My Other Blog

What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen

Tanks For The Memories

Over the weekend John tried to "fix" my latest bout of insomnia by dragging me out to a Flea Market after I'd had about 2 hours' sleep. I assume there was a reasoning behind this, something to do with sunshine, or walking around, or the fact that - ah, yes - there was a World War 2 re-enactment happening in the field next door.

It looked kind of like this, only somehow less sweaty.


So there I was, staggering through aisles of dusty antiques, car stereos, and questionable bulk candy (c'mon, how old ARE those dried papaya slices, really?), when all of a sudden the ground is shaking with mortar fire and explosions.

I never knew tanks had old-timey Cadillac fenders on them.

Come to think of it, I still don't.


John and I went outside to watch the giant clouds of smoke and running soldiers and whatnot for a bit, and naturally I snapped a few pics and video for the 'gram.

Which... inspired a few questions.

Later, as I attempted to explain to a few bewildered Europeans why we - and by "we" I mean Americans - sometimes drive around in tanks and shoot blanks out of machine guns for 30 minutes on a Saturday, it occurred to me there are probably lots of things we - still mean Americans - do that must seem odd to internationals.

Like our obsession with cupcake cakes (ptooie!):

(This could be the sleep deprivation talking, but is that another tank?)


Or our bizarre tradition of writing "We hope you fail, you're dead to us now" on farewell cakes:

::helpless shrug::


Or - my personal favorite - there's the way we can expertly critique everyone's Töedinlochslingers on The Great British Bake-Off, even though the most complex thing we've ever baked are canned crescent rolls.

Really feeling this one.

Just me?


That's the beauty of cakes wrecks, though, minions; they bring our nations together.

Unlike tanks.

Unless the tanks are cakes, maybe. Oh! Or better yet, wedding cakes. But c'mon, where am I EVER going to find a tank wedding ca... yeah who am I kidding here.



Tanks to Anony M., Shelley P., Christina H., Felicia R., Heather T., Rebecca K., & Lisa W. for helping me make Google searches for "Töedinlochslingers" go up about 1,000% today.


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Reader Comments (22)

Yeah, I looked it up. And on more than one search engine.

February 25, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterMudmusher

Töedinlochslingers...kind of like farfegnugen, except it's a a real word

February 25, 2019 | Unregistered Commenterkrazy kris

A Sleepy Lullaby for Jen

Go to sleep, go to sleep
Go to sleep, sleepy blogger
When you wake, you'll mistake all these cakes for tasty treats.

Go to sleep, go to sleep,
Go to sleep, tired tank girl
All around, there's the sound of a thousand fans' headdesks.

Go to sleep, close your eyes,
Rock yourself into slumber
Dream of white, greasy fields, made of buttercream and woe.

Close your eyes, dream of trips
To see figment and a grey beard
Far away, from cupcake cakes and insulting cookie words.

Why are *you* still awake?
Did this lullaby not soothe you?
Could it be, that like me, you now fear Chevys in a field.

Sorry Jen, I admit
That this is not soporific
But at least, with this feast, my weight gain will be terrific!

February 25, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterSomeone New (not Sharyn)

I bit- this page is the only page that comes up under "Töedinlochslingers". Impressive that Google has found your page that fast! Google translate does say the the singular form means nothing, but the plural form means Teddy bear pendants in Frisian. Is that what you meant? I don't watch the show...

Why ARE canned biscuits still a thing after all these decades? The ones I buy have instructions on how to open them without the popping, but I've never been able to make their technique work. No, it's not just you.

February 25, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterKaren

That first cake is frightening. What was it "supposed" to be?

I never knew there were so many cakes "wishing" people would fail...

Only you would find a tank cake! 😉

February 25, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterNew England Flybaby

The 2 piles of white poop really make that tank wedding cake special.

When a shotgun wedding won't cut it.

February 25, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterClassic Steve

Thank you for my only ever google-whack (where you only get 1 hit on a search)


Not counting that it brought up the main page and the specific page.
You are a brilliant genius.

February 25, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterGreta

Regarding pooping biscuit canned biscuits, you are most certainly not the only one. I have always hated it. Then I had one explode in my hands and shoot one biscuit plus the lid about 5 feet, and a second about a foot and a half. Turns out it was expired (I was home visiting from college and making my siblings breakfast; I didn’t think to check). Watch those expiration dates. 0.0. Oh, and you know how they say to use a spoon to press on the seam if it doesn’t pop open? I just whack them on the edge of the counter. At least then I’m in control of the bang.

February 25, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterCeci

There're only two results for "Töedinlochslingers" and they are both on your page. :P

February 25, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterLouise

I love that. I'm so hesitant when I open those canned biscuits my boyfriend always says "biscuits, did you get out your pith helmet and sandbags?"

February 25, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterMel

OK, as a naïve international, I've got to say: the only thing I find really surprising in your list to non-Americans is... canned biscuits. Why would you store biscuits in a can? And why oh why does it pop dangerously? I'm really bewildered.
PS. And if my biscuits are your cookies, I am aware of American biscuits. Still don't see how you could can them (nor why they would explode).

