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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen
Friday
Jul132012

It's Friday, Friday, Friday ...THE THIRTEENTH

Since it's Friday the 13th today, John's requested I post something "creepy."

Now, in my experience with baked goods, you've got two basic categories of creepy: There's intentional creepy:

Mission: accomplished.

 

And there's the far more entertaining unintentional creepy:

"Who's got one and a half thumbs and is gonna eat your soul?!"

 

So, just to go over that again, intentional creepy:


made by CW reader Dana E. 

Don't look it in the eyes!


Aaaand unintentional creepy:

No, seriously. DON'T LOOK IT IN THE EYES!!

 

Of course, then there are the wild cards:

I don't know. So don't ask.

 

 Just imagine a slowed down, off-key music box playing. Now imagine the eyelids sloooowly opening...

(AAAIEEEE!!!)

Now imagine getting the pudgy little arm as your slice. [shudder] (Hey, does that qualify as someone giving you the finger, or just the cold shoulder? [rimshot!])

 

These aren't especially creepy OR wrecky; I just think edible knives are kind of brilliant:

 

Am I right?

Of course, the thought of a cupcake bleeding when you cut it IS kind of creepy, though...

 

And while I'm at it and feeling eclectic, here's a pretty stinkin' awesome homemade Chucky:

And by "awesome" I mean "terrifying." THOSE EYES. Gah.

 

 I feel like I should send you off to your day with something a little less hair-raising, though. So here's a cake self-portrait of me, seeing all of today's cakes for the first time: 

 

Trust me, the resemblance is uncanny.  

 

Thanks to Barbie, Kristen P.,  Dana E., Suzanne H., Ara A., Claire H., Amanda C., Alana M., & Jacki S., who want to know if I always have half-eaten cookies hanging out of my mouth. The answer is no; sometimes it's a half-eaten whoopie pie. 

 

PS - It wouldn't be a Friday the 13th without a screening of Hell's Bakery! Let's see if you can guess which voice(s) I did.

(The narrator is John, of course, and the rest of the voice work - plus all the editing! - is by Number1.)

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Reader Comments (81)

I was never one of those people with a fear of clowns.
Now I'm one of those people with a fear of clowns.

July 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSuBee

I was never one of those people with a fear of Disney Princesses.
Now, well, you know...

July 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSuBee

Your video is hellishly funny!!! Keep up the good work.

July 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterCathy G

I just love this place. So much horror. So much snark. Group hug!
(Seriously, was just reading the rest of yesterday's comments… Jen, John thoj, Number One, thanks for being awesome and inspiring so much awesomeness among the commenters!)

Now… I think the pink thing with the 27 limp sets of teeth is what happens when the Blob encounters a bubble gum factory followed by a prosthodontist's office. Let that be a lesson, kids!

As for the Little Orphan Annderella cake, it's kind of funny… even the wreckorator was speechless, as evidenced by the empty banner.

Finally, may I have a stabbed cupcake, please? I hope it's filled with raspberry jam or something else that's oozy (as opposed to uzi).

July 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterDB

A friend of mine was a budding cake decorator. A friend requested an Elmo cake for his son's birthday. She recalled that the son really liked a raspberry-jam filled cake she'd served a few months before, so decided to use that.

The Elmo cake was darling, perfectly piped and not creepy at all. The boy was delighted. Then they cut it. The raspberry jam started oozing out.

Elmo was bleeding.

The boy started screaming, essentially ending the party.

July 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKatie

Ermagerd! It's a berfday cerk fer Sheri!

July 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSusanna K.

Is Hell's Bakery attached to Hell's Kitchen? I swear I could hear echoes of "YOU BLEEPING DONKEY!!" in the background. Made me shiver...

July 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSaraCVT

Sung to “Misty”

Golly gee
That’s as creepy as a birthday cake can be
And I feel a bit like shrieking really loud
I can’t understand
What you did
To Shari’s left hand

Look away
Cuz your staring, evil eyes will haunt my day
Just exactly where’d your pupils have to go?
The sound that you hear
Is my gasping
Whenever you’re near

I can see
That you’re needing some floss
That just not what normal teeth do
Can’t you see I’m at a total loss
With a dissection to do

On my own
I’ll have to kill all these cupcakes alone
Watch those knives in Chucky’s right hand and his left
Good heaven’s above
They took cookies and gave them shove
**

Gotta run – there’s a noise in the attic and I can't find my stilettos

July 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSharyn

ummm, those knifed cupcakes kind of look like breasts to me. To the point where I was covering mine in fear.

July 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKati

Best. Video. Ever. You and John will be making this movie now, right? 'Cause I'll be first in line to buy a ticket.

July 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterErin

That video is a work of genius. Or geniuses.

July 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterDeborahJ

I just discovered your blog last week. Then it occurred to me that my four year old daughter has a birthday coming up. Since we are moving, I cannot make the cake this year. Thanks to your blog, I am now PETRIFIED of going to order a cake! What will Dora actually look like when I pick her up? On the up side, if it's horrible I can submit my very own cake wreck! (That isma plus side, right?) By the way, clowns are not a usual fear of mine, but that one just might haunt my dreams for quite some time!

July 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterTeresa

I caught clips from Christmas Vacation and Karate Kid. Awesome! <3

July 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMegan D

Did anyone else notice that the awesome Chucky cake also bears a strong resemblance to Chuckie from "Rugrats?"

July 13, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterjoaniebaloney83

OOO I think those knife cupcakes would be perfect for a Dexter Season Premiere viewing party! I wonder how you make candy knives... GOOGLE!

July 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMaria

That baby is made really, really, well. I can't decide if it's good or bad that all that time and effort went into something that'll be so sick once it's cut up.

July 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSydney

I am going to go cry and sit in the fetal position under my desk. That clown cupckae/cake ahs me completely undone.

I hate f-ing clowns.

July 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterDana

HAHA! I never watch horror films but I would totally watch this one!

July 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMe

LOVE the video, when are you making the movie? It was a trailer, right? RIGHT?!? Cuz I would totally pay to see "The Bakery from Hell".

July 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterFrancesca

The clown is the best CCC I have ever seen. Not that it's a wide field. But wow. That eye. Apart from the fact that I'm gonna have nightmares for about a month, major props to Dana E.

July 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJoan

How much do I love (and how much did I need to see and get a good laugh about) your movie trailer. Fantastic. On all counts.

July 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKari

I just want SaraCVT to know that her comment about Hell's Kitchen is going to have me snickering all day. Now I can totally hear that in my head as well. LOL

July 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterRoseAnn

Two words:
AWE
SOME !!

July 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMichelle P

I actually like the tooth cake and knife cupcakes (cringes) either would be perfect for a halloween party. The rest of them AAAUUUGGGHHH D:

July 13, 2012 | Unregistered Commentermindy1

There is something anatomically wrong with that baby. Its head and left arm are on backwards.

July 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterPatience

(To the tune of “The Candyman Can”)

Who can take a cake wreck
Look at it askew
And write something very clever in a song or two?

Sharyn can
Oh, Sharyn can
Sharyn can….
‘Cause she writes ‘em real funny
And makes us laugh all day…
(Makes us laugh all day)

Who can take a bak’ry bomb
Give it a playful eye
Add a dash of wit and make us laugh until we cry?

Sharyn can
Oh, Sharyn can
Sharyn can….
‘Cause she writes ‘em real funny
And makes us laugh all day…
(Makes us laugh all day)

Who can write a parody
Make us wreckies snort?
She can spoof any song no matter what the sort…

Sharyn can
Oh, Sharyn can
Sharyn can….
‘Cause she writes ‘em real funny
And makes us laugh all day…
(Makes us laugh all day)

Hats off to you, Sharyn
For brightening our day
We always look forward to your coming out to play!

Sharyn can
Oh, Sharyn can
Sharyn can….
‘Cause she writes ‘em real funny
And makes us laugh all day…
(Makes us laugh all day)


@ Sharyn: … the Anasazi post….what a memory…that was almost a year ago! Thank you.
@Jen, john (thoj) and number 1: Bravo! Bravo! This is absolutley the most clever, funniest horror movie trailer I have ever seen...I had to watch it several times to see it all because I kept falling on the floor laughing...you've captured the nuance and nuttiness of the genre perfectly.
@Jen and john (thoj): For those of us who love to laugh and love word play, this site is like finding the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow -- only better 'cause it enriches our lives far more than gold ever could. Kudo's to you with sincere appreciation for your hard work. Thank you for being here.

July 13, 2012 | Unregistered Commentermel

Uterus Dentata?

FROM HELL.

July 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMimiheart

Fabulous video! I nearly died....laughing!

July 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSandie

Is that 5th one supposed to be teeth, or a bunch of cuffs from the sleeves of pink knit sweaters? Either way, WHY???

July 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterTwinMom

It's my own fault. I mean, I should know by now, I really should. Make sure you're not eating anything while reading Cake Wrecks. It seems easy enough to remember. But now the teeth cake is gonna make me lose my lunch.....or at least dry heave a little.

Oy.

July 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAngie

Omg Mimiheart. Uterus dentata . . . . . . . Quote of the day.

July 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterLiz in Seattle

1) I don't know if it makes it more creepy or less creepy that the frosting is done in that tiny star-type tip and makes Chucky look like he's wearing fur - I'm gonna go with MORE creepy. Not bad.

2) This is how body image issues arise. I mean, how sad is it that poor Shari was probably freaked out by a picture of HERSELF?

3) Chongo-longo! A CCC that doesn't deserve a (patooie!)! Way to go Dana E. Creepy in just the right way.

4) Ding! Shifts OVER, suckahs!

