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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen
Wednesday
May142014

Tonight at the Lucky Stardust Lounge

"You... are... so beautiful..."

"...to me."

"Thank you. Thank you very much."

 

[Leaning on piano]

"You... are... soooo beautiful..."

"...to meeee."

"The Goldmans, everyone! Fifty years today! Aren't they adorable?

 

"Can't you SEEE-EEE-EE?!?"

[sliding to front of stage on knees]

"You're... ev'ry-thing I HOPED for!"

[grimacing in pain]

"You're EVERYTHING I neeeeeeeeee..."

"...eeEEED!"

[winking at waitress]

 

"You... are... so beautiful..."

"Toooo... meeeeEEEEE."

 

Thank you, Nia C., Krystal C., Karen R., Julie R., Alison V., and Joshua P. Thank you so much. No, really. Thank you. Really. You're too much. Thank you. Tip your waitress!

*****

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Reader Comments (71)

"Hey, Waitress, go work somewhere with better cakes." (Best tip I could give her.)

May 14, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterSharyn

Yes, Sleazy is in the eye of the beholder… NOW GET IT OUT!

May 14, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterShirley Fowley

The second-to-last one is obviously Elsa's coronation cake...

May 14, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterTheCreepyTribble

By the time you get to the last one, the orange number with the bow looks pretty good.

May 14, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJan's Sushi Bar

Whoa! I wasn't done puzzling over the wreck with the green hooks on it, when I got to the last one...What?! Huh? I just don't...AAAACCCKK!

May 14, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJodi

are those.. jalapeños on the last one?

May 14, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterakitmos

Well as wrecks go, that first orange one wasn't THAT bad!

May 14, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJoJo

I agree that the first one, in comparison to the rest, doesn't actually look all that bad. One finds oneself thinking: 'Dang! If only they'd left off the orange airbrushing!' But then one remembers THESE CAKES WERE ALL MADE BY PROFESSIONALS and reality comes crashing back in.

Also, the last one needs to be taken away somewhere and dealt with via controlled explosion.

May 14, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJoan

Wow. That last one actually made me back away from my laptop. Yikes! Why are there McDonald's pickle slices all over it???

May 14, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJenny

Tip your waitress... and then return her to her original upright and locked position.

May 14, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterkhereva

Some joker put green condoms on the last cake to get the happy couple ready for the honeymoon! How thoughtful.

May 14, 2014 | Unregistered Commentermiss_paper

No, no John. Thank YOU.

May 14, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterMaureen

It really says something when you get to the end and think the first one isn't as bad as you originally thought. Still wrecky for sure (Calm down Theardare!) but not the worst of the bunch.

@john ~ You should totally take your act to Vegas! We'll all come watch and bring cake!

@Haiku Joy ~ Thinking of you! p.s. I've never read Hamlet **hanging head in shame**

May 14, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJodee

Are the green "hooks" actually gummy worms? Pretty bad, but better than the BBQ sauce goo on the last one. Actually now I don't feel so bad about my "crumby" attempts at cake decoration.

May 14, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterheloise

Maybe it's because my son is obsessed with this movie lately, but when I read this, I heard the song in this voice: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Wwf6uR4G7k. Darn Little Rascals.

May 14, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterMegan

So sleezy that I feel like I need to go take a shower now. You really captured "the mood" John, down to every detail except for when the Lounge Lizard tells folks that he's here every Friday and Saturday from 7 till midnight and at the club down the street Monday through Thursday.

May 14, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterbassgirl

*Standing ovation from seriously drunk wedding guest* "Bravo! Bravo! [hic] Thash's the most beautithul thing I've ever 'sperienced! Encore!" *rushes stage to tearfully embrace wedding singer, dramatically trips and crashes into cake table destroying hideous confections. No one notices the difference*

Thank you, Cake Wrecks! I hope it's some consolation to these brides that, although horrid their cakes maybe for their weddings, they go on to bring tears if joy, horror, & laughter to wrecky minions the world over! I visit this site every day & you guys bring me to tears of laughter pretty much daily! Today's post was no exception. Bravo, jhoj, Bravo! (And a little something for you ...*slips a folded bill into tip wine glass perched on piano*)

May 14, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterMovieMom

Bakers (with apologies to Lorde)


