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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen
Thursday
Jul302009

Who Cut the Cheese?

That's right, folks: the day you've been waiting for is finally here. All those hours of planning, long nights of anticipation, and stockpiling of Lactaid pills will finally pay off, because today...is National Cheesecake Day.

Now, I know what you're thinking. "Jem," you're thinking - because you frequently get me mixed up with the 80s cartoon rocker - "Jem, how is it even possible to Wreck a cheese cake?"

Why, like this, my adorably confused reader:

[singing] "This-is-how-we-do-it!"

Aww, I see this was taken on my birthday, Mike & Angie. Well, thanks for the thought and all, but that drippy brown splotch has just reminded me: I...uh...don't eat drippy brown splotches. Sorry.

So that's a traditional cheesecake Wreck, but what if I told you it gets even Wreckier?

BEHOLD, THE WEDDING CHEESE CAKE WRECK!!!

Yes, my dear Wreckies, I'm afraid it's true: that is a "cake" made entirely of cheese. And not a sweet cream cheese, either - oh no. I'm talkin' the stuff that gets described with words like "sharp," "green veining," and "stinky feet." And it's a wedding cake.

I wish I could say this is a one-time fluke, but unfortunately wedding cheese "cakes" are a growing trend. They're not in addition to the traditional cake, either; they're in place of it. Meaning there is no actual wedding cake at these weddings - just cheese. Cheese! As if that's an acceptable substitute!


What happened to the time-tested wedding arrangement? You know, the one where we bring expensive linens, crystal, and espresso-makers in exchange for a free meal, a little boozy dancing, and a slice of gorgeously decorated, oh-so-scrumptious cake?

Frankly, it only adds insult to injury when someone tries to "pretty" these things up, too:

Fake flowers and ribbon pinned (yes, pinned) into cheese wheels does not an elegant "cake" make.

Still, nothing's as bad as combining cake, cheese, and a pork pie all into a single display:

The question is, can you tell which layer is which?

Cass J., Anony M., Stella P., & Second Anony., I Camembert it; all the Gouda puns Havarti been used!


- Related Wreckage: "Cake" Cruelty


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Reader Comments (277)

Wallace and Gromit! One of those cakes must be made of wensleydale.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRedheaded Wonder

Cheese cake is not my favorite dessert..............well now I don't think I will ever eat it again. Those pics are disgusting!!!!

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered Commentersummur braley

My 8 year old son said, "Those are not cakes, they are piles of cheese!"
Very interesting new fad for sure!

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterתַּמְצִיתִי

Oh dear god I have to know which country/state the cheese and pork pie is from. I will forever have a personal vendetta against that locale now that the people from there have just make me lose my breakfast. And skip lunch.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterHolly

DevNAbbyMom said at 10:18 AM...

"Or even worse...GULP...SPAM CAKE!"

If anyone decides, in a moment of absolute insanity, to make this (particularly the wedding cake incarnation of it - *shudder*), remember to take pics and send it here and to thisiswhyyourefat.com for us all to gawk at. ^^

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterEvalis

Why couldn't this trend have happened when I was managing a cheese shop? Why? Why?

That said, I would make this in addition to, not instead of, a cake. I love cake. I love cheese. Best of all worlds.

WV: frewfi : we all want free wfi

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Jem and the Holograms was, like, the best show. Ever. Period.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAphrodine

I, personally, don't like the taste of cake or especially icing, and I'm not supposed to eat too many carbs anyway due to medical conditions. I'd love a cheese cake at my wedding. The only other option would be to order a cake that I wouldn't eat.

How funny that you're all so horrified by the cheese wedding cakes, this is actually the only thing I can imagine persuading me to ever get married. Least wrecky wreck ever, but interesting cultural divide. God bless cheese. (I'm posting from the UK)

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterFrances

Now, I love cheese, but this just ain't right.
First, weddings need cake (and cheese, but not in place of cake).
And second, dressing up cheese as you might a cake? Wrong again. Cheese is lovely like a crack in a zen vase. Don't stick a fake flower on it. That's like trying to make veggies into meat.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAlex

OK that is just cruel. Now, I love cheese as much as the next person...probably more, in fact. And while that cheese "cake" idea may be a cute idea for the mingling/hor d'oeuvre hour and may even be cute if the couple were into wine & vineyards...but you can't just NOT HAVE REAL CAKE. That's so lame.

The second to last cake with the pinnings just looks like alternating layers of marble slabs.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRachel

On the cheesecake wreak who would want the piece covered in "pp"?

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Ahhh, those heady days with friends & family... when you can serve them MOLD and get presents in return... I love weddings!!!

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I understand the need for cheese, just don't try to disguise it as cake! We need our cake!

