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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen
Wednesday
Nov162011

Wrecky Replay: This'll Cure that Freaky Fetish

Well, not THAT one - what do you take me for, a miracle-worker? Sheesh.

No, I mean the one with the footsies. And don't try to deny it, 'cuz I know you're out there: loitering around the pedicure station, being overly helpful at the Payless, getting WAY too excited about peep-toe pumps coming back into style - yeah, you know who you are. Well, my foot-fondling friends, it's time for a little sole searching.

And for the rest of you: put down that coffee and prepare to skip breakfast (or possibly revisit it, depending on your constitution).

This is a groom's cake, which begs the question: is the groom really that enamored with his own toe hair? And I know there's no good way to show severed appendages, but those ankle stumps are freaking me out juuust a little.

Side note: The words "cake" and "ankle stumps" should never, EVER, be used to describe the same thing.

 

Hahahahahaha! See, it's like a dead person's feet! With a toe tag! To remind you of your own mortality! Isn't that hysterical? Hahhahahaha!

Right. Two things:
1) What's up with the blue drapey bits?
2) Just for fun, try to imagine the position you'd have to be in to get your feet at that angle.

 

There is only one word to describe this next one:

AAAAUUUUGGGHHH!!!

Yep, that sums it up nicely, I think.

 

Then there's the delectable world of toe fungus, which I think you'll all agree is not only a great ice-breaker at parties ("Hey, wanna see something cool?"), but also really hits the spot come dessert time.

That Dr. Pachman, he's such a fun guy, don't you think? Eh? Fungi? Eh? Booyah!

I'm not sure why he would order a "cake" made from upholstery foam, though: that somehow detracts from the otherwise yummy-looking toenails.

Side note: Dr. Pachman is quite possibly the coolest doctor name ever. Right up there with Dr. Spaceman.


Ok, guys, this is it: time for the most disgusting, fungus-riddled foot cake mine eyes have seen. Proceed with extreme caution and strong intestinal fortitude.

Urp.

What's more horrifying: the green bugs crawling under the toenails...[pausing to swallow repeatedly]...or the fact that this is for a girl? Poor Teresa: I don't think the pretty pink icing nearly makes up for that yellowish... gelatinous...layer....

[sound of running feet]

UPDATE: Whew! Sorry, folks: my constitution just gave out, if you catch my drift. On the plus side, I just may lose those 5 pounds this week!

 

Hey, Sara S., Julie R., Christina B., and Jessica M., it's time to cut loose. Foot loose.

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Reader Comments (59)

The important question about the last cake is: Are those green bugs edible?

November 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSun

Dr. Pachman is a fun guy/ fungi...

Thank you! You have successfully reminded me of one of my favorite teachers, Mr. Alge, who taught me Latin. Our cliche joke line on him was in fact, "Mr. Alge is a fungi." Imprecise, but hysterical when you're a teenager.

Oh, and lovely to see you in Austin last night!

November 16, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterkhereva

WAY too many ankle stumps in there --- and I agree, "cake" and "ankle stump" should never be used together.

November 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterDonkaloosa

well one things for sure, I will never order a foot cake, so wrong!

November 16, 2011 | Unregistered Commentersue

Hey! I'm trying to eat my breakfast here! Seriously, the toe fungus cake was the most stomach-churning thing I've seen you post. It surpasses all the disgusting baby cakes. It's also got a giant bunion and an incredibly dirty black bottom. All the worst things any podiatrist has ever seen, I guess. No wonder Dr. Pachman is leaving.

November 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLora

I had a Dr. Patient and my personal fav, my old dentist, Dr. Daniel Daniel Daniel. Yup same name for first, middle and last.

November 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterChrystle

I'm trying to imagine the cake directions on that last one, . . .”make little green fungus bugs like that commercial with the bugs eating the toenails, yeah, that one, oh, she'll love it, it'll remind her of the athlete's foot she caught at the city pool, oh, it was hysterical all that spray and powder and how she had to wear sneakers to the prom, oooh make it look really gushy! My friend? Oh, no, she's the girl who beat me out for Homecoming Queen.”

November 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAdoAnnie

It's the yellow piping gel on the toenails of the last one that did me in.

November 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAuntie Meme

That 3rd one is extremely well executed but.... Ick

November 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJenn

On the photo of Dr. Pachman's cake there is, what appears to be, an order number and description:
"U-127 - 3D Foot with Fungi Toenail"
Is this a stock cake? Can you look through a catalog and choose this one particular horrendous cake? How many people would be in need of this?

I love Dr. Spaceman. I've had doctors almost as professional as he is. I don't know if Dr. Pachman can compare.

November 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSuBee

How to get your soles
at 90 degrees? Try the
Dissected Frog Pose.

November 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterHaiku Joy

Ughhh. Often times I'll spew my coffee over wrecks but this collection earns a different sp.... well, you know.