I’ve never made a fancy wedding cake
I cut my teeth on ccc’s in the kitchen
And I’m not proud of that sad mess
In the room in the back, lots of decorating envy

But every cake’s like
Gold leaf
Red flowers
Tippin’ going sideways
Turtle doves
Snowflakes
We’re gonna do it my ways

We don’t care, we’re decorators in our dreams

But every cakes’s like
Flowers
Petals
Twigs on our masterpiece
Blue stars
Frosting
Sprinkles on every piece

We don’t care, we aren’t caught up in your cake affair

And we’ll never be bakers (bakers)
Don’t know nothin’ ‘bout food
That kind of lux just ain’t for us; we don’t crave a frosting buzz
Let me be your fooler (fooler)
You can call me “wanna be”
And lady, I’ll fool, I’ll fool, I’ll fool, I’ll fool
Good cakes are just a fantasy

My friends and I we’ve got no code
We keep adding stuff on the way to your party
We’ll add some dots and add some bows
And we’re fine with this, we don’t have any talent.

But every cakes’s like
Ribbon
Green swirls
Gonna make a masterpiece
Yellow mess
Olives
No one’s gonna want a piece

We don’t care, we’re makin’ masterpieces in our dreams

And every cakes’s like
Brown dots
Anywhere
Crap on your wedding cake
Blue mess
Pink stuff
We don’t care what we make

We don’t care, we aren’t caught up in your cake affair

And we’ll never be bakers (bakers)
Don’t know nothin’ ‘bout food
That kind of lux just ain’t for us; we don’t crave a frosting buzz
Let me be your fooler (fooler)
You can call me “wanna be”
And lady, I’ll fool, I’ll fool, I’ll fool, I’ll fool
Good cakes are just a fantasy

ohh ohh oh ohh

We’re better than we’ve every dreamed
And I’m in love with being a wanna be

ooh ooh oh ooh

Life is great without a care
We aren’t caught up in your cake affair

And we’ll never be bakers (bakers)
Don’t know nothin’ ‘bout food
That kind of lux just ain’t for us; we don’t crave a frosting buzz
Let me be your fooler (fooler)
You can call me “wanna be”
And lady, I’ll fool, I’ll fool, I’ll fool, I’ll fool
Good cakes are just a fantasy

May 14, 2014 | Unregistered Commentermel

Great post, John(thoJ)! I totally had a lousy lounge singer singing in my head while I was reading.
Fun fact: when I was in middle school during the Jurrasic era, I took an elective to learn American Sign Language. The song the teacher chose for us to perform at the end of the term was that song. Q: Do you know how many times in my life I have heard that song? A: More than any human should.
Also, those cakes are just enough to put me off cake for a while. Yuck.

May 14, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterAnnie

The first one looks like its covered in deli meats....
Which I think is what made me think the second one wasn't so horrible... for a first attempt... By a 6th grader.

May 14, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterStephi

Some of those actually have potential... just not well done :P

May 14, 2014 | Unregistered Commentermindy1

@Jodee: I have. (And lots of other things, besides). And later saw it performed. Trust me, Shakespeare makes a TON more sense when you're seeing it acted out.

But why are you ashamed about it? I read Les Miserables--all 6,328 pages of it; they cut a LOT in the movie--partly because I was interested, but mostly because I was GOING TO, DAMMIT. I found out you can save a lot of time by not doing stuff because you feel obliged to (unless it's checking CW; you never KNOW what might happen on here!)

May 14, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterSaraCVT

Those cakes are bad... ok, maybe I could live with the first one, but the rest ... ugh

And of course I could hear Joe Cocker singing really loud about cakes ;)

May 14, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterMagda

I sang along as I scrolled through, but then ended with a screeching "what in the sam hill is that thing" at the end.

May 14, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterDegera

I am so glad that we carefully chose and splurged on our cake. It is the only thing we really splurged on.

Also, Just saw Cake Wrecks get a mention on The Chew! Awesome!

May 14, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJessica

I am so glad that we carefully chose and splurged on our cake. It is the only thing we really splurged on.

Also, Just saw Cake Wrecks get a mention on The Chew! Awesome!

May 14, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJessica

John, I didn't know you could sing. You have a beeeautiful voice.

