Peek-A-WHO?!

Sometimes when I'm bemoaning the fact that most cakes today are just plastic flotsam delivery vehicles...

Here's your cake, enjoy! Just don't try to eat that thing. Or that one. Or that. Or that. Or that. Or that. Or that. Or that. Or that. Or that. 

...Or that.

...I remember there's a REASON bakers rely so heavily on flotsam and toys:

Nemo? More like Ne-NO, am I right? 

[Ba-dum-CHA!]

I... I think this is supposed to be Spider-Man:

Hold me.

Now, see, this would have been perfect if the customer had actually ASKED for a zombie-fied Spongebob:

As it is, I'm pretty sure little Levi needs therapy now.

This Darth Vader cookie is so ridiculously pathetic that I actually kind of love it:

(At least, I hope it's Vader. If not, then I'm never getting those thirty seconds of squinting back. Never EVER, you guys.)

Seriously, it's so bad I want to hug it. 

And I like how the baker just gave up on the other cookie cakes, like she was all, "YOU GET VADER OR YOU GET NOTHING."

And finally, let's end with a little mystery:

WHAT THE HECK IS THIS?

Please, you guys, I have to know.

It says "Where Kermet," so of course my first thought was Kermit the Frog. But it's blonde and has four eyes with a giant red clown nose. Or is the red thing its mouth? And why "Where Kermet?" Where Kermet what? Where he stores his wigs? Where he met his untimely demise? 

I went back to Holly J.'s original e-mail, seeking answers, and was delighted to find she'd included a few more angles of the mystery:

....

Well, THAT clears things ups, doesn't it? 0.o

 Hang on. Holly says she thinks this is... MISS PIGGY!? Really? I mean, I guess she must be right, but... How. HOW. How is this possible?

I will not rest until I have answers!

Or until I get tired. Or John gets back with our burritos.

But otherwise, TOTALLY NOT RESTING.

Thanks to Sabrina, Kristen O., Sean K., Patrice D., Tori S., & Holly J. for pointing out today's character flaws. We know it's only because you care, guys.

*****

P.S. Good news, there's a Volume 2!

Exceptionally Bad Dad Jokes, Vol II

This one has the word "spiffing" in the title AND comes with a lovely green-and-gold cover, so folks will recognize your sophisticated taste while begging you to stop telling these terrible, TERRIBLE jokes.

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

Completely Inappropriate First Birthday Cakes

I'm pretty sure most one-year-olds will never remember their first birthday cakes, which is why I'm here to provide an invaluable service: reminding little E.J. that her (yes, her) parents got her this:

Any guesses on what EJ will be getting for her 12th birthday?

Correct me if I'm wrong, parents, but I think age one is a little young for boys to be discovering their bananas, IF you know what I mean.

And if you don't, just look at this:

Don't worry, George, all monkeys get curious eventually.

Things I'm Pretty Sure One-Year-Olds Like:
- Cheerful colors
- Cute animals
- Putting things in their mouths
- Pooping

Thing I'm Pretty Sure One-Year-Olds Do NOT Like:
- Guys with guns
- Who are shooting cute animals

This next one isn't a first birthday cake; it's a christening cake. So little John was, what? A couple of days old maybe? Right. SOMEONE GET THAT KID A GUINNESS.

Honestly I don't know what all is happening here, or what in that mess is considered edible. And I think I spied a tiny plastic poodle in a Santa hat in front of that tree stump with a face before my brain broke.

(ACTUAL CONVERSATION I JUST HAD WITH JOHN:

John: [seeing cake] "What is THAT? Hahaha! He must be Irish, huh?"
Me: "What?! That is a terrible stereotype! How dare you!"
John: "There's a pot of gold and a shamrock."
Me: [looking] "Oh. Right. Ok, maybe they're Irish.")

"But you look good for your age, Levi. Really. And hey, one is the new six months! I read it in Vogue!"

Something here just doesn't add up.

And finally...

Please let his last name be Johnson. Please let his last name be Johnson. PleaselethislastnamebeJohnson.

Thanks to Anita T., Amy N., Jill B., Amber, D'arcy, Vinny A., & Melissa M. for the memorable first impressions.

*****

P.S. Speaking of things that are dirty, I have to introduce you to the handiest little kitchen gadget for under $8:

Dishwasher "Dirty/Clean" Slider Bar

The whole thing is magnetic, and it also comes with a double-sided adhesive for non-metallic machines. Also comes in black, and there's a prettier cursive option if you don't like the bright red/green!

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot: