Move Over, Lunchables

As an ab-disadvantaged, rotundity blessed, "fluffy" individual, I appreciate all the finer foods in life. The local Chinese buffet owners even know me by name. ("Oooh, Mr. Pork Man! Table for one?")

It's not that I don't care about being thin and gorgeous, it's...wait. No, actually, that IS it. I don't care. So imagine my delight when I discovered the latest lunch craze hitting our nation's bakeries:

The Porta-Pastry!

Yep, these lunch-sized portions of cake come with everything you need for a nutritious meal: sugar, fat, more sugar, and most importantly: a handy fork for on-the-go eating!

No more sneaking into the breakroom in search of cutlery! No more sharing with the kids! Now you can consume your Porta-Pastry as God intended: hunched over the steering wheel in your car, crying.

I'm sorry, did I say "crying?" 'Cuz I meant "crying tears of JOY."

"Just a second, kids; Mommy's just finishing her lunch."

So far the baking industry has just been testing the market with their Watermelon Porta-Pastry, but happily the response has been so positive they're preparing to introduce a new design:

The Double Pounder.

Because a fork in each hand is worth two duck heads in a bush.


Thanks to Annabeth C., Lauren K., Alden L., Jennifer L., Shannon B., and Jane D., who think that lousy Aflac duck had it coming.