My Other Blog

What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen

Completely Inappropriate First Birthday Cakes

I'm pretty sure most one-year-olds will never remember their first birthday cakes, which is why I'm here to provide an invaluable service: reminding little E.J. that her (yes, her) parents got her this:

Any guesses on what EJ will be getting for her 12th birthday?


Correct me if I'm wrong, parents, but I think age one is a little young for boys to be discovering their bananas, IF you know what I mean.

And if you don't, just look at this:

Don't worry, George, all monkeys get curious eventually.


Things I'm Pretty Sure One-Year-Olds Like:
- Cheerful colors
- Cute animals
- Putting things in their mouths
- Pooping

Thing I'm Pretty Sure One-Year-Olds Do NOT Like:
- Guys with guns
- Who are shooting cute animals


This next one isn't a first birthday cake; it's a christening cake. So little John was, what? A couple of days old maybe? Right. SOMEONE GET THAT KID A GUINNESS.

Honestly I don't know what all is happening here, or what in that mess is considered edible. And I think I spied a tiny plastic poodle in a Santa hat in front of that tree stump with a face before my brain broke.


John: [seeing cake] "What is THAT? Hahaha! He must be Irish, huh?"
Me: "What?! That is a terrible stereotype! How dare you!"
John: "There's a pot of gold and a shamrock."
Me: [looking] "Oh. Right. Ok, maybe they're Irish.")


"But you look good for your age, Levi. Really. And hey, one is the new six months! I read it in Vogue!"


Something here just doesn't add up.


And finally...

Please let his last name be Johnson. Please let his last name be Johnson. PleaselethislastnamebeJohnson.


Thanks to Anita T., Amy N., Jill B., Amber, D'arcy, Vinny A., & Melissa M. for the memorable first impressions.

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Reader Comments (73)

The "Over the Hill" cake could be for a baby who was sick and they didn't know if they would live past the first year. I hope it is that, because otherwise I have no explanation.
As for the baby sucking on a bottle of beer ---- there are just no words. O. M. G. !!!!!

March 1, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterMaureen

Blue stands his own ground
against the confetti hordes:
King of the cake hill.

March 1, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterHaiku Joy

That christening cake reminds me of a page straight out of Where's Waldo. The longer you look at it, the more random crap you discover!

March 1, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterAmanda H.

Sung to "One" from a Chorus Line

One cake abomination
At an inappropriate age
One thrilling fruit sensation
Track the moves the deer makes
One sip and suddenly formula Just. Won't. Do.
You know he'll never be lonely
With Santa Pooch
One moment 'til his presents
Then Levi can take a rest
Richie's cake is second best to ONE, Son.
Ooh, sigh, standing at attention
Do I really need to mention?
Peter's ----- ONE!

March 1, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterSharyn

"Any guesses on what EJ will be getting for her 12th birthday?"

How about, any guesses what career choice EJ will make when she's all grown up?

March 1, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterAngie

Perhaps that christening cake is for a blessed child being baptized into a religion unknown to us. Pots of gold and poodles and Guiness may be important symbols of the faith. That sign sticking out of the flower pot almost certainly presents some verse from the sacred text: Drink not of the guiness as you sit upon a throne of white lest ye bow down before the shamrock." That sort of thing.
Whatever it says, show that cake some respect. If there's one thing I've learned from posting here, it's don't mock something you don't understand or someone out there will threaten to cut you...

March 1, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterSuBee

I'm surprised that the only critique of "field and stream" cake is that it is inappropriate ... what about the fact that it says "Happy Birthday 1st"? I have to assume the squiggles where the name would go are due to the fact that the child is a relative of Prince, and therefore was just given a symbol for a name. And the 1 candle is on backwards ...

March 1, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterValerie

If the kid is going to drink that much Guinness at his age, good thing he's already sitting on a toilet. How big IS a baby's bladder any way?

March 1, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterFM

As the mom of boys, I can attest that age one is not too old to have discovered bananas. I think it started at about 8 mos~ the diaper would come off (during a change, or, you know, because they also discovered how velcro tabs worked, too), and the hands would automatically grab on for dear life.

