Barbie Hurl

In honor of Barbie Day, here are a few tips for making the "perfect" doll cake.

- This is totally acceptable for a Groom's Cake:

No, really. She's got panties on, so it's cool.

- When making a doll dress cake, go for icing colors every little girl loves:

Specifically, the colors of despair and gnawing ennui.

- If your doll needs a bodice, be sure to pipe something fashionable and delicate:

- And while you're at it, try to make the cake part look more like a skirt, and less like an alien egg devouring the prom queen in a B-rated horror movie.

"Oh, Trevor, why did we go skinny-dipping in that cemetery at midnight? WHYYYYY??"

- If dress cakes are too intimidating, remember there's always this option:

Just keep it classy, minions.

(Good grief, it's like that bottle of tequila has never seen a Barbie upchuck before. I mean, hello, personal space, Jose!)

Hey, remember that traumatizing tunnel scene in the original Willy Wonka?
Pretty sure this is the cake version:

There's no earthly way of knowing
How much flotsam they were throwing
There's no knowing where we're going
Or any sign the wrecks are slowing!

Oh wait, that's not really a tip, is it? Hmm. Ah, ok, I've got one:

- Don't do this.

I should warn you: this next tip features a Barbie cake that is not professionally made. I repeat, NOT professionally made. But as a public service, I feel I have to share it anyway.

- Never ask your drunk roommate to make you a Barbie cake:

"Let's light this candle, b**ches!!"

(It made me laugh. WHAT.)

But to go out on a professional note:

- Nobody put Barbie in a corner.

She'll just sit there. Waiting. And watching.

Right, that's it for me! Y'all sleep well tonight.

Thanks to Erica D., Stephanie H., Bridget B., Kristie S., Lori, Luise D., Criss N., & Sarah W. for both the wide-eyed nightmare fuel and ALL the sprinkles. ALL OF THEM.

*****

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