I don't believe that last cake-the one frosted with yellow fungus and festooned with rose petals and olives (guacamole discs? Oh, condoms. Thanks miss_paper) - is actually a cake. Look at the top of the top tier - the one above the bloody stump. It's glowing up there. Glowing like ET's heart light. Maybe it IS ET's heart light. If not, what is it? Why is it glowing? Why?
NSA Surveillance, that's why.
If I just happen to disappear, be aware that "they" are everywhere; watching what you do, listening to your calls, reading y

May 14, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterSuBee

AAAAhhhhhh!!! I suspect I know what snowflake cake was the inspiration piece for the second to last one - because I want something similar for my wedding! Now I know how awful it can be!!! I'm going to have nightmares tonight - and don't be surprised to hear from my wedding planner!

May 14, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterMalia

I was totally seeing you doing this on Jimmy Fallon's lip-sync battle, john (thoJ). You definitely would have won.
I see capers, pickles, dijon mustard, barbeque sauce, and Canadian bacon on the last cake. So, if this was the bakers vision of savory foods in cake form - NAILED IT!

May 14, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterlisadh

For some reason, I envisioned this song climaxing with John (thoJ) ripping off his velcro-ed trousers just like he did on National No Pants Day. I also seem to remember a beautiful photo of his torso all oiled up...

May 14, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterRachel CrazyMum

Did you ever read the Steven Kellogg classic Ralph's Secret Weapon? The resemblance to that last cake is eerie!

May 14, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterNicole

Does the last cake have pickles and ham slices on it with a fire pit on top?

May 14, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer

Oh. My. I just can't even......why?.......how could anyone actually let any of these leave their shop.......it's just......oh good grief!

May 14, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterCreative-Juices

That last one looks like it's frosted with potato salad with shaved ham petals.

May 14, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterShanna

I was so glad to read that someone else thought the green hooks might be gummy worms. That was my first thought. Well, actually my first thought on seeing the picture on FB was "Why did someone put green olive slices on a wedding cake?"

The orange one really doesn't look that bad after seeing the others.

May 14, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterGinger

Are those pickles stuck to the last cake?

May 14, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterHeather

Oh man. The glitter on those dollar-store snowflakes is surely inedible and probably shed all over the cake. Yum, yum, intestinal lacerations.

May 14, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterLeah

The last cake reminds me of my deviled eggs, right down to the light dusting of paprika. Delicious, but not exactly what I would want for my wedding cake!

May 14, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterTaxMegan

That last one looks like they put ham and pickles on it.... yikes

May 14, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterKristen

Oh, I want the doves cake for my wedding! And then I want to go around and tell everyone how beautiful and sparkly it is and record them trying to keep a straight face when they agree with me!!! I am pretty evil though, admittedly...

May 14, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterKristen

I will say that the decorator of the last cake should get some recognition for the creative combination of rose petals, chocolate dots, and olives.

May 14, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterdrgns4vr

The last cake looks like Easter Peeps had World War 3! The Peeps Massacre?

May 14, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterNikki

They are everything I hope for in a wreck. One has to appreciate the creative choice of jalapeños/pickle slices/condoms as symbols of eternal love. Yes? Everything I need.

May 14, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterKnittedbooties

The doves are well done. They can't be by the same person that made the smeary atrocity under them. Or are they plastic ones simply bought in?

May 14, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterTachybaptus

I love the commentary! Lol

May 14, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterBeth

I personally love the last cake. I mean, rose petals, kiwis (or possibly green grapes) and some sort of barbecued meat product scream "happily ever after" right???

May 14, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterKaren

-screams, then cries-

May 14, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterNikachu

Cake 1 -- Oh, my Lord!
Cake 2 -- Oh, my Lord!
Cake 3 -- Oh, my Lord!
...
Each one more hideous than the previous. And it is so enjoyable to eat a nice piece of cake while picking glitter, polyester rose petals, and dried statis and baby's breath out of your teeth.

May 14, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterTricia L

That last one looks like Cake Boss got mugged by the Star Trek Horta. What is that orange/red crapp lump in th middle! YIKES

May 14, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterVixx

I thought those were green bell pepper slices on the second cake. The first one made me sad, and each one after made me sadder, but the last one made me say words that can't be posted here. At least it's helping me with my diet by taking away my appetite. Almost takes away my will to live.

May 14, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterPFlamingo

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