Wreck'd History: Columbus Day

WARNING: Today's post, while hysterical, is also EXTREMELY CONTROVERSIAL. We did not anticipate or intend this, but there it is. So, if you are perhaps related to or otherwise a huge fan of Christopher Columbus, you may want to skip this post. Please. For all our sakes. It's just better that way.

Tl, dr: STOP READING THIS IF YOU LOVE CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS.

***

THE COMPLETELY TRUE STORY OF COLUMBUS DAY

told with cake

A long time ago, there was this guy named Christopher Columbus.

He was kind of a schmuck.

Columbus wanted to sail around the world, so he met with King John II of Portugal:

(It's a king cake. Try to keep up.)

...and asked the king for some boats and a crapton of money:

Mmmm greeeeasy...

King John politely declined.

Not to be discouraged, Columbus went to Spain and met with Ferdinand and Isabella, who were way cooler about the whole thing:

"Dat voyage is WHACK!"

So they gave him everything he wanted and promised him the title of Admiral of the Seas because they figured he'd probably kill himself anyway.

Columbus set sail, and eventually Rodrigo de Triana, a lookout on the Pinta, caught sight of land:

Beautiful.

...but Columbus claimed he saw it first, because he was kind of a... well...

Yeah. That.

Eventually, they made it to shore and called the "new discovery" San Salvador.

Meanwhile, the locals were like:

That's when Chris noticed a few of the locals were wearing gold, and decided it was a good time to take them prisoner and/or kill them:

Have I mentioned what a swell guy he was?

Then Columbus sailed around some more:

...and eventually wrecked the Santa Maria.

Bummer.

Sadly he didn't die, though, and went on to bring lots of wonderful things to the "new" world, like disease:

...and other diseases:

...and corn*.

Which is why Columbus day is stupid.

So happy Canadian Thanksgiving, everyone!

Gooble 'til you wooble!

Thanks to Gwynne O., Lisa, Becky B., Michelle B., Kasi K., Lizzy B., Melody, Judie V., Leicia G., Michael S., Laurel L., Michele D., Monique R., Sabrina P., Juanita G., and Leif E. for doing it right the first time.

(*Jen: "I don't think he brought corn..."
John: "Shhhhhh.")

*****

Thank you for using our Amazon links to shop! USA, UK, Canada.

And from my other blog, Epbot:

Sunday Sweets: Rich & Rustic Autumn Jewels

Orange is my favorite color, so I am ALL about Fall, y'all.

It's not just the warm colors, though; I love rich jewel tones and gleaming metallics:

[By Arte & Sabor in Costa Rica]

Not to mention the natural touches of tree bark and dried leaves:

[By Bellaria Cake Design in the Netherlands]

It's all so elegant, but manages to feel welcoming at the same time - like a warm hug that smells of spices and rain. Mmmm.

Check out this gilded beauty with her sugar marble base:

[By Have Some Cake in the UK]

Fit for an Autumn Queen!

This mossy number has the sweetest succulent accents:

[By Chiki New York]

I love how bright and modern it is - and those curled ferns!

Have you noticed all the pale aqua touches in the Fall decor hitting stores right now? It's so unexpected, but I freaking love it. Especially when you pair it with copper or warm golds, like this:

[By Sonja Mclean, who has a tutorial here!]

Hnnnng. So good.

Check out the hanging wedding rings on this cutie:

[By Asli of Mutlu Gün Kurabiyecisi in Turkey]

D'awww. So fun!

Autumn needs more purple, right? Especially purples like this?

[By Nix Kitchen in Malaysia]

Those greenery swags make the whole cake!

I need to see someone slicing through this sugar "bark"; it looks too real!

[By That Little Cake Place in the UK]

WOWIE. I just... I just want to poke it.
SOMEBODY PLEASE POKE THE CAKE FOR ME.

Oooh, these rough scraped metallics are speaking to my soul:

[By Have Some Cake in the UK]

Those red streaks? And the way the gold blends right into the cake board? And just, you know, all of it? ::knowing nod of extreme approval::

This last one is definitely filled with Autumn Magic, gang, because it is straight up levitating:

[By Shelby Elizabeth Cakes in Texas, featured here.]

I'll just be over here collecting my jaw off the desk.

I hope these made you smile! Happy Sunday!

*****

Thank you for using our Amazon links to shop! USA, UK, Canada.

And from my other blog, Epbot: