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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen
Thursday
Jul102014

Something Wrecky This Way Comes

(Warning: Naughty puns ahead. Hide your kids.)

 

Renee C. ordered this sandcastle cake for her beach-themed wedding:

 

So you know what's coming, right?

Heh. Aheh.

 

That's right: DIRTY PUNS ARE COMING.

The bride really got the shaft here, and it doesn't take a firm grip on reality to be testy over such a cock-up. Should she just suck it up and beat it? Is she nuts to take this blow so hard? Will nothing stop the erection of headstrong turrets?

No, that's a fallacy!*

Besides, I'm sure bakers will get the point in the end.
Aaand I'm done.

 

Thanks to Renee C. for the heads up!

Okay, okay. Now I'm done.

 

*'Cuz it's a phallus - see?
(OH COME ON THAT WAS GENIUS.)

*****

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« Friday Favs 7/11/14 | Main | Bride/Baker Communication 101 »

Reader Comments (54)

I can't think of anything as good as what mel will come up with. Oh, see what I did there? That was totally accidental!

@TLC- Everyone should have a friend like you. You're in my thoughts.
@Jodee-Hooray!! Just think of the wonderful baby shower cakes that await you.

July 10, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterSuBee

A little more wedding, a little less bachelorette party. I find it very difficult to believe the baker couldn't see the adult nature of this monstrosity before it left their shop. SMH

July 10, 2014 | Unregistered Commentermiss_paper

I can't wait to see Mel rise to the occasion!

Like others here, you and your friend are in my thoughts, TLC. My aunt recently went through hospice care, and while her death was peaceful and dignified, it has not made the hole in our lives any easier to accept.

July 10, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterRachel CrazyMum

Not to sound dictatorial, but I try to be a good member...
of the CakeWrecks commentor forum. Why, what were YOU thinking?

This cake must be at least two rods long.

Everybody Wang Chung tonight!

July 10, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJodi

I am now cracking up and realizing at the same time, I MUST come again for the comments later...Sharyn, mel, SuBee....and whoever else has their clever on today.

@Jen, you have infected us all my dear. We are all a bunch of punny wreckkies just hanging around CW.

I LOVE THIS PLACE!!!

July 10, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterVaBeach Alemap

That baker is a ding-a-ling.

July 10, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterSandy

Please tell me the bride was wearing a Vera Wang wedding dress. Please.

July 10, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterRachel CrazyMum

Bwhahahahahahaha!!!! LOVE a punny posting!!!!!!

July 10, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterMaureen

I wonder if the bride and groom adjusted their wedding vows to fit in with the cake? You know, "For quickies and for tantric, in firmness and in flaccidity, until wet patches do us part."

July 10, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterRachel CrazyMum

There are eight million stories behind the Wrecks…this is one of them.

It was just after opening when Decorator Dick called his staff together for a special meeting. Dick was a kind boss and he handled his staff with skill and finesse, offering encouragement and stroking when appropriate. When it came to performance, he knew how to get the cream out of them. Today he wanted his staff to pull together so they could come together as one and then deal with the issue at hand. He waited patiently for his staff to come. A few were missing. “Has anyone seen Wang?” he asked. “He’s making a fire in the old stove,” one of his fellow decorators said. “It’s hard to get that thing going. The initial fire of the day is the most difficult so it takes a lot of morning wood to get the thing up and going. Morning wood is the hardest.”

“What about Johnson?” Dick asked. “He called in,” said another member. “He’s having trouble with his pets. His baboon broke a vase, so he had to spank his monkey. And, his one-eyed snake has a slight discharge, so he’s stopping at the vet. He’ll come shortly.” The room was filled with small talk as they waited. “How you doing with your neighbor?” one baker asked Tom. Tom had been feuding with the guy next door. Tom raised a few Cornish hens and one had gone into the neighbor’s yard and pooped in their flowerbed [note: everybody poops]. The neighbor had retaliated by choking his chicken.

Just then Wang came, and Dick started the meeting. “We’ve been asked to make a special cake,” he began. “It’s for a beach-themed wedding, and they want a sand castle.”

The bakers went silent. This would be a challenge. They knew that getting this erected this would take a group effort; all hands would be busy if they were going to pull this off. There was a lot of intricate work involved, so they knew this would be a hand job. Dick gave them their assignments and they went off.

Later that day they came together again to look at the results. “Well,” began Dick, “a few adjustments. About the topper and groomsmen. The groom is not in the Navy, so we’ll have to remove the seamen from the cake. Also, the bride was not in the Women’s Army Corps, so….” “I know,” said Rod, “WAC…off.” “And,” continued Dick, “why are those musicians there?” “This is an exotic band,” said Fisty Palmer, one of the new staff. “They play wind instruments made out of snake sheddings – they’re all experts at playing the skin flute. It produces a low moaning sound that starts out softly and increases in intensity the longer they blow until it reaches a crescendoing climax. They’re very popular.” “I can’t swallow that,” said Dick, smiling. “I think your pulling my leg.” So the musicians went off. “And there’s a little extra line by that window there, so just rub one out.”

They stared at the cake. Something was amiss. “It’s the turrets,” said Dick finally. They look…well…limp. Remember the last time we had to make turrets? Some leaned to the left, some to the right. The bride wouldn’t pay full price, so we took a pounding on that one. To keep the business going I almost had to sell the family jewels. I hate to say this, but we need to make them look more like…” “Dick,” interjected Fisty. “What?” said Dick. “No, I mean dick,” said Fisty, “make then look more like, well, a dick.” ‘Oh,” said Dick. “Yes, yes. Now that you mention it, I think you’re right. We can make them looks like dicks and then just tweak and play with them until they come together like we want. And I know just the person for the job.” “Who?” asked Johnson, “Cynthia Plaster Caster*?” “No, no,” said Dick, “I’m going to call Debbie. Everyone knows, Debbie does phallus.”

*This is a real person, active in the late ‘60’s. Those were the days….

HAHAHA I can not stop laughing. Ri-dic-ulously funny :)

July 10, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterDaniel

My family hosts a horse camp every Wednesday all summer long. Last night we had about 80 people. I was talking to someone and made the comment "This is nuts!" A little boy heard me and came running over to tell me I just said a bad word!

Like everyone else I'm eagerly awaiting @mel's post!

Thanks @SuBee! Interestingly enough, that thought HAD crossed my mind.

@mel ~ I'll be sure to leave my screen on for you tonight! ;-)

July 10, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJodee

I think I would have taken the "towers" off and given them to the bridesmaids with a couple of drinks...cover the spots with shells, and it is a passable PG!

July 10, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterMer Bear

So close to an acceptable cake, but yet so wrong, unless they decided to change from a beach wedding to a wedding at the Playboy Mansion.

July 10, 2014 | Unregistered Commenternormajean

Mel: bravo, sir, bravo *wild applause*

July 10, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterRachel CrazyMum

Coming from an abstinence-only background I think this is hysterically Freudian...

July 10, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterannymouse

Dude. It's the castle from the Little Mermaid VHS box. Surely I'm not the only one who sees it...?

July 10, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterMaya

How could they NOT see it?!?!?!?!

July 10, 2014 | Unregistered Commentermindy1

I'm wondering how she could dare take this to the wedding. Sad...

July 10, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterMarissa

In spite of what appears to be very firm construction of this erection, it appears that some of the shafts are beginning to tilt and soften. Maybe they should have added some Viagra to the fondant?

But then again, if this erection would have remained firm for more than four hours, would that have constituted a medical emergency for the guests? Bride and groom?

@mel: you took so many of the good puns with your masterpiece, I had to bring in new puns through the rear entrance.

July 10, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterTLC

Should've called it a phallic-see.

You have to wonder if the wreckerator actually has dildo-shaped cake molds hanging around.

July 10, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterBeverly Diehl

Oh My Gosh! @mel, that may be the funniest (punniest?) one yet! We all knew it would be worth the wait. Bravo, sir!!!

July 10, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJodee

Maya that's exactly what I saw. That lady got a little mermaid castle!