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMari

at least the red one looks like they tried to make it beautiful...can't say the same for the others...

Hello, I'd like a slice of the Lancre Bleu, please... *shudder*

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterEmily

Sounds like the bride and groom eat low carb : )

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRobin Bayne

Eww! Just Eww!

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterShellgirl

Bahaha! I love Jem :) I also think the all the Gouda Havarti joke was hysterical. I giggled terribly and co workers glared at me. Good stuff!

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterErin

I love cheese with a passion that can't be compared to most things...
this... is a cheese travesty as well as a cake travesty. Double travesty!!

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRenny

Oh wow, those wedding "cakes" look delicious! As a cheese fan, I would love to have one of those at my wedding. :)

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterNick

I love cheese (almost as much as Wallace & Gromit - thanks, Redheaded Wonder, for making sure they get their due on a post about cheese), but I want to see a real cake at a wedding. Cheesecake is fine, just not cheese as cake.

And the pork pie / cheese / cake one makes me scared of what my British and Eastern European friends will dream up for their upcoming wedding. Or maybe I missed it and this is what they had!

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

hahahah! I love these!

I would never have come up with this on my own. Nor do I have no plans to marry. But I confess there was a fleeting moment when I saw them that I suddenly wanted to have a wedding and serve a giant stack of cheese wheels cake. Now, I can appreciate a pretty and delicious real cake as much as the next girl. But these table-creaking monstrosities make me weak at the knees. My eyes are boggling. They're glorious! They're cheese! MmmmmmmMMMmm.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMichelle S.

Seriously, you guys only go to weddings for the cake??? Duude.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I have no problem with a cheese arrangement at a wedding, if the people are so inclined. But I rather not see the crusty, moldy skins on the damn cheese wheels festooned with organza and flowers!

:|

WV: recalk - like recaulking but for cheese.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterPassion Fruit

I like cheese. I like cake. I like cheesecake. But to make wacky combinations of the three or substitute one for the other is well, just wrong.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

you've featured dead body cakes, all-too-real-looking fish replica cakes, and insect cakes - none of which made my stomach churn. I had started to think I was losing my gag reflex.

...that 'pork pie' number just about did me in though (*moves garbage can closer, just in case*)

heebedee jeebedee.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterashleyalvina

But I LIKE big wheels of ripe, runny or stinky (or all three) cheese. And pork pie.

of course, we did the cheese as part of the "cocktail hour" at our wedding. We didn't do cocktails, come to think of it. We served home brewed beers, big soft pretzels (warm) and a selection of fine cheese (some stinky, some runny, all big). We got cake at the end, thee layers, three flavors, and my greedy guests ate all of the best flavor before I got to taste it.

But I dunno, cheese at the end of the meal is actually more traditional in most cultures.

I once made a cheesecake with Roquefort-a layer of pears in the middle. It was more of a snack thing for a party. People loved it.

Would the wheels of cheese be OK if they were decorated, say, by Duff Goldman in a professional and whimsical way?

What if it was really cake, but made so well that it LOOKED like a few wheels of cheese? Or better yet, a cake that looked like a pork pie?

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

When my brother got married, he and his wife had Pizza in tiers, instead of cake. Because they don't like cake. WHO DOESN'T LIKE CAKE?

I'm not opposed to the idea of a cheese cake at a wedding, provided it accompanies the real cake. I think it would be a cute idea to be served with grapes and crackers and whatever else goes with cheese. (I would stick with pretty cheese though.) But as the primary cake, I don't think so. Pork pie on the other hand should not EVER be seen at a wedding. I've only had it once, and that's enough for me. By the way, definitely the pork pie on top, then cheese in the middle and cake on bottom. I can only image pork pie niblets falling onto that very plain looking cake. I'm sure that would make for a memorable reception!

agirlinherkitchen.blogspot.com

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterElizabeth

Wow, people are really greedy. I would think the reason to go to a wedding is to see people you like get married and help them celebrate-not to stuff your greedy face with cake.

@KAren: the wedding is not for the flower girl and ring bearer.

@ Basie: we have become Americans who don't eat cake at every wedding. it doesn't ruin our culture, whatever that is.

@ Ginger B: it isn't just the UK..most of the rest of the world has a cheese course for dessert or between dinner and dessert. Americans screwed it up.

There are people who go to weddings just to eat cake? Wow, people, please stay away from me. For shame! You should go to the wedding to celebrate the people who are getting wed.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Heehee, nice one noticing the pp on the cheesecake!

