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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)

- Jen
Tuesday
Dec112012

The Blizzard of Odd

It's only two weeks 'til Christmas, bakers. Quick! THROW PLASTIC CHRISTMAS FLOTSAM ON EVERYTHING!

Oh come on, man. PUT YOUR BACK INTO IT!

 

That's better.

 

Now, go make some cupcake cakes {PATOOIE!} that defy all laws of logic and common sense. DO EEET!

 

Yessss, and use sprinkles instead of colored icing! GENIUS!

 

I don't know what's happening here, but I like where your head's at.

 

Ok, now make a Christmas King Cake, because it's been WAY too long since those things got me in trouble:

 

Of COURSE you can still use the purple sprinkles and little plastic baby, silly! It's a King Cake! But for Christmas! AND THIS MAKES TOTAL SENSE!

 

Now pass the eggnog, and let's go flash people on the street with our ugly Christmas sweaters for tinsel!

WHOAH THERE, St. Nick. I said flash our sweaters!

And you call yourself a saint. REALLY.

 

 

Thanks to Daisy B., Andrea J., Ginny V., Lizz, Holly H., & Christine V. for the cup of holiday crazy.

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Reader Comments (81)

Kugel, a traditional Ashkenazi Jewish dish. With a Santa on top...

*facepalm*

December 11, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterUldi

Here I'd been thinking "gee, those last Santa cupcakes weren't too bad." Then I read your comment below, did a double take and started laughing. Thank you for my morning boost, even if it is a bit warped lol.

December 11, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterakathleen

Not knowing what on earth that 1st CCC is will drive me crazy all day!

Why is St. Nick wearing the pope's hat (albeit in christmas red)? And isn't he a tad early to be flashing for Mardi Gras beads? The christmas King cake must have gotten him in the spirit early.

December 11, 2012 | Unregistered Commentermeeshybee

Sung to “Santa Baby”

Santa boobies, might be the weirdest things I can see, oh me
I’ve seen some awfully bad cakes
Santa boobies, could someone please explain them to me?

First a flower, mounded with frosting and plastic lights, that’s right
Then inexplicable cakes you’ve baked
I don’t think that you used those pans right.

Cupcake cakes I wish I’d missed
Zaphod Beeblebrox is gonna be so pissed
And King Cake is just not good
Who puts plastic babies in their Christmas food?

Santa boobies, are still the weirdest things I can see, oh me
I’ve seen some awfully bad cakes
Santa boobies, could someone please explain them to me?

December 11, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSharyn

YELLOW SNOW!!!!! EEEEEEwwwwww!!!

December 11, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterShirley Fowley

I'm not quite sure what you're getting at with Cake 4, but I'm trying to not be too literal here. Cake 1 ain't so bad, in fact I kinda like it, but I can't make sense of Cakes 2 and 3 at all!

Great post for mid-December, Jen. :)

December 11, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterIzzy

(P.S. see cake #2. ) For those of you from non-snowy areas, Never touch Yellow snow, especially near the curb where people walk their dogs.… enough said?!

December 11, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterShirley Fowley

I search-engined "Kugel-Nikolo" and it looks like it might be German for a tree ornament.

December 11, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterCC

Is the third photo supposed to be a guy driving a snowplow? Usually, I'm better at guessing, but it just makes me sad today.

December 11, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKittymama

Can anyone tell me what cake #3 was supposed to be? (The white snowdrift with the weird brown and red box in the middle.) Please?

December 11, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMuria

"Kugel" is scoop, as in scoop of ice cream, in German. And that is no Santa Claus but a Nikolo, who comes dressed as a bishop and brings oranges, chocolate, nuts, and small gifts to kids in Austria and Germany at the beginning of December. He was here last week. Sadly, he was as somber as ever and didn't flash any pink boobs!

December 11, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAHA

St. Nick is wearing a bishop's mitre, because he was _gasp_ a bishop.

December 11, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterOldish Lady

Well, who knew what was under that big red coat of his, anyway? Maybe Santa's trying to tell us something...?

