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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen
Thursday
Jul302009

Who Cut the Cheese?

That's right, folks: the day you've been waiting for is finally here. All those hours of planning, long nights of anticipation, and stockpiling of Lactaid pills will finally pay off, because today...is National Cheesecake Day.

Now, I know what you're thinking. "Jem," you're thinking - because you frequently get me mixed up with the 80s cartoon rocker - "Jem, how is it even possible to Wreck a cheese cake?"

Why, like this, my adorably confused reader:

[singing] "This-is-how-we-do-it!"

Aww, I see this was taken on my birthday, Mike & Angie. Well, thanks for the thought and all, but that drippy brown splotch has just reminded me: I...uh...don't eat drippy brown splotches. Sorry.

So that's a traditional cheesecake Wreck, but what if I told you it gets even Wreckier?

BEHOLD, THE WEDDING CHEESE CAKE WRECK!!!

Yes, my dear Wreckies, I'm afraid it's true: that is a "cake" made entirely of cheese. And not a sweet cream cheese, either - oh no. I'm talkin' the stuff that gets described with words like "sharp," "green veining," and "stinky feet." And it's a wedding cake.

I wish I could say this is a one-time fluke, but unfortunately wedding cheese "cakes" are a growing trend. They're not in addition to the traditional cake, either; they're in place of it. Meaning there is no actual wedding cake at these weddings - just cheese. Cheese! As if that's an acceptable substitute!


What happened to the time-tested wedding arrangement? You know, the one where we bring expensive linens, crystal, and espresso-makers in exchange for a free meal, a little boozy dancing, and a slice of gorgeously decorated, oh-so-scrumptious cake?

Frankly, it only adds insult to injury when someone tries to "pretty" these things up, too:

Fake flowers and ribbon pinned (yes, pinned) into cheese wheels does not an elegant "cake" make.

Still, nothing's as bad as combining cake, cheese, and a pork pie all into a single display:

The question is, can you tell which layer is which?

Cass J., Anony M., Stella P., & Second Anony., I Camembert it; all the Gouda puns Havarti been used!


- Related Wreckage: "Cake" Cruelty


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Reader Comments (277)

I guarantee the photographer makes the "Say cheese!" joke at every one of these ridiculous weddings during the cake cutting photo-op.

myolderbrothers.blogspot.com

The reason I had a wedding was to get cake. The reason I GO to weddings is to get cake. To be served gross cheese instead is just wrong. And, no, totally can't tell which layer is which on the last one. Ewwww...

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMopher

I would so much love to have one of those "cheese" cakes! To me, bliss is when I have a cheese that makes the rest of the family go screaming from the room because of the stench. Runny, crusty, or powdery-- a good stink, and a stiff drink!

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Not pretty at all. I'm with Jen. Sometimes all that redeems a wedding is the thought of cake at the end. Unfortunately, they usually wait to cut it until all guests are ravenous wolves gnawing at the tablecloths.

WV: I've endured a million "satisms" at the hands of wreckorators.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAuntie Meme

I love this site!

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

This entry was cheesier than usual!

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

OMG... that makes me want to gag. Who would want a stinky feet smelling wedding "cake"? "Thanks for coming to my wedding - here is some toe cheese."

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSher

That is just wrong. Cheese as the cake? What were they thinking?!?!

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAmanda M.

I don't even WANT to know what a pork pie is! Cheese for a wedding cake? That is wedding blasphemy!

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDevNAbbyMom

Hey Jen, when do we get the list of book tour stops?!? ~Dee

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDaisy Dee

So glad this cheese trend didn't start when I got married (4 years ago today)! My hubby may have fought for a "cheese" cake seeing as we normally have 5-10 different cheeses in our home at all times! Although it adds a whole other level of fun when it comes time to cut the "cake"!

mysleepinghusband.blogspot.com

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterWide Awake Wife

As one who loves both cheese and cheesecake, I actually approve. The last wreck isn't really a wreck, as I enjoy the display stand a lot.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLiz

No cake at a wedding??? I would just walk out.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterangieruns

My sis-in-law did a cheese wedding cake. She and her new spouse said the thought wedding cakes were hokey and never tasted good anyway. I think she's just a cake hater. But anyway, they at least didn't "pretty" it up or put a topper on it.

Disappointing since I love cake, but not a wreck in their case.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterPangolin

That's just plain nasty!!!

Yvonne

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered Commentertwocans1

Oh my dear lord, we've gone full circle. First it was cakes made to resemble other foods, and now we get other foods made to resemble cake!

I can't wait for tomorrow's installment: Ham cake.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRev. Vassago

I actually had a bride inquire about a cheese wheel cake at a bridal show last year...
(un)fortunately she never followed up! LOL

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterWild Cakes

A little internet search confirmed what I suspected (in part because of the pork pie): this is a trend with its roots planted firmly in the dairy culture of the U.K., where cheese is viewed as an acceptable dessert and which is beginning to make headway here. Not that this fully explains the cheese in lieu of cake thing to me, but I have to wonder how much of the weird factor is based on our sense of aesthetics and how much our collective sense of wedding tradition. *shrug* I have no idea.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterGingerBedlam

Just yesterday, my dad said he didn't understand why some restaurants have cheese on the desert menu. I agree that it's out of place.

I rather welcome the CW entries that not only look bad but probably taste bad.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterdeckardcanine

Hope the wedding is someplace cold. Eeeeewwww!!!!

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJudy

I'm saying cake on bottom, cheese in the middle and pork pie (ugh) on top.

Now, I'm a fan of cheesecake...but these are nasty! "Stinky feet" and wedding should not be in the same sentence...

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJane

I just lost my appetite for the rest of the day. Seriously. Ugh.

Oh no. No, no, no, no...NO! That is just...honey, no.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterEmma9405

If not for the shopping cart in the first photo, I never would have believed it actually came from a store looking like that. I don't know why I would doubt it after everything I've seen here, but I guess "professional" cake decoration, much like humanity, never ceases to disappoint me.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBoop

There should be a law against such crimes of cake. I can see a tower of cheeses being a cute theory for an afternoon wine & cheese & fruit reception, but, when you think it through (or maybe try to test it perhaps), it is just wrong. Especially if you aren't going to serve an actual cake!!!

I don't eat cake and even I think it's disgraceful not to serve cake at a wedding.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKate

Those are so horrible. Cake is really the only reason I go to weddings. A cakeless wedding is a terrible injustice. There is a special place in hell for the people perpetuating this cycle.

(wow, I just re-read this and I sound like a total nut-job. oh well.)

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterliz

Ew, I can almost smell those cakes from here.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterHorribleLicensePlates

I think I'm going to be sick. Who wants to go to a wedding and eat cheese? What kind of people think this is a good idea?

help us adopt
http://joshandsavannahadopt.blogspot.com

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSavannah

Wow! Those cheese wedding cakes are pretty gross. Just imagine the disappointment of the flower girl and ring bearer when they get to the reception and find out there is no cake. If you're aren't going to have cake, why bother having a wedding?

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKaren

Thats just frightening. People do this? Really? Wow.

WV= arkepir- the sound one makes upon seeing a stack of cheese made to look like cake.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDouble N

I would like to leave a witty remark but I am speechless. And confused.Perhaps we have been invaded by aliens and they are getting bolder as they grow more confident...

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Cheese is delicious - especially good, high-quality cheese with fresh bread. It's even often better than cake, I think.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterHannah

Top: Pork?
Middle: Cheese?
Bottom: Cake?

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Yikes~!!! These are worse than the worst cake wreak wedding

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterShell

Oh, pork pie...I'd not heard of that until I moved to VA. There are three different pork festivals featuring pork pie within a 50 mile radius and I've still not tried it, though MIL gave me her own recipe. (TG hubby hasn't requested it, eh?)

