Santa Auditions

"Thank you all for coming to the Punxsutawney Mall Santa Auditions! We're here to find a special Santa 'stand-in' [winkwink] to take pictures with the kids this weekend. So, let's bring you in one by one, and have you give us your very best Santa greeting! Ok? Ok!

"First contestant, you're up!"

"ARR! Marrrrry Christmas, ye landlubbers!"

"Um...sorry, but I think we're looking for someone just a little more traditional. Next, please!"

"Bark! Bark bark bark bark!!"

"I'm confused. Are you a dog or a seal?"

"Not really sure, love, but look! I can throw things in the air!"

"Next!"

"Merry frickin' Christmas."

"Oh, my, is that really a proper Santa attitude?"

"Lady, quit screaming. Santa's head is KILLING him."

"NEXT!!"

"How much for the women?"

"NEXT!!"

[growling]

"Ohhh kaaaay. I'm going to back away slowly now.

"Well, that's everyone, so I guess we'll just have to go with Mrs. Claus again this year. That ok with you, Mrs. Claus?

"Mrs. Claus?"

[ .... ]

"Look, I know you're great with the kids, but maybe you could consider, you know, talking once in a while."

[ .... ]

"Or blinking."

Thanks to Nick K., Michelle C., Laura C., Kim P., Sarah M., & Katie C. for the Silent Fright.

*****

P.S. See this weird looking gizmo?

Shiatsu Shoulder Massager

Ever since I bought one 2 years ago every friend who's tried it has turned into a puddle of goo, and refused to move 'til it shut off. Its biggest fans are our Disney puppeteer friends; people using and wrecking muscles most of us don't even know we have. I keep buying more of these as gifts!

This massager can actually bruise if you're not careful; it's got serious power for even rock-hard knots, and with a little contorting you can reach your entire back. (I hold it diagonally to get below the shoulder blades, and around my waist for the lower back.) So hey, if December's left you beat up this year, give this baby a try!

******

And from my other blog, Epbot:

Watch Your Back, Frosty

The rest of the story is overrated. These seasonal snippets will do.

In a twist of festive irony, Santa later shot his own eye out.

Naturally, all Ralph Lauren cookie covers had to undergo a little "retouching."

Donner blamed Dasher, and Dasher blamed Vixen, but one thing was certain: they would never use the phrase "flipping his lid" again without wincing.

Their escape depended on luck, daring, and the fact that their snowy jailors had no arms.

To be fair, the woman never specified which part of the word to replace with an X.

So he bided his time, knowing someday, somehow, that smug self-satisfied snowman would pay.

Thanks to Kelly W., Matthew Z., Kimberly & Courtney, Joey T., Susan H., & Ann H. for showing us the Far Side of Christmas.

*****

P.S. Since this saved my butt during a long painting day recently, I have a random product recommendation:

No Buckle No-Show Stretch Belt

This is my new favorite belt, y'all. It basically turns anything with belt loops into an elastic waist. So comfy I forget it's on, slimline so it doesn't show under my t-shirts, and NO BELT BUCKLE to dig into my belly or unbuckle for bathroom breaks. Woohoo!

You know how stretch jeans are forever sliding down when you sit or bend, so you have to keep hitching them back up? No more! I wear this with all my jeans now. It's entirely elastic, so it moves and stretches with you, zero painful digging. I HIGHLY recommend for anyone well endowed with squish in the belly area.

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot: