My Other Blog

What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen

Gettin' Higgy With It

In case you missed it, the news that hijacked everyone's Twitter feeds yesterday was the discovery of the Higgle Bottom particle, which apparently is super tiny since it's taken scientists this long to find it. (Which is ironic, since, HELLO - they're the ones with all the MICROSCOPES.)

Anyway, I did a little research to learn what a Hoggle Bumper is and why it matters, but all of the articles I found lost me by "watch this ten minute lecture where someone smarter than you tries to dumb it down to your level." Still, I think I got enough of the gist to write a song about it:

[To the tune of "Apple Bottom Jeans"]

Higgen Bottle means
Something 'bout the uhrrr
It got the whole scientific community
Lookin' at 'errr!

Ok, so it's still a little rough, but I really think I'm on to something here.

You're probably wondering where the funny cake pictures are.

Well, it turns out, it's surprisingly hard to find an appropriate wreck for a Huggle Bosom.

So here's an inappropriate one:

I like how at first it looks like a Huggle Bosom, and then you realize it's actually a Horrible Bottom. It's like that optical illusion where you see a pretty girl and an ugly butt cake at the same time!


That one is kind of feminine, though, and we all know Higgins is that snooty guy who hangs around Tom Selleck, so...

The Higgins Bottom: like a manly block of cheddar. With dimples.

(Hey, I guess the moon IS made of cheese!)


And so, in conclusion: stay in school, kids.

But maybe not this one.


Thanks to Michele N., Karina R., & Susan H. for helping me help you expand your intellectual horizons. Plus: butt/bewbs.

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Reader Comments (39)

I hope I never encounter any real bottom that looks even remotely like the "Orange Bottom of Cheese". Seriously. Those "dimples" should be counted as a birth defect. Though they also could be scarring resulting from scientific testing that isn't allowed on our furry, four-legged friends.

July 5, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAnn

Sung to “Moon River”

Higgs boson, wider than a mile
You wear that thong with style, bebe
God particle, of all the articles
Of clothing to choose, you chose that anyway

Higgs boson, your hadrons have collided
Your cheesy cheeks lopsided, see?
You’re something I don’t comprehend, so at Garaution’s end
My elementary friend, explain you to… me…

SuBee, I think I remember you saying you love “Moon River.” If so, I’m really, really sorry – sometimes science isn’t pretty.

July 5, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSharyn

Let me 'splain. No, there's too much. Let me sum up.
A bunch of science dudes spent a gajillion dollars to go from "We think this thing exists." to "We REALLY think this thing exists!" .

July 5, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterzoomom

Okay, I'm going to add something one of my friends might say to this: Nice...butt cakes there!

Oh, and..."Cograts on Garauton" sounds to me like a bunch of rat robots rusting. At least, that's the mental picture I got out of it. (Hey, "rat robots rusting" is alliteration! Cool!")


July 5, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMeaghan

My daughter is taking 11th grade honors physics next year, so I feel more than qualified to comment on this. "Garaution" is the process by which to Hoochie Baby particle (aka “The Gawd Particle) was found. Dr. Beckie Cograts wrote the definitive study on garaution and the third cake was served when she spoke at the Annual Significant Science Festival (aka ASSFest) in 2011. The cake was well received and Dr. Congrats exclaimed, “This cake is fabulous! Oh my gawd, is that a Hip Bassoon particle over there??!! It has nothing to do with the gradulations cakes which are so ubiquitous at this time of year. Cakes similar to the first cake have been served at ASSFest since 2005.
The second cake obviously has nothing to do with physics. Or cake.

July 5, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSuBee

That last cake would be really good for a phlebotomist since it looks like two red blood cells.

July 5, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSaraV

@zoomom -- Absolutely the best summary I have seen so far.

July 5, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSharyn

Now they've found it, can I have one?

That second bottom looks like someone started eating the cake before it was frosted - no human has a bum like that, surely?

July 5, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterCaroline B

That first cake needs some Benadryl and a lot of rest so the swelling can go down.
Is that second cake really supposed to be a butt? I'm not seeing it. I don't know what I'm seeing in that cake but definitely not a butt!
I love how in the third cake they spelled it wrong twice- once in red, once in yellow. They couldn't even get it all one color or alternating on top. At least that would've been slightly better but only slightly.

July 5, 2012 | Unregistered Commenternormajean

LOL!! Laughs all around today, between the captions, songs, comments, and of course -- the wrecks. Thanks for all the giggles and laughs everyone.

July 5, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMaureen

So, the Hardon Collider works :) seriously- a big long tube, called a hadron collider? it was bound to happen that people would call it the great hardon.

July 5, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterhardon colider

I, too, heard about the new discovery. I just caught a little bit as I was channel surfing (my favorite sport), but I think I understand it. Apparently it was discovered by Higgs, the bosun on some ship. I think they said that one day in the galley two bakers were throwing protein bars at each other when suddenly two bars collided and made a loud noise, leading to creation of a TV show about nerdy young male scientists and a blonde who’s their neighbor. Then they said something about understanding why matter has mass and mass combines with gravity to give people weight. This is apparently important on a ship because you don’t want a bunch of skinny sailors who could be easily blown overboard. (The loss of seamen would be immense, and would no doubt deplete the Navy.)
Consequently, the bakers keep making cakes in the shape of the ship’s bell’s bottom to remind the men that they needed a lot of bottom weight to stay onboard. (Later bell-bottom pants were introduced by the Navy for that same purpose.) Those kind of cakes are still made today (see pictures) to encourage people to have a big “mass.”
At the end of the TV report, they said that, unfortunately, the people who made the discovery this did not see the actual particle, but only saw its shadow, which of course means we will have six more months of winter.

