %)

April 14, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKaren

I want a pet hedgehog!

April 14, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

@zoomom - OMG, I am totally naming our next dog Sprinkles. That's hilarious. :)

April 14, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKEI

If she had been smart, she would have told her employers, "Bis repetita placent."

BTW, as a wage slave with a Master's in Old Testament Theology, I appreciated the humor in this. Especially "the best 14 years of my life." I would cry if it hit any closer to home.

April 14, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterthesacredandtheprofane

Oh no, I see the wv and now I gotta post.

Not swirling piles of colored poo.
That will not do! That will not do!
Not even on a snickerdoo
dle should you add a purple poo
dle! Don't you ever use your noo
dle? Keep your basics, mind your batter
If you're no Pollock, make no splatter!
And notonapu pu platter
should a <a href=">flaming pup</a> appear.

April 14, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterChristian Johnson

I love the "Evoking Emotion" cake, because it looks so much like my mom's dog! I'm not going to eat it though, because that much black icing makes me want to puke.

April 14, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterA.J.

This post was GREAT!

And of course, since I studied just a smidgen of Latin in school, I also loved the Latin "motto."

I even managed to make out about five of the words on my own before I had to look up the others. Heh.

April 14, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKittyKat

Soooo mannnnnnnnyyyyyyy dog cakes........

The heavy-handed airbrush cakes are always my favorites. :)

April 14, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterTheLandlubberWife

Oh, fnark. That should've read:

And notonapu pu platter
Should a" rel="nofollow">flaming pup appear.

New wv: Now, hentsha embarrassed by all that?

April 14, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterChristian Johnson

Haha, this made me giggle.

April 14, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKatie

Hehehehehehe what were they trying to do there??

April 14, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I had the unfortunate pleasure to working a Target Bakery for 4 years. I hated making those stupid animal cupcake things. I would have loved to a few like the last one in the post to express my feelings.

April 14, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSara

"I have a catapult. Give me all your money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head."

Jackie did a much better job than the free Internet Latin-to-English translator! Thank you, Jackie!

April 14, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Y'know, this blog is really going to the dogs today-- which means we need a "dogapult." Although I imagine a cat CCC would work as well for ammo. Wonderful post.

Cake Wrecks should really sponsor an event where competitors bake/buy wrecks or CCCs, and then catapult them to see which entry gets the best distance. The winner gets a copy of the next book -- c'mon, Jen, it'd be a great book "launch."

Censeo Toto. Nos in Kansa esse desisse. ("Quiet, Toto. We're not in Kansas anymore.") -- from a plaque in the law library at CU Boulder.)

April 14, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSharyn in Superior

I kinda love that first doggy. It just looks so sad I want to cuddle it. I don't however want to eat it because it looks as if it's eyes and nose are made from either black olives or black lickoriche.
One of which is delicious but has no place on a cake and the other of which is disgusting and has no place in the universe.

April 14, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterDani

Thanks to that last picture, I now have the song "Dead Puppies Aren't Much Fun" running through my head.
And to your forefathers I say, *et cum spiritu tuo*.

April 14, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterH Lynnea

Okay whenI get home I'm breaking the ol' Latin to English dictionary.

April 14, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJulia

Wow, this blog has really gone to the dogs today.

April 14, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterDanger Boy

I don't think that first cake is a dog at all. I'm not ASPiring to change anyone's mind, but I hope you will grASP what I mean when I say: something that looked a lot like that fell down my shirt collar one time and stang the bejeebers out of me, all the way down my back! I hoped that somebody would PHNIC (wv) it off but they didn't.

April 14, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMomcat

Caveat emptor id est cave canem!
De gustibus non disputandum est.

April 14, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterdiddleymaz

Ha ha ha!

The part where she "got fired" with all those "quotation marks" forcibly reminded me of Chris Farley's Bennett Brauer from SNL. Bwa ha!

Oh yeah. And those cakes! -As usual, the commentary was the best part. (So glad so there are so many wreckerators to make this blog possible!)

