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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen
Thursday
Mar132014

Ken Day Come-Ons: The Squelching

Last year after John and I first published this post, we received an e-mail from readers Charity and Royce. That e-mail contained an audio file. An audio file that, once played, would change our lives forever.

Or at least make us laugh like hyenas for a good five minutes.

So today, for your wrecking pleasure, we present that audio, combined with our original visuals. Turn up the volume, and ENJOY.

 

 

*****

 

And now the original:

 

[dimming lights]

[queuing up sexy saxophone music]

[adjusting Speedo]

 

Hey, Bebeh.

How YOU doin'?

 

Today is Ken Day, bebeh doll, and that means I'm here to make all your sexy, sexy dreams come true.

 Except maybe that one.  

(Never again, Cancun.  NEVER AGAIN.)

 

That's right, my sprinkle-coated sugar dumpling, I am about to rock your world ... by dealing you a hand of Blackjack:

Or, wait... this is a hot tub? Oh. Ok. EVEN BETTER. Mrowr.

 

Now, slide that sweet little personality of yours over here, and have an enormous glass of ketchup:

 I warmed up this side of the concrete slab just for you. [eyebrow waggle]

 

What's wrong, my tangy berry sweet tart? Is the concrete not to your liking? 

Perhaps you'd prefer some Satin Ice* sheets?

I don't lounge this casually for just anyone, you know. Mostly because I lack articulated elbows.

(*That one's for you, decorators.)


These boxers are really confining, though, my scrumptious fondant-wrapped cheesecake bite.

Here, let me slip into something a little more comfortable:

You can't see it, but I'm totally flexing for you right now. Unnng.
 

Ahh, I can tell by your dismayed expression that you're thinking EXACTLY what I'm thinking, my honey-drenched pudding pop: this DOES cover up too many of my "finer assets." [wink] Well, don't you worry. I can fix that.

[grunting]

[squelching noises]

 

Ok, my candy-coated cake pop! Prepare to meet ... THE LOINCLOTH OF LOVE:

Take me away, officer; I surrender to YOUR SEXINESS. 

 

Oh, and I should warn you: objects in the rear view are much hotter than they appear.

 [jiggle jiggle]

 

Thanks to Sara O., Sanne V., Mary Ann B., Frank M., Laura S., Renee D., & Lauri M. for helping me retroactively ruin a lot of people's childhoods.

*****

Update from john (thoJ): When I was making this video, I pitched down Royce's voice just a bit for sexiness. When I showed Jen, she asked if I could pitch it way UP. The result is, if possible, even more hysterical.

So I present to you... The chipmunk version!

*****

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Reader Comments (52)

What do you call simultaneously cringing, laughing and crying?

Oh, that right. Cake Wrecks.

I need therapy after the squelching, unnnnging Chipmunk of Love.

March 13, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterSharyn

BAHAAAA!!! The chipmunk version sounds like Alpha, the doberman from the movie Up. Thanks for posting both versions.

March 13, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterDre

That Barbie is a lucky woman...

March 13, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterSuBee

I see Mr. Bean
forgets to breathe when crunching
his oblique physique.

March 13, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterHaiku Joy

To use and overused text speak abbreviation - ROFL

March 13, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterHAL

Based on "Ben" with a thank you to Michael Jackson who probably liked Ken a bit too much:

Ken, you’re great but you’re just not for me
Go hang out with that blond bitch Barbie
In a hot tub you’re the best
A cock ring and a dress
Enhance your true beauty
Now, stay away from me
(Stay away from me)

Ken, are you sure that you are not gay
(Are not gay)
You know we’d still love you anyway
(Anyway)
Dressed in your loincloth of love
You look hot. Well, kind of
There’s something you should know
I’ve really got to go
(Really got to go)

I used to say Ken’s for me
But then again, I was three.
I used to say Ken’s for me
But then again, I was three.


Ken, go flex yourself for those who care
Comb some ketchup through your plastic hair
They don’t see you as I do
They see a sexy you
A mrowwing, flexing ten
They love that plastic Ken
(A ten)
That’s Ken
(A ten)
That’s Ken

March 13, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterSuBee

Ooohhhh Ken! Ooohhh myyyyyy!

