Wild Wreckdom

On the remote island of St. Kawkapuey lives the mysterious Cacapillar.

Often mistaken by tourists as monkey droppings, these sweet-smelling carnivorous insects are most often found in local baseball fields:

...and outdoor cooking grills:

A highly adaptable creature, the Cacapillar has learned to subsist on the island's most readily available diet: stale Funyuns and leftover Whiskey:

[Fun Fact: The population of St. Kawkapuey has the world's highest concentration of Karoake bars per person, and once declared a national "Hangover Day" to celebrate the season finale of Dancing With the Stars.]

Though outsiders find the cacapillar off-putting, locals consider it good luck to find one in their home. They also celebrate the warmer summer months, when the island's cacapillars encase themselves in shimmering golden cocoons:

...and then emerge, transformed, as the island's national mascot:

The Majestic All-Seeing Flutterturd

Which can grow to weigh as much as a whopping 25 pounds:

After cavorting in traffic and laying siege to local liqueur stores, the Flutterturds eventually complete their life cycles by dive-bombing into area vegetable gardens en masse:

There they provide excellent fertilizer, though locals admit the smell of whiskey can take several months to dissipate.

Thanks to Laura N., Michelle V., Chris W., Anony M., Holly L., Kimberly S., Kiana R., & Caprice A. for that giant piece of... information.

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P.S. I see you enjoy learning things. Might I interest you in this additional educational resource?

Farty Facts: An Illustrated Guide To The Science, History, And Art Of Farting

Yes it's a real book, I can't believe I have to clarify that. A worthy gift for all students of life, or for anyone who has a butt.

******

And from my other blog, Epbot:

GET ME A UNICORN CHASER! (Oh. Wait.)

[Note: Today's post contains a mildly bad word, because I put it in to make John laugh and then he said it was too funny to take out. Please parent accordingly.]

According to Urban Dictionary, a unicorn chaser is anything that "serves as a cleansing of the palate after a viewer has been subjected to a distasteful internet image or experience." If you've ever mistakenly clicked a link that showed you something really disgusting, like clown porn or those prairie dresses from Target, then you know what I'm talking about.

You used to be able to buy a Unicorn Chaser from ThinkGeek (RIP), thought they never mentioned what it tasted like. I'm guessing moonbeams and Oreo filling, because I can't imagine anything that tastes better than that, except maybe Oreo filling without the moonbeams. But it might taste like green Skittles, which would be disgusting, and then you'd need another chaser for your Unicorn chaser. Which would be both sad and kind of filling.

Look, my point is that these clouds look like shit:

No, wait. That wasn't my point at all.

My point is, Unicorn horns: Do they really need a point?

Or can they just be a giant lump like a cartoon head injury?
Or a large pile of bird doo-doo?

And do unicorns need heads, or can they just puke rainbows directly out of their necks?

Assuming they still have a horn jammed in there somewhere, I mean?

True Story: As I was typing "do unicorns need heads" just now, I could totally hear one of you saying, "Why would a unicorn need a bathroom at sea?" And I was all, "WAIT FOR ME TO FINISH THE QUESTION, IMAGINARY WISE-GUY READER." And then you were all, "Gee, sorry," and I was able to move on after eating a spoonful of Oreo filling for recovery purposes.

This unicorn-pooping-cupcakes cake is adorable, and I won't have any of you speaking a WORD against it.

Unless you want to comment on the wonky elongated nipple/leg. That I'd be ok with.

And finally, you know how when you visit a friend or relative, and you break something, and you just lay the broken bits down like they're not broken and hope nobody notices until a few days after you leave? No?

Ok, how about this:

You know how when you can't get a cake unicorn head to stand up on its own, so you just break it off and plop it back down on the body at an unnatural angle and pretend it's supposed to look like that?

o.0

[backing away slowly]

If anyone needs me, I'll just be over here eating Oreo fillings in the moonlight. Just as soon as I find a picture of the moon for my computer screen.

Hey Laura B., Andrea & Anne Marie, Joshanna R., Robin E., & Samantha S. - why the long face and creepy demon eyes?

*****

P.S. Oh! For you minions who have both a pool and a sense of style:

Unicorn Pool Float

YOUR STEED AWAITS

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And from my other blog, Epbot: