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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen
Wednesday
Aug012012

WHO'S CRAZY NOW?

Yesterday I mentioned on Twitter how much I love rainy days, because I never have to go outside. Then I might have said something about going 5 or 6 days without leaving the house, and hellooooo, Judgey McJudgersons!

Look, internet people, I don't need your pity. I HAVE CATS.

Besides, I DO leave the house on occasion. Sometimes even voluntarily. However, with Florida basically a giant steam sauna filled with mosquitoes right now, I prefer getting my sunshine through a window - and with the A/C at full blast, thankyouverymuch.

Some people think a lack of live social interaction can make you go a little funny in the head, but I say the opposite is true. In fact, every day I see perfectly socialized bakers churning out silent, frosting-soaked pleas for psychological intervention:

The sign says, "Turkey shaped cake." Tell me this isn't a cry for help.

 

And I'm not talking about special orders here, where you could understand, say, Darth Vader riding a My Little Pony. I'm talking the stuff they put out in the display cases, for all the world to see and quietly back away from, being careful to make no sudden movements.  

We call it, "Someone please just make the voices stop screaming."

[P.S. - Two words: "Blue boobs."]
[You're welcome.]

 

And now, edible ghost chickens, because, yeah, that's perfectly normal:

 "Bok Bok B'WoooOOOooo!"

 

The person who made this deals with people all day. 

Let's all take a moment to really let that sink in:

 

This, too:

 And these:

Let's just say I wouldn't invite this baker over to babysit.

(Why are there ghost flies around the edge? And two monsters hiding beside the crib? WHY?)

 

For all the days I've spent peacefully working at home, it's never once occurred to me to make edible toes out of gummi rabbits. 

...and that almost makes me sad; I bet this baker's head would be a fun place to visit.

 

I clearly remember my pre-blog days, of course, back when I had "normal," people-riddled work places. The worst was the return desk at a TJ Maxx. After a day of dealing with deranged customers who insisted the waffle iron that still had waffles in it was "never used," I'm pretty sure even these would've looked like a good idea:

The trick is to eat them before they start talking.


So remember, extroverts, before you judge us hermits hiding behind the blinds and dressing our cats as Stargate characters, sometimes getting out of the house isn't always the answer.

Sometimes people just do better on their own. 

And sometimes the mutant Strawberry Ladybug thing just needs to die.

[twitch]

 


Hey Jill E., Niomi W., Anony M., Brocha S., Kelly W., Susan K., Carolyn T., Bethany, & Dani S, party at my place? Doctor Meow-Kay and Tail-La would love to meet you!

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Reader Comments (100)

You aren't crazy! I think it's pretty normal to not leave the house for 5-6 days. Home is where you live, not where you go when you have nothing else to do. Now me, I haven't gone anywhere since last Thanksgiving. (I went to my son's house to cook dinner.) If you find yourself not leaving the house for months, you may need help.

August 1, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBetty Martin

Are those hearts I see in that last cake's eyes? If I'm right we need to kill that thing. With fire.

August 1, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAlex K.

NOTHING wrong with being an introvert! Introverts are a higher form of life, you know... I use this article all the time with my college students!

August 1, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterteflonn

I think the "monsters" beside the crib are supposed to be bunny slippers--vicious, toe-eating bunny slippers.
In other news, I think anyone who has worked retail or dealt with great masses of the public deserves to have a lot of time in solitary--I mean, solitude to regain equilibrium. With any luck, cake will be served with that--but not these cakes.

August 1, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterdrgns4vr

Before I say that I like the edible ghost chickens, I’d like to point out the sign on the first cake is a typo. It should say:
FILLING SHAPED CAKE
(Without any turkey.)

I like the edible ghost chickens.

I think the "foot" is supposed to be an Easter Whoopie Pie Cornucopia overflowing with the joy of the Easter season. And it looks like there are a bunch of them, so it's even more joyful.

Jen, I totally agree with you. You don't see stay at home humans wreaking havoc and causing social upheaval. There's absolutely no reason to leave the house while the AC is still working.

August 1, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSuBee

The one with the glasses (?) looks like someone had too much mexican the nite before...or what I see in my baby's diaper. Disgusting!!!!!!

August 1, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSarah

Bwhahahaha! I love the mutant strawberry ladybug thing. It both terrifies and fascinates me.
Like you, I enjoy staying inside some days…with my cat. And I’m perfectly comfortable with that!
*Rocking back and forth and muttering* I’m not a crazy cat lady-I’m not a crazy cat lady-I’m not a crazy cat lady...

-Andrea

August 1, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAndrea

I'm with you Jen!! Where I live, has been unusually "warm" this summer (even the nights aren't cool). I only have a small window A/C and I'm allergic to insect bites. I don't care for the heat at the best of times. I have a saying, In the winter, if you are cold you can always add more clothes, get a blanket, or turn the heat up. In the summer, you can only take off so many clothes before it just ain't decent!!!

C1 Nice cake-shame about the top.
C2 Where are we again?
C3 Those eyes!
C4 &C5 Nightmare material!
C6 Clould have just had "welcome baby" in the "blocks". Beware the sitter who brings his/her own disciplinary measures!
C7 Why a chocolate foil covered ball for the big toe? Why not another gummie?
Picture 8 WTFern?!!
C9 Right with ya there...twitching!

See you IN the bunker!!

August 1, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterEla

(Whispering) Jen, the blog is coming from INSIDE the house!!

Sung to “Lazy, Hazy, Crazy Day of Summer”

Roll out those lazy, hazy, crazy cakes of summer
Those cakes with clowns, horses, bridges and deer
I’m sure if we look closely we might find the turkey
It’s just that he’s somewhere hiding in fear

Just fill your carts with azure peanuts flashing boobies
It’s not time to eat the chicken ghosts quite yet
That blue-eyed cake might leave you feeling sort of loony
Like gremlins, NEVER GET YELLOW CAKES WET!!!!

No doubt the lazy, crazy monster cakes of summer
Will eat the baby if you bring him near
The bunnies were a substitution on the foot cake
The piggies went to the market, I hear

Look out for staring, big-lipped intestinal polyps
I hear ingesting them makes you feel queer
Watch out for mutant grinning berry-buggy crossbreeds
They’ll eat your brains out if you let them near

Roll out the lazy, hazy, crazy cakes of summer…

August 1, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSharyn

i love you, cake wrecks!!
love you. love you. love you.

you just get me... right in the funny bone!

August 1, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterjen

P.S. My cat goes outside more times in the day than I do!!

August 1, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterEla

Best. Post. Ever.

August 1, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterFluffy Cow

The baby one...I just...

I don't know what to say except...what the...???

The others are odd but that one is so specifically odd - I have no idea what the things beside the chair are even supposed to be...or the things going around the outside. I'm just...yeah, I don't know.

August 1, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMissy

As a writer, I've been known to stay in my house for weeks -- yes, weeks -- at a time. Come to think about it, it's been a week today since I last stepped foot outside (partially because it's a million degrees out there). My hubs occasionally drags me out, insisting that "there are no more ideas left inside these walls." Which perhaps explains why I am so amused by the singing and dancing blue blob things. I think I want them on a cake of my own.

August 1, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterGina

Those last cup cakes are clearly Mrs. Jabbas. How could you have missed that?

August 1, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterDeb

"It's just that he's somewhere hiding in fear..." Team Jen and Sharyn, you totally make my day. Jen, don't ever change.

August 1, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterLindaS

Do turkeys have teeth... why would a turkey need fillings? Well at least this turkey shaped cake? is a healthy turkey.

The one-eyed forked tongue scary snotty cupcake frogs are down right hilarious!

thanks for making me bust out in giggles ; )

August 1, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterDIana

That's a crib??! I thought it was a potty chair!

August 1, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMelissa

That first cake is epic. Needs its own post, quite frankly.

I really like the ghost chickens. I don't know what it is; maybe I've lost it (I too, after all, am out amongst all the crazies every day . . . ).

August 1, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterHeath

I would love to see pictures of your cats dressed as Stargate characters. I'll wait right here at my desk.

August 1, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSheri

Cake no.6, an early work by Donnie Darko?

August 1, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterCaroline B

LOL! I think the two monsters hanging out next to the crib are actually supposed to be lambs (or sheep). They look like Timmy from 'Shaun the Sheep' without the binky.

Those flies around the sides are creeping me the hell out, though.

August 1, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterShannon

Cool Beans! Jen, it's nice to know I'm not the only one who dresses my cats as "Stargate" characters. Only in my case it's "Firefly" characters. But, you know, it's all good... aheh. The voices told me so.

August 1, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBADKarma

Sharyn bwahahaha. Regarding those cakes all I can say is INSANE IN THE MEBRANE, INSANE IN THE BRAIN! D:

August 1, 2012 | Unregistered Commentermindy1

Those happy blue aliens fascinate me. I think I would have to buy that cake. It fits my family perfectly--and since the tag says "Chocolate Cake"...hey, win-win! (We actually have a bumper sticker on our car that says "Our Family Is A Freak Show Without The Tent")

And since we conveniently have a cat named Samantha, Dr. Samantha Carter and Tail'c would be pleased to join the party.

August 1, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSaraCVT

In regards to the first image's caption:

The use of Comic Sans is, in itself, a cry for help.

August 1, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterChris S.

Crazy? OBVIOUSLY they don't live in Florida during the summer...ugh. You'd have to be crazy to GO OUTSIDE! Seriously, with the humidity and whatnot, I feel like a steamed lobster even BEFORE I reach the 450 degree F preheated car. Air conditioning fans, unite! (pun intended :D) and as for the cakes...thanks for a great laugh... *swallows back vomit*

August 1, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterStoich91

"the piggies went to market, I hear" Best. Line. Ever. :D

August 1, 2012 | Unregistered Commenteranony mouse

Those little blues things all in a row really remind me of those "family" stickers people are putting on the back windows of their vehicles. That is Dad on the far left, Mom to his right (the blue booby one), little brother doing his monkey impression is next up, followed by flailing little sister.

August 1, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKaitlyn

Have to agree with Shannon. The monsters are definitely not monsters but sheep. Why there would be crouching sheep on a baby cake, however, I do not know.

And the hens are really cute. They don't even look like ghost. Maybe you ARE going crazy, after all??

August 1, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKaren

and dressing our cats as Stargate characters,

Why are there no pictures of this??

August 1, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterGR

WHAT. ARE. THOSE. BLUE. PEANUT. PEOPLE. THINGS???

August 1, 2012 | Unregistered Commenteranonymous

Cakes-- scary!
Cats in Stargate (or Firefly (or Doctor Who))costumes--fantastic!

August 1, 2012 | Unregistered Commentergmarie

Personally, not leaving the house for 5-6 days sounds like my version of heaven. :-D

August 1, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJanabelle

I'd say the first baker is a turkey, in the slang sense.

August 1, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterClassic Steve

1) I am completely blown away on this one. No, really. Clowns, forrest animals, wild horses, what appears to be a giant, spikey, white caterpillar, bridges to nowhere, cars and more clowns! But we are not done there, no. THEN we have the display label. Must have been a Happy Birthday, indeed. Or a really, really terrifying one.

2) The third one from the left is Casper. I know because he's smiling all friendly-like.

3) I feel like there's a "Chicken with it's head cut off" joke in there, but I am too mesmerized by their little chicken eyes to find it.....

4) Took Happy Pill

5) Forgot to take Happy Pill

6) Maybe I've been temporarily blinded by the frosting, but WHERE'S THE BABY?! Oh well, it was probably a creepy, dead-eyed baby anyway. Let the slipper monsters have him.

7) My first thought: "Why is the big toe different from the rest?" My second thought: "The big toe is actually smaller than the other toes!" My third thought: "Wait. Why am I worried about the toes? Why would someone make chocolate-covered-cream-puff-feet in the first place?"

8) Yay! Geeky cupcakes! Clearly, those are Jaba the Hut cupcakes, yes? Unappetizing Jaba the Hut cupcakes that mistakenly have legs.

9) The mutant strawberry lady bug thing is so deadly it has killed the grass upon which it sits. Don't let it touch you! Or look at you! Don't even think about it because the mental image of it will attack you in your sleep!

August 1, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAndrea

I live in a town of people who resemble a bizarre collection of "cake" wrecks, so I come to your blog to regain/retain (?) my sense of humor. I no longer go outside.

Twitch, twitch.

August 1, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterNorine

Famous Folks Review the Wrecks…

“It was the best of cakes…nah…it was the worst of cakes….” Charles Dickens

“Out, out, damned cakes….” Lady Macbeth

“The horror! The horror!” Joseph Conrad

“To eat...or not to eat… Not to eat!” Hamlet

“Please sir, I want no more…” Oliver Twist

“God help us, everyone….” Tiny Tim

August 1, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSir Laffsalot

Introverts unite! We are not freaks, we are not crazy, and we don't need fixing! Social activity will not always solve things! We are fine the way we are, and we are happier that way.

August 1, 2012 | Unregistered Commenternightliz

As much as I like Stargate, How about Star Wars costumed cats??? Meowba Fett, Darth Purrer, Paws Solo, Princess Kitty, Luke Mousecatcher..

Oh, and BTW, what the HECK are those blue peanut alien things supposed to be anyway??? And, yes, thanks Jen. I didn't see the blue boobs until you pointed them out. :-)

August 1, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBecky

When, oh when will I learn to read CW on my first break instead of during lunch?!?! Usually I want to gag, but this time I about had my ham sandwich all over my monitor from the laughter! Between the cakes and the commentary, my coworkers are probably wondering why I was going into conniptions! Love it! Brilliant as usual, Jen. And now I TOTALLY want to see pictures of your cats dressed as Stargate characters! :D

August 1, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterLaura P.

I was going to mention the use of Comic Sans but Chris S beat me to it. Also, I think it would be hilarious to give cake #4 to someone for their birthday. They would have to be someone who you're pretty close to, though, or they might miss the humor and think that you're just as crazy as the baker.

August 1, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSydney

@Sharyn, it doesn't say anything that I read the first line of the second stanza as, "Just fill your cats with azure peanuts flashing boobies..." Right?

#1 Manager: "This cake is a turkey." Sign-making person rephrases so as not to offend, and the rest is history. Of course, a turkey without any fillings is always nice to see, though I wasn't aware that turkeys have teeth.

#2 "Have the cakes stopped screaming yet, Clarice?"

#3 I'd use the word, 'edible' rather advisedly, since these are covered with fondant.

#4 Fourth viewing, I still don't know what to do with it. Besides eating, of course. Hey, it's cake -- how bad can it be?

#5 Was Carl the first astronomer to discover connected sunspots that make recognizable shapes, or just the first to let the truth be known in cake. Or does he just need to quit his other job at the bakery.

#6 Awww. Little baby monsters. They grow up with the child, I suppose. When s/he goes to a bed, they move in underneath. Later, as they get bigger, they move to the closet. Ain't it cute.

#7 This baker's head is where the monsters go on vacation.

#8 Therapist, to wreckorator: "The bell jars are a nice touch. You keep saying, 'it seemed like a good idea at the time.' I have to know: What Was That Idea?!?! Sorry. I get a little intense, sometimes. This isn't the easiest job, you know. I agree."

#9 Uh huh. I see. Well, frankly, not going outside where THEY are makes perfect sense. Though I would be fascinated to learn how dealing with this comment board is an improvement over a customer service desk. Break time, John. That's it, nice and slow...

August 1, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterCraig

The strawberry ladybug looks like it has a penis nose that is drooping *into* its mouth. I don't even want to know what kind of psychological problems the baker may have been dealing with.

August 1, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAdorablyDead

Jen, you are the best. I'm a librarian, and should so NOT have been looking at this at work... you always make me laugh. Thank you!

August 1, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSteph

I laughed so hard, I cried.

August 1, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer

But... but... Jen, you HAVE to go outside! How can you appreciate the beauty, the glorious bug-and-people-free perfection that is inside if you never go out??


In other news, that second cake really needs a "Happy Roswell Day!" caption.

August 1, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMoe

@SuBee, maybe they meant to say "turkey FILLED cake (without much shaping)". And, on cake #6, did anyone notice the crib is empty? Those creepy Sheepy "slippers"look mighty guilty.

August 1, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterLaxmom

You are not odd for staying in the house. You are just a house cat. We see the beauty outside, appreciate it and go right back to reading our books or watching our movies.

August 1, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterHeloise

Doctor Meow-Kay and Tail-La - I think I love you even more!!! :) :) :)

August 1, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterLeesa

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