February 25, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterGingerSheep

@GingerSheep - Over here, baked-goods companies like Pillsbury sell refrigerated, unbaked dough for people who don't want to (or can't) make it from scratch. It can be a lot of things, not just biscuits - rolls, cinnamon buns, breakfast pastries, pretty much anything someone has said, "Can we cram this in a can and claim it's convenient?" It comes in cardboard tubes with a spiral seam (kind of like the ones in paper towels, but thicker), and to open it, you have to get the seam to pop, either by pressing on it with a utensil or smacking it against a hard surface. You never know when it's actually going to happen, and sometimes there's enough force to it when it does to be startling (and with a really pressurized can, sometimes the dough will pop out along with it). So for some of us it's like opening a jar that's not only stuck, but full of spiders: Just hand that right off to someone else. >.>

February 25, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterShy Little Squid

#1 May be the most unappetizing cake I've seen on here. (not counting explicitly-detailed-childbirth-cakes, which are a whole other class of wreck)

#2 Hmm. My guess is the baker heard that Porche designed the German tanks in WWII. But then the baker got confused about which car company, which country, & even about what a tank looks like & how big they are. (seriously, look at the scale with the tiny plastic guys on there)

#3 Considering some of the truly awful CCC's (ptooie) we've seen here, the orange creamsicle cupcake/tank isn't really that bad. I mean, at least it doesn't look like a wang! "dead to us" cakes.
I've been thinking about these... this could just be cultural misunderstanding.
Maybe this is an Irish thing? You know, cheerfully insult the people you like; begrudgingly compliment the people you hate.
Even if these cakes are from the US, there are quite a lot of Irish-Americans here (more than the entire population of Ireland actually), so it seems very possible.

# last cake
The flaccid gun barrel seems a bit....inauspicious. And what's with the white icing poo piles in the back?
Toppers are LEGO mini-figs! Everything is awesome. 10/10. ;p

"Why ARE canned biscuits still a thing after all these decades? The ones I buy have instructions on how to open them without the popping, but I've never been able to make their technique work."
"Oh, and you know how they say to use a spoon to press on the seam if it doesn’t pop open? I just whack them on the edge of the counter."

After years of dealing with "canned biscuits" & their various instructions on how to "properly" open them, I have reached one conclusion: The instructions are a lie...there is no way to open them without them popping.

They used to be known (at least on some locales) as "whop" in you whop 'em on the counter edge to open them, but nowadays the companies say to not do that.

I think it's a troll conspiracy.
I can just see the marketing department at Pilsbury discussing this:
Boss: "Okay so... people are complaining about the popping biscuits again... any ideas? Anyone?"
New Guy: "Well we could design better cans that open easily without popping!"
*cold silence & death glares from around the table*
Boss: *sighs heavily* "Okay, since you're new & don't understand how we do things here, we'll just let that go... for now. Now, how about some real ideas?"
Steve: "What if we make new instructions telling people not to whack the cans on the counter & say they can open the them just by peeling off the outer label instead?"
Alice: "Ooh & we could put the baking instructions on the seam, so that they tear them in half when they peel off the label, too!"
Tom: "And how about we tell them to press on the seam with spoon if it doesn't open from peeling the label? And then... *suppressing giggle* ...and then, get this, we reinforce the cans so the seams still won't open!"
*room breaks into howling, cackling laughter* (except New Guy, who is still too naive to get it)
Boss: "My God, Tom, that's pure gold, you're getting a bonus for that! Okay, let's write all this down & send it to production right away!"

February 25, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterNerfbomb


I posted my first comment before I saw your post.
The "canned" biscuits are not really in cans per se, but they're refrigerated biscuits in cardboard tubes. When the tubes warm to room temperature they tend to become pressurized inside and tend to "pop" open [at the seam of the tube], sometimes quite suddenly & even forcefully if there is enough air pressure inside them.
Here is a demonstration.

Perhaps you have these in your country, but by a different name? Hope that helps. :)

February 25, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterNerfbomb

That orange and white cupcake "is it a tank? I'm sleep deprived" picture *might* be a galleon under full sail coming straight towards the viewer... other than that I'm as baffled as you are.

February 25, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterJames

I gave up opening the canned biscuits and make my hubby do it lol. Scares me silly every single time and I expect it.. arghh. These "tanks" though wow..who would expect them to look so uh alien space craft like lol.

February 26, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterArleneMarie

Cup cake cakes are the worst, closely followed by Cookie cakes. Since when is a cookie a cake? Even iced, it's still not a cake, just a large iced cookie.
All the awful inscriptions just make me cringe.

February 26, 2019 | Unregistered Commenterriver

Classic Steve, you are so right about the shotgun wedding! This is why you don't mess around with a girl whose father runs a tank division.

Here in the UK, cupcakes are a big thing, but not CCCs. I've never seen one of those. Cupcakes are supposed to be beautiful!

Also, people hardly ever write on cakes, except 'Happy Birthday'. We just don't do icing insults. I don't know why not.

February 26, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterMorag

I hardly ever use canned biscuits, but my parents enjoyed the cinnamon rolls, so I've opened many a can in my time. I've never minded the pop. It's cathartic to whap the tube on the edge of the counter and have it yield. In fact, I'm always slightly disappointed when the tube opens gently upon having the label peeled off.

I think maybe the problem is allowing the can to sit at room temperature. If you open it while still chilled, you get less pop.

February 26, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterJoybeth

Wow! Never knew that Florida saw fighting action during World War 2... LOL!!!

February 27, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterPenny

In the white tank cake pic... what's with the Sgian-dubh? It's like a Scottish boot knife, not a "cut your wedding cake" knife.

People are weird.

March 10, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterSmantha

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