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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen
Wednesday
Jan162013

Heeeey Sexah LAY-DAY

Don't worry, this isn't going to be another Gangnam Style parody. Promise. It's just that every time I see one of those "baby bump" limbless torso cakes trying so desperately to be sexy, that's all I hear in my head:

 

"HEEEEEY SEXAH LAY-DAY!"

 

Plus now I can't stop picturing Psy screaming at all the fondant boobies:

I feel ya, man.

But enough about me. Let's talk about why so many women enjoy displaying edible effigies of their nearly naked torsos for a bunch of other women while celebrating the imminent expulsion of a human being from their bodies.

(When you put it like that, it's kind of messed up, right?)

And while I'll never think pregnant torso cakes are a good idea, at least the ones wearing clothing are a little LESS tacky. The "sexy" ones just make me wonder: who gets all hot and bothered looking at a dismembered pregnant torso?

Before you get too turned on, you should know that the fetus with the unnaturally long spaghetti leg is watching you. Aaaalwaaaays waaaaatching.

That one's not really showing enough skin, though, is it? And don't you think it needs a nice heavy spray tan, too?

   

Muuuuch better. We'll all be revisiting breakfast in NO time.

 (If you look at that just right, you'll see a jowly guy in an aviator cap whistling Dixie around a mouth full of feet. Just sayin'.)

 

Hey ladies, you know how sometimes we get that little bead of sweat betwixt our womanly bazooms? And you know how the sight of it on other women make you, like, totally hungry?

Mmmm. Sweaty bazoom valley.

(Also, if that lady is pregnant, then I must be expecting twins.)

 

If I still haven't convinced you that "sexy" torso cakes are a bad idea, though, then let me leave you with this little window into the future:

 Peek-a-boo!  SEE YOU REAL SOON.

 

Thanks to Cyndi P., Matt R., Anony M., Kate C., Jason S., & Vicki K. for the sexy, sexy nightmare fuel. 

« Oooooh...SO CLOSE | Main | Keep It Simple, Stupid »

Reader Comments (76)

@Sharyn - You made me tap my toes! Awesome job!

These cakes? Not so much. Apparently, inappropriateness will never go out of style.

January 16, 2013 | Unregistered Commenterlisadh

And people wonder why I'm serving a simple Angel Food cake at my shower! (It's mostly a bunch of my church lady friends, and the theme is angels. So, the angel food cake just seemed to fit. Nothing fancy. I'm simple like that. OK, and maybe some strawberries and whipped cream. Just for fun.)

January 16, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterAshley P

Once again I'm so very glad that nobody thought of these things when I was having babies. Although my oldest is getting to the age where I could be a grandma o.O NO WAY will we be having one of these... EVER! The only saving grace on these is that nobody has to lick love tunnel frosting! <~~~(Look what I learned from @Barbara Anne!)

@Sharyn ~ Awesome! How's the voice?

@Haiku Joy ~ For some reason I pictured bakers all dressed in scrubs. o.O

January 16, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterJodee in WA

These cakes never cease to amaze -- and horrify! -- me. Who ORDERS these things? Who EATS them?!?

The last cake looks like we are now going to give birth by the exploding volcano/alien method. Pass the baking soda and vinegar! But keep the labor staff handy, because we still might need people to pull people from people, in case the volcano/alien doesn't explode properly.

@Sharyn: Genius again! And today I'm wearing my socks that say "I'm too sexy for my SOCKS." Perfect!

January 16, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterTLC

While I appreciate that some decorators with a modicum of talent (several of these are, technically speaking, well done) want to do 3D cakes, perhaps they should stick to doing cute tiny onesies, t-shirts, socks and bottles? No more amputated babies (the diapered butt is the most appealing part of a baby?!) or pregnant torsos, please. Unless it's Psy coming out of the belly!

@Alexa: good point about the silicon boob size (#3). I think that's a fringed vest (#4); I trust wearing that without a top makes getting pregnant easier? And the last one (#6)... ruffled bloomers aren't sexy. Unless it's lingerie in 1902 or swimwear (with that bra) in 1940.

