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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen
Thursday
Jul302009

Who Cut the Cheese?

That's right, folks: the day you've been waiting for is finally here. All those hours of planning, long nights of anticipation, and stockpiling of Lactaid pills will finally pay off, because today...is National Cheesecake Day.

Now, I know what you're thinking. "Jem," you're thinking - because you frequently get me mixed up with the 80s cartoon rocker - "Jem, how is it even possible to Wreck a cheese cake?"

Why, like this, my adorably confused reader:

[singing] "This-is-how-we-do-it!"

Aww, I see this was taken on my birthday, Mike & Angie. Well, thanks for the thought and all, but that drippy brown splotch has just reminded me: I...uh...don't eat drippy brown splotches. Sorry.

So that's a traditional cheesecake Wreck, but what if I told you it gets even Wreckier?

BEHOLD, THE WEDDING CHEESE CAKE WRECK!!!

Yes, my dear Wreckies, I'm afraid it's true: that is a "cake" made entirely of cheese. And not a sweet cream cheese, either - oh no. I'm talkin' the stuff that gets described with words like "sharp," "green veining," and "stinky feet." And it's a wedding cake.

I wish I could say this is a one-time fluke, but unfortunately wedding cheese "cakes" are a growing trend. They're not in addition to the traditional cake, either; they're in place of it. Meaning there is no actual wedding cake at these weddings - just cheese. Cheese! As if that's an acceptable substitute!


What happened to the time-tested wedding arrangement? You know, the one where we bring expensive linens, crystal, and espresso-makers in exchange for a free meal, a little boozy dancing, and a slice of gorgeously decorated, oh-so-scrumptious cake?

Frankly, it only adds insult to injury when someone tries to "pretty" these things up, too:

Fake flowers and ribbon pinned (yes, pinned) into cheese wheels does not an elegant "cake" make.

Still, nothing's as bad as combining cake, cheese, and a pork pie all into a single display:

The question is, can you tell which layer is which?

Cass J., Anony M., Stella P., & Second Anony., I Camembert it; all the Gouda puns Havarti been used!


- Related Wreckage: "Cake" Cruelty


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Reader Comments (277)

My OCD kicked in. I found myself counting the letters in Happy Birthday and the number of slices to see how they should have spaced it out on the first cake, in order to write the greeting all the way around. Please help me, I think I'm losing it.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCaitlin

FYI: In celebration of National Cheesecake Day, The Cheesecake Factory is has their cheesecakes for half off!

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCarrie

I like the idea of a cheese board as wedding cake, but why are they so hideous?

And that would be when me (and my gift) headed out the door. No cake?!? That's cruel and unusual punishment.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Dear Jem,

Firstly, I love your music. I used to watch your show all the time. I'd kill for that hair.

But what I really wanted to talk about was the offensive material that you showcased on your last entry named "Who Cut the Cheese?". Cheese cakes, cream or wheels, are highly offensive to my being.

I mean that in the most literal sense. Being lactose intolerant, my body ached in remorse and literal pain of a possible gaseous situation.

I was a loyal reader, lurker and true, and now I'm swaddled in doubt at my blog reading choosing. What if my non-existent child saw this entry? They might become bold enough to make one of these lazy cheese wheel cakes and try and serve it to me. And who would I be to say no to my fictional brat. I just can't face the possibility that I child that doesn't exist could cause me to forgo my biology and torture me with Shropshire and brie.

I am reluctant to say that I will be reluctant to read your future entries reluctantly. I can handle boobs, phallic symbols, obscenities, racial slurs, and pooh allusions just fine but dairy (other than that normally found in cake baking) is going too far.

Your Holograms performances aside, I'm very disappointed in this entry.

Sincerely,
Flatulent Fan

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterE.M. Green

Oh. My. Gosh.
What kind of a wine do you serve with THAT?!

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRaspberry

Now I love cheese, cake, and cheesecake, but these cakes are ridiculous!! Cheese shouldn't replace cake at a wedding! I can see it at a buffet or something, but not a wedding. If the happy couple wants cheese, fine, let them eat it. But please serve the guests the real thing!

wv: unchani - the resemblance of these cakes to real cakes is unchani, in addition to unappetizing

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLaura

Its not that cheese is disgusting, its the HUGE presentation that is off putting. Can you imagine the odiferous cosequences a tower of fermented, moldy, sour milk produces? Yuck..cheese is described as smelling like vomit, sweat, fungal feet, and dare I mention the medical discription of a womans vaginal yeast infection...as "cheesy" odor. After thinking about this I know why you'll only find a small amount of mild chedder in my fridge.
To each his own but in my book a nice cheese platter is attractive but the stinky cheese tower is a Cake Wreck.
I'm new to this blog and I love the laughs. Thanks

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Dearest E. M. Green,

I am tasked each and every day with reading through the many many comments we get here on Cake Wrecks. Most of the time, I look them over, and put them through if I don't find anything offensive. Occasionally, I'll show Jen a particular comment as soon as it pops up because I think she would want to read it right away as opposed to the end of the day when she usually reviews the day's comments. I actually read your comment aloud to Jen. That's pretty rare.

