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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen
Wednesday
Jul302014

Who Cut the Cheese?

That's right, folks: the day you've been waiting for is finally here. All those hours of planning, long nights of anticipation, and stockpiling of Lactaid pills will finally pay off, because today...is National Cheesecake Day.

Now, I know what you're thinking. "Jem," you're thinking - because you frequently get me mixed up with the 80s cartoon rocker - "Jem, how is it even possible to Wreck a cheese cake?"

Why, like this, my adorably confused reader:

[singing] "This-is-how-we-do-it!"

Aww, I see this was taken on my birthday, Mike & Angie. Well, thanks for the thought and all, but that drippy brown splotch has just reminded me: I...uh...don't eat drippy brown splotches. Sorry.

So that's a traditional cheesecake Wreck, but what if I told you it gets even Wreckier?

BEHOLD, THE WEDDING CHEESE CAKE WRECK!!!

Yes, my dear Wreckies, I'm afraid it's true: that is a "cake" made entirely of cheese. And not a sweet cream cheese, either - oh no. I'm talkin' the stuff that gets described with words like "sharp," "green veining," and "stinky feet." And it's a wedding cake.

 

I wish I could say this is a one-time fluke, but unfortunately wedding cheese "cakes" are a growing trend. They're not in addition to the traditional cake, either; they're in place of it. Meaning there is no actual wedding cake at these weddings - just cheese. Cheese! As if that's an acceptable substitute!

What happened to the time-tested wedding arrangement? You know, the one where we bring expensive linens, crystal, and espresso-makers in exchange for a free meal, a little boozy dancing, and a slice of gorgeously decorated, oh-so-scrumptious cake?

 

Frankly, it only adds insult to injury when someone tries to "pretty" these things up, too:

Fake flowers and ribbon pinned (yes, pinned) into cheese wheels does not an elegant "cake" make.

 

Still, nothing's as bad as combining cake, cheese, and a pork pie all into a single display:

The question is, can you tell which layer is which?

 

Cass J., Anony M., Stella P., & Second Anony., I Camembert it; all the Gouda puns Havarti been used!

*****

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Reader Comments (98)

In the freezer depths
lurks a cheddar pork pie slice -
Anniversary.

July 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterHaiku Joy

I was once on line at the food court at one of the Smithsonian museums, a fine place to meet people from all across our great nation. I witnessed the following exchange between a fine American woman ordering a sandwich and and a patient American food service employee:
American Woman: Can I have cheese with that?
American FSE: It already comes with cheese.
American Woman: Can I have EXTRA cheese?
American FSW: It alre...yes.

And that my friends, is what makes America great. Not quite as great as the brie, blue cheese, fruit? and daisy "cake," but great nonetheless.

July 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterSuBee

We're still on the roadtrip, in hotel WiFi hell, but as a former Wisconsinite, I had to try, so...

Sung to "The Words get in the Way"

I realize you're feeding us the blue
I don't believe you smell it like we do
And then there is the gouda side
And moldy crust you try to hide on Brie

But I hope to tell you something you won't mind
I've been trying to tell you for the longest time
So, before you add havarti, too
I'm afraid you should have served some real cake, too

See, the curds get in the whey...

July 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterSharyn

Aw, come on, those wedding cheeses are awesome!

July 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterKen.C

Truly outrageous, truly truly truly outrageous.

July 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterBlackChocobo27

Oh. Dear. 0_0

I am a cheese LOVER, and I am horrified by the thought of the wedding cake being replaced with cheese. I mean, the last wedding I went to, they served doughnuts, Rice Krispy bars and cookies instead of cake and I was still upset. Because NO CAKE!!!

So, how do they cut this cheese? (No pun intended) Do you get to pick which layer it's sliced from? Do they serve it with crackers or bread? Or do you just take it back to your table and eat it plain, whimpering with disappointment all the way, and stopping by the bar to get another drink to wash it down?

I just. . . . .no. Just no.

July 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterTLC

Awww, I kinda like the cheese idea. Maybe the couple just doesn't like sweets. Or they met at a cheese factory. Or bonded over weekly cheese flights.

Granted, the execution on most of these is awful, minus the first one, which I find rather pretty actually. Last one could be worse too.

July 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterInaya

" I Camembert it; all the Gouda puns Havarti been used!"
Don't wine about it~ these are ALL JUST HILARIOUS (and disgusting) today! GREATcrappyJOB!
[And frankly,"combining cake, cheese, and a pork pie all into a single display" equals NOT even CARING which layer is which, from my viewpoint.] Loved it! =^~.~^=

July 30, 2014 | Unregistered Commentersendingtheclowns

Because today is National Cheesecake Day, I'm going to The Cheesecake Factory for lunch. Well, for half-off cheesecake, anyway. Who needs a real lunch? XD

July 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJen

In Wisconsin (with apologies to the official state song)

Let’s get married in Wisconsin,
Cake made out of cheese!
Colby, cheddar, mozzarella…
Any kind we please!
Let’s get married in Wisconsin,
Don’t forget the curds!
Cheese, my friends, eat, eat cheese,
Cake is for the birds!

