Jen's Top Ten Sham-Wrecks
March 15, 2012 This week the world watched in silent horror as bakers everywhere struggled to remember what a three-leaf clover looks like.
This post bears witness to the tragic results.
;)
Money may not grow on trees, mom and dad, but I have it on good authority that butts do.
;)
"Oscar the Grouch learns to finger paint."
;)
This is actually a bird's eye view of a gigantic clover crowd-surfing.
If you're not seeing it, you're just not drunk enough. (Do something about that, won't you?)
And this is what happens when someone leaps into a bakery and cries, "Get me three alien bugs on a cookie cake, AND STEP ON IT!"
;)
I know, I know; it's like I was actually there. Like I was a little green squished fly on the wall.
;)
It's a tree. Or a keyhole. Or a tree-shaped keyhole.
Or a valid reason to drink another Guinness.
{HUZZAH!}
;)
At first I totally thought this was a Canadian maple leaf made by a color-blind decorator.
Then I thought, "Wait, they wouldn't hire a color-blind decorator, would they?"
Then I laughed and laughed and had another Guinness. Because I'm Irish, and that's allowed. Because Guinness isn't just for breakfast anymore, people. It's also for elevensies.
;)
[blinking]
Clearly I need more Guinness.
When Broccoli has an identity crisis:
;)
"So my therapist's all, 'Try journaling!', and I'm all, 'MY FLORETS CAN'T HOLD A PEN, @$$HOLE.'
"Then I went home and vegged in front of the TV all week."
;)
"Cool story, bro."
And finally, a personal favorite:
;)
I imagine this cake's design came about something like this:
"What do you mean, clovers aren't yellow?
"Ok, ok, FINE, I'll add a green outline on top.
"What do you mean, it still looks a little plain?
"Ok, ok, FINE, I'll pour a bag of chocolate chips on it."
And you know what? I'm actually having a hard time imagining a situation that couldn't be improved by pouring a bag of chocolate chips on something. Seriously. Try to name one. YOU CAN'T.
[pouring chocolate chips in Guinness]
And so, friends, in conclusion: I actually kind of hate Guinness. Please send piná coladas. Tinted green.
Thank you.
Also thanks to Juliet R., Katey W., Bethany P., Jodee R., Whitney C., Samantha G., Jess L., Lisa B., Bill A., & Jodee R. for sham-rockin' today's sham-wrecks.
Reader Comments (76)
Pippin: What about breakfast?
Aragorn: You've already had it.
Pippin: We've had one, yes. But what about second breakfast?
Merry: I don't think he knows about second breakfast, Pip.
Pippin: What about elevensies? Afternoon tea? Dinner? Supper? He knows about them, doesn't he?
Merry: I wouldn't count on it.
If these are the sham-wrecks, when do we get to see the real ones?
I know better than to read your post while eating! I almost choked I was laughing so hard by the time I o through. :) I think Oscar the Grouch finger painting" is the best thing ever!! Thank, Jen. You always brighten my day!
Oh I laughed and laughed until my husband told me to to laugh myself into labor. Ah! Needed that!
I don't want to ruin anyone's fifth or sixth pint of Guinness, but, I am starting to see the map of Ireland in some of these--especially the cake with florets! Side by side comparisons have proven me wrong, but I still think they look more like Ireland than a shamrock.
"And so, friends, in conclusion: I actually kind of hate Guinness. Please send piná coladas. Tinted green".
This comment is what is really making me laugh,
Slainte, Jen!
Here's all I saw:
1. broccoli
2. broccoli
3. broccoli
4. broccoli
5. broccoli
6. broccoli
7. broccoli
8. broccoli
9. broccoli
10. the radiation hazard symbol
Seriously, I think the next to the last one is kind of cute. lol He is looking like a wanna be four leaf clover with these deformities but hey he is going to hang in there with chin up and stair you right in the face. lol
Sham - WOW~
#1 “Gfappy St. Poctricks Day!” and someone doing a shadow puppet. Badly.
#2 A cat, tinted green, reaching for STRIIIIINNNNGGGGGs! I imagined it with a lot of joy to offset the horror of these cakes.
#3 A dragon fly on steroids with daisies in it’s wings? Or a squished frog.
#4 Monochromatic humming birds, tinted green (at least the bottom two- that top one’s a little dicey).
#5 A fist in the air, tinted green. (Now I just need to line up 9,999 more of these in a row.)
#6 I got nuthin’. (tinted green)
#7 Albino broccoli with shredded celery strands. Finally! A “bright side:” the frosted those cupcakes so neatly underneath- so smooth and tidy! (tilt your head to the left and it’s a puffer fish)
#8 There’s not enough head-tilting in the world to save this one from looking like a disappointing bowel movement. Tinted green.
#9 Audrey Two after lip reduction surgery.
#10 The sneaky and dreaded diner asp which curls up on sweets in cool places to bite unsuspecting customers. It’s bite makes you pee green and wreck shamrox.
@Muria: yes, I’ve frosted a cake with peanut butter. Not as tasty as you might think once you thin it slightly so it will spread. It's better just to heap a bunch on the plate beside the unfrosted cake.
I was rolling my eyes at the cakes, and silently laughing about the post, until I got to the white CCC with green silage decor, where I stopped and blinked...then I scrolled down and saw that the author of the post was blinking too, and I burst out laughing. Perhaps these wreckerators need to take a break from decorating, and head to the park to find a shamrock to use as a guide?
A good Tolkien reference gets a gold star in my book. Elevensies...love it! Gold star for you, Jen!
Oh boy and here I thought the little leprechauns just might not laugh themselves to death this year. Ah well lol. At least that last one had chocolate chips. I would probably attempt to eat it since it has chocolate that doesn't look too much like poo on it.
This post is in my top ten now.
I did not quite understand about that sixth - did you laugh and laugh and laugh because you thought it was supposed to be a clover leaf, or at your thought that a bakery would not hire a colour-blind decorator?
Well, the frog face one is at least attractive. It doesn't remotely look like a shamrock, but at least it's cute. and "my florets can't hold a pen"!!! Oh Jen, you are so amusing.
The thing with some of these sham-recks is they will get you coming and going(nudge, nudge, wink, wink, if you know what I mean.)
Name one situation that can't be improved by pouring a bag of chocolate chips on something.
First thought: Diabetes. sugar shock.
(This is what happens when I have a $hitty day at work. I get mean.)
Oh, and when your dog licks your food/drink/cutlery. There's not enough chocolate to fix that.
(There, I feel better. More sassy.)
I've always enjoyed this blog. I've suddenly discovered that it's freaking hilarious after a glass of wine. I love you guys.
I have bought both of your books and read this blog basically every day - totally made my day/week/month/year? that a wreck I submitted was used! You are so funny, and keep up the good/hard work :) Hope you find something suitable to drink this evening!
The first thing I thought when I saw the one you called Broccoli has an identity crisis was that Italy got apputated at the knee.
Your's was much better.
Thanks for the blog.
Oh, but I can! Volcano! Cause pouring chocholate chips in lava, that would just make me sad.
Really? elevinsies? I was watching that just yesterday!
I have never laughed harder at one of your posts. I love drinking at "elevensies." awesome. thank you!
This whole post had me rolling!!! I just found this website today and I don't remember the last time I have laughed this hard! You are hysterical!
You had me at "elevensies." :D Yay for LotR references!