5) So THAT'S what the Tooth Fairy has been doing with all those teeth! Freak!

6) That baby, while well done, is the creepiest cake today. It looks like he's lying on his back, but if you don't look directly at him, he seems to be lying on his stomach with his little booty in the air a bit and his head turned juuuuust slightly too far around to be natural. And his right arm on the wrong way round. Do you see it? It's like a Weeping Angel Baby! Don't blink!

7) I second what Maria said: Dexter cupcakes is exactly what I thought of and I don't even watch that show!

8) @joaniebaloney83: Yup. My kids used to watch that show ALL THE TIME. I rather enjoyed it, too. We still randomly tell each other, "You gots to be brave, Chucky!".

9) Hee. I thought that was supposed to be a picture of you "LYFO" (Laughing Your Face OFF) with half your mouth lying on the floor.

Cake Wrecks Team = Awesome! I looved the video and laughed from start to finish. At the end, after showing the title "Hell's Bakery" I was WAITING for it and you didn't disappoint! "From Hell" followed shortly thereafter! Hee! Now I have to go share it on FB!

July 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAndrea

Anyone else have the Pixies' "Debaser" stuck in her/his head now? "Got me a movie / I want you to know / Slicing up eyeballs / I want you to know!"

July 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterCarol

The video is brilliant, and well worth watching all the way to the very end from hell.

July 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterCommon Household Mom

@mel -- Wow! What a sweet, wonderful surprise. Thank you!

You're so right about Cake Wrecks -- we're all incredibly lucky to have found this great blog where we can hang out with our friends-we've-never-met, exchange giggles and gasps, and indulge in an inside joke or two. Thanks for sharing, Jen, John, Number 1 and minions. And you, too, mel. I treasure you all (in a non-stalking, never creepy, celery-less way... but there are carrots. How else would we get around?)

July 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSharyn

I hate clowns!

And I hope those Bleeding Cupcakes are Red Velvet.

July 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterToni W

Oh, I LOVE the Cookie Monster cake!! He looks like he got caught with his hand in the ... uh ... well, you know. I love the look on his face, though! Cookies? What cookies?

July 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterCaren

You know, the first Chuckie cake bears a striking resemblance to Sloth.

Now...I must watch "The Goonies"...and eat cake.

July 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSuzieQ

I'm going to hazard a guess that the pink toothy-looking one is some kind of marine invertebrate, perhaps a zoanthid.

http://www.thereeftank.com/wiki/index.php/Zoanthids

If so, it isn't a very good zoanthid. It needs more polyps.

July 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBB, Miami

That baby looks like it's ready for the viewing. Just put that sucker in a nice pink casket and add some delicate pink roses, and you're good to go.

@Patience -- I suspect that the whole disfigured thing is quite possibly the cause of death, but we won't talk about that when we're trying to comfort the parents. We'll mention how lovely she looks in her white gown, and how we know that sweet angels are sometimes called home all too soon.

'Cause that baby was too deformed to live.

July 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBeesMom

Sooo wishing videos would work on this thing. :(

July 13, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterdoodlebug

@Katie Oh, I busted out laughing!! That poor little boy, you killed Elmo!!! Therapy will be in his future that's for sure!

July 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSuzanne

Ok, I think the pink one is a poor example of a sea anemone- as for the Christening Baby cake, that is almost as horrifying to me as the dead baby one that you posted a while back. Now, I know that when you take Communion you are symbolically eating the body of Christ- so how did they manage to translate that into eating baptized baby? The 2 Chuckie cakes are scary btw. Nighmares tonight for sure!!

July 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterNicole S.

The pink multi-mouth cake reminds me of the main character's fate in the 1974 film short "Hunger" http://vimeo.com/38238456

July 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterCalum

I'm pretty sure that the unknown cake is supposed to be a sea anemone or a type of coral.

July 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterLiz S.

Happy biirthday, Shari! To celebrate, meet your nightmares for the next six months!

The teeth cake gives me the willies. Brr!

July 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMike

@Katie, wow!!!! That is the best story I've heard in a while :D

Jen, how the heck would one make cupcakes bleed? I agree it is kind of creepy but I want some lol especially if they bled stuff that taste like strawberry or raspberry =]

July 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterHeather Kiwi

Didn't think I'd find a clown as scary as pennywise until today.
The nightmares tonight should be fun

July 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAna

I really should know better than to visit here during work hours, even for a minute during a break. O_o

I'm thinking watching that video was a very, very bad idea since I'm running a race next week that involves running in the middle of the night out in the boonies. Must. Forget. Ahhhh . . .

July 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterDenise S.

I'm still trying to decide f that pink blob was teeth or lots of little knitted sleeve ends. Being sucked into the void. Which means, if there were little people (children) at the other end...???

I never have liked Chuckie, and have until now, managed to never see his ugly little mug. Thanks. Cue nightmares..

I do, however, like your running commentary!

July 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterDi

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