Completely Inappropriate First Birthday Cakes

I'm pretty sure most one-year-olds will never remember their first birthday cakes, which is why I'm here to provide an invaluable service: reminding little E.J. that her (yes, her) parents got her this:

Any guesses on what EJ will be getting for her 12th birthday?

Correct me if I'm wrong, parents, but I think age one is a little young for boys to be discovering their bananas, IF you know what I mean.

And if you don't, just look at this:

Don't worry, George, all monkeys get curious eventually.

Things I'm Pretty Sure One-Year-Olds Like:
- Cheerful colors
- Cute animals
- Putting things in their mouths
- Pooping

Thing I'm Pretty Sure One-Year-Olds Do NOT Like:
- Guys with guns
- Who are shooting cute animals

This next one isn't a first birthday cake; it's a christening cake. So little John was, what? A couple of days old maybe? Right. SOMEONE GET THAT KID A GUINNESS.

Honestly I don't know what all is happening here, or what in that mess is considered edible. And I think I spied a tiny plastic poodle in a Santa hat in front of that tree stump with a face before my brain broke.

(ACTUAL CONVERSATION I JUST HAD WITH JOHN:

John: [seeing cake] "What is THAT? Hahaha! He must be Irish, huh?"
Me: "What?! That is a terrible stereotype! How dare you!"
John: "There's a pot of gold and a shamrock."
Me: [looking] "Oh. Right. Ok, maybe they're Irish.")

"But you look good for your age, Levi. Really. And hey, one is the new six months! I read it in Vogue!"

Something here just doesn't add up.

And finally...

Please let his last name be Johnson. Please let his last name be Johnson. PleaselethislastnamebeJohnson.

Thanks to Anita T., Amy N., Jill B., Amber, D'arcy, Vinny A., & Melissa M. for the memorable first impressions.

*****

P.S. Speaking of things that are dirty, I have to introduce you to the handiest little kitchen gadget for under $8:

Dishwasher "Dirty/Clean" Slider Bar

The whole thing is magnetic, and it also comes with a double-sided adhesive for non-metallic machines. Also comes in black, and there's a prettier cursive option if you don't like the bright red/green!

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

Faulty Towers

Marisa F. writes,

"My sister-in-law had a beach destination wedding in Mexico, and decided that she loved this sand castle cake:"

"Upon speaking with the baker, she explained that she understood that the baker may not be able to recreate the cake exactly, but would be happy with something similar. The baker insisted that she could make a cake as equally beautiful. They agreed that the cake would be 3 tiers, with the sand castle on the top. 

"On the wedding day, she instead got 3 separate tiers, each topped with its own version of a flesh colored sand castle:

That door and window are what really sell it.

"Luckily, the Bride and guests have a great sense of humor, so the Penis Cake was the hit of the reception."

To be fair, they could also be mushrooms. Really happy, attentive mushrooms. 

[insert "fun guy" joke here]

"My sister-in-law was disappointed, of course, but even she had to laugh."

Wow, talk about a good-natured bride! I'm totally sending this to the next newly-wed who e-mails me complaining that her cake's shade of cerulean was a little off. PERSPECTIVE.

Oh, and here's the real kicker: 

"After the reception, they discovered that the 'castles' were merely frosting covered Styrofoam, so this cake topper now has a place of honor in the loving couple's home."

 Bwahahaa! Now that's my kind of wedding memento!

Thanks to Marisa for letting me use an epic John Cleese pun for the title, even if I couldn't think of any more Fawlty Towers jokes to work into the post. You must excuse me; I'm from Barcelona. (Ok, so that's ONE.)

*****

P.S. Do you wear glasses? Do you like flamingos? Like, a lot?

Pink Flamingo Eyeglass Holder

Because this is adorable.

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot: