When John told me this week was Hate Week*, my first thought was, "Why do we even HAVE a hate week?" But I immediately realized:
BECAUSE CUPCAKE CAKES.
You see, sometimes I lay awake at night, afraid that you readers may STILL think cupcake cakes (patooie!) are not the spawn of Satan.
I'm afraid I've been too soft on these vile canker sores of civilized society. That you minions may even think - and this really scares me - that I'm only kidding.
IS THIS THE CCC (patooie!) OF A KIDDER?!
So this is it, minions. My last ditch Soap Box rant.
First, there's that "lovely lady lumps" texture:
And if your "cake" ISN'T pockmarked with pot holes, it's because your baker did this:
...to fill in all the gaps.
Bakers also use copious amounts of icing to stick the cupcakes in place:
That's copious amounts of icing you have to dig through with your fingers to get the cupcake wrappers off.
So please, tell me again how cupcake cakes (patooie!) are easier and cleaner to serve.
Next there's the whole "flattened by Judge Doom's steamroller" issue:
(If ONLY bakers had a way to make a perfectly round cake! [sob])
And since bakers can't get their cupcakes into any kind of recognizable shape, many have given up trying altogether:
What is it?
The world may never know.
...but this one looks kinda dirty.
Happily, big bakery chains have responded by taking a critical look at the (many) problems of CCCs (patooie!), carefully evaluating potential solutions...
...and then chucking more plastic on 'em.
But worst of all, minions - WORST of all - is the blatant, gleefully-kicking-us-while-we're-down cruelty represented in these particular abominations:
I'm talking about cupcake cakes (patooie!) disguised as REAL CAKES.
How do you light those candles? You don't. BECAUSE THIS WHOLE "CAKE" IS A LIE.
This is like when you really want a steak, and someone gives you a hamburger patty with a picture of a steak taped to it.
They're even making cupcake cakes (patooie!) of real cupcakes:
Which, ok, points for being totally meta, but otherwise?
Look, my friends, I'm not saying that America as we know it will collapse into a slag heap of ruin if you ever buy another cupcake cake.
But I'm not saying it WON'T, either.
So you think about that.
Thanks to Laurie G., Anna V., Sarah F., Deborah F., Lisa H., Cassandra T., Hillary H., Crystal, Michael G., Martina T., Chelsea, Tara C., Emily S., Julia K., & Paige C. for helping me write the longest CW post in the history of CW. John actually made me cut it down a bit. Because, oh yes, I HAVE MORE, PEOPLE .
*From George Orwell's 1984