Wrecks For The Rest Of Us

It is on this day, at this glorious, joyous time of year, that we should all take a moment to say,

And to capture the Festivus spirit, we erect [heh] our Festivus pole [hehehe] - a bare aluminum rod [wink] - because we all know how distracting tinsel can be.

"Yo, Tinsel, move it! You're blocking our holiday spirit!"

Then we will dine on meatloaf dinner:

"I would do anything for 'loaf...
but I won't eat that."

Followed by cake covered with M&Ms:

"And what is the DEAL with airline food?"

Once the Pepto Bismol has settled, Festivus can officially begin with the Airing of Grievances:

This is when we gripe about all the ways our family, friends, and the world in general has disappointed us over the past year.

Needless to say, sarcasm is encouraged.

Once everyone is basking in the warm glow of a directionless, murderous rage, it's time for the Feats of Strength. Tradition states that Festivus isn't over until the head of the house is pinned in a wrestling match, but you can usually disarm Grandma pretty quickly:

On second thought, it looks like Grandma Dani's been working out.

Oh, and I nearly forgot! Be on the lookout today for Festivus miracles. Because trust me, they're everywhere.

Congrats, Grandma!

Thanks to Lisa N., Rhiannon, Jola S., Marcus J., Dianne M., Lauren M., Bernadett, & JM, who have been just awful to me this past year, AWFUL, I tell you, and do they thank me for the snarky commentary? NoooOOOOo. But that's ok, because I don't need thanks, or love, or basic human consideration, because I... [lip wobble] ... I AM STRONG.

Now quit crying and go fight your grandmother.

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

Flying the Hungry Skies

"Excuse me, Ma'am, is this your cake?"

"Um...yes?"

"Well, I'm going to have to confiscate it."

"What? Why?"

"This so-called 'frosting' is clearly a 'gel' and therefore threatens national security. Move along.

"But, but..."

"NEXT.

"Whoah, whoah, whoah. Sir, I'm going to have to take that delicious-looking...er...I mean, that dangerous looking Santa cake.

"It looks suspicious."

"But food is allowed through security!"

"Yes, but this obviously isn't 'food.' It's some kind of weapon. And I'm hungry.

"Oh, did I say that last bit out loud? Haha, silly me. NEXT.

[munching] "So, what have we here?"

"Just a little gift for the family back home."

"I'm sorry, but there's no way for me to know that's really a cake and not some kind of zombie snowman capable of terrorizing your fellow passengers. I'll have to take it off your hands."

"No, look! I can take a bite! See? Yummy cake!"

"Nice try, terrorist. Now we'll have to extract that. Sergeant? Take him away. (But leave the cake.) NEXT.

"No, no, I'm sorry, animals aren't allowed."

"It's a reindeer CAKE."

"We can't be too careful.

"Hold up there, Miss. Do you have a permit R2D2C3PO for that item?"

"There's no such thing!"

"Of course there is, Miss, and I'm the official gingerbread cake confiscator." [flashing badge]

"Did you...did you just flash a Subway rewards card at me?"

"No."

"Yes, you did!"

"No, I didn't. Gimmie the cake."

"So I guess you'll be taking my cake, too, then?"

"Nope, that one looks perfectly harmless. Have a nice flight!"

Thanks to Mark & CJ, Naureen, Kelly D., Brooke F., Kittie L., Sandy K., and the TSA, who really have started confiscating cupcakes because the frosting is a "gel." Enjoy those flights, everyone.