Pucker Up, St. Patrick!

Friends, tomorrow is St. Patrick's Day, and that means you're going to be facing down a drunken horde wearing funny green hats and demanding that you kiss them. [KISS ME]

But I'm here to help. [KISS ME NOW!]

First, you should know that alcohol has a way of reducing inhibitions, and also that Oscar here may have sniffed a little too much finger paint yesterday:

"Let's get trashed!!"

Second, just because a person is Irish doesn't mean you have to kiss them.

I'm getting some mixed signals here, to be honest.

Hey, this is a free country! You can kiss any one or any thing you want! Still, there are a few red flags to watch for when deciding whether or not someone is worthy of the ol' lip lock.

Things like...

Noticeable drool:

"The claaaawww."

Excessive, creepy staring:

"Your hide will make a fine poncho!"

Excessive, creepy tongue:

"Yiiiiipth yipth yipth yipth yipth yipth..."

Now let's run through a quick role-playing exercise, so I can show you how to gracefully escape any awkward kissing-negotiation situation:

Hopeful Would-Be Kisser:

"Well hello there." [eyebrow waggle] "As you can see by my funny green hat and pipe, I am obviously Irish! So you have to kiss me!"

[puckering up and leaning in]

Unenthusiastic Kiss Avoidee:

[ **** ]

Newly Unnerved Would-Be Kisser:

"Oh...uh...I say! Look at that thing over there that I have to go attend to immediately! Er...nice... meeting you?"

See? Works every time! And this is a fool-proof strategy, because it places you squarely in the "excessive creepy staring" category, which no one wants to tangle with.

Just be careful you don't take it too far:

On the plus side, he won every staring contest. Consecutively.

Thanks to Renee B., Kristen S., Meredith B., Darice & Sean, Anony M., Chris, Pamela H., June S., & Jaycee for the lucky break.