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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen
Thursday
Mar152012

Jen's Top Ten Sham-Wrecks

This week the world watched in silent horror as bakers everywhere struggled to remember what a three-leaf clover looks like.

This post bears witness to the tragic results.

 

Money may not grow on trees, mom and dad, but I have it on good authority that butts do.

 

"Oscar the Grouch learns to finger paint."

 

This is actually a bird's eye view of a gigantic clover crowd-surfing.

If you're not seeing it, you're just not drunk enough. (Do something about that, won't you?)

 

And this is what happens when someone leaps into a bakery and cries, "Get me three alien bugs on a cookie cake, AND STEP ON IT!"

I know, I know; it's like I was actually there. Like I was a little green squished fly on the wall.

 

It's a tree. Or a keyhole. Or a tree-shaped keyhole.

Or a valid reason to drink another Guinness.

{HUZZAH!}

 

At first I totally thought this was a Canadian maple leaf made by a color-blind decorator.

Then I thought, "Wait, they wouldn't hire a color-blind decorator, would they?"

Then I laughed and laughed and had another Guinness. Because I'm Irish, and that's allowed. Because Guinness isn't just for breakfast anymore, people. It's also for elevensies.

 

[blinking]

Clearly I need more Guinness.

 

When Broccoli has an identity crisis:

"So my therapist's all, 'Try journaling!', and I'm all, 'MY FLORETS CAN'T HOLD A PEN, @$$HOLE.'

 

"Then I went home and vegged in front of the TV all week."

"Cool story, bro."

 

And finally, a personal favorite:

I imagine this cake's design came about something like this:

"What do you mean, clovers aren't yellow?

"Ok, ok, FINE, I'll add a green outline on top.

"What do you mean, it still looks a little plain?

"Ok, ok, FINE, I'll pour a bag of chocolate chips on it."

And you know what? I'm actually having a hard time imagining a situation that couldn't be improved by pouring a bag of chocolate chips on something. Seriously. Try to name one. YOU CAN'T.

[pouring chocolate chips in Guinness]

And so, friends, in conclusion: I actually kind of hate Guinness. Please send piná coladas. Tinted green. 

Thank you.

 

Also thanks to Juliet R., Katey W., Bethany P., Jodee R., Whitney C., Samantha G., Jess L., Lisa B., Bill A., & Jodee R. for sham-rockin' today's sham-wrecks.

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Reader Comments (77)

Those aren't chocolate chips...they're leprechaun pellets! And the leprechauns have been hitting the cabbage and corned beef pretty hard.

March 15, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterHowlin Mad

I lost it at "My florets can't hold a pen".

Thank you.

March 15, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterFluffy Cow

In response to the last one - what is a "diner cake?" Am I to assume it is supposed to be a "dinner cake?" If that's the case, who cares what it looks like - it's a cake you're supposed to eat for dinner people! I'm in!

March 15, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterNicole

I feel so uneducated. What exactly is a diner cake?

March 15, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterScaperMama

When I went to Ireland and admitted in a pub that I don't really like beer, they added black currant cordial to my pint of Guinness. Much more yummy! I ordered it in every pub after that, and no one blinked an eye. I'm not sure if that is proof it's 'traditional' but at least it's not wholly un-Irish.

March 15, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAmy

Sham-wrecks!! Love it!!

March 15, 2012 | Unregistered Commenteremmbeedee

Oh my, I think I could have done better than that when I was 8 and had hand eye coordination issues O_o

March 15, 2012 | Unregistered Commentermindy1

My day is officially made by a reference to elevensies!

March 15, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterRoseAnn

My daughter tried pouring chocolate chips over a huge glob of peanut butter she'd put on her pancake at a buffet once. She couldn't eat peanut butter and chocolate together for YEARS.

I, on the other hand, have no problem with taking a huge glob of peanut butter and adding chocolate (either chips or bars or whatever's handy). She speculates that it was the brand of peanut butter that wrecked it.

Does peanut butter decorate cakes?

March 15, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMuria

Honestly, before I even scrolled down to read the comment about the last cake, my first thought was "at least it has chocolate chips - everything's better with chocolate chips!" Great minds and all that?

And I'm afraid I thought the tree/keyhole thing was some preschooler's first drawing of broccoli which his or her parents had decided to have commemorated in cake form . . . because, you know, us parents are sometimes weird that way . . .

March 15, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterIkwig

Mmm, Guinness.
I'm off to pour a bag of chocolate chips on the 9 million things I have to get done today.

March 15, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJordan

Candy jacuzzi
comes in groovy retro style.
Make chips, not shamrocks.

March 15, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterHaiku Joy

Am frightened that so many of these have the same Bakery label. Because that means... THAT MEANS... they are STILL in business .... and will probably remain so.

March 15, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSylph

Am I the ONLY one who sees a Mickey Mouse head in that last one? O.O

March 15, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAshley P

Jen - try Bailey's Irish Cream. Still Irish and MUCH tastier! You can even put it in your morning coffee and start the day right :-)

March 15, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterbmbagain803

I'm home sick from school today and even though I am underage I still know where my parents keep beer.

March 15, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterCatie

To those of you asking what "diner cakes" are:
I grew up in an area of NY where there were a lot of Greek diners. The dessert cake slices were huge. I believe a "diner cake" is a cake that is rather tall and the slices are typically large enough to feed at least two. Just my guess.

March 15, 2012 | Unregistered Commentersugar

Broccoli and clover
are not twins - Seriously!
Rainbow lacks violet

For the record, I would SO eat the green alien bug cookie cake but the rest make me want to seek out the nearest blended drink (it's noon somewhere!) and relax my standards for "good" cakes. :)

March 15, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterGrnEyes6

"Oscar the Grouch learns to finger paint" is the cutest description of a wreck I've ever seen.

@ Nicole and ScaperMama: Apparently a diner cake is a real and delicious thing, made with vanilla cake and flavored icing stacked tall. You could have it for dinner, but why limit yourself?

@ Syph: I used to work at a chain that used that label. Some of our cakes weren't wrecks, I promise!

March 15, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterNaomi

Oh my, they just keep getting worse and worse! I'm flabbergasted! (Seriously, my gast is all flabbered now.) I thought that last one was your favoriite because it was supposed to be a Mickey silhouette.

On top of all that, you just keep geting funnier and funnier. My poor flabbery gast is gasping and wheezing now. I think it needs some Guinness, too.

March 15, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterFlartus

No! That was the first thing I saw, too. Mickey Mouse!

March 15, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterCaryn

I am so ready to pour a bag of chocolate chips over things today. Now I just need something to go a little wrong so I have an excuse. Please?

March 15, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterStephanie

@Ashley P: Mickey Mouse with pus dribbling out of one ear.

Three alien bugs.... I'm suddenly in a mood for Doctor Who. I wonder why. [wanders off to Netflix]

March 15, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterelissa

That last one looks like a luchador mask to me. Do Leprechauns wrestle?

March 15, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJacJac

Chocolate chips in Guinness! Yum!

March 15, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBeth Groundwater

At least the Oscar the Grouch hand got the rainbow colors in the right order. (This is not a given in the land o' wrecks, as you all know!)

March 15, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterHolly

I think that third one is doing something to the crowd besides "surfing"... If you get my drift... Of course, I have a dirty mind.

On a "positive" note, we haven't had any "Sham-Poo" wrecks yet this year. Yet. YET...

March 15, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBADKarma

Truly embarrassed for all clovers out there, but "Oscar the Grouch learns to finger paint" is adorable and hilarious, thanks for the laugh :)

March 15, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterRachel

With emphasis on the word "some", Naomi has the best comment of the day:
"Some of our cakes weren't wrecks, I promise!"

...the battle cry of every wreckerator, to be sure.

March 15, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterM. Dale

I'm I the only one now singing the "Choppin Brock-o-lay" song?

March 15, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterGranny K

I laughed so hard today. Thanks. I needed it.

I don't have any Pina Coladas, but I am drinking coconut black tea.....it's like the same thing, right?

I am now considering running home to grab the bag of chocolate chips in my freezer......BRB!