I never thought to go with THAT as the first birthday theme, however. And there were monkeys on that cake! I think that is known as a missed opportunity. ~C

March 1, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterChris

Actually, as the mother of three boys, I can tell you that one is about the age when they discover their bananas. Really, the very second that diaper comes off, their hands are down there. It was even their favorite bath toy. just fyi.

March 1, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterKirsten

And a backwards 1 candle. . .

first birthday cake wrecks
bananas, gun, guiness, hill
all so very wrong

March 1, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterLizziebeth

Sorry to be the first to point out the blatantly obvious; the but the poor drinking kid's birthday was ST PATRICK'S DAY. See, it's even written on it. That explains the Guinness, the clover, the pot of gold...but still leaves in the nagging question of the Santa. Unless that is the best they could do for a leprechaun? And, that MAY be a lucky horseshoe, but it bears an uncanny resemblance to the molds orthodontists use for making braces.**Shudder**

The hunting cake must be a so-called "tribute" cake to the dad. Kind of like "Little SJ will be a chip off the old block; he'll be a hunter, too!" @-@ Rolls eyes.

Sharyn..snortingly funny! Awesome as always. :-D

The christening cake is so confusing to me. Does christening mean something different than what I think it means? What's with the wishing well? Why is there a Moai (at least, I think it's a Moai) sitting next to the beer drinking baby on his shell throne? Horseshoes and shamrocks for good luck? I don't get it. If someone understands, can they please explain? Because I'm seriously confused.

On the flip side, if you get lucky charms and Guinness when you get baptized, that is TOTALLY a religion I want to check out.

March 1, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterMelonie

Well, the Christening cake has the date 17 March, which anyone with a drop of Irish blood knows is St. Patrick's Day. Too bad the bottle wasn't green.

March 1, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterIrish Lass

Could the over the hill cake refer to a nursery rhyme or childs story?

I seem to remember the line, over the hill and far a way…something. something etc.

March 1, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterMiss Me

I kind of love the "over the hill" cake. I'm the dope that would do that sort of thing. :) Anyone notice the leprechaun hiding behind the tiki stump?

March 1, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterKat

#4 - i guess that's what happens when you christen your baby on st patrick's day?
i think the poodle is actually a leprechaun? maybe? it would fit right in with all of the other ridiculous st. patrick's day imagery. though i could have sworn ireland was that emerald isle and not the vomit-y brown isle.

March 1, 2013 | Unregistered Commenter54

Yep, many little monkeys discover the fun of playing with a banana even before they reach the ripe old age of six months.

Ah well, at this age I'd rather they play with that than shoot firearms at woodland creatures, or guzzle Guiness. Plenty of time for that once they are over age 5 and finally stopped grabbing at mom's hooters for snack time. ;)

March 1, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterKat

I'm afraid I know a Peter Johnson -- new image now.

March 1, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterDeila

But... but... but...
I'm really trying to understand these but it hurts my head. The longer I look at the Irish Christening cake the more things I think I see. The leaf (???) looks kinda like a weird green bird. If you squint your eyes... after you spin around in your chair 5 times really fast.
As for poor Peter, that boy's got a lot to live up to! O.O

@SuBee ~ You're right! We all better watch our back!!
@mel ~ Hope you're feeling better!
@Haiku Joy ~ Thanks for the very deep to the soul information. That's why we love you :-)

March 1, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterJodee in WA

For some reason, the "Happy Birthday 1st" bothers me more than getting a Bambi-life-lesson cake for a one year old.

(I know, I know, there's so much more to criticize about the cake, too... the 1 candle is backwards, there's no explanation for outlining the main river, the random tributary, the inability to follow the shoreline with the grass/shrubbery... Jen you really have a "what not to do" lesson on your hands on so many levels. I foresee this in many other posts.)

March 1, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterPuppygirl

Maybe it's "over the hill and through the woods to grandmother's house we go"?

March 1, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterPuppygirl

I thought I had something to add to the conversation, but someone beat me to all of it: Boys and their bananas, poor little first S. J. with his backward candle, all of it. But what's with the floating canonballs on that over the hill cake?

March 1, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterLDM

Technically, there are 4D ultrasounds of fetuses discovering their 'bananas.' Yep, as soon as the nerves develop, so does the pleasure. XD

March 1, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterJen

If Peter's surname isn't "Johnson", it should be. Dangit.

And I'm pretty sure 12 isn't too young for a male stripper. No, really. HOnest... The DCPS people told me so. (Or maybe it was the voices - I get them confused, sometimes... And they mostly come out at night. Mostly...).

March 1, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterBADKarma

@ Miss Me, I think you're remembering the Five Little Ducks song:
Five litte ducks went out to play,
Over the hills and far away
When the mama duck said
"Quack, quack, quack"
Four little ducks came waddling back.

You lose a little duck with each verse until the daddy duck quacks a lot louder and they all come back. And I can't believe my memories of preschool are that vivid.

I can understand a St. Patrick's day theme for a christening on March 17th, but why couldn't they just stick to shamrocks and leprechauns and skip the baby with the giant Guinness? My (Irish) family always jokes that the Irish get started young, but there's no need to advertise it!

And why, if you named your son Peter, would you order him a cake that has any chance whatsoever of looking like...well...a peter?

March 1, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterKate

Over the hill and far awayTelletubbies come to play...?

March 1, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterTinky Winky

Ha Ha! I wrote a story once with a character named Peter Johnson. He claimed his mother named him "dick" twice. No one in my group got the joke. :((

March 1, 2013 | Unregistered Commenterwordphreak

I hope E.J.'s party had some good hot wings. That's the "I read it for the articles" of Hooter's, right?

I'm going to guess that the backwards 1 is so that people standing on the other side of the cake can tell how old he is.

March 1, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterNyperold

Other "appropriate" surnames include Wiener and Dick.

March 1, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterClassic Steve

Wait a minute!!! Look closely at that monkey cake cuz the guy in the background looks like he's grabbing HIS banana too! I am now a fruit vegan.

March 1, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterLaxmom

Oh!! If only this post was one week earlier! My baby's first birthday was last weekend! So many good ideas!

March 1, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterShannon

The electric slide straight from Mardi Gras to St. Patricks's, the baby king is now on his throne and trading all those delightful sangrias and punches for stout Guinness.

Say, can anybody tell if that little critter in front of the horseshoe is? I see a monkey or jiminy cricket in a fur collar coat and lavender skirt

March 1, 2013 | Unregistered Commentermsyendor

At least Peter Johnson (son of John Thomas)'s cake decoration has a wide, flanged base. One is too early for those embarrassing trips to the emergency room (Things I Learn From My Patients is the best forum ever).

March 1, 2013 | Unregistered Commenterkhereva

" Tom, Tom, he was a piper's son,
He learned to play when he was young.
And all the tune that he could play
Was over the hills and far away;
Over the hills is a great way off.
The wind shall blow my top-knot off."

maybe the dotted line is wind?

March 1, 2013 | Unregistered Commenterspel chek

#1 Perhaps this was a phone order (with a bad connection), and the customer is from Indiana. If I advance a snarkier theory, sure as...well, anything, the real customer will chime in with some perfectly innocent explanation that leaves me feeling like a rampaging Hun.

#2 That guy in the background is striking an amazingly similar pose. Moving right along...

#3 Amused, I am. For openers, it seems this cake was edited several times. One can only imagine what the earlier versions were like. We have a literal: a stream in a field. I really like the realism of how the stream intersects the river at right angles. The cute animal is actually a stationary target, and what people take to be a backward '1' is really a flag showing wind direction. Thus, this is a practice range. Elmer, there needs the practice, too -- if he were to actually fire using that grip, the rifle would wind up about 20 feet behind him.