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered Commentersilly philly

Anonymous at 9:40,

Badumpbump! Try the veal!

john

Those real cheese wedding cakes remind me of the phrase, "putting lipstick on a pig". Pinning ribbons and laying fruit on a stinky hunk of Maytag bleu is just wrong, mister.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSara

Argh! The cheesecake-wreck was pitiful, but I must step out in defence of the cheese-instead-of-wedding-cake. While I love cake as much as the next gal, when a friend got married she had a cake of cheese for the simple reason that her husband is severely diabetic, and thus cannot (sadly) eat cake.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKirsty

Jem! Is truly outrageous, truly truly truly outrageous...oooooo JEM! Thanks for getting the song stuck in my head.

Okay, it may be cute to have a cake made of cheeses on a buffet-style spread...But, under no circumstances should it EVER take the place of actual cake! What have we become, America, if we no longer serve cake at a wedding? Oh, the humanity!!!
I can't even imagine having to drag my children to one of those weddings where the couple insists on including kids, but with no cake as a reward for good behavior. The only thing they have to look forward to is the cake--it would be anarchy.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBabsiegirl

"Rev. Vassago said...

Oh my dear lord, we've gone full circle. First it was cakes made to resemble other foods, and now we get other foods made to resemble cake!

I can't wait for tomorrow's installment: Ham cake."

Or even worse...GULP...SPAM CAKE!

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDevNAbbyMom

Our wedding anniversary of four years was last week. That would make saving the top layer even better! The longer you wait, the better it is! A nice four-year aged smoke gouda! Nothing says happy anniversary like bad breath from old cheese.

I am well known for my cheesecakes, and make half a dozen every year for our company Christmas party. Last year, someones wife, who knows there are always plenty of cheesecakes, made one anyway. The puny thing was covered in fondant (huh?!) and wrapped with a satin ribbon that she secured with....an earring! A gold stud earring stuck into the cake....she had PLENTY to take back home....sorry there is no picture...

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCary

I made a tiered cheesecake for both my sister's wedding in 1991 and again for my brother's wedding in 1995. (Inspiration from Martha Stewart's "Weddings.") They were frosted with white chocolate cream cheese frosting and decorated with fresh flowers.

I also had friends who decided not to have a wedding cake, but they did offer their guests a dessert table.

I can't say I would expect a wedding cake at a wedding, but I do want something sweet!

A "cake" made of cheese might be a novelty (I could see it as a groom's cake, perhaps), but my feeling is that the wedding cake (AKA "the bride's cake") should be more traditional, and sweet.

I'm a big cheese lover, but wedding cakes made of cheese are just WRONG.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnnapolitan

omg, were those green smooshy-looking things on the side of the 2nd cheese "cake" once strawberries?!?!

and on the last one i'm pretty sure the pork pie is on TOP- which is disgusting. who wants pieces of that falling on the real cake?!

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSkye

I keep warning people that this what you get when you hire a wedding planner at a Pepperidge Farms' mall kiosk.

You cannot imagine what they do with the footlong summer sausages.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered Commenteradrienne

Behold-the power of cheese!

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterladykay

Wow... a wedding may be the one occassion where cheddar definitely does not make it better.

And an entire cheese post without a "formunda" joke? I'm disappointed, Jen.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBillDarryl

Now what I'd like to see is a bride who ordered an actual traditional cheesecake and ended up with one of these things. I can see it now... Bride: "Uh yes, I'd like a cheesecake to feed 100." Decorator "No problem!" 10 minutes later, decorator googles cheesecake, pops up on this and says "Now THERE'S an idea!" :)

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTerri Rogers

Since I came to Israel three years ago, I've been to probably 20 or 30 weddings.

That's the great thing about Israel: everyone invites everyone else. We're talking a babysitter handing her wedding invitation to parents she's only just met as they walk out the door!

But I digress. The interesting thing in Israel is, there's no wedding cake. None. Zilch. Nada.

But instead, we have the fun moment when the bride and groom sit down next to each other on the dance floor, and everyone else at the wedding competes to see who can do a wackier skit to crack them up. Last wedding I was at, some ten or so guys linked themselves arm-in-arm and did a giant ten-man swirling dervish.

But no wedding cake. So somehow, the cheese platter in lieu of wedding cake doesn't faze me! :P

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMikewind Dale

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