Grooms-to-be, we need to talk.
Your future wife has probably been planning her dream wedding since puberty. So your job is to pick a groom's cake that shows you gave this one small decision more than 5 minutes' thought with a Magic 8 Ball while you waited for Halo to load.
So. A few tips:
- Don't give your infantile friends the chance to make "Big Melon" jokes:
Because you know they will, and probably to your future mother-in-law.
- While we're at it, don't give your friends any openings for "limp hose" jokes, either.
They'll probably save those for their toasts.
("Good luck in China!")
- Also avoid any implication that you're having a shotgun wedding...
(...and that multiple shots were required)
...or that you were a sitting duck.
(That is a cake, right? The masterful camouflage is making it so hard to see!)
- And finally, never, EVER, give your friends and family a reason to think your marriage might go down the crapper:
Thanks to Todd Kim, Anon M., Katie L., Allison, Anna C., Anon., and Solli S. for joining me in a rousing rendition of "Here Comes the Snide."