BIRTHDAYS, am I right? They're just so... predictable. Every year like clockwork, the same old parties, the same cracks about getting old, the same legal notices advising you the restraining orders issued by your favorite boy band are still in effect...


So I say, if you can't beat 'em, make them worse for everyone else.

Like this!

Does it help or hurt that her name is Penny? Asking for a friend. Whose name is Penny.


You know how people love it when you call attention to their seasonal allergies?

Boo to the Ya.

("See, it's funny, because your health is poor and that constant sniffing annoys the rest of us! Did you get that? Oh, you did? Cool. Just wanted to make sure. )


I'll be honest, I don't think Willow needed to know this:



Now Willow, you can retaliate with THIS:

Bonus: this could be botched "cheapskate" OR it could be calling Kate cheap. Either way, I think we ALL come out winners here.


And finally, for those times when the words "You're a horse's a$$, Dad" just aren't enough:

There's this.

Or is that a donkey butt?

WAIT... no. Could it be? Is that...

Is that an ass's a$$?

YESSSSS. So is it like when you say someone is a "real man's man"? Meaning Dad here is a "real ass's a$$?"

I'm tearing up. It's so beautiful.


Thanks to Brandi D., Maryann S., Anony M., Jeannette M., & Anony T. who think I'm ridiculous for censoring one a$$ but not the other. Yes, yes I am. Now, bottom's up!


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