U.S. Bakeries Predict A Bad Spell

[Breaking News] In a landmark decision that will no doubt affect all of our nation's cake lovers, the 5 major U.S. bakery chains released a joint statement today declaring, "No more happy birthdays."


"There comes a time when every corporation must acknowledge the truth," stated vice president Rex Tokum of the Your Dough, Your Tiers baking conglomerate.

"The truth is, it is impossible for all of our bakers to know how to spell 'happy birthday,' so as of today, we will no longer require them to."



When asked what this decision will mean for consumers, Tokum replied, "Look, the important thing is they're still getting cake. And at the end of the day, I'm pretty sure their kids won't care if it's spelled [using finger quotes] 'correctly' or not."



"We'll be encouraging creative expression," Tokum continued. "So long as there are a few correct letters and the general spirit of a happy birthday is present, our bakery employees will not be required to 'fix' any 'mistakes.'" (Tokum was again using finger quotes.)



Predictably, this decision has caused some backlash from the educational community. In fact, this reporter was planning on getting some quotes from the local school board, but then this reporter heard there was cake in the break room.

(I'm still not sure what the occasion was, but hey, CAKE. Am I right?)


Fortunately, there is hope on the horizon for you grammar-sticklers out there:

Plastic icing.

It's a perfect solution: elegant, fool-proof, and non-biodegradable.

To quote Rex Tokum, "I see a day coming when no baker has to spell OR decorate. We're just trying to get that day here a little faster."

Here, here, Rex. HEAR HEAR.


Thanks to Chad F., Walter B., Derick J., Amy S., Angela K., Julie W., Jean D., Kristy R., & Emily A. for finding just a few of the hundreds of misspelled "happy birthday"s we see every month.

Yes, the future's so bright, we're gonna need a flashlight.


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