Another important question: has there ever been a "foot" cake that wasn't a wreck?

November 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAmanda

Check out that gold foil cakeboard on the first one (anything to avoid looking at the cake itself). Classy!

@Sun: Given the way they're melting into the rest of the cake, I certainly hope so.

November 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterNaomi

I got within fifteen feet of this toe cake, but the crowd was so thick I only saw it through the screen on the camcorder of someone standing on a chair next to me.

I could have pushed forward and tried to get a piece when they cut it, but I decided I'd rather breathe, so I left.

November 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterGeorge P

While the Meta-toe-sal thing is weird--honestly, it's a really well done cake.
I'd go double check--in case maybe it's NOT well done--but I can't risk scrolling up past the green fungus bugs.

November 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMary Connealy

I believe in the ballet world it's called First Position ;P

November 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterStephanie

The sad part is that these are pretty well done but what occasion calls for a foot cake??? D: The one with the bugs reminds of that ad for fungus medicine I used to see O_o

November 16, 2011 | Unregistered Commentermindy1

"What's up with the blue drapey bits?", you ask?
Well, during the autopsy, I asked for the feet for a...let's say a *project* I'm working on. They were okay with that, but thought it more respectful if some of the covering went with them, and insisted.
Kinda like when you grab a bag of chips at a mini-mart, and they ask if you want the receipt, and you say "Nah," and they act like they don't know what to do with it...y'know?

@ Wayne's toe: Is that a cramp, or are you just happy to see me?

November 16, 2011 | Unregistered Commenter~anamorous~

Okay, I'm probably the only one not grossed out by these. Instead, I was laughing hysterically. Thanks for the laughs!

November 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSusan

Gotta say I liked the Wayne's Toe cake. Excellently executed, and very funny at 2am if you are a nurse. The rest were horribly frightening, but I wish someone had cared enough about ME to have such a creative cake made at least ONE of the times (4) that I've broken a toe.

November 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterNICU RN

@ NICU RN:

Awww...! You've broken a toe FOUR times? Was it the same toe each time, four different toes, or some other configuration? Whatever--you SHOULD have had toe cake!
Maybe you should drop something heavy on one of your coworkers' feet (aim for the toes)--make him/her a cake, and hope they get the freaking hint.
You know...for the next time it happens to you.
'Cause it sounds like you're accident-prone. ; )

November 16, 2011 | Unregistered Commenter~anamorous~

I had my feet in that position when they x-rayed my hips! It was one of the harder poses to stay still in. Not to mention that I spent the whole time thinking I was going to need to change my name to Kermit if I stayed that way much longer.

November 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterVarika

That's not hair on the first one. Those charred bits are all that is left of the rest of the body after being exposed to high levels of radiation. Hence, the glowing orange feet.

November 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAndrea

Having just had bilateral knee surgery, I'm very glad no one decided to commemorate it with a cake!

Ick!

PS - Thanks for the laughs last night! Maybe we'll see you again in two years for the next tour? If you're here, I'm there! :-)

November 16, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterlisadh524

I hate feet.

Grossest things ever.

As a side note? The one with the crooked toe is incredibly well made, as in... really realistic. And at least the toe nails are clean.

November 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLalis

I must say the second cake was extra disturbing for me.... my first name being Diana ( D ) and my maiden name being Carpenter.... !!!!!!!!!!! Can't say how happy i am that this is not my cake! lol

Awesome post as always!
Hope you are still enjoying yourselves on the tour :)

November 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterDIana

OMG, I can just hear the National Eating Disorder's comments on this post now...

It makes me puke that you would make fun of Bulemia!

You should purge your mind of that kind of politically incorrect thinking!!

I find it vomitous that you could even consider going there!

It's a terrible gag!

You couldn't think of something better to throw up there?

It might be funny in SOME circles, but I can't believe you would regurgitate it here!

You should heave this post overboard, disgorging the internet of its contents!

It was Chuck who spewed this post, wasn't it!? I've been working on sensitivity with that retch for years. That's it. I give up, Chuck.

November 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterRO

When it comes to that last one....

Look, bakers. If you want to make toe fungus cute (and who doesn't?) maybe try leaving the horrid yellowish gelatinous gunk off. The little smiley green frog-bugs wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the slime they're crawling in.

November 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterEve

Ugh.

Because this reminds me of the time I applied to a podiatrist's office as a lab assistant tech and never even got an interview. They couldn't have needed one that bad.

November 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnne

Wayne's feet look very realistic (compared to the others). Kutoes to the baker!

November 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterFeet

The last one, with the dermatophytes, handles the anklestump problem better than the rest. The just pretended that there are no ankles.

November 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterWill

I must say, I am enjoying the Wrecky Replays!
I wasn't going to do this today, but I don't seem to be able to stop myself. I've had this Joan Jett song stuck in my head, so I wrecked-up the lyrics! I don't know if anyone else is going to know the song. Joan Jett fans? Anyone? Anyway, here's my version of "Do you wanna touch", wreck-style...

You’ve know it all along;
ankle stumps are wrong,
it doesn't matter how you try.
Dead feet on a slab,
spongy fungus scab,
don’t it make you wonder why?
Wayne’s toe might
leave him in a plight
when he needs some shoes to wear.
Would you dine
on toenail slime?
Teresa might not have to share!

Do you wanna munch (Yeah)
Do you wanna munch (Yeah)
Do you wanna munch toe hair?

November 16, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterzoomom

Eww, ewwwwww! Those little bugs really do it on the last one.

November 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterStephanie

Thaaaaanks. Now I've got the music from the original "Footloose" running through my head!

November 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterTXRed

I hate feet. Now I hate them even more. GROSS!!
I had a gyn. named Dr. Handler. True, true!! He was actually a very creepy guy. No more handler for me!! LOVE YOU GUYS!!

November 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSteph

Hobbit feet? Awesome. Severed Hobbit feet as cake? Not so awesome.

Wayne's is beautifully rendered. Horrifyingly, beautifully rendered. My foot hurts....and I mean the good one, not the one with the screws in it.

Which reminds me: I solemnly swear here in front of all of the Wrecktators that I will never, ever, ever order, make, or cause to be made any model of my foot surgery, my foot screws, or any derivation thereof. If I fail in this, may the green bugs of a thousand toes infest my....*gag*...um...you get the idea.


PS I knew of a Dr. D'Eath in Toronto, pronounced deeth. His name was in my head constantly when they made name jokes on Scrubs.

November 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKimberly Chapman

Sorry, Jen, but the most awesome doctor name ever is Dr. Megahed! http://www.healthgrades.com/physician/dr-amr-megahed-xmpjw/

November 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterDebbie

Nominee for coolest Dr. name ever: Dr. Sam Smiley, DDS! He was my dentist when I lived in Columbus, OH back in the early 90's. Nice guy, and darned if he didn't smile a lot, too! :)

November 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterNatalie

Blue cloths/drapes are standard for autopsies and pathology specimens (i.e. dismembered body parts). So... A+ for accurate detail?

Btw I am an MD with a strong stomach, never faint/spew, and I still found these cakes disgusting. Not that I wouldn't have eaten a piece.

Speaking of which, as much as I love your blog, I'm not sure I can continue to follow it because each new post (this one EXcluded) makes me crave cake...

November 16, 2011 | Unregistered Commentersdw

Dear God Why?????? I would venture to say that these foot cakes are even creepier than the "fetus popping out of belly" baby shower cakes. yuck.

November 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSam

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Yep, literally made that noise. Those are Terrifying! Can you imagine trying to EAT any of that?! And while I do not have a foot fetish- I kind of like them!

November 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterCharis

The questionsabout the blue drapey things? What gives this away is the toe tag....

D. Carpenter=Jesus was a carpenter bytrade
Dead person's feet with clothsoverthe tops where nails from crucifix were
suposed to be Jesus' feet to remind us/celebrate the crucifixtion and what it means

This is a really gross way to show this if it's the rout the baker waas going here. EEEWWW!

November 16, 2011 | Unregistered Commentercarrie

RO is awesome!!! AdoAnnie is freakin' great!!! Haiku Joy should write a book!!!

I'm loving the comments!!! The feet??? Not so much. *gag*

November 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterBarbara Anne

Ugh. Never will I look at my feet the same way after these horrors lol. And what exactly are those green bugs anyways? Lil alien plant life growing in her toes? Scary.

November 17, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterArlene

I was lookingaround on Youtube, and I'm sure someone has posted this before, but I found this marvelous: "Walmart employees" decorating a birrhday cake.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O3f4Kd15lmw&feature=related

November 17, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterOrchid

I am sure the Wayne foot cake must be a homage to Wayne Rooney, a star English football (or soccer for all you Americans) player who famously broke his metatarsal. So that at least explains one scenario why you might want to order a foot cake!

November 17, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterNicky

POOTFL. Seriously. As a podiatrist, I find these all hilarious. OK, maybe Dr. Pachman is a little gross, but still, funny. All I wish for is that when I retire, someone get me "Wayne's Meta-toe-sal" in my honor.
I guess it's all relative, huh?

November 17, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAgent99

Here's another one, meant to post a while ago!

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?ref=home#!/photo.php?fbid=190958017584995&set=a.190957957585001.54612.190955464251917&type=3&theater

November 17, 2011 | Unregistered Commenteranon

This post reminds me precisely why I hate feet.

November 17, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJen

Okay, the meta-toe-sal cake looked so real I had to do a double-take. And ouch! But why oh why would anyone order a foot cake (other than the staff of a podiatrist). These are as bizarre as the c-section cakes.

November 17, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLorrie

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