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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen
Monday
Jan212013

You Don't Know Jack

Once Upon A Time...

...there was a boy named Jack:

 ...who used a lot of sunblock.

 

Jack lived with his mother in "The Hovel by the Phallic Fountain."

The hovel needed a new roof, but Jack and his mother had no money.

 

So they decided to sell their only cow, Boxy.

(Look, I don't know what it is, either, but this story is going to move along a lot better if we can all just agree it's a cow, OK? Moo.)

 

On the way to the market, though, Jack met:

...the Way Stuffed Cellulite Man.

 

Mr. Way Stuffed convinced Jack to trade him the "cow" for a tray of tragic spleens.

(Sure, they look happy now, but that's only because they don't recognize my masterful use of foreshadowing.)

 

Jack's mother was livid when he can home with the spleens, and made Jack give them a proper burial.

(See? Tragic.)

After a miserable night with no supper, Jack woke up to see a flowing vine where he'd buried the spleens:

Flows like a river.

 

The Tragic Spleenstalk reached all the way to the clouds. As Jack stood gaping, suddenly the Faceless Fairy appeared!

"Jack, climb the spleenstalk to find a magic chicken who lays golden eggs!" she projected telepathically.

(She doesn't have a mouth. Try to keep up.)

"But beware the ogre who guards the chicken!"

 

So Jack climbed the spleenstalk, and there was the chicken:

In a festive knit straitjacket.

 

Jack had just grabbed the bird when he heard a roar!

It was the ogre, Oh'Duh!

"Take the bird not you will!" Oh'Duh screeched.

 

Jack quickly fled down the spleenstalk, where his mother was waiting with a dump truck and a huge load:

...of dirt.

Before the ogre could follow, they knocked over the spleenstalk and buried it, trapping Oh'Duh in his cloud city.

With the money they made from the golden eggs, Jack and his mother were able to build a brand new home by the Phallic Fountain, complete with matching turrets.

(Those two really know how to use their heads.)

 

And they all lived happily ever after.

Well, OK, maybe not ALL of them.

 

Thanks to Amy, Giopi, Sarah J., Graham K., Sara E., moxie, Jenni Q., Shannon C., Becky C., Flowe L., Dani S., and Daniel C. for the fairy fail ending.

« A Team Effort | Main | Sunday Sweets: Tasty Tentacles! »

Reader Comments (120)

*Slow claps* That was excellent.

January 21, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterMelody

I think that third one is supposed to be one the animals from The Littlest Pet Shop. Probably one of the monkeys.

January 21, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterJulia

O M G -- what an absolutely hilarious way to start a Monday.

It's minus 9 actual temp in Minneapolis and with the wind chill factored in, it is minus 30, so reading this had me laughing out loud.

Thanks for all the great work.

January 21, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterDebbaSue

I suspect that animal is supposed to be a koala. Oddly enough, that is how they stand on the ground.

January 21, 2013 | Unregistered Commenteremme

XD You had me launch my breakfast right out of my mouth with "Take the bird NOT you will!"
Still laughing my butt off.

January 21, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterChibi Monica

Uh, Jen...Cows don't have toes.... Just sayin'.

January 21, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterEvenSong

1. Moo.

2. Those are some very interesting..umm...legs on that stuffed chicken (turkey?). They fit in nicely with the fountains and turrets...

January 21, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterTrekkie Gal

Jack's hair looks like Satan's Cage from Supernatural. X)

January 21, 2013 | Unregistered Commenterstrangeseraph

I'm pretty sure the third one is a Littlest Pet Shop monkey. I think.

January 21, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterAbi

And the moral of the story is.....?

January 21, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterVanessa

Bwahahahhaa XDXDXD

January 21, 2013 | Unregistered Commentermindy1

It's FrankenYoda!


(and the 'cow' is really a monkey. Pretty bad monkey if it ended up looking like a cow)

January 21, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterDonna M

Thank you for that. I needed a good laugh this morning.

January 21, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterMaggie

well done, what a fantastic story!

January 21, 2013 | Unregistered Commenterk

DEFINITELY a Littlest Pet Shop Monkey! The body is kind of wonky...but the face is right on (in a wrecky kind of way). The reason I know this? My kids have about a hundred of these toys. haha

http://www.buylittlestpetshop.com/blog/category/littlest-pet-shop-toys/littlest-pet-shop-monkey/

Thanks for the chuckle!

January 21, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterLisa

Saw this and thought you would appreciate it!

http://listverse.com/2009/03/27/10-incredibly-bizarre-and-awful-cakes/

January 21, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterBrenda

Wow. I've never seen a roof with flaps. Is that so you can take off during a storm and outrun the tornado?