July 10, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJules

Thanks for the laugh! It was just what I needed to lighten the mood.I have to put my 13 year old cat down tomorrow morning and was a bawling mess when I saw your post. Still am, but I know life goes on and the laughter gets us through the tough times!

That poor bride, I would've loved to have seen the look on her face when she saw that monstrosity! Honestly, some of these bakers need to go to decorator's jail and when they get out they should be put on a probation where the terms are they promise to never pick up a decorating (mutilating) job again!

July 10, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterReets

Mel, that rises above all other members (' submissions).

July 10, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterOnehsancare

@TLC & MarkinSF - my thoughts & prayers are with you and your loved ones.
@SuBee, I hope all is well in your community.
Congratulations, Jodee!

I've been lurking and laughing for months at these magnificent wrecks… and everyone's comments!
Mel, that story is brilliant - naughty, but brilliant. Maya, absolutely, Little Mermaid!

Wish I had some snark of my own to add. It'll come (oops - too easy!).

July 10, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterrejoyce

When you order your cake from Dick and Peter Johnson's Erotic Bakery you're gonna get what you're gonna get.

I hope that baker lives in a state where same-sex marriage is legal. They won't be hard up for business for long now that their work has been thrust into pubic, er, public view. They will want to offer something for the ladies, though.

July 10, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterpikkewyntjie

Yikes!! You scared me there... I made a wedding cake for a beach wedding last year after the bride to be send me the exact same example picture... Was a bit worried I'd be seeing my own cake as a wreck...

Thank god it was someone else's. Fortunately my reputation still stands! Just like those 'towers'... *grin*

July 10, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterMijke

@Reets, I'm sorry about your kitty! @Jodee congrats! @mel, Bravo!

You are all invited to the wedding of John Thomas Peterson and his bride.

July 10, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJodi

That is unapproiate for a wedding! The baker should be talked to, as in "I want my money back!". Poor taste,

July 10, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJoanie Jensen

Love your posts! I don't usual comment but this was the best write-up yet!

July 10, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterMelissa

OMG! I mean OMG! But seriously? Why is the cake peach? Why is it peach??? And I can't believe that Mel (or any other of the incredibly creative punners today) didn't include the spot on, but classic, Master-baker, because that cake was obviously created by someone with a firm background in batter manipulation. I love this site!!!

July 10, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterCBushLite

Here on the Left Coast, In Seattle to be precise, we actually have an erotic bakery called...the Erotic Bakery. To enter their webite, one has to agree to being 18 or older. While their cakes are a tad more explicit, none are as poorly done as today's flop.

Warning: the easily offended and those of a delicate constitution should NOT visit their website. Save yourselves for the right website.

July 10, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterNanalettie

I´m still laughing. Can you see the face of the bride when cake come in to the party :) HAHAHA

July 10, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterDaniel

@mel-Yup, that's just what I was hoping for!

July 10, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterSuBee

Omg! I did the "before" (robyn loves cake in Santa Barbara-- but I'm moving to Orlando in September!). I love when my cakes are used for inspiration (actually I'm pretty sure the bride I did that one for years ago had given me an inspiration photo to work from...it's all a giant circle, lol) and I wish all brides could be happy with their cakes! Although I must admit that Cake Wrecks has made me laugh until I literally cry, many times over the years. xoxo!

July 10, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterRobyn

I just want to know if there was a happy ending.

July 10, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterdavid m

Even if the baker couldn't see it--and I can't believe that anybody couldn't--but even if the baker couldn't see it, how could anybody--um--eat it!

July 10, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterKOJohnson

This pisses me off so much...

