My Other Blog

What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen

The Secret's Out!

Sometimes when I tell people that John and I have been married for 13 years now, they exclaim in shock, "What, did you get married when you were twelve?!" And then we laugh and laugh until I wake up and cry a little.

The times I'm not dreaming, though, people sometimes ask what our "secret" is.  I assume they mean the secret to a happy marriage, and not that thing that happened at the fair, because how would they know about that?

So. The secret to a happy marriage?



Yep, nothing bolsters a relationship more than eloquently of affection. 

And stuff.



What's more, this kind of mushiness isn't just for your weeding day!



Now, admittedly, John is a lot better at this than I am, but I've learned to follow his lead and try to say something romantical every single day.



I know it can be hard for you naturally romantic chatterboxes to understand us more silent and stoic types, but the truth is sometimes we just don't know how to express what we're feeling.

And other times you'll have to cut us a little slack because, hey, at least we're trying.


 [creepy grin] Aheheheheh. PREEETTY.


But really, I can't stress this one point enough:




And if you want to keep your spouse on his or her toes, try celebrating your next anniversary like this:

 Not that *I* would ever do such a thing, of course. No, I prefer to write John heartfelt missives of the feelings my heart feels. Kind of like this bakery's delivery box:

[turning on slow, sultry beat] 

[grabbing mic] 

[talking over doo-wop back-up singers]

 John, sweetie? There is no need reason. [draping self over piano] You fall - you FALL! - in love with my freedom. [raising roof]  HEE-HEE! So open that window, baby - yes, OPEN IT! So that the soul of my soul and your soul and our souls - oh yes - [sliding to front of stage on knees] embracing you. [biting lip] Unnng. Yeah, boy. UH.


Thanks to Judie V.,  Melanie S., Anony M., Whitney B., Heather R.,  Stephanie & Aaron, Anony M., & Melinda H., for helping me express myself. Like to enjoy the heart was affected, guys. LIKE TO ENJOY.

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Reader Comments (76)

My brain hurts trying to figure out that last cake. Although your interpretation helps quite a bit :)

July 25, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAmelia P.

Wow, that was the funniest post in a LONG time. You gotta love it when the speak of English make badness for times of dismemberment!

July 25, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterFormerDominator

You had me at "So that the soul of my soul and your soul and our souls - oh yes - [sliding to front of stage on knees] embracing you."

HAHA! Today's post really cracked me up!

Cake #3- These two really put potential mates through the wringer and finally finished the weeding process.

July 25, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKatCollins

Um yes- it is To us Like to Enjoy!

Embracing You always-

-the fans.

July 25, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterlike to enjoy!

I hate to ruin a romantic mood, but I must object.
Cake 2 says "love's me." Everyone knows love's ME. Not everyone can be love.
Also, that cake box stole my wedding vows! I think I can sue for that.

On a positive note, I thought the "Congratulations on Your Weeding" cake said, "Congratulations on Your Breeding," which would be an accptable wedding sentiment in some communities.

Now really, you DID get married when you were 12, didn't you??

July 25, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSuBee

Sung to “Annie’s Song” (You fill up my senses…)

This ASS cake is senseless
‘Cause I know that you love’s me
For my weedless green garden,
You would pick me again…
For my collarbones’ straightness
Hey, enough with the ASS cakes!
Please don’t ruin my first marriage
Could you say that again?

Jen and John, I don't know the secret of a happy marriage, but it's pretty clear you've figured it out. My hubby and I met in high school debate. After 32 years together, we HAVE to stay married – no one else would get our inside jokes. (Hey Mark – Wheat Thins.)

July 25, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSharyn

Sing it, sister! Yeah! (And you do have nice clavicles. I'm sure your clavicals are nice, too, I just don't know what they are.)

July 25, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterNaomi

My husband and I have been married for 10 years (we got married at 20 and 21) and we get that all the time too. It's very annoying. :P

July 25, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMichelleH

You'll let us know as soon as there's a video of that end bit, right? :D

July 25, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterLaura

I thought it said " breeding " too. lol

And the cake box... rofl... i do appreciate your interpretive song-stration

July 25, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterDiana

Bahahaha XD XD

July 25, 2012 | Unregistered Commentermindy1

It appears that someone is celebrating their first marriage with prunes.

July 25, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterA Luke

Motorcycle Cop.

July 25, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJasini

I have to stop reading this at work. People are going to wonder why I'm snorting and crying.

Thank you for a brilliant post!!

July 25, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMelissa

I think the message on that cake box was written by the guy who sent my friend THIS via Skype:

"Hello Gorgeous,
They say the looks of a person can define a person's character and i am being flattery saying you are gorgeous and i can bet you have a strong personality and my instincts feels you are very humane and warm hearten! My instincts hardly goes wrong when judging a person's character. I would suggest we get better acquainted because the glow i see in you is mind blowing, i don't mind sharing some of that glow and friendship with you.I seek someone who knows that a real friend entails more than a mare handshake and smiles. By the way do pardon my manners, I am Anderson smith,but my friends call me AD. I would love to meet someone with true undying passion. Like the saying goes, - "Best of friendship does start from the oddest of ways".
I am in search of a life partner who has the fear of God in her.Please just let me know in your next email when you do come online so, that we can get chat and get acquainted."

It surely put the fear of God into me...
Lots of adoration from..Anderson.Stay blessed."

July 25, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJoan

*Runs away crying with laughter* I'm sorry. I don't know. I would wish you and John and your souls and clavicles (shiver) and whatnot many more happy first weedings, but you know how darn humid and roasty it is in Florida right now, and I wouldn't wish weeding or any other kind of "romantic?" yard work to any couple whom I'd like to see avoid heat stroke. YESH. heheh This post was sooooo hilarious! Thanks for making my week!

July 25, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterStoich91

I'm dying here ... literally. I'm trying to get over a case of bronchitis and every time I laugh I end up coughing my head off ... oops, there it goes!

July 25, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterDegera

@Subee - hahaha~cacklesnort~hahahaha

@Sharyn - noooo! now I'll never be able to keep a straight face for that song again. Although your version would make an excellent video. Or, have you thought about hacking into the national karaoke system (what? of course there must be such a thing! right?) and replacing the boring lyrics with yours?

On Wreck Number 3, did they cross the letter t in congratulations (what ho! they achieved their set spelling goal!) with an infinity sign? Really?

July 25, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterDB

May I please have the "Celebrating Our First Marriage" cake? Hubs and I were both married before and we celebrate that those first marriages are OVER so we could be together now (14 years and counting)! Thanks for the laughs Jen and John!

July 25, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBubbe

thank you very much to an entertaining post.
i learned very early on that a private
communication of love in an otherwise public
setting may fuel to the flames of love, beyond
one's expectations.

yes! be "romantical" !


July 25, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterbARE-eYED sUN

@Joan -- has she filed for a restraining order yet? (It didn't help I read "entails" as "entrails," which actually fit in pretty well...)

@DB -- as I understand it, the national kareoke system has strong filters against outside enquiption.

July 25, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSharyn

Wow, the first marriage one made me spit salad straight out of my mouth, but your doo wop riff on the last one has me peeing a little. And I do have nice clavicles and want to find the man who would give me that cake!

July 25, 2012 | Unregistered Commentersparkling74

Wrong translation last cake. Real message after runned thru Gobble Translater: Here, cake is for you, all unlimited. Happiness? Yes! Share, maybe, maybe not.

July 25, 2012 | Unregistered Commentergobbler


Annie's Song is MY SONG! I know it's cheesy, but the hubby and I love cheese. We danced to it at our heeding 11 years ago. If we don't make it to 32 years, I may just have to blame you for ruining that song for me. (Who knows what affect that might have on my marriage?)

On the other hand, you ruining precious songs and Jen ruining precious moments celebrated by cake give me my daily dose of healthy giggling, so at least I'll be a healthy divorcee!

Congrats to all the married folks who love their Love's! We are the luckiest people in the world.
(I almost couldn't leave in that apostrophe, even for the joke. It might kill me to hit "create post" without fixing it.)

July 25, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterTricia

So...if you'll just let us know when you post the video of your piano-top performance, I'm sure we'll all appreciate it.


July 25, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAmye

It's possible that at least one (perhaps both) of the S's in that first cake are really supposed to be T's, which would add insult to injury.

July 25, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterkayk

@Sharyn, I liked your version far, far better than I liked the original. And it makes more sense, frankly.

Jen and John, your souls our souls and that window. We're totally with you there.

Even if it is only your first weeding.

Here's to forever for the two of you. And the cats.


July 25, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBeesMom

Oh, look! My first ASS cake!

July 25, 2012 | Unregistered Commenteraudrey

Oh, my gosh! That was freakin' hysterical, Jen!! I can't correctly convey how funny that was.

Bless you and your blog for brightening my day, every day!

July 25, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterlisadh

You know those times when you want to graciously exit a conversation without being rude, but the other person just doesn't get it and keeps on talking? From now on I'm going to just start talking Cake Box Speak until they just go away. Think that will work?

I know it's rude to ask a lady her age, so, how old are you, John? (Just kidding!) Congratulations on your 13 years!

@Sharyn: Congratulations to you two, too. (heh) My high school sweetheart and I have been married for nigh on 18 years now. I have known him for over half (in a few more years, it will be 2/3) my lifetime. So, we kinda have to stay married now, too. ; - )

July 25, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAndrea

There IS no need reason for any of these cakes! Just like to enjoy the heart affected. Because you could fall in love with their freedom of expression. So open the window so that the soul of your soul and embrace the beauty of these wrecks. Kumbaya, hallelujah, peace out.

July 25, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSandy

#7 I know someone already cited this, but are those prunes?

#8 What other delights await at the Babelfish Bakery? My hovercraft is full of eels!

July 25, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterCraig

@Joan-Your friend got back to that guy, right? Please tell me she did. Please.
I'm sure they belong together and my instincts hardly goes wrong when judging other people's potentially successful relationships. I can already see their wedding cake...

July 25, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSuBee

Isn't "You have nice clavicles" a cut line from Ghostbusters? I believe Egon was supposed to say that to Janine when she surprised him with a hug or something.

Granted, cake still definitely belongs here, if only for the misspelling. And general creepy when such sentiments are coming from geek Ghostbusters.

July 25, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterVicky

I don't think that those are prunes, though they do look like them. I think they are black strawberries. No, I don't know any palatable means of turning strawberries black.

July 25, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJasini

My parents married each other twice - they were divorced in between. So although they've never gotten a cake that says "celebrating our first marriage," they COULD do so if they were counting their anniversaries from their first wedding. They don't, though, they count from the second wedding. So I guess it would be more appropriate to get a cake that says "celebrating our second marriage."

July 25, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSandi

I have long since thought that from what we see on CW and Epbot, you and John have a seriously fantastic marriage (which granted, most people are smart enough to put the best versions of themselves up on the internet for all to see/read...but still). First, the fact that you guys do it together and the way I've seen him stand up for you when a few people go batsh!t crazy mean about some cake or comment you make--the way he goes with you to your doctor's appointments and how doting you were to him when he was in the hospital on the first CW guys just clearly are very, very truly BEST FRIENDS.

It doesn't surprise me a bit that you have been married for 13 years. You guys are awesome.

July 25, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAshley F.

Now I know what to make for my first wedding anniversary on Monday! I just know that DH would appreciate, "I'd pick you" on a pistachio cake with drippy icing.

July 25, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKatie

I have the mental image of Jen singing the song, a la Michele Pfeiffer in "The Fabulous Baker Boys" crossed with "Marla" from "A League of Their Own".

It's all about conviction. And souls with windows.

July 25, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterlisadh

That box is great. I may have to start
A pettiton to get them in our bakery.
The expressions on people's faces
when they read it would make work so
much more fun

July 25, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAna

Clavicals? Really? What about something a bit more romantical...

Ode to the Platysmas

There below the chin it rests
Clavicals shield from heaving breast
More elegant in sweep than the aSs
Lies the sultry Platysmas.

Adorned in diamonds, rubies, and jewels
Its a word not often taught in schools
Frosted perfumed, held like a chalice
Is the fantastical, romantical Platysmas.

Patellas help the pentecostal
Coccyx seems overly scatalogical
Glabella to desk when viewing these wrecks
Because nothing compares to Platysmas

July 25, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJack Wire

I'm afraid I must call shennanigans on the "Weeding". If you click on the picture to enlarge the image, you'll see that there's the start of the first d's downstroke, and where the rest of the downstroke should be, and there seems to be a red curve at the bottom of the downstroke. My conclusion is that it's either 'shopped, or perhaps the orthographic work was done using red coating, and the downstroke of the d and the upstroke of the W broke off.

July 25, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterjudy

It's the 9th celebration of my first marriage today - perfect timing!

Thanks for the laughs!

July 25, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMJ in Olympia

The hubs and I are celebrating our 20th anniversary today. What a fitting post! :)

July 25, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterOsuzie

Loved your interpretation of the cake box, Jen, and your new lyrics to Annie's Song, Sharyn! Yet one more reason you *have* to read the comments after you've laughed through the wrecky goodness of the blog post. :)

July 25, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJulie

It took me a rediculously long time to realize that the second to last picture was in BLACK AND WHITE and that no one died strawberries a very dark blue and used light grey icing to decorate that cake. I feel so dumb right now.

July 25, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterCarmen

My Grandpa ALWAYS introduces his wife, "This is Margie, my first wife- I just say that to keep her on my toes.".... he's only been married once. What a silly man.

July 25, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterfirst marriage

Way to celebrate love, one body part at a time, wreckers. (That nose was running, BTW. Now you're going to look again and I'm very, very sorry that nothing will have changed.) The wreckitude of these cakes was absolutely asstounding.

July 25, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterLil

Anyone else envision the Fairy God Mother from Shrek 2 singing during the doowap song... just me??? Okay then..... :)

July 25, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJulia

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