A cheesecake wedding cake is a great idea! If you don't want a cake, maybe serving squares of cheese would be OK, but not just a big block of cheese. That reminds me of The Summer of George where George eats a wheel of cheese in his underwear.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSteph

Cheese > Cake

I prefer a good cheese to a bad dry cake like those served at every wedding ever. Or, you know, just cling to tradition, because if we've always done it, it can't be wrong!

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJak

Awful waffle.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered Commenter.elle denise.

Gross. Just gross.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBellaLovesPink

As much as my partner and I love cheese, I don't think even *we* would have a cheese "cake" as our wedding cake. Maybe in addition to, though. ;)

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterjackie31337

You are not allowing for cultural differences. :) In England, wedding cake is traditionally fruit cake (the fruit soaked in rum variety) covered in fondant. Frankly, when faced with that and cheese, I'll take the cheese anyday.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Actually, while I wouldn't REPLACE the cake with a 'cheese cake', I think it would make for an awesome groom's cake or something. Mmmm, cheese.

Also... "What happened to the time-tested wedding arrangement? You know, the one where we bring expensive linens, crystal, and espresso-makers in exchange for a free meal, a little boozy dancing, and a slice of gorgeously decorated, oh-so-scrumptious cake?"
Maybe this is the bride and groom's way of punishing the people who show up to their $300-a-head open-bar wedding with a $10 Wal-Mart gift card, used "As Seen on TV" tchotchke or even empty-handed, instead of with the espresso maker or linens?

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered Commentergreyfuzzy

I don't go to every wedding just for the cake. But if I'm dragged along because my wife knows the girl getting married and I've never met either person, I have to admit the cake is the highlight of the event for me.

I don't think everyone's being completely literal when they say they only go for the cake. Unless they're crashers, that's simply not true. So let's all just calm down and enjoy the cheesy goodness.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTaylor

I had a cheese wedding cake, and it looked awesome. then again, it did have dinosaurs on it. I also had normal cake though. and muffins.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKirsty

I love cheese, too. And cake! But to lure people to an American wedding whose tradition it is to serve cake-cake, and serve cheese instead, is a dirty trick! Besides, those piles of Brie in that one cake are a travesty... an afront to a perfectly yummy cheese.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered Commentereilbeback

WOW. I'm speechless. Seriously...cakes made from CHEESE? Wrong on so many levels.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJen

I think this is definitely a cultural divide - these cheese 'cakes' are very popular in the UK for couples that prefer savoury to sweet. Even without a 'cake', there's normally a cheese tray.

And I think America is really the only country where it's not normal to have a cheese course at the end of the meal - although, having seen what sometimes passes for cheese in America, I don't blame you (joke!)

Honestly, you Americans are such philistines (joke!)

p.s. pork pies are delicious!

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLouise

wowee! Those are some amazing cakes! I am a total cheese-whore so the sight of those huge rounds of cheese is making my head spin and my mouth drool!

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterburpandslurp

Oh! A wedding with a cheese cake is like Thanksgiving with BBQ beef (that was not a good year, let me tell ya!).

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMJS

Wow...I'd thought I'd seen it all on this site, but this one got me. What really gets me is the fact that the cheese was probably sitting out for hours.

And yes, I agree that Jem was one of the more awesome creations of the 80s :)

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterewesley98

DevNAbbyMom said Or even worse...GULP...SPAM CAKE!

You know what would be perfect on a Spam cake? E-Z-Cheez frosting. It has that star nozzle built right into the can. You could make yourself a pretty fancy Spam cake with that.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterjackie31337

a few years back, I was working as a Nanny. On this particular day we had visit for the 4'Oclock tea and was asked to bake a cheese cake but it was supposed to be pretty easy since DrOetker would help! but somehow, I got distracted by the kids playing around in the kitchen and forgot to put the cheese in the mix! Later when the guest arrived, we served the cake but realized something was wrong but could not figure out what... ater that night, we found the cheese stil in the fridge...oops! my bad!...

good thing though, they didn't ask me to bake after that (which you coud probably tell, I suck at!)

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I guess I'm a "best of both worlds" kind of girl but, I'd have the cheese "cakes" for the appetizer course and a traditional American wedding cake for dessert. That way everybody wins!

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMichelle

EEEEWWWWWWWWWW! It looks like these were *real* cakes from a wedding a few months ago, just all moldy and gross now!!

BTW, I'd be so pissed if I went to a wedding and was only offered CHEESE! Isn't wedding cake the whole reason people get married?!?!?!

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterjess

Wow, I'm definitely more blown away by people's responses than the cheese-wrecks. It's not a wedding if there's no cake? Really?

I admit, these examples are pretty wrecky, but I've seen several of these cheese wheel cakes done well and if it's more personal for the bride and groom, why not? There are some really fantastic cheeses out there.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterValerie

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