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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen
Friday
Feb212014

Write 'Em, Cowboys!

Hey guys, it's time again for our Annual Texas Cowboy Poetry post!

(My apologies in advance to Texas, cowboys, and poetry in general.)

 

Ahem hem hem.

swirling poo vortex
moistly encircles my horse

keep it off the boots.

******

 

There once was a rodeo clown
The best of the whole bunch, hands down.

 

A real Texas Star

 

He's sure to go far

If he'd just stop horsing aroun'.

*****

 

Dangle the Dog's show had to close
The problem? Right under his nose.
Since it's hard to erase
the things on his face...

Now he just does puppet shows.

****

 

Kill.
Kill, kill, kill
KILL!
Killllllllllll....

Kill kill.

*********

 

And for our grand finale, we'd like you to know that John wrote the next one. That's right, JOHN DID IT. So it's not my or Sharyn's fault. We're just saying.

Take it away, John!

 

Once upon a morning dreary, while I sat there, drinking beery,
Thinkin' 'bout this girl I'd ogled at the game the night before.
How we went back to her trailer, thinkin' I was gonna... uh, regale her
Shame she fell into the baler, just below the hayloft door.
"Geez Louise!" I screamed in terror as her bits lay on the floor.
"Now she's boobs... and nothing more!"

 

Thanks to Jodee R., Erica D., Tug T., Samantha R., Kristen, Emily S., & Willow M. for helping John get that off his chest.

*****

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Reader Comments (43)

Jen's right. It was John. All John. I saw it. I was there. Well, I wasn't "there". I was here. THEY were there... but... um...

IT WAS JOHN!!!

(Hey, guys. Don't tell him I said anything, OK?)

February 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterSharyn

I think that horse head starred in The Godfather....but I'm afraid to ask....

February 21, 2014 | Unregistered Commentermiss_paper

Each morning I've been glad to wake up
Not in Texas, but in my own home.
But I've never been fonder of Texas
Than I was when I read John's sweet poem.

I've pictured poo vortices often,
And also mad clowns who do roam.
But I found I could eas'ly forget them
When I focused on reading John's poem.

Kill kill kill kill that poor Dangle,
For soon from his mouth he shall foam.
Calm him as he meets his final rest
By reciting John's mighty fine poem.

I'm sorry I've looked down on Texas
To Texas I now say, "shalom!"
I'll keep a warm spot for the state now
That I've listened to John's baled boob poem

February 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterSuBee

Sharyn, your secret is safe with us wreckees, wreckers...um, the weirdos who read this blog! :+) LOL

February 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterSageinReno

Hehehehe

February 21, 2014 | Unregistered Commentermindy1

John, was her name Lenore?

February 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterAllegra

Welp, now that your ads auto-play video with sound and I can't shut it off... won't be reading on-site anymore. :/


[Editor's note- Delphine, I have deleted that ad provider permanently. I'm so angry I could strangle someone. I'm truly, truly sorry. -john (thoJ)]

February 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterDelphine

Bad Horse has his own cake? Is this the celebration cake for a successful application to the ELE?

February 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterNatasha

A+ for everyone, except John. He gets A++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++…
(If only I had a hat with a big feather and a chalkboard. And a male voice over)

February 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterFluffy Cow

Bwah ha ha ha ha! These cakes and John's poem made me laugh out loud at work -- hard!

The bizarreness of the clowns in the country cake is legion! (And the clowns are REALLY creepy!)

Why does the scary horse have a slightly red discolored spot on its neck? It looks like it's in a sci fi movie and it has some alien disease manifesting just under its hide.

That dog cake is...there are just no adequate words. When they put the nose above the muzzle, it morphs the muzzle into dogfaceballs. Poor fellow. Reminds me of the Southpark episode when Butters had balls on his chin.

And finally, John, your poem is my happy thought for the day.

February 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJodi

I think the horse on that first cake is dead!

And, John...? It's all your fault that I fell off my chair, laughing!

February 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterAwesomeAud

John's poem is my favorite part of this post. Hilarious. Sorry, ladies! (and of course,Poe.)

February 21, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterjo

[Standing, clapping]
Well done, everyone!

February 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterMaureen

You know, I think Poe would be proud. Actually you've improved on the original, John. Congratulations!

February 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterKeeley

Well done, john(thoJ)...such a moving masterpiece...all I could think of after I read that sad poem was, "That poe, poe, girl."

And that horses head...just an enthusiastic fan of the Texecutioners, Austin's all-star roller derby team, currently ranked number three in the world. Their chant goes, "Texas, Texas, Kill, kill, kill."

February 21, 2014 | Unregistered Commentermel

John, that was the best. You gave me my first good laugh of the day.

February 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterMarie

John's poem wins this post - best thing I've read in ages.

February 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterDegera

John, you win the interwebs today. But you have to share the spotlight with SuBee.

February 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterTLC

It's too bad she wasn't a Baltimore cheerleader.

February 21, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterjbrecken

I feel bad for the poor horse stuck in the poo vortex. Now I want a horse head cake for my birthday. So jealous of the person that got that cake.

February 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterBarbara

I was, at first, puzzled by the random combination of plastic on the last clown cake. Clown heads, a horse, a couple of deer, some palm trees and a race car. But the bridge and the "Happy Birthday" message tie it all together. Uh huh.

February 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterMelanie

The down and out clown at least is using JAZZ HANDS...everythings better with JAZZ HANDS. right? ok, not.

February 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterCLN

Wonderful poetry! *fingersnap* *fingersnap* *fingersnap*

February 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterAnne L.

I concur, John (thoJ) wins the interwebs today. That poem deserves a slow clap.

February 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterDiana B

Horse head looks more like a dinosaur!

February 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterMissTee

Funny poems, y'all! However...
I hate to disagree, but I have a hound and the dog cake looks like a cartoon hound to me. They have jowly faces. For what it's worth.

February 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJake and Me

"Louise" simply doesn't have the same poetic mournfulness as "Lenore".

Just sayin'.

Caw.

February 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterBADKarma

Allegra, I'm pretty sure it's Louise.

February 21, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterpikkewyntjie

That last decapitated horse head terrifies me. But the writing is pretty!

john(thoJ)'s poem made it all better. :-)

February 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJodee

The mouth on that disembodied horse head is upside down... and what are those ridges on its neck? Are those gills?!

Happy "dia deios niños" everyone!

February 21, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterwaffre

Thank you, Melanie. I was still trying to work that out until I read your post. So logical.

February 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterKnittedbooties

John and SuBee! Brilliant!

Forget Dangle's face, what's that around his neck? It's either a shrunken head with a mustache and a sombrero or...*tilts head* a very large human ear?

Is 'Dia De Los Ninos' code for the day the hand-walking cannibal clowns come out to eat the children? *shudder*

February 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJust Andrea

Just wondrin' if the Kill, kill killl killlllll referenced Alice's Restaurant? Am i the only one that heard Arlo in my head while reading that? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LjKF7aQthcQ&feature=kp ( sorry if i'm not allowed to add the youtube link to the song )

Loved the postings, scratching my head at the clown/ car, deer, bronco, innertube ( condom in the sky?) palm tree flotsam cake.
" My what big hands you have!"....

February 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterDIana

John, that would make Poe...um....proud.

February 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterTeacher

*loud applause* Well played, all and sundry!!!
Diane, I heard Arlo Guthrie as well.... And the Godfather theme. weird.

February 21, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterAbbyS

john, that was awesome! and terrifying. . . you have a dark mind

February 22, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterjw

Just a little something to think about:

That "dog" cake looks like it's in the image of Jasper T. Jowls, one of the characters featured in the 1980s incarnation of Chuck E. Cheese's Pizza Time Theater. The overalls, shirt, neckerchief, and hat are the dead giveaways.

You...really don't see a lot of the old gang very much these days. A pity.

February 22, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterNickdoctorwho

Lmao I love John's poem it had me giggling and it still has me giggling. That horse head is pretty scary looking though. Wonder if the wreckerator had a toothless horse as a child or something.

February 22, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterArlene

#6: I shall name her LaTawyna

February 22, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterDaniel

Yeah,yeah, nice POEm! But what I really want to know is....seriously~ She had a HAYLOFT in her TRAILER?!?
=^O.o^=

February 22, 2014 | Unregistered Commentersendingtheclowns

two uh, bits up for John, that was inspired - kind of a Poe swirl -

February 22, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterDoug Frazier

Dinosaur Horse - now there's something you don't see every day.

My question is why is that dog from Chuck E Cheese in on a cake?!?

February 22, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterKeri

The clown cake was meant to be for Children's Day -- this just makes it exponentially worse.

I'm sure somebody posted about the whole "Children's Day" translation, but I figured I'd post too -- even though my Spanish is quite good, it took me ages to read the cake, because of the spacing & capitalization for "de los". The fact that it's for Children's Day just makes this so much better/worse.

April 11, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterIsabelle

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