December 11, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSaraCVT

Kugel means ball in German. The Jewish/Askenazi kugel was originally round, although cylindrical, not spherical.

December 11, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterLaura

Cakes #2 aren't so bad, but I do have an issue with them being in a pumpkin pan that didn't get used for Halloween or Thanksgiving and the use of the color yellow for the writing of Snow is in bad taste. What the heck is #3 suppose to be? I see a grill left out in the snow no matter how I tilt my head.

December 11, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSharon's Edible Art

FYI the pictures aren't showing up today-- yesterdays are, so I'm not sure what's going on, as some of your other readers can see them fine (based on the comments). I'm not even getting the empty box that happens when things don't load correctly; it's just text, like some of your intros... but no picture happens.

December 11, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAliza

Cake number 3 obviously represents the emptiness some feel during this
overly festive time. The figures on the left have struggled out of the void and into the
fluffy white joy of hopefullness.

Or maybe it's the parking lot at the mall after they've plowed all of the snow into the
the "Handicap Permit Required" spaces.

December 11, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSuBee

Thanks for the info., AHA. I think the small children in Austria and Germany are lucky because I'd love to receive oranges, chocolate and nuts -some of my favorite things!

December 11, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterCC

So THAT'S what Santa does in his spare time!!

December 11, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterThe Witch's Kitchen

There's always room for a Zaphod Beeblebrox reference. Sharyn FTW. Stay froopy.

December 11, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterRamey

Golly, Santa... My perception of you is forever changed... O_O

December 11, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBADKarma

Sharyn, I loved your song! I especially loved the "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" reference. Today is my husband's 42nd birthday and that book is high on his list of favorites.
At least that "Santa's Hat" CCC wasn't pretending to be one cake- it is quite obviously a bunch of cupcakes smashed together to form a triangle. But still, stand alone cupcakes are so popular right now why must the wreckerators try to pretend they are something else?

December 11, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterRikki

The first one looks like a deli tray to me, with artfully places slices of provolone cheese. Perfect for a Christmas cake.

And number 3 has me completely stumped. No.clue.whatsoever.

December 11, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJulie

Wow, Sharon, it DOES look like an incomprehensible grill CCC with snow on it. I feel better about my brain (grills don't resonate with me as a festive icon at any time of year) and worse about The State of Cake.

December 11, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKittymama

Woah, Santa! So that's why we have our gifts in stockings?? Who knew?

What is that white thing in No.3?

December 11, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterCaroline B

ooh sorry to spark an potential epcot, but in France the king cake or 'galette des rois' is for 12th night... http://www.cakebaker.co.uk/bake-french-christmas-cake-galette-des-rois.html
:)

December 11, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterLydia

Rikki, your husband turns 42 today and is a Hitchhiker fan?? Buy him a towel and make sure the cake says "Don't Panic! The Answer is 42". Oh, then post a picture of the resulting wreck, because you know the decorator will mess that one up! ;-)

December 11, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterLana B

I must say, in fairness to CCCs *patooie* (why would one be fair to CCCs? They're not fair to us.) that the very first flower cake was *this close* to being a really lovely CCC of a flower with beautiful petals until it was ruined by the Christmas lights flotsam. Luckily those lights saved me from having to adjust my world view and reconsider the much maligned CCC. Malign away Jen!

Plus, no matter how pretty, that CCC would be impossible to eat. Patooie indeed!

December 11, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterTricia

My family had a Christmas caroling party for years that was quite ecumenical, with Jewish and Muslim friends attending. One Jewish friend made a kugel every year that, yes, became known as the Christmas Caroling Kugel. So the German Nikolo tradition aside, oddly enough, I'm actually quite familiar with a kugel - in the Ashkenazi Jewish sense - at Christmastime. It brings back great memories!

December 11, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterZoe

Cake #3 is a stocking with candy canes.

December 11, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJes

I think the white CC with the brown icing and red sprinkles is actually a polar bear that's been run over by a reindeer. He was just walking back from the Coke machine Christmas eve! You may not get that Santa was a bishop, but as for me and Frosty, we believe!