And who is their decorator that made the turrets match the phallic fountain,then carried the theme into the phallic chicken legs? Such coordination! And the seashell accessories just add that final touch to the new castle, because we all have gigantic seashells to strew about our balconies.

It never ceases to amaze me, Jen, how you can take the most random images and string them together in a way that keeps me laughing all day. Moo to you too!

@Debba Sue: It's a balmy 5 degrees in Omaha. Head south and meet me for coffee to warm up!

January 21, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterTLC

Jeezy Chreezy I thought that was meant to be Shrek.

Now a Jedi never will I be.

January 21, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterJoan

Great story - JAZZ HANDS! ;-)

@ emme - uhhh, last I checked, koalas were varying shades of *grey*, not brown. In fact, if you had 50 of them, you'd have 50 shades of gray! <rimshot> Hey, is this mic on? Does the Internet still work?

@DebbaSue - come down to my neck of the woods - been startin' the day @ 34 or so, but gets up to 70 by the afternoon (if it's not raining). Still powerful cold for us Houstonians... ;-)

January 21, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterKarateLady

Ta DA!! Thats a traditional British Pantomime!
just remember thats were the hero is a girl dressed as a boy, the Mother is a man dressed as woman and the cow is two people in a costume!
Just add the audience shouting ",Hes behind you" and" Oh No He Diddnt!" at the pertinent moments and there a great British Christmas Panto.
Priscilla Presley was in one this year.

January 21, 2013 | Unregistered Commenterdiddleymaz

Jen, you totally surpassed your already high phenomenality score with this one. Tragic Spleenstalk! I'm going to spend all day relishing that little gem of absurdity (and furthering my reputation as a crazy woman by bursting into seeming unprovoked laughter!) Thank you so much!

January 21, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterShelbyG

Aaand the chicken has hot dog buns for lips! Since when does a chick need evil eyebrows, either?!

Story Epilogue - Jack & his mom didn't know not to cook the chicken that lays the golden eggs. It made for a delicious dinner, but once the last egg in their stash was sold & the money spent, that was that. They had to sell their beautiful new sandcastle home with phallic fountain & matching turrets and move into an earthen hut down the road, spending the rest of their poor existence looking at their former majestic residence, forever reminded of their lost fortune in gold... TTHHEEE EENNDD...

January 21, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterKarateLady

That was a masterful retelling, with illustrations in living color. I did miss the "Fee, Fie, Fo, Fum!" part, but it may have been covered by the wild snickering while reading this masterpiece out loud.

January 21, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterDrgns4vr

Love the story, but I find it sad that a lot of those wrecks were on their way to being nice-looking cakes until that wrong turn at Albequerque.

January 21, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterAndrea H.

The pictures alone brought a tear to my eye.

January 21, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterOldish Lady

I think you may have just topped "The Story of Amber". What a riot. And to all those who question whether that was a cow, if it says "Moo," it's a cow. Thanks for another excellent post.

January 21, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterMary

I kinda like the Stay Puft marshmallow man (let he/she who is without cellulite cast the first stone).

Also, Franken Yoda & the Tragic Spleen would make an awesome band name!

January 21, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterRockLobster

I think its a monkey! Lol

January 21, 2013 | Unregistered Commenterdashiki

My young daughter just confirmed without hesitation - the cow IS the Littlest Pet Shop monkey.

January 21, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterSusanB

Awesome story Jen. I will tell it to my kids as I tuck them in tonight.

Now, I don't know of a polite way to point out a mistake so here goes: I think you meant dump TRUCK. I could be wrong (it has happened before). Honestly I'm just proud that it hasn't yet been mentioned by your loyal commenters.

@ visiting - all FIXED. Thanks and you rock! Julianne aka the wrecky minion

January 21, 2013 | Unregistered Commentervisiting

Awesome.

January 21, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterAmy

"Tragic spleens"--ha ha hahahahahahahaha. Laughed until my spleen hurt.

January 21, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterFM

I do believe "Boxy" is supposed to be a Monkey, but hey, whatever fits with Jack the Albino and the Spleenstalk, right?

I was almost out of my chair laughing so hard with the story and its illustrations. Let me just say that the following parts made my day:

1. The Phallic Fountain
2. Chicken Lips in the Knitted Straightjacket
3. Oh'Duh (Take the bird you will not!)
4. The Phallic Turrets on the new castle
5. The stuffing from the Chicken

January 21, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterMelissa

Jen, you are a genius.

January 21, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterJenny

Festive knit straightjacket... It's going to be a good day :)

And at first glance, I thought they were going for Shrek (for the ogre). I've never considered it before, but... Green, bald head, misshapen ears... Interesting.

January 21, 2013 | Unregistered Commentermichelej

OMG, I love you guys!! Your commentary is PRICELESS! Gotta love spleen humor! LOL!

January 21, 2013 | Unregistered Commenterkmac

Probably your funniest post ever, which is saying something. Thank you.

January 21, 2013 | Unregistered Commentermolly UK

A-moo-zing!! Thank you for that. I laughed my spleen off.

January 21, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterLori

LOVE LOVE LOVE the "festive knit straightjacket!"

Thanks for a great laugh on a really cold morning, Jen!

January 21, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterJill

Thank you for making me laugh on a horrible day. I love the magic spleens. And Mary is right, you have topped the Story of Amber.

January 21, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterKeeley

I can officially quit the internet now. Not much else could be funnier than this story.

January 21, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterMs CarrieWhopper

While this is a heart-warming tale, and will surely go down in the annals of children’s literature, I fear that there is one slight mis-cake. The third cake, Boxy the Cow, is really the inspiration for a famous Egyptian landmark. Eons ago, the ruler of Egypt, King Sta-Chu, was pondering what he could build to stand as a lasting testament to his reign. He was awaiting dinner (“Just make a mess o’ potamia,” he had instructed his cook) and petting his tigress when the postman appeared with a large package for him. “This is COD,” he said. “And you freight ees three bushels of wheat.” The monarch paid him, and tipped him two more, since he was a well-bred man, from the upper crust.
Inside the box was a small statute of a cow, similar to Boxy, made of cow dung.
Because the king opened the box in his canvass abode, the odor was in tents. “Phew!” he said. Wondering what was going on, his wife appeared. “You reeka!” she exclaimed. “This really sphinx!” Suddenly the spirit of the yet unborn Thomas Edison appeared in the sovereign’s head in the form of a light bulb. “I’ve got an idea!” he shouted. And the rest is history….

January 21, 2013 | Unregistered Commentermel (bad pun Monday....)

My! Aren't WE in a mood today :)

January 21, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterShannon

I'm *trying* to keep up... did Jack and his mom get married??? To each other???

January 21, 2013 | Unregistered Commentermissyb

In other news, a big ol' monkey-shaped EPCOT was seen approaching on the western horizon... Have a nice day.

January 21, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterTaffy Cake

@Sharyn ~ I just love you! (in a non-stalker way of course!) So glad you're feeling better!!!

Miss 13-year-old Teenage Attitude informed me that Boxy is a badly made Littlest PetShop. monkey. She even went to her room and grabbed her box of them to show me.

I'll be in the bunker trying to keep warm. I'm bringing the laser light for Theardare.

January 21, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterJodee in WA

Many commentators have said that Jen is a genius, and indeed she is, but wasn't this story written by Sharyn?

January 21, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterMariaTeresa

What's the old saying?
Moookey see, moookey do, and
hens never prosper.

Very funny story, Sharyn! By the bye, thought you'd like to know - just finished the first season of Star Trek: TOS. And look at me using abbreviations like a pro.

@Barbara Anne, are you mailing out King Cake kits this year? Can I go on the list?

January 21, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterHaiku Joy

I wasn't sure if that was Yoda or Shrek.

January 21, 2013 | Unregistered Commenterstacy

#2 A two-story hovel is a novel concept, but so are the roof vents on the first floor.

#3 Well, an oddly gentle Epcot seems to be underway. I think it's a moonkey.

#4 The claymation remake of 'Ghostbusters' wasn't a huge hit, for some reason.

#6 Salvador Dali's 'The Mighty Oak'. The artist decided ultimately that cake was too temporal and went back to painting.

#7 When Tink was told, "You'd better not show your face around here!" she took the warning seriously, if a tad literally. At least she's not showing anything else this time.

#8 "Smith, the customer returned their order of chicken wraps. Would you care to guess why?"

#9 Those who appreciate subtle snark (such as moi) must applaud "Oh'Duh."

#10 The truck was actually delivering sprinkles. (So the county has some odd ideas about beautification -- are those your tax dollars at work?)

#11 Customer: "I want turrets on our wedding cake, but I don't want to be too obvious, because lots of kids will be there." Wreckerator: "If you don't mind the frosting tasting a bit salty, I can finally unload use these real seashells to do a 'sandcastle' theme."

January 21, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterCraig

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