My Other Blog

What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen

Let's Get Physiological

Gather 'round, my child, and I'll tell you a tale.

A tale...of where you came from.

Now, there are a lot of theories out there about how new babies get here.

Some say it's a bird: a trippy oil painting from the 70s.

Some say it's a plane:


And some say it's Superman:

Which, if you think about it, makes about as much sense as the stork.

These are all lies.

And I think it's high time you learned the truth.

The truth is, you didn't arrive by bird, plane, or Kryptonian. You arrived by:


And by "ram" I mean "Mommy's magic baby bag."

See, it all started with these brave little tadpoles:


It all started with these brave gigantic tadpoles.

Together the tadpoles ventured through the winding Fallopian Forests of Ovarium, fought the wily Va-dragon, and ultimately joined forces with the mighty She-Ra in the magic baby bag.

(This is all true.)

And that was the beginning of you!

At first you were really ugly. Barely even edible, really:

You just floated around, day after day, flicking your fingers.

(*flick flick flick*)

If you're curious where on your mom you were, here's a handy diagram:

So, right armpit during the day, lower hemline at night.

Over time you grew bigger and bigger, and soon your wee little face was scaring the crap out of all our friends:

"Eeeaaaaat meeee."

Finally the emotional day arrived, and your mother and I were simply overcome at the thought of witnessing such a beautiful spectacle of radiant new life. [sigh]

And then a rainbow shot out of your mom's hoo-haw, tossing you a good 10 feet. Haha! You should've seen it, man. It was awesome!

Oh, don't look so worried. You turned out fine.

Thanks to wreckporters Paula L., Elizabeth S., Cariena B., Reed D., Valerie B., Kate M., Ashlee, Amber M., & Anony M., who will never hear "Rainbow Connection" the same way again.

« Sorry, Charlie | Main | Like a Boss »

Reader Comments (163)

Wow... the "Push, Nicole" cake really 'pushed' me over the edge! Who the heck EVER thought that was suitable for a CAKE? Card, maybe, but not something people eat!!! Gross!

March 2, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterZoquara

Seriously? Someone made a childbirth cake? I thought I had seen it all on here...

March 2, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterWoodElves

TOO funny today! Laughing out loud at that last one.

March 2, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKelly

OMG! Thank you for adding the rainbow! Maybe you should have covered up those creepy fetus cupcakes, too....

Wow, I loved your description of conception =). Rock on!

March 2, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Took me a looong time to see a rem in that one...

March 2, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterTuri

Wow--this answers SO MANY QUESTIONS!

Of course, it opens up, many, MANY more--with "why, why, for all that is good and lovely, and rainbow stripey, WHY!" as number one!

March 2, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterPrism

Holy Cow. OMG. I couldn't stop laughing through most of this post. Once I started, I could stop. I love the rainbow Hooha!

Most awesome work. I approve!

March 2, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterTrevor

The first few cakes are barely wrecky. Then we get to "Happy Sperm Day" and there's no refuge.

The fetus cupcakes are made all the scarier by the fact that I can't tell what's touching the left eyelid. Looks like an adult finger.

March 2, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterClassic Steve

Huh. Wow, my parents fooled ME.


March 2, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSarah

Va-dragon......LOL....too funny...thanks for the laugh!

March 2, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterPenny

Mommy, why is Superman melting?

March 2, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterTyler

if the 7yh cake didn't have the babies' heads randomly floating on the mom's shirt it would have been a really cute cake.

March 2, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJessica

I don't know which was funnier....the "rainbow hoo-ha" or the Va-Dragon. Thanks for the laugh!

March 2, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterPenny

I thought the cupcakes were bad and then we got to "Push Nicole". Who does this???!!!!???

March 2, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSheena

As bad as rainbow birth cake is (and I think "Rainbow Birth" is one of those books for people who want to meditate through birth instead of taking drugs), I'm really disturbed by the fetus cupcakes. It looks like something someone would be offering outside a Planned Parenthood.

March 2, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterCount Mockula

I'm going to have nightmares about some of these.

March 2, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterDom

I love the rainbow at the end. HA HA HA HA HA HA Who wants a cake like that???

March 2, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterShannon

Wow, and I thought posting sonogram pics on Facebook was disgusting. And then there were cupcakes....

March 2, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

These are disturbing. The fetus cupcakes have left me scarred. I can't even talk about Nicole's rainbow. Blech!

March 2, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterStuckinmypedals

Wow, I think those cupcakes are going to haunt me....

Love the Doctor Who reference :-)

March 2, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMelissa

They could have at least given the baby a parachute before they tossed him off of the airplane!

And that Welcome to the World in utero baby looks like the thing that hatched out of the guys stomach in Alien!

March 2, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterlaughingmom


Especially that LAST one!....


March 2, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMs. Blasé

I don't know if it's just me (since nobody else seems to be commenting on it) but for the last two posts, I can't see at least half of the pictures...what's going on?

March 2, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLissa

Kinda enjoying the sperms on the stork cake too.

I should print this up for "the talk" with my kids.

my wv is "thing". Just had to share.

March 2, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterFluffy Cow

I have to wonder if the "Happy Sperm Day" is a way of telling Ryan that ovulation has been achieved and it's time to get down to busienss? Or maybe it's some sort of vasectomy joke?