@Catie: You march right back to your room, young lady! No beer for you! Here, have some chocolate chips. Mmmmm, chocolate. And maybe a piece of that white CCC (patooie!). It looks like it has a lot of fiber....

March 15, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAndrea

*gets Jen a pina colada in a pint glass*

March 15, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKim

What about breakfast? Second breakfast? Luncheon? Afternoon tea? Dinner? Supper?

March 15, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterEli & Ember's Mom

A new Cake Wrecks Mantra!:
I want sprinkles!
With daisies!
Deep fried!
Underneat that
in script
More Guinness
and pour chocolate chips on it!
Booooyah!

March 15, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMaureen

As I say every St Patricks Day and so do a lot of us around here, He wasnt Irish.
St Patrick was a Welsh evangelical preacher doing missionary work.
and yes dear US pals its OK to have a shot of Blackcurrent or Lime added to a beer ,Guiness and Black or that old 70's favorite Lager and Lime or Lager with a lemon top were all regular if infrequent requests when i was bar maiding.
During the 80's and 90's various versions of a pint with added flavour were know as things like Snake Bite and had a fearsome reputation, these days its more shots and foreign bottled beer
.Binge drinking just isnt what it used to be!

March 15, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterdiddleymaz

And here I was thinking I was the only one to spy a hidden mickey in that last cake...

March 15, 2012 | Unregistered Commentermistiqueallie

It's probably wrong that I saw one of those dead body tape silhouettes in the sixth one, right? Right? It's so wrong.

March 15, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBubbe

Jen, have I mentioned recently that I adore you? You start my day off right, even without Guinness. Thanks for sticking with this, and giving me my daily laugh. (For the record, I bake, but I don't decorate, in large part so my creations don't end up on CakeWrecks. They taste fantastic but look homemade, and that's the point!)

March 15, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSweet!Baker

Great post! Thank you for the fit of giggles *hic*. More Guiness please.

March 15, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterlabgoddess

That first one is exactly how I used to draw shamrocks when I was four.

March 15, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterladycrim

IF you like pina coladas....

Great, now the song is stuck in my head. Which, I might say, is better than having those shamwrecks stuck in there.

You did get me at "I can't hold a pen!", Lost it! I am surprised you didn't Epcot Mickey on the last cake, though. It was sooo clear!

*sigh* I'm glad I'm not Irish around these cakewreckers... so very glad.

March 15, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterDi

Oscar's cake (from the movie of the same name): "We're out of violet icing again? How does that even happen?! Roy won't be even slightly happy."

Cake. It's what's for diner.

March 15, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterCraig

Well, maple leaves start out green. Canada happens to have put a dead one on their flag . . .

March 15, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKittymama

Broccoli? No - that's Mermaid Gumby!

March 15, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterLizziebeth109

Don't bother with the guinness if you don't like it. Get some Magner's. Its a hard apple cider (also available in pear). They have it at most publixes (what IS the plural of publix), most ABCs and definitely at Total Wine down on 50 near Bumby. (no, not a stalker, just a fellow orlando dweller) If you're up for going out to get it, Paddy Murphy's in Baldwin Park, Hagan O'reilly's out in Winter Garden (its quite a drive for me but its a very cool place -- the bar was disassembled from a place in ireland and brought over here and reassembled.) And Raglan Road at DT Disney.

March 15, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterGinny

"Because Guinness isn't just for breakfast anymore, people. It's also for elevensies."

Stellar.

March 15, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSarah

Am I the only one seeing a sick turkey in the next to last wreck?

March 15, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMikyla

Okay, since this was kind of like a Rorschach test to me I will answer with the first thing that came into mind with each photo: sad cowboy, happy alien, GMO pickle Fail, bugs, A-bomb, green guy waving, cauliflower prom dress, Louisiana, Sifl & Ollie, bird poop. Am I crazy?

March 15, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterElizabeth

Jenn you must try Irish Mist Whiskey...mmmm sweet!

March 15, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterValerie

That one cupcake fiasco looks like a cross between Italy and Ireland.

Irtland.

March 15, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterARBY

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