Note: As one who grew up in Wisconsin, and who still makes a three-hour trip back there now and then just to go to a favorite cheese store (Pasture Pride Cheese, Cashton, WI), I’m struggling to see any Wrecks here today….maybe that pork pie thing….

July 30, 2014 | Unregistered Commentermel

Love the cheesy post today! Is there a national beefcake day? 'Cause I'm for sure not missing CakeWrecks on THAT day!
@HaikuJoy and @Sharyn -- love it ladies

Eeewww -- what's that ..... ok, who cut the cheese?

July 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterMaureen

@Sharyn: BTW, since you're still on the road and may be contemplating Carhenge, check out no. 24 on this list:

http://www.movoto.com/blog/opinions/moving-to-nebraska/

And be sure to get a steak somewhere!

July 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterTLC

Happy Cheesecake Day!

I am so happy I saw this right before lunch...now I'm miraculously not hungry at all!

July 30, 2014 | Unregistered Commentermiss_paper

pork pie? Is Dibbler about? Are these cakes from the finest bakeries in Ankh-Morpork? My, that DOES explain things.

July 30, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterms anthrope

I am filed with glee
When Haiku Joy is posting
Even about cheese

July 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterSuBee

On one hand, my French relatives would prefer this. They finish meals off with a cheese plate, not sweets. Most American sweets horrify them, since they're way sweeter than what they would normally eat.

On the other hand, they'd riot over the presentation. Cheese, stacked on top of each other?! Stinky next to cheese that breathes in odors?! No way to get just the cheese you want?! And you let it sit out in an overly warm room for hours before anyone can even touch it?! Zut alors!

So, still a wreck.

July 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterKatie

What if one of the guests is lactose intolerant?

July 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterSaraCVT

These cheese "cakes" aren't really wrecks, because the "baker" didn't actually wreck anything. They made what the bride (I'm assuming it was the bride) ordered. So in this world, the bride is the wreckor, not the wreckee. I think the bakers or makers (or candlestick takers) get a pass today, and the orderers get the blame.

July 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterNancie

If you really just must have cheese at your wedding then offer a cheese tray appetizer while everybody mills about waiting for the bride & groom to arrive at the reception (that's what we did anyway). But to replace the traditional cake completely with a cheese tower?! Egads! You are inviting people to be your witnesses & your GUESTS; for the love of Pete, even if you are one of those weird "I don't like sweets" people (who are you? Un-American, I say!) think of your guests! Do you have any idea how many people get wedding invitations & then starve themselves for months prior to said event just so they can look good doing the Chicken Dance for all eternity of your wedding video? And the one reward, the one consolation that gets these dear people through this self deprivation period is knowing that at the end of the tunnel is a beautiful, luscious, mouth-watering slice of wedding cake that they may, nay - are expected to - devour whole-heartedly! Why would anyone take that away from their guests, their loved ones? If one is going to deny cake then I say elope & have your cheese to yourselves with no dashed cake-expectations in your dasterdly wake!

Ok....um, I started my diet yesterday and I maaaaay be experiencing some withdraw transference here. ;)

@sharyn....the curds get in the whey...bwwwaahahaha!!

July 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterMovieMom

some of us like cheese!

July 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterAndygirl

Currently my daughter wants to server cheesecake at her wedding (note: this is at LEAST 10 years into the future!) So I looked up wedding cheesecakes. MY EYES!
Although there was one pictured that had the bride & groom as mice on top that was very cute! :D

July 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterRenee

Honk if you love Cheeses!

July 30, 2014 | Unregistered Commenternmn

Ladies and gentlemen, can you all gather around while the bride and groom cut the cheese

July 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterLadybug

I just want to know where in the great big world this is a thing, so I can avoid it.

July 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterKaren

Actually I’ve seen this quite a bit lately.
A friend on FB had a “cheese” cake for her birthday and another one had a baby shower cake out of cheese. It’s cute on a smaller scale for appetizers or something, but I’m still a fan of the traditional cake.

July 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterAlclimer

Is it me or is this blog post smelly? Who dropped his shoes? Phew!!

July 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterVirginie

Running a wedding venue, I thought I had seen everything. Apparently not. And the majority of those cheeses appear to be of the stinky variety. Ah, yes, nothing says "come enjoy a meal in celebration of our marriage" like the smell of puke.

July 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterTricia L

It isn't easy, being cheesy!

July 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterMicki

just when i thought i had seen everything possible in wedding cake disasters....i LOVE cheese, but this is too ridiculous. WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?! are they all gluten-free, maybe? a family full of diabetics? dairy farmers? french? WHAT?! WHAT!?

July 30, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterdawn

When I go to a wedding, there had darn well better be cake. Not cheesecake. Not cheese pretending to be cake. Cake with frosting. I don't even care if it's wrecky. I just want cake. lol

July 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterGinger

Oh no... Here it comes... LACTOSE INTOLERANCE!!!

July 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterCheri

Am I the only one who wants to sit down with a good bottle of red and an entire tower of cheese? Yes? Great, more for me :)

July 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterKdot

if there isn't any cake then why the heck would I go to the wedding?

July 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterAl

Horrible. They are not only going against the time-honored tradition of serving guests yummy cake to bribe them into coming to the whole shebang, but those so-called cakes are BUTT UGLY! A travesty. A travesty, I say! I suppose it could be some sort of new-age religious cult thing...("Brothers and Sisters! It's time to let CHEESES into your life!") but I remain skeptical.

July 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterChenaya

This post really left a sour taste in my mouth.

July 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterSandy

I'd take my Magic Bullet and we'd go home. Yeah yeah, weddings are a beautiful celebration of love, but I could get that with no cake on the Hallmark channel. Cheese just doesn't cut it, and I just can't wrap my head around WHY? Why? Why is there no cake? Cheese (especially the stinky stuff) is expensive. My theory? They wanted to be on Cake Wrecks. Today WTF? = WHERE'S the frosting?

July 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterCBushLite

I think the tiered one with burgundy ribbon is pretty!
In answer to the Q: what if someone is lactose intolerant? A: same as a coeliac at a standard wedding, tough sh*t eat the fruit. This happens to me many many times x

July 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterCatherine

While I do like many different kinds of cheese, I'm not a fan of seeing them all stacked up as faux-cake; if you're going to serve cheeses, give them their due respect and serve them properly!

But I did rather like that last one, which at least gave lots of different choices to the guests. And I got a bit of a giggle from the Branston Pickle on the side, which (unless it was an accidental juxtaposition) made me think of the cake as having a Ploughman's Lunch theme. If only there were pints of bitter in the photo as well...

July 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterGoryDetails

Ive seen some exceptionally pretty wedding cheesecakes. I personally would prefer cheesecake at my wedding. I like cake, but i'm a cheesecake fiend. I'm a cheese fiend too though, and I love the idea of a cake of cheese, I guess it would really depend on the type of cheese used. a lot of cheese rounds are quite ugly but taste divine and visa versa.

July 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterNatalie

As much as I love a fine cheese, it does NOT replace cake-EVER!!! My dad makes the best cheesecake :D haiku joy how i've missed you...

July 30, 2014 | Unregistered Commentermindy1

Ehh, they're not gorgeous but I'm down.

July 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterLaura

It just looks like moldy cake. who eats cheese for dessert?

July 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJessica F

I'm firmly on the side of "Yes, a cake of cheese!" I would have said that even before developing a life-threatening allergy to wheat that keeps me away from virtually all catered events, but it definitely adds to the allure of those cakes made of cheese. Okay, full disclosure--I really miss cake. :( Real, wheaty-gluteny cake. Thank goodness for CW, which at least lets me look at them every day. But I still love cheese!

July 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterAngelaS

no matter how you slice
cheese as wedding cake
simply isn't nice

July 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterNancy

ms anthrope: The finest bakeries in Ankh-Morpork not only do pork pies but also cheesy towers...Can Cut-me-own-throat AFFORD pies made from the finest bakeries or does he go to the bakeries who get their supplies from Wee Mad Arthur? Well, rest assured, my next visit to Ankh Morpork I will be eating vegan...I suppose I will hang with Angua simply so I can KNOW...

Ladybug: I'm surprised it took 22 comments before I saw that comment, I figured it would be like the first or second one...lol. I mean, no one could POSSIBLY expect this many punny posters to pass that up...it was just begging to be said! LOL.

I think I'll stick with real cake, I LOVE cheese, had some in my eggs for breakfast, but towers of cheese wheels? How on earth does someone USE that much cheese? I mean, I hope after the reception at least 50 guests took some home, unless the bride and groom eat nothing but cheese...<shudder>

July 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterVaBeach alemaP

I would prefer cheese to some of the tasteless cakes out there. Yes - the overly sweet fake vanilla or no vanilla. GACK! Still - I would see the cheese as part of the buffet, not the last thing the guests taste as they leave.

July 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterRktrixy

I actually had a physical reaction to the pork/cheese disasterpiece. Horrendousness at its best.

July 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterJason Ellis

Uh-Oh, this post brought on a morning sickness reprisal. *hurk* (Though I love cheese, seeing them all stacked up on top of each other and not on a platter with yummy breads and crackers makes me feel sorry for the guests.)

July 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterGingerSnap

Is this a paleo/ carb free trendy thing?? Aghast.

July 30, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterkidsdogscats

How does the bride & groom slice the da#% thing??? Most of them have a hard enough time slicing a regular cake, but a "cheese" cake!!!

July 30, 2014 | Unregistered CommenterConnie

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