You rock.

john

I was like "Hey a cheese cake wedding cake? That's bri-" And then the ugly truth set in.

Why would you do that? It's so hideous. I think they threw a wedding where they hated all of the guests just to make them suffer.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Jem, all i can think of is Jem! the hideous Jem barbie doll my sister toted around... ooh, put it on one of those...um...cakes. thanks!

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Ewww is all I have to say to that pork thing. EWWW!!!

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Well, I have been sufficently horrified for the rest of my life! Thank you! This is just so wrong!

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterHEATHER

I suppose if Wallace (of Wallace and Grommit fame) was getting married, this would fit the bill.
WV: My heart "syngs" that my birthday cakes have never been made out of cheese.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRuthie

Oh, I love the fungus-covered cheese cakes. It looks like something you'd find at a zombie wedding. Or in the fridge of a bride-gone-insane who was stood up at the altar but refuses to throw away the cake.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterHanna

Oh unspeakable words.
The second one...
I can't see what the grotesque-looking bride & groom dolls reeaally look like...but that is a GOOD thing.
I can't really PROVE that it's mold creeping up the side of that one cake layer ... that's a REALLY GOOD thing.
I can HOPE those aren't blops of small-dog feces circling between the two thickest cheese layers... so there you go-- that is a REALLY REALLY GOOD GOOD thing.
And hey--I don't care WHAT the occasion is--a wedding, a shower, a lawn sale, or a freaking out-on-bail celebration; I love cheese with every curd of my being.
But that thing is just UGLY to an as-yet-undiscovered degree.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered Commentersendingtheclowns

We have the same birthday!!!! Cheese is good for you.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMrs. Foodie

I can't help but wonder what the Branston Pickle and Colman's mustard seen in the last picture will be used on, urgh.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRozi

ahhhhhhhh ewwwwwww ohhhhhhh!!!!!
wow! just wow!

~lucia

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLucia

Just looking at all that cheese could make me constipated for a month.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJen Joy

ya know...if it was just a nifty way to make the cheese plate different and more wedding-y...I might not mind. but skipping the real cake to have that? um....no.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDeirdre

Strong cheeses can be made into savory cheesecakes. Just decorating plain cheese wheels seems lazy to me. Delicious! But lazy.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Personally I can't stand cheesecake, and after seeing these cakes.... I hate them even more. *barf*

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRachael

You. Have. Got. To. Be. Kidding. Me.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTara

My first thought upon viewing the first cheese wedding cake was that it was ugly, but not THAT bad.

Then I realized what it was, and I died a little inside.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnna Cassidy

Clearly vegans weren't on the guest list...

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterj.cro

Hmmm....two of the layers/wheels on the 3rd wedding cake down are--I SWEAR-- made of different-colored GRANITE.
I live in a city that is *famous* for its granite quarries, granite-laden cemetaries, granite tourist attractions, and myriad granite products, so (as boring as the subject might be) I know my granite.
Fascinating.
I didn't know that there was an igneous cheese.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered Commentersendinthenewclowns

E.W.!.!.!

I'm thinking maybe these are diabetic people getting married? Can't have traditional wedding cake? I don't know. Please don't shoot me.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAunt of 14

That was ridiculously awesome.

AFWingMom Lisa

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAFWingMom

FYI, anonymous, pork pie is nothing like chicken pot pie. It's a dense sausage-like slab of ground and re-formed pork inside a pie crust. Usually with a thick layer of that gelatin goop like inside a can of Spam. In fact, it's a lot like Spam with a pie crust where the can should be.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAlana

at least we haven't seen any headcheese wedding cakes....yet.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I had a cheesecake for my wedding, but it was made of actual cheesecake, not Brie (ew). It was pretty, with red rose petals and little sauces on the side for strawberry, chocolate, or caramel cheesecake fans. Honestly, the cake was the best part of the wedding (certainly better than the groom).

angietheantitheist.blogspot.com

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAngie Jackson

What is this!? Low-carbers gone mad???

I don't eat dairy/eggs so most cakes are a no go for me as it is, but to have the cake be actual just straight up cheese?

Ick.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterweeona

So, back to the "stone" cheese that I can't seem to get out of my head--the one with the ribbons nailed on and the clunky, silvery stand that looks like it should have a music box inside.
Yeah, that one.
Look, I'd really like to think that this one was actually NOT for a wedding--could you please humor me on this? I mean, take a stroll around that room...look at the "reception" table. Mismatched particle board? No linens? The only *pizazz* is under the cake, in the form of a pouf of blood-colored polyester...
Look at the curtain thingy behind the boring, board-room chairs; it looks like something that's drawn between hospital beds. Festive, much?
I'm done. What I am willing to accept here is that this is a photo of a room in a community club type of hall... like for, say, the Royal Order of Cheese Kings Choosing Heavy Essentially Elemental Savory Edibles [ROCK CHEESE].
They could be throwing someone's retirement bash here.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered Commentersendinthenewclowns

I own every season of Jem on DVD!

I had to stop watching it because my 3 year old started mimicking the "Misfits". Oy.

Truly truly truly outrageous!!!

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRachele

You know, having that as an aside wouldn't be bad at all, at least if they left off the doll toppers *gag*

But in place of an actual cake? I'd be embarrassed to do that to my guests!

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterdesibarbossa

Yuk! Is that a European thing? Cheese--real cheesecakes? They've got to be kidding!

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAmy

I don't know how they have the guts! Aren't they afraid to be murdered by cake-craving wedding guests? :/ I know I would be.

I wouldn't mind a cheesecake wedding cake, though! (As in actual cheesecake.) I looove me some non-smelly cheesecake.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterIngeborg

I like it. You can have cake ANY time. You can probably make a better cake than you get at most weddings. But cheese? A GOOD cheese? And do you have any idea what a good cheese costs? I imagine those cheese cakes cost as much as a wedding cake. Not that I know the price of wedding cakes these days...

If I could have Martha Stewart's people make me a cheese cake for my wedding*, I'd serve it. And then I'd offer little tiny cakes for people who'd like something sweet to end the day with.

*wedding entirely fictional and in no way in the offing.

("Andepoi" Hawaiian meets Peruvian in this tasty, festive treat!)

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterenfanta

That second cheese wedding cake is GROSS! Who would want that?

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Who would have thought there would have been cakes made of cheese? On Cake Wrecks? Jem, you are truly outrageous!

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRose A.

Hey, Sendinthenewclowns, now it all makes sense!

The perfect troll wedding cake: A delightful selection of granite, shale, marbles, and stones delicately decorated with fragrant, colorful mosses and weeds and delicate slime molds from Lancre. Served alongside the shop specialty of meat (not on a stick), in a crust specially created by the best Dwarven bakers.

Call: Cut-me-own-throat Dibbler, master confectioner.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermsyendor

I like cheese. A LOT. I would never even fathom having a wedding cake made entirely of cheese. I mean, dang.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterPeachkins

Ew.. just ew.

Anonymous said...

Wow, people are really greedy. I would think the reason to go to a wedding is to see people you like get married and help them celebrate-not to stuff your greedy face with cake. [snipped]

There are people who go to weddings just to eat cake? Wow, people, please stay away from me. For shame! [snipped]

Clearly, our humor is far too intelligent for your comprehension. Since you find us shameful and greedy, why don't you toddle off to a "just us" blog and bother with us no more?

By the way.. I wouldn't eat the cheesy cakes. I might taste a shaving of each, but cheese for a cake IS wrong. Have what you like for your wedding, but if you have to take home multiple wheels of cheese that only have small bits missing, you've wasted your food budget.

Preview WV: Perit. Perit the thought of Holier Than Anon might actually show up at MY wedding.
Publish WV: Snize. Anon's snize attitude has ruined my good mood. Fortunately, I don't let such things weigh on me too long.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterStrange Angel

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little... urp.

~Faith

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterFaith

I'm utterly confused by the shock and horror in this comments section. I think a cake made of cheese sounds absolutely delightful (and no, I'm not from the UK, I'm an American living in America.) Cheese is a traditional last course in many places, including in many American restaurants, which is why I find this mass confusion...confusing. If the bride and groom prefer savory cheese over sweet cake, who's to tell them that they're wrong?

I'm also surprised by the horror surrounding the pork pie. Are people perhaps misunderstanding and thinking that it's sweet? It's not, it's just cooked meat with a sauce and possibly some vegetables, inside a pastry crust. Like chicken pot pie. What could be more delicious?

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRickie

Er...cake, cheese, pork? At least they gave the guests choices.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterisabellerogers

Cakes of Cheese...ewww!!!!!

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Wait ... you're NOT Jem, of the Holograms?

*puts away her 80s cartoon autograph book*

I like cheese, and have no problem with cheese trying to look pretty as a cake. But when it tries to replace cake? You're absolutely right. That crosses the line!

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCatrine

Wow, that last picture. I think I just threw up a little.

July 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterChar

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