March 13, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterLorie

Yeah..well. The Chipmunk version didn't quite do it for me. It reminded me way too much of what my cats sound like when offering me the occasional hairball surprise. Other than that, the Kens are looking just as creepy as ever. And why does Nearly-Nimoy#2 Ken get twice as much champagne as Nearly-Nimoy#1 Ken?
He only placed 11th. =^-.-^=

March 13, 2014 | Unregistered Commentersendingtheclowns

I had wipe off the screen after those videos. Thanks for post every lame come on line from my distant barhopping days. lol

March 13, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterOcotilla

I lost it at the "squelching" bit. And those cakes, especially the ones where Ken is half-buried...oh dear...

March 13, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterCamille

Wow, officially LOST IT!!! Me that is, at the "Loincloth of Love". FTW, or maybe FTL? (for the laughter)

Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters all around, my treat!!!

March 13, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterVBeach Alemap

Two non-articulated thumbs up!

March 13, 2014 | Unregistered Commentermel

Oh. Em. Gee. How could I not remember this post from last year? In any case, I will never forget this audio version. Or the visuals. Because three butt cracks hanging out of the Loincloth of Love does it for me every time.

Loincloth of Love. I can't believe I just typed that. Only on Cake Wrecks!

March 13, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterTLC

I just woke my cat up because I was laughing so hard at the chipmonk version. They are both absolutely brilliant! Thanks for the many laughs.

March 13, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterKathy

LOLTRDML!


(Laughing Out Loud - Tears Running Down My Leg)

March 13, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterDotRot

Brillant, Jen! (and thoj)
@Sharyn -- love it girl

March 13, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterMaureen

Drat! I can't get Youtube at work! They think we should be actually WORKING or something, instead of playing what must be hilarious Cakewrecks videos!!

The Ken with the upraised arms has much bigger forearms than his upper arms. He's not quite Bluto (from Popeye) but he's not normal either.

March 13, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJodi

The squelching noises were THE.BEST.EVER!!!

March 13, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJulie

Great!!! Now if you will excuse me, I have to go rip my eyeballs out.

March 13, 2014 | Unregistered Commentercatspaw66

Thanks for the replay, 'cause I guess I missed this last year!

March 13, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterErica

I remember being fascinated by the loincloth of love last year, too! There is so much material in the front of that thing and so little behind. Oh it's disturbing! Great video - kudos to all involved! Except the bakers. No kudos for you...

March 13, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterMalia

Omigosh!!! That is DISTURBING!!!!!! Now I will totally have nightmares!

March 13, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterYveltalx

Lolol thanks for MUCH needed laughs :D :D

March 13, 2014 | Unregistered Commentermindy1

That may be one of my all-time favorite Cake Wrecks posts -- and I'm not just typing that because my husband's name is Ken(ny) and he looks like a dark-haired Ken doll! Speaking of Kenny, any of you know where I can get one of those fabulous Ken cakes? Kenny's birthday is in a few months, and I need some sexy pastry sexiness to tickle his taste buds, if you know what I mean (wink wink).

March 13, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJ.

Good lord, the loincloth guy looks like the Matt Damon puppet from Team America: World Police!

March 13, 2014 | Unregistered Commentercaffeinequeen

I am in coughing fits from laughing so hard. Too much funny...the Barry White version was hilarious, but the Chipmunk version sent me over the edge. I surrender, indeed!

March 13, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJust Andrea

Thanks john (thoJ) for this one. I needed something to take my mind off the brewing anxiety attack. This did the trick!
And for the record, I put the coffee down this time!

My girl is having oral surgery today to remove 3 impacted wisdom teeth. She's scared and I'm worried because I can't be there with her. I love my job but sometimes it sucks being responsible!

March 13, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJodee

After watching "The Most Popular Girls In School" on YouTube, I can't help seeing the Kens in the hot tub and the purple cake as Blaine, the dim-witted footballer. (Warning: that series, though in my opinion extremely funny, is packed with NSFW language.)

March 13, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterStephen

I needed a laugh. I will never look at Ken the same after this.

March 13, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterBarbara

You have no idea how many takes it took record this without me snorting when Royce made his squelching noise! So glad our hard work paid off. Luckily (or unluckily) I get frequent Ken inspired come-ons periodically sprinkled throughout the week which might contribute to the longevity of our marriage. Might.
CAKE WRECKS FOREVER!

March 13, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterCharity

Chipmunk Mrowr made my day! Well done, everyone!
@Subee- Brilliant!

March 13, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterKim in ID

MROWR! =D. =D. =D

March 13, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterAngela

Viz, "The Chipmunk Version": I keep seeing, in my mind's eye, Alvin wearing nothing but a Speedo and a come-hither smirk... I must go poke out my Third Eye with a Spork now... See y'all later...

March 13, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterBADKarma

Been a fan of yours for years and have had lots of strange glances my way in the halls of work, thanks to thinking of your posts instead of focusing on my projects. However, this post, from beginning to end, takes the cake. The prize. The frosting on top of the joy and laughter I get from your site. Thank you and the couple who sent in the video and Jon for ramping it up to the point of the sublime!!!

March 13, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterCarolyn

Chipmunks should NEVER say scrumptious.

March 13, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterCBushLite

So worth posting again.

Mrowr!

March 13, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterlisadh

@Lorie: I managed to get through the video without much more than chuckling a bit, but your comment...!

There is an episode of "Big Bang Theory" that I just LOVE where Wolowitz is in bed, imagining Katee Sackhoff as Starbuck (complete with flight suit) in bed beside him, when a fantasy Bernadette pops up. Since they had recently broken up, Howard exclaims, "Wait! I'm confused here!" And suddenly you hear an inimitable voice say

"Ohhhh myyyy! Can *I* help?"

As soon as I read your comment, I thought of that scene and started to die laughing.

March 13, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterSaraCVT

Oh. Oh goodness. I can't breathe and my nose is running like mad. I am going to die of LOL over here, and I blame you.

I'm also going to terrorize all my friends with this. >D

March 13, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterAmy H.

Actually the "chipmunk" version sounded more like Wall-E...to me and I agree the arms on the loincloth-thong Ken look like they may have broken and the baker glued on "Stretch Armstrong's" instead ..LOL

March 13, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterNetasha

OMG - Royce has got to have the sexiest voice - EVAHHHH!! Except during Chipmunk speak...

March 14, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterLaffsalot

What the heck did I just watch.

Next time my mother asks "What kind of videos are you always watching on that laptop computer thing of your's?" I'm showing her chipmunk cakewreck Ken video.

March 14, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterRiver Psalm

It's a good thing that you told us that you'd pitched the voice down a little.. I thought that if the guy really sounded like that, I was really going to have to go find him, drag him here and make him read my biochem textbook for me. Sure would make studying a little easier... :D Um.. Well.. maybe more fun at any rate.

March 14, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterSue

Lmao!!! I must stop laughing and breathe. Oh man. I will never look at Barbie the same way ever again. Ken either for that matter lol.

March 14, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterArlene

Haha, awesome! This actually inspired me to leave my first comment! I have to say- the chipmunk version sounds like Saddam Hussein from the South Park movie...

March 14, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterNB

Oh my God that music. And dat voice. I'm in love with this video! Royce should totally do voiceover work.

March 14, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterEmma

The chipmunk version sounds like Donald Duck. Just the thought of a feathered duck bottom in the loincloth sent me right over the edge! Thanks for the happy Cake Wrecks!!

March 14, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterLaura

Diet Coke spurting out my nose, yes! That is the result of watching these videos!

Your readers are the BEST!

March 14, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterStaci

Yep. That high pitched one is now the voice for Theardare in my head. I can see him hitting the 'nip and (if a rage is avoided) trying these out on those of us who take refuge in the bunker... :-)

March 14, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterScaperMama

That second one, with the mesh shirt and the cake dress? I CAN'T BREATHE!!!

March 14, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterGinger Snape

BTW, just ordered 8 memory cards and a case from Amazon.com. Thanks for posting the link here -- I would never have known! Paris, Amsterdam and Bonn, here we come!

March 15, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterTLC

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