#4 Oh, Saint Patrick's day. That explains the jungle backdrop, the sand and water, the 'throne' and of course, the tiki. Maybe all of those things were just inferences following on the fact that Patrick ministered in Ireland, which is an island.

#5 My, look at those little swimmers go! Maybe Richie (or is it "Ridaic"?) has a twin of the same name who preceded him.

#6 I read this literally and came up with two possibilities. One is a really unfortunate medical condition, but the other is the world's longest running children's show: Blue Peter (thanks, Wikipedia!).

March 1, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterCraig

khereva - Thanks. I can never unsee that. Time for my Third Eye's date with a spork...

March 1, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterBADKarma

My little monkey was playing with his banana IN UTERO. It was a truly heartwarming moment.

March 1, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterJoni

My son's last name is Johnson and there were to be no first names starting with "B", nor any slang names referring to male junk of any kind!!

March 1, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterErika F

If you look closely at the pic of the baby w/ giant Guinness bottle, to the right of the pic there is a little leprechaun passed out behind the "tree stump" :)

March 1, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterMelanie

My brother in law and his wife have been celebrating their kids' birthdays at Hooters since they were 1. Um... yeah.

March 1, 2013 | Unregistered Commenteranonymous

Ahem, here I go...

Cake #1 - Not actually that bad, but... SERIOUSLY? WHAT THE HECK??? HOO did this???

Cake #2 - ...hey, it can always get worse, you know. What if they put some filling in that "banana"? Do the math.

Cake #4 - To me, it looks like the baby is inhaling the guinness. As for the baker and/or the parents, I guinness guess they also inhaled something. Maybe not exactly alcoholic, but worked just as well (if it is possible to say such a thing);

Cake #5 - Aww, perhaps the drawing is not that great, but, aside from that, it is a rather nice cake;

Cake #6 - Yeah, Happy 1... uh, 2... hey, Jen, that's a CCC, just for YOU (tee hee hee)!!!

March 1, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterGutz Grilla

Ode to a Blue Sprinkle on a Snow Covered Mountain on an Over The Hill Cake

I see you out there, all alone... so blue
that blue, BLUE DOT on that unblemished white
so proud!

March 1, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterDegera

I have a friend named Peter Johnson! (I just wish his middle name was Richard)

March 1, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterKayla F

Cake #1: It's probably a new hooters restaurant celebrating it's first year in Biz. We did this for a horse stable I ran- had a cake to celebrate with all the employees but we had the baker write "Celebrating Our 1st Year".
Cake #2: I think the monkey is a little weird but hey... what ever floats your bananas.
Cake #3: All I can say is... poor kid. *sigh*
Cake #4: That's just messed up... I can't even go there.
Cake #5: Levi's 51st birthday maybe? I mean I stopped counting after my 30th birthday and decided to start all over. BTW I'll be 10 this year :)
Cake #6: When will people learn that "cupcake" cakes- rarely work even IF you get the math right.
Cake #7: I can just picture family and friends gathered around... whispers abounding "is that a penis cake?" ... "looks like it is"... gasp... "are they trying to tell us something here?"... "what does it MEAN?"...

March 1, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterKJSM

The candle on the deer hunting cake is backwards. Everyone pretty much covered everything else I was gonna add. That Christening cake...... shaking head..... UGH!! (And way to go, Sharyn, of course!)

March 1, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterGroovy Girl

So what does the technician say to the mother as they peek in together on the little one's playful discoveries? "Aww, so precocious!"

March 1, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterHaiku Joy

You notice that Guinness baby is not messing around with his banana! There's a lesson there, parents. I'm just sayin'.

Looks like EJ's parents have her career path all laid out for her. No need to save for college, but if Mother Nature is not generous they might want to see if there are 529 plans for breast augmentation.

March 1, 2013 | Unregistered Commenterpikkewyntjie

The hunting cake has the 1 on backwards, too.

March 1, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterMaria

Re: last picture

Years ago, my work required me to phone someone named Richard Johnson. This was every conversation we had:

Me: Richard Johnson, please.
Him: Please, call me Dick.

March 1, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterTrudy

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