March 2, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterbassgirl

oh my, Jen. Your comments are priceless. i laughed out loud at the last one. "A rainbow shot out of your mommy's hoohaw." perfect. that's how i want to give birth - by rainbow.

March 2, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterErin

On second glance, Push Nicole is wearing a top (with frilly little sleeves, what?) and has some plastic baby bottle flotsam at the edges. It's like at some point in the design process, somebody said, "Let's have her Rainbow Bridge hanging out for the world to see, but don't even imply she might breastfeed this baby because that's just gross!"

Other than that, I laughed from beginning to end. The fetus cakes didn't bother me too much, but I think that stork might give me nightmares.

March 2, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterNaomi


March 2, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJimh.

The Ryan cake and the Push Nicole cake left me speechless. I mean really, must bakers(and I guess those ordering the cakes)continue to push the boundaries of taste and decorum? Good grief. The baby faced cupcakes are just down right disturbing. Who would want to eat that?

March 2, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterTed C

I am speechless...


March 2, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I'm laughing so hard I've got tears! This is hysterical!

I didn't really need to see the "goo" along with the sperm this early in the morning thank you. Gross.

"At first you were really ugly. Barely even edible, really" LOL! The baby looks like it's having a baby of its own.

Having had 2 little ones of my own, when they kicked it seemed like they were getting close to the armpit! Not quite that close though.

Those cupcakes were just...wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong!

Poor, poor Nicole. There are sooooo many things wrong about that cake. I mean other than the obvious sheer tackiness of it. The way the cake is presented, Nicole is standing on her head. She has a top that just covers her boobies - or is that a bra? The two extremely long squiggly hairs on her butt (they don't match the other "motion" lines). The fact that there are "motion lines! The baby bottle that seems to also have come out the the rainbow hoo-ha.

I'm guessing from how far the rainbow extends...that they were expecting a boy? There's a pot 'o gold joke there somewhere....

wv: enext: After delivering the baby, the doctor said, "Who's enext?"

March 2, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLoo-E Loo-I

Is that... a RAINBOW?? OMG!!! Just in case the "push" cake wasn't strange enough, let's add a rainbow shooting out with the baby... I had to run to the bathroom so I could laugh for five minutes without people thinking I was too crazy.

March 2, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Today is my heart-son's 17th birthday, and I, at first, was thinking of posting a link to today's blog on his FB wall. Then, I kept going. 17 may be too young.

Though, the rainbow hoohaw toss may explain somethings about him.

wv: sivicles - If a rainbow shoots out of your mother's hoohaw when you're born, is this a sign of the newly discovered STD, sivicles?

March 2, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterTheOneOnTheRight

Hilarious post! I thought the last cake was a tribute to another cake-wrecks horror from way back - the first censored cake :)

March 2, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterorna

Thanks for this. Now, if you'll all excuse me, I must go poke out my Third Eye with a spork...

March 2, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterBADKarma!

O_o my face after seeing those cakes

March 2, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Haha! Best post in a long time!!!

I'll admit it. The rainbow babypult shot cake is hilarious to me, and I don't think it's a wreck. I am twisted.

March 2, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterDanger Boy

Whoa, I hope there was someone with a catcher's mitt waiting at Nicole's nethers!

March 2, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterCaroline B

@ Anonymous 10:33

The rainbow was added to the picture by Jen as a cover up since Nicole's va-dragon was showing.

Trust me...we don't want to see that.

Speaking of body parts. Nice subtle phallic plane!

March 2, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLoo-E Loo-I

bwahahahhahahahaaha. geesh i have done that 3 times and never saw the rainbow...but this post is too freakin funny!!!!!! i am still staring at my monitor laugh insainly and my children think mommy has gone over the edge! lmfao!!!!

March 2, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Somehow, "Out, Out!" makes me think of Lady Macbeth more than childbirth. You'll never think of Shakespeare the same way again.

And the stork cake--is it really all that bad, considering all the OTHER pregnancy/birth wrecks that have been featured? One word: gelatin.

March 2, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterjohn

Horrifying. I am tempted to ban all cakes from my baby shower in order to avoid traumatizing the guests. And myself.

March 2, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterhalfheartedhippie

So what's the story on Ryan? Made a donation? First, um, nocturnal incident? Vasectomy pain?

As for the rest of this post, I will be chuckling nervously for the rest of the day, and I will otherwise be grateful that no child of mine after the first one will be having a baby shower!

March 2, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Is it just me who thinks the sperm cake may be a male "menarche" cake? Just me? OK. I have to go bleach my brain now...

March 2, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterBrooke

I might have to use this for a visual when i explain the birds and and rams to my daughter.

March 2, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJanice

Superman is Jewish.... who knew?

March 2, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMarc

The other day my 3yr old was talking about how she was once in my belly and then announced that she got there when I swallowed her. I just said, "Um no that's not how you got in there"

Now I've got this handy and tasty tutorial I'm sure she won't be confused any more.

March 2, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterDani

Did they really name the baby, "Journee"???

March 2, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterHeidi

I'm sorry but hoo-haws don't belong on cakes, not even if they're shooting out babies. The fetus cupcakes, however, take the cake. Sorry. Couldn't help myself.

March 2, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJelliDonut

PostPost a New Comment

Enter your information below to add a new comment.
Author Email (optional):
Author URL (optional):
Some HTML allowed: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>