July 5, 2012 | Unregistered Commentermel

"I said BUNDT cake!" Obviously the baker of the last cake didn't garaute.

July 5, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterdoodlebug

@mel-As you may know, I am closely related to someone who might, someday, know something about physics. The introduction of bell-bottom pants was indeed related to the Navy's WeLoveBigButsAndWeCannotLie initiative. However, they were not intended as a reminder to build bigger bottoms. It was found that bell-bottom pants were more flattering to a "curvier" sailor and thus, improved self esteem. High self esteem=less loss of seamen=a robust Navy.

Thank you for your important contribution to this developing science/defense story and
enjoy the rest the winter!

July 5, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSuBee

After seeing the first cake, I immediately started thinking:

I like big cakes and I cannot lie.

July 5, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterRPainter

You guys are the best. I was feeling a little down this morning so I needed this... the cakes and the comments!

July 5, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterDegera

Great illustrations
of "convex" and "concave."
Teachable moments.

July 5, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterHaiku Joy

Sorry, I'm just not seeing a butt in the second picture. Animal nose perhaps. Cow or pig if you REALLY stare at it long enough.

July 5, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSharon's Edible Art

Hag's Bosom
Hips Blossom
Hats Bison
Hick's Bassoon
Hinge Boston
Hague's Bustin'
Hogs Button

July 5, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMore names! More!

I am laughing so hard that my abs hurt. Which shows you how much I work out.

I cannot believe that second photo is supposed to be a butt. If I saw one like that, I'd run screaming!

@mel and @zoomom: OMG. Now I get it!

@SuBee: As someone who worked at an academic medical center for 6 years and spent many tortuous hours trying to get researchers to speak in a language most humans could comprehend, I like yours best of all. ASSFest, indeed! Bwahahahahaha!

July 5, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterTLC

mel and SuBee: Brilliant
Doodlebug: snort
Haiku Joy: missed you!

July 5, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSharyn

Seriously--really--I'm begging you--what is the second cake? I can't be a butt! Other than the white-flesh color, there is NO resemblance! At first I thought it was 2 noses, then a pair of ears. Possibly a pair of those doughnuts that are twisted figure 8s. But a BUTT? How is that?

July 5, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterCloudy

Is there such a thing as "Junk-in-the-trunk Barbie"? 'Cause that is what comes to mind when I see the tiny waist and big booty on the first cake.

July 5, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterTrekkie Gal

"Fat bottom girls you make the rockin world go round!" **giggle**

On the second one I kept thinking how it sorta looks like a deformed whoopie cushion . . . . O-o

July 5, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterDarlene

Haiku Joy made me snortle :)

July 5, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMom A

1st one is for the new J-Lo Barbie... and the 2nd reminds me of 2 ear sculptures.. Hear no evil abt my butt?

July 5, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterNetasha

#2 - Must be an orange bell pepper, cut in half and spread out cause it doesn't resemble any nether regions I've seen before. Though why anyone would kiss one I have no idea!

#3 - Why in God's name would they use ketchup and mustard on a cake??? Oograts on Garaution? <wanders off muttering 'Why??'>

July 5, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterkayt

Inspired by the discovery and first cake...
What did one proton say to the other proton?
"Do these boson jeans make mass look too big?"

July 5, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSir Laffsalot

Boson schmoson, I'm still waiting for the dragons. They said there would be dragons!

July 5, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterTXRed

to paraphrase zoomom: let me sum up- you ALL win the interwebs today. O.M.G. I just wish school had been this fun (what can y'all do with math? I was always better in science than math.)

watched a show on body builders once and one was over-spray-tanned and his butt looked fairly close to cake #2 when he put his hind end to the judges and flexed to pose. me? I didn't know butts could flex so I was a little awed...

July 5, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBarbara Anne

Thank you, Sharyn! I probably will only be around sporadically until the new semester starts. I hope I didn't have anyone worried.

July 5, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterHaiku Joy

The second cake: I don't get it. Why would anyone want a cake of two deformed ears stuck together??

And yeah, zoomom's summary is fairly accurate!

July 5, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterErica

And here I thought it was "Higgs' bosom", thus expecting the 'T' rather than the 'A'.

Poor Higgs -- all these scientist-types have only just now succeeded in finding her bosom, and they're not even sure about it. I guess what they say about nerdy guys is true...

All seriousness aside, they'll never be sure. In the world of science, being sure means you stop getting paid to guess.

July 6, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterCraig

If that second cake is a butt it must be sat on a lot since it has some huge dimples lol. Wow at that graduation cake. If that was for me I think I would cry then eat the chocolate frosting off it. I am weird that way plus I can't skip chocolate..unless it looks like poop lol.

July 6, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterArlene

OK. So. In the words of the immortal Mr Pratchett: 'in the beginning, there was nothing, which went bang.' It now transpires that it went 'bang' because of this Hip Barman thingy. I can accept that as an explanation. Now, someone should set these boffins to studying wreckerators, because they are, to me, much harder to explain. Maybe we could fire one through that Harpoon Soupy Colander malarkey, see what comes out the other end?

July 6, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJoan

So THAT'S what that line from Sir Mix-a-lot's song "Baby got Back" means! "When a girl walks in with a itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face--"

July 6, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJabby

All I can see is ants crawling out of her "crass"...good thing she was wearing fly paper!

July 6, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMichelle

Seriously? My first thought of that butt cake was "why is she wearing a belt at the top of her dress?" Because that looks like her neck growing out of her butt.

July 6, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterRed

Oh wow, Red, I see it! Do you think that was what the original pan was, and it was just creatively frosted? And by "creatively," I mean, "garishly and horribly."

July 6, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterHaiku Joy

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