July 10, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterClassiccakesHV.com

@SuBee: Yes, I read the early posts and I saw what you did there – you threw down the gauntlet and started a gauntlet-throwing frenzy, you sly one, you! Well, I cranked up Queen’s “Under Pressure” and gave it a shot. Glad it was what you were hoping for…..
@Rachel CrazyMum: Thanks; I guess I rose far enough to make you laugh (which, ironically, has been the story of my life…). Your own posts were very funny, particularly the re-done vows. Well done, well done! (I’m sorry for your loss…be well….)
@TLC: thanks, and well played, well played! By the way, I think if Viagra had been added to the fondant, those who ate might have ended up with what the British call a stiff upper lip….
@Jodee: Thanks for leaving the light on…. And I’m glad you enjoyed the post. I can’t believe I put my name on that…. Last year that would have been by Little Boy Blue, but I gave up my aliases….
@Reets: I’m sorry about your cat; that is never easy.
@Onehsancare: Thank you for the cleverly done comment!
@rejoyce: Thank you, but I missed the naughty part, and I’ve read it several times…it’s just a simple story of a baker trying to make a bride’s dream cake come true. And nice work with your own pun….
@Jodi: Thank you. How are the RSVP’s for the wedding…many coming? (And you are a good, upstanding member…of this community….)
@CbushLite: I love this site, too! I used “master baker” not too long ago in a post, so I kept my hands off it this time.
@MarkinSF: My thoughts for the best are with you.

July 10, 2014 | Unregistered Commentermel

@mel....bwaaaahhhahahahahahahahaha!!! I heard the lounge piano, then a saxophone, then it was narrated by some dude...It was a film noir in my head!!! It was amazing, and hysterical...does anyone else have an imagination that does that? I even got a visual in black and white, guy in a trench coat lighting a cigarette on a dark street corner...It was the opening line, I can't stop laughing.

@Jodee...codgraduwadeshins...you'll be a great granuryma...greenma....gratma...yeah, gratma....LOL

@david m -well, with a wedding cake like that...even if they didn't see it, maybe the sculpture was subliminally influencing the wedding party all through the reception, so there were several happy endings that evening...I am an eternal optimist so I like to think so

@RachelCrazyMum...you definitely had your "clever on" today!

and to everyone else, too much going on here, not sleeping well, it's already midnight, but I love all of you and hope the best for you all...see you tomorrow...AND--"Good night and good news" from one of my favorite shows...who knows????

July 10, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterVaBeach alemaP

Lmao have wreckerators never seen sand castles before? Or are they obsessed with making all cakes have such lovely fire crackers lol.

July 11, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterArlene Marie

@mel-- I remember Little Boy Blue! I'm pretty far from giving up my aliases (dbc = "drive-by commenter") I use others, and post way at the end of the thread...

July 11, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterdbc

@mel - I definitely think you came out on top with that one! *blushes*

@Jodee - Congratulations!

@Jen - Thanks for getting the ball rolling! :-)

July 11, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterlisadh

Doorbell: Ding DONG!

July 11, 2014 | Unregistered Commentercc

Maya, I also saw the castle from 'Little Mermaid", I even have a copy of it! :)

July 11, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterLes

@VaBeach alemaP: thanks, and glad you enjoyed it as a film noir; I’m a big fan of noir. It’s good to have such a wonderful imagination, isn’t it! The opening line is, of course, a play on the opening line of The Naked City, a movie and a TV show from a while ago. Sorry about the not sleeping well, and hope restful slumber appears soon….
@dbc: Thanks for remembering LBB. I used that for the slightly risqué posts. I thought maybe aliases would allow me to write in different “styles,” but I found that I’m so all over the place, I have no style. I decided to drop them…but who knows…. Glad to have you here – and feel free to jump in at any point in the posts, with or without an alias….
@lisadh: That’s clever (as is your comment to Jen), thank you! (And I’m blushing, too…..)

July 11, 2014 | Unregistered Commentermel

I think I could eat it, but I'm not sure that I could "swallow".

July 11, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterDRCGGK

Gosh, it seems so basic: turrets should be POINTY! Otherwise, people will dicker over what they really represent.

July 11, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterteresa from Portland

Wow scary! The point of this massive erection is not to rush too fast in your details. Take the time you need to make sure you come to the correct conclusion what a turret should look like. Make sure it doesn't come out as a play toy for the Mrs. or for the mothers.

* side note- I've been decorating 15 yrs now, 4 professionally, and currently the princess castle has changed again, 4th time now. The current one the plastic turrets actually look similar to this scary, yet no one has ordered lmao. I can't wait to make my first one, but no one is ordering it.

July 11, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterStephanie

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