Good news! After all the hype and anticipation, the third season of "Game of Thrones" has finally started!
Now, while I've never actually watched any episodes, I have seen several thousand Facebook posts, millions of Twitter swoons, and a well-placed "Saturday Night Live" skit -- plus I was behind a very enthusiastic guy who was discussing it loudly and in excruciating detail on a cell phone once while I waited for a bagel.
I think we can agree this makes me an expert.
I'd like to share my newfound expertise with you, so you can jump right into season three if -- like me -- you're a little behind.
So, apparently the show is a fantasy in a medieval setting, so expect to see a lot of crumbly-looking castles:
That moat really needs to be filled with coffee.
The story seems to center around a bunch of burly guys in armor, furs, and funky headgear, all wielding a variety of nasty, big, pointy teeth weapons:
Like this, only with dingier tank tops.
The nomads -- they're the ones in the furs -- also have their own language. Fortunately, they get subtitles:
... in Esperanto.
["Hark. Methinks mine codpiece doth chafe!"]
Not to mention a good dousing of Ye Olde Febreeze.
At this point even I don't know which parts I'm making up anymore.
Oh, and I almost forgot to mention all the sex and nudity!
Apparently there's a LOT of it, which gets some people bent out of shape.
Take that any way you want.
"Game of Thrones" is also supposed to be pretty violent. I can't say for certain, of course, but there are a lot of parodies featuring decapitation.
So to recap: A bunch of hairy, burly guys and an intense girl are all fighting over a piece of uncomfortable furniture while having sex and cutting people's heads off.
"Game of Thrones" sounds an awful lot like "Medieval Divorce Court."
I should totally be watching this thing!
Epic thanks to Nicole E., Erin C., Kimberly C., Christina T., Julie B., Ingrid H., Liz D., Misty T., Brianne P., Christina B., and all you GoT fans out there who know I sometimes write fantasy. Now, please, put the swords down...