This week the world watched in silent horror as bakers everywhere struggled to remember what a three-leaf clover looks like.
This post bears witness to the tragic results.
Money may not grow on trees, mom and dad, but I have it on good authority that butts do.
"Oscar the Grouch learns to finger paint."
This is actually a bird's eye view of a gigantic clover crowd-surfing.
If you're not seeing it, you're just not drunk enough. (Do something about that, won't you?)
And this is what happens when someone leaps into a bakery and cries, "Get me three alien bugs on a cookie cake, AND STEP ON IT!"
I know, I know; it's like I was actually there. Like I was a little green squished fly on the wall.
It's a tree. Or a keyhole. Or a tree-shaped keyhole.
Or a valid reason to drink another Guinness.
At first I totally thought this was a Canadian maple leaf made by a color-blind decorator.
Then I thought, "Wait, they wouldn't hire a color-blind decorator, would they?"
Then I laughed and laughed and had another Guinness. Because I'm Irish, and that's allowed. Because Guinness isn't just for breakfast anymore, people. It's also for elevensies.
Clearly I need more Guinness.
When Broccoli has an identity crisis:
"So my therapist's all, 'Try journaling!', and I'm all, 'MY FLORETS CAN'T HOLD A PEN, @$$HOLE.'
"Then I went home and vegged in front of the TV all week."
"Cool story, bro."
And finally, a personal favorite:
I imagine this cake's design came about something like this:
"What do you mean, clovers aren't yellow?
"Ok, ok, FINE, I'll add a green outline on top.
"What do you mean, it still looks a little plain?
"Ok, ok, FINE, I'll pour a bag of chocolate chips on it."
And you know what? I'm actually having a hard time imagining a situation that couldn't be improved by pouring a bag of chocolate chips on something. Seriously. Try to name one. YOU CAN'T.
[pouring chocolate chips in Guinness]
And so, friends, in conclusion: I actually kind of hate Guinness. Please send piná coladas. Tinted green.
Also thanks to Juliet R., Katey W., Bethany P., Jodee R., Whitney C., Samantha G., Jess L., Lisa B., Bill A., & Jodee R. for sham-rockin' today's sham-wrecks.