January 16, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterAliza

I am pregnant. I don't want anyone eating a rendition of me. BUT I will say that unfortunately the perky nipple thing is way too accurate. It takes a serious bra plus two layers of shirts to cover them up.

The boobs, not as perky.

Way too much info, but whatever...

This trend is definitely a stop the insanity, this is why terrorists hate us thing though!

January 16, 2013 | Unregistered Commentersmart aleck

Much better than the armpit hair that I'm seeing.

January 16, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterSarah

PLEASE STOP posting these pregnant cakes!!! We get it!!

January 16, 2013 | Unregistered Commentermike hart

Am I the only one who heard the title to this post in Jerry Lewis' voice? Yes? Very well, never mind, please carry on...

January 16, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterTammy

@Jodee in WA -- I sound like a chain-smoking drag queen. (Before anybody gets upset, I'm not saying that's a *bad* thing. I'm merely using it in a descriptive way... The sexy cold voice has devolved into something that scares small children.) If I tried to sing one of my songs right now, cats in heat would ask me to PLEASE stop making that awful noise. Still, it's getting better. How 'bout you? Still ready for quarantine?

January 16, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterSharyn

I have a baby shower to go to in 2 weeks. I'm hoping I don't see one of these cakes. Otherwise I won't eat any. On the other hand, I can take a picture and send it to you.

January 16, 2013 | Unregistered Commenterev

Am I the only one completely weirded out by the lopsided undies on cake #1? That front half-wedgie is giving me the creeps!

January 16, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterLaura

I think I may know the mother to be for cake #5. Great cake... lol. Did not expect it to be on here!

January 16, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterAmber

For those who are wondering if Jen isn't telling you something: You've misinterpreted her comment. She meant that the belly on the cake does not look very pregnant. So if that belly is pregnant, then mine (though not pregnant) is big enough to be carrying twins. It was a self depreciating comment meant to be funny that was obviously misinterpreted by more than one person.
Oh and here's an article about Jen and children, which might clear things up: http://thenotmom.com/blogger-profile-jen-yates-cakewrecks

January 16, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterRobyn

I'm a little proud that I didn't get the Gangnam Style references. I've still never watched the video or heard the whole song.

January 16, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterShauna

Oh holy cow. Just when you think it's safe to go into a bakery these appear again lol. Not only will I be avoiding any and all pregnant ladies I think I will avoid eating spaghetti any time soon too. Arghh.

January 17, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterArlene

I had no idea the Incredible Hulk had a pregnant girlfriend...

January 17, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterAlice Shortcake

Nice Monsters Inc reference there too!

January 17, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterCarlz

@Jen, her royal high snarkiness, this is how rumors get started- but, traditionally, it's someone else who makes the comment...

@Sharyn that was perfection!

@jackwire, I regret to inform you that I love you in a very nearly stalky manner. Sorry.

lol @Jodee you made my day! :) (how's the foot? -yours, not any of these)

January 17, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterBarbara Anne

Turd outie.
Fondant nipples.
Miss January.
Giant baby. also, motorcycle mama.
Mountain river.
Skin disease. also, flamenco dancer. also, gag wretch.

January 18, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterSandy

I saw Mickey Mouse somewhere in there...

January 18, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterSlivi

@Barbara Anne ~ My foot's all better now. Thanks for asking! How's your elbow?

January 18, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterJodee in WA

@jackwire, Barbara Anne's actually not sorry at all. Not one little bit.

January 19, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterHaiku Joy

@jackwire: if it makes you feel any better, I'm pretty sure you have more than just one unrepentant stalkery-feeling person on this site. No, not feeling better? Huh. Some people are just impossible to please.

January 21, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterAndrea

Can't stop laughing at the one with a gaping hole in the guts, what were they thinking, it's hilariously gross !!! I make cakes, how could a decorator deliver something like this !!!!

January 25, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterChris

I was reading this post when my younger brother walked up behind me. I changed tabs immediately, but not before he saw cake #3. "Oh", he exclaimed, "that cake would be PERFECT for Jo-jo!" (our 2 year old little brother) What do you mean, I asked him, worried what his answer would be. "It's Mickey Mouse, and JoJo loves Mickey Mouse!", he said. I'm not sure what to think about this.

May 21, 2013 | Unregistered Commentersister

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