April 14, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterDangGina

Is it bad I kind of like the Easter one? It's like the puppy is cuddling up the Easter eggs and I don't know why but it's adorable. At least, as adorable as a frosting pile and some plastic bits can be....

April 14, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

is it wrong that I actually kind of like the dead dog cake?

at least it's funny - the others are just downright scary!

(the diary entries were, however, hilarious!)

April 14, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterT

Carpe Canem!

(of course, you'll get icing all over your fingers . . . )

April 14, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterEllen

Well, who doesn't just love a dead dog cake! A great cake to give the kids when they say "Why can't we find Fido?" And I couldn't help but notice that dogs 2 and 3 have their faces on their paws!!! Is this some twisted form of experimental cake-cloning! Cut off the paw and a new dog grows?? But the best are the colorful poo-dog cakes! They are the perfect melding of the dichotomy of form and content!

wv - kerse: to say naughty things in a foreign language

April 14, 2011 | Unregistered Commentermel

great post.. too funny
i would have a hard time eating any of the pups though

April 14, 2011 | Unregistered Commentertiny purple elephant

I just sat at my desk at work and got strange looks for giggling to myself. My favorite was the Spiderman cake!

April 14, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterWendy

"Puppies are cuddly
Puppies are cute
They're never nasty or mean
I'd give a home
To all the lost puppies
If ever one day I were queeeeeeen!"

(The funny part is, that song was running through my head *before* I read today's post.)

April 14, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSTephanie

Hilarious as always. The antidote to my stressful day!

April 14, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterDaisy

A road kill cake should show more squishage.

April 14, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterpikkewyntjie

wv: rentil - When I saw all those dog CCCs I rentil I got them out of my head.

Awesome post but to those people who don't understand Latin I say: Bene, cum Latine nescias, nolo manus meas in te maculare.

April 14, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterTravlnbard

Mmmm, headcheese... I learned about that from the Little House books.

Dog head cheese?

April 14, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKelly

This worries me a bit, that I know this - but that second cake, with Spider Man, looks to be Ms. Lion - "A rambunctious male dog who belongs to (Spiderman's) Aunt May. Although he doesn't have any super powers, Ms Lion became a founding member of the Pet Avengers and saved his feline team-mate, Hairball.

The rest of them I have no explanation for...

April 14, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSarah

Wow,,, someone must really like making dog cakes....

WV: Moddl - I wonder if they had an actual dog to come Moddl for these wrecks... *shrugs shoulders*

April 14, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterNo Cake Fo' You!

Wow. Who knew one wreck could be so versatile? Truly, the frosting-encrusted vaguely dog-shaped Wreck goes with anything.

Or nothing. But to the Philosophy of Latin Dance student, is there really any difference?

April 14, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMonica

Your story entries are sometimes forced, but this narrative is awesome. It explains so much about those stupid dog cakes!

April 14, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAviatrix

The common thread: these are all CCC's, aren't they. Now I get the catapult tie-in:

#2&3 (with apologies to Barbara Anne): Why are the paws turned up? I don't want to think about how that could even happen. The hand in #3 has the wrong finger raised.

#6,7 & 8 prove that food coloring should be a controlled substance. Very tightly controlled.

#6 looks like you could still see it with the lights off. I just wish they could have found a bigger container.

Speaking of 'not good eats'...

What is in the lower left on #8? I could guess it is supposed to be 'dog food' but from here it looks like used dog food.

#9 What should happen to all CCC's (patooie!).

Any that are not called out: Why? Not 'why did I not call them out,' but 'why do they exist'.

April 14, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterCraig

I've always thought that no force in Hell could make me buy one of those dog cakes. But I would buy the roadkill cake without a second thought. That's hilarious!

April 14, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMarcelle

Identical Doggie Disasters all across the board. Did the Fuchsia dog get into some paint cans? Bad!

April 14, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAuto Title Loans

Don't usually comment, because by the time I get there, many people have said what I want to say. But why has no-one else mentionned the thing on top of the pink one? Am I the only one seeing a naked, splayed plasticine figure? And if so, should I seek professional help?

April 14, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKaty

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