Purse Your Lips

"Encounter In A NYC Alley"
A play in one act.

***

"Hey pretty lady, how 'bout a genuine Prawda hand bag?

"100% genuine! Just six hundred dollars!"

"Wait, don't walk away! Hey, mister, don't you want your pretty wife to look pretty? Don't you love your wife? Doesn't your wife deserve Guchi?"

"Five hundred is my final offer, but my kids won't eat tonight!"

[chasing after couple]

"I see you have a discerning eye. Only the best for such distinguished customers!"

"Donny and Bork! $300 but my mom won't get her hip replacement!"

[grabbing wife by the ankles]

"Think of my sick cats! This is a genuine Coatch bag! Seven thousand dollars retail!"

"For you? $200. I'm literally giving it to you for that! I'm losing money!"

[wife now dragging seller across the sidewalk]

"Okay! I was saving this one for my cousin who has rabies but I'm willing to give it to you for just $100. It's a genuine Louise Vitton! You can tell by the zipper!"

...

"FINE! If you'll leave us alone, I'll give you ten bucks for the bag."

"You have literally murdered my children. This is an INSULT. I can't even LOOK at you anymore.

"...Gimme twelve and I'll throw in a free pair of Lowbootins."

"Deal."

Thanks to Kimberly C., Lourdes, Ruby R., Anony M., Sarah D., & Jill D. for knowing these shoes were made for wreckin' - and that they were supposed to be shoes in the first place. 0.o

*****

P.S. The season is rapidly approaching...

...to hang funny-but-menacing yard signs!
They're both metal, and only $8 for the set.

******

And from my other blog, Epbot:

Who Wore It Better: Thong Guy Or This Tube Of Lipstick?

What do you think, worst proposal ever?

I mean, it's misspelled and on a DONUT, for StayPuft's sake.

Then again, if they say no, I suppose you could claim it was a joke ("I just meant I'm really cheerful!") and eat the evidence super quick. So hey, silver lining.

I can't decide if this is an argument for more art in school, or less:

o.0

And hey, speaking of anatomically improbable figures:

Is his chin a pepper shaker?

And please tell me I'm not the only one squicked out by the thong-not-reaching-all-the-way-between-the-legs thing. YOUR THONG NEEDS BETTER SUPPORT, DUDE. Nobody wants all that flapping around and migratin' and whatnot.

(I know what you're thinking, and yes, I would be a terrible person to invite to your bachelorette party. I'd be the one handing out sweaters and Purell and asking if we can turn the music down.)

And finally, these segues practically write themselves, because someone ordered this MAC lipstick cake:

...but in leopard print. I have no idea why.

Anyway, Douglas Adams was right, y'all: BEWARE OF THE LEOPARD.

Especially when it's supposed to be leopard-spotted lipstick. Which, ostensibly, this is. [suspicious look] Yeeeeeah.

Thanks to Leah F., Tiassa, Naomie-Ruth, & Aviancee, who I'm still not sure I believe, but hey, I report, YOU DECIDE.

*****

P.S. For some reason I feel like your life needs more ridiculous pepper shakers in it, and OH LOOKIE HERE:

Elvira Salt & Pepper Shaker Set
That third image's gonna haunt me.

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot: