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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen
Thursday
Mar052009

This One's for the Girls

(ATTENTION MOMS: this post may be mildly inappropriate for young children.)

Alright ladies, it's OUR turn.

That's right: it's time to turn the tables on all those chauvinistic guys who order the boob or butt cakes, rendering the female form as nothing more than an object - and an edible one at that! It's time to ogle the MALE form in cake for once, and show them how it feels! You heard me, gentlemen: prepare... to be objectified!! [rubbing hands together] Heheheh. This is gonna be awesome.

Ok, let's start the show!

First up, ladies, check out this sexy little...

Oh.

["Urp"ing noise]

Sorry, sorry. Uh, yeah, Julie B.? This one's really not doing anything for me. In fact, the neck hump area is kind of grossing me out.

Not to worry, though; there's more where that came from. Next!

Huh.

Um, Donna B., not that I don't appreciate the liberal use of painted-on under-arm hair (and other hair which I was kind enough to cover - you're welcome) and the whole "good luck on your wedding night" sentiment, but again, this is really having more of the opposite effect on me. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that it looks like the chest of a pasty-white prepubescent.

Ohhhkay. Now I just creeped myself out, looking at this. [averting eyes] Next! NEXT!!

Whoa! I think we just went to the other extreme; this guys looks to be about 70. And is it just me, or does he have a bunch of raisins on his chest? That, or his chest hair has gone all matted and clumpy. [gagging] Rapidly. Losing. Appetite.

By the way, Amanda E., not that I'm complaining, but I don't think he has any nipples. Again, NOT complaining. Really. Put those raisins down, woman!

Oh, look: Tam & Annabel found Mr. Heard-it-through-the-grapevine's bottom half, and it begs the question...

Is acupuncture ever a good package deal? Just wondering.

Ok, this is ridiculous. I don't feel like we've objectified any guys at all with these cakes! Sarah W., you're our last hope. Bring it, sistah.

Aaaugh!! My eyes! My seared, bleeding eyes!

What this headless, neckless, armless, and legless torso lacks in limbs it certainly makes up for with day-glo orange streakiness. Not to mention that it exudes a kind of sinister intelligence: I swear it's looking at me.

In fact, here's a hypothetical for y'all: You get up in the middle of the night, and turn suddenly to find this cake hopping along behind you. Do you:

a) scream b) laugh c) grab a fork or d) all of the above?

[sigh] Well, ladies, I'm sorry: our quest to objectify men using cakes has failed. But on the bright side, we'll always have Tom Selleck - right?

« Great Wrecks in History | Main | Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow »

Reader Comments (146)

I feel SO traumatized!

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

This reminds me of the Naughty Baker in Madison, Wisconsin - definitely not wrecky and definitely tongue-in-cheek...

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterWinona

I... erm... um... *urp*

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermimiheart

2 words

eye bleach

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAmy

I think the guy who was the moddel for the yellow shorts danced at my friends bachlorette (sp?) party and let me tell ya cutting off his face is a good thing. Cutting off his whole torso seems a bit much though.

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDani

B-day cakes for cannibals?

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMarie

My question is... why is Eamon getting an acupuncture penis cake? (Of course, Eamon is the name of my cousin's 2 yr old son... so I'm picturing little mischievious Eamon diving into that cake... it's a bit disturbing)

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRecoveringActor

#3 looks like (a scaled down version of) a BMX bike track near me. I really can't see anything else in that photo. It's a couple of dirt dunes and other terrain. Yup.

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterGaladriel

Amazing and wonderful. I laughed so hard I shot milk out my nose. And...the last time I drank milk was 6 last night.

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterViewtiful_Justin

Okay, I'm so very, very disturbed...and confused with the shorts cake. Is Eamon a BOY??

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKaren

UM....well, the acupuncture "package" is of questionable origin. I think it's wearing a codpiece. LOL

And the armless, legless torso? Looks to be taken off a package of underwear.
~AmyB

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAmy

Ugh, I'm feeling sick. The last cake looks like ET's cousin!

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLisa

MY EYES MY PRECIOUS EYES!!!
I was reading and then I looked at the next picture and I said " Oh my God are those freakin raisin?!" How freakin gross...raisins on a cake?! as chest hair?! Oh and thank you very very much for covering those extra curly painted on hairs...I'm half way laughing and crying because I don't know what to say! It's just so WRONG!!!

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterChrista

Clearly cake #2 was made for a Twilight fan. I mean, the extreme paleness and complete lack of muscles??? Who else could it be but Edward Cullen?

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSystem of Aurora

I just want to thank you for providing a funny in my day! I teach junuior high and at lunch everyday I come here for smile!

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterOnyx

The hair. Eww, eww, eww.

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRose Pressey

I was laughing and gagging at the same time with these cakes. So wrong...

I have to wonder, who gets the bulge on the yellow cake?

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRedd

you know... with the right kind of airbrushing (yes, i said it) you could almost make that first one into a passable Plo Kloon cake... google it ladies.

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterThe Ferber Family

* sigh * I had such hope for this posting, but these are so much worse than even the Tom Selleck cakes!

It kinda makes me wonder how these would have turned out if they were made as cupcake cakes...

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRobert

i honestly believe that those are the creepiest cakes i've ever seen on this site.

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermikaseven

Bwaaaaahahahahahahahahahaha! You made my whole morning. I'll be laughing all day. (And using eye bleach.)

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSister Pottymouth

Ahahaha! I love the last one. And yes...yes it does appear to be staring at me. But I would totally grab a fork and chow down on it if it appeared in my house. Looks like a lot of icing. Gotta love that icing.

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAshley

Thank Jen, now I'm going to have nightmares about a headless cake hobbling after me down dark corridors.

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Nope. No words. I am rendered speechless. And that has *NEVER* happened before.

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDebbi

What is it called when the kitchen trashcan is filled with 30 plates of untouched pieces of one of these cakes? A crime scene?

Word verification is "excreime"--these are excreimely horrible? These made me excreime? Argh! I think I'm going to excreime!!

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered Commentersidewalk driver

OMG! the first cake is clearly Weight Watcher's Hungry, shaved.

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterVembaTsith

I think Eamon is really 9. If you look closely, (I know, I know), there is what looks like a candle divot on the "cupcake". Maybe it marks 9 years since Eamon came out of the closet?

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJulie in Arlington

Thank you for editing!!! No one really wanted to see the extra hair.

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Pubic hair (real or decorative of any variety) is simply unacceptable on ANY cake! But it made me spit out my coffee laughing about it! BUWHAHAHA!!1

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSteph

ooh, i'll take a piece with armpit hair! *grabs dental floss in preparation*

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterlinz

#3 is clearly a topography map of the beautiful foothills of North Carolina... really.

WF- rechi
"Excuse me while I rechi from looking at these cakes"

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterFluffy Cow

This just proves again that our bodies are hideous. Even in their "idealized" forms, we just don't look like something people want to ogle.

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAndrew

My stomach hurts from laughing. You write so dang wonderfully. Seriously...I hope you're making money from this, 'cause on my Google Reader when you come up I actually think 'GOODY!!!'

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterEmily

Oh. My. I've seen crime scene photographs that look distressingly like these cakes...Jeffery Dahmer is coming to mind right now. I know I want my cake to make me think of cannibalistic serial killers...yummy maimed torso.

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTheWickedGingersnap

the nipples--oh! the nipples!

ick, ick, ICK!

these cakes make you appreciate the REAL male figure, hey?

there. men have been objectified in my mind...in SPITE of these cakes.

oh, and the boxer briefs/acupuncture one? NAST!

i just threw up in my mouth. a little bit more with each cake. lunch is SO over

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDangGina

The 'Eamon' cake was for an Australian Olympic swimmer, guys, so yep, he's a boy! He was declared the "face" of some underwear brand, so at a store opening the company had this cake made.

Obviously, none of that makes it any less hilarious.

:)

Oh, and @Viewtiful Justin: you gave me a literal LOL with your comment - thanks.

I'm also laughing at all you WOMEN telling me to bring the boobies back. You just stay tuned, ladies...

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJen

Cake #3 - remember those little black scarabs in The Mummy -- Aaaugh! 'Death is only the beginning...'

WV: Muslyzat -- Muslyzat is deeesgusting!

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermsyendor

That last one kinda reminds me of that old joke..
What do you call a man with no arms, no legs, no head and no torso?
.
.
.
.
.
.
Dick.

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterErinGoBarnCurlies

Why no arms anywhere?

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJenn

The one pale body cake looks really dead

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMella

Gag!!!!!!!!!! :O

See, women's bodies in cake are just sooo much easier - slap some icing on a 1/2 round cake out of a soccer ball mold & wala! boobies and/or butt! LOL. Men's bodies, it seems, are made from those cupcake cake molds you get at Wal-Mart. :P

Oh, and thanks so much for the "cake torso sneaking up on you in the dark" imagery, Jen. No, really.

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

GACK!!!UCK, UCK, UCK (Kitty upchucking noises)

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterwolfmom

This is hands down the worst assemblage of Wrecks ever. I applaud your hardiness in being able to hold off upchucking long enough to actually post the damned things.

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSpinner

Oh, dear sweet baby Jesus in the manger! There are no words! Now, pardon me while I go pluck out my eyes with a pickle fork. Thanks for the memories, Cake Wrecks!

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered Commenteronlinepastrychef

Oh... oh my word. I can honestly say none of the other cakes I've seen on this blog have grossed me out to the extent that these did. What the hell?

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCallisto

After looking at it twice, you know what I think the last one looks like? n angry giant squid in a red miniskirt. Can anyone else see this?

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Ow! Ow! Ow! My poor eyes. I'll start reading your blog again when I get out of all the therapy I'm going to need after seeing these wrecks. Good thing men don't actually "look" like that... although if they did, it would probably solve some of the global over-population problems. Yikes!

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

More torso jokes:

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool?

Bob.


What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a hole?

Phil.


What do you call a man with no arms and no legs next to a hole?

Doug.


What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall?

Art.


What do you call a man with no arms and no legs and no tongue hanging on a wall?

Tasteless Art.

HEEHEEHEE.

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnnaSpringer

Regarding that yellow-shorts cake: How many people, upon seeing it, caught themselves saying, "I'd like a piece of THAT!"

Yeah. Didn't think so.

I mean really... How *does* one go about cutting that particular bulge?

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterChris F

Oh good gods. o.o I think I just threw up in my mouth a little. I'll take the Tom Selleck cake over this crap any day.

March 5, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterksaldria

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