Serious moment is serious: Santa Claus comes for a corruption of the northern European pronunciation of Sinter Nicolaus (drop the Ni from Nicolas and the "R" from Sinter and you pretty much can figure out where the name "Santa Claus" came from). Saint Nicolas was a late 3rd Century/early 4th century bishop known for his miracles (gotta love the pickle boys one!) in and around present day Turkey. Yes, Santa Claus is actually Turkish. The idea of giving presents (and why we hang stockings near the fireplace!) is a play on one of the stories about Saint Nicolas.

A man had three daughters and no sons. He was too poor to marry them off since he didn't have enough for a dowry. Without a dowry, the girls could not be married properly and would most likely need to resort to prostitution in order to live unless a miracle happened. Saint Nick was from a wealthy family and he would often give gifts to the poor. Hearing about the daughters' plight, Saint Nick threw three bags of gold either through a window or down a chimney - a bag for each daughter- so they could be married off properly. This is why we often think of Santa Claus as coming down the chimney with gifts.

December 11, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterIsabella

I think #3 is supposed to be a stocking. If you look at the left side with your head tilted, it has candy canes sticking out of it.

December 11, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterQuin

The baby in the king cake is representative of Jesus so even though this cake is usally seen around Lent it is also made around Christmas and Epiphany.

December 11, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJes

I have the feeling we're just teetering on the edge of grabbing canned goods and a case of water and heading for the Epcot bunker.

December 11, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSaraV

Cake #3 looks like a poor representation of a stocking with two candy canes poking out. Imagine rotating it to the right and rounding the corners and Ta-Da! :)

December 11, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJen R

The white cupcake cake is the first wreck i haven't been able to identify.
I've turned my head, squinted and even roatated the image, but i can't figure it out.
i do like the suggestion that it is a mall parking lot...

December 11, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterNiki in Baltimore

Is it possible that cake #3 is on its side? when I look at it sideways, those dark brown splotches kind of look like a white sheep (or maybe an albino baboon), and a big-headed camel looking through the window. The rest of it, no idea.

December 11, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterCybrczch

All I see on the first one is potato chips.

December 11, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterEvie

By Jove, Quin - you're right!

#3: rotate object 90 degrees clockwise. The brown things that are now on top "are" "candy" "canes." It would appear to be a very fluffy, sheepish parking lot that is trying to disguise itself as a stocking.

December 11, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKarin

*runs for the bunker, laughing all the way*

December 11, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterDegera

Dashing through the bakery
In a one wonky-wheeled cart
Through the aisles we flee
Spying wrecky art
.
Christmas lights on flow'rs
For eating cake atnight
What fun it is to try'n swoller
A glass-filled cake tonight.

Chorus:
Wrecky sells, wrecky sells
Wreck 'em all the way,
Oh what fun it is to write
In tasty yellow snow, Hey! O
Wrecky sells, wrecky sells
Wreck 'em all the way,
Oh what fun it is to write
In tasty yellow snow, Hey!

I trained my sheep to go
Deliver gifts, that's right!
But soon he saw headlights
The little sheep just cried;
The truck was big 's-a tank
The sheep began to trot,
He ran into a drifted bank
And there he got kerplopped!

I thought you all should know
Santa's hat, while swell,
Not made of cloth, oh no,
But tiny little elves;

A King Cake, it comes nigh
No word ag'in it I'll say
King Cake people are
To-ouched in the head!

Kugel-Nikolo, Hey!
What here's not quite right?
Your 'hat'? no not wrong,
Your curly gold 'wand'?
It'stha boobies you've got on!

Nevermind what they say,
Gather your plastic dreck,
Your pumkin pans and outdoor lighting!
You'll make a wreck!

December 11, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAndrea

Okay, I've studied that third one for a while, and I think if you rotate it 90 degrees right, it's a Christmas stocking - with white toe and heel and fuzzy cuff with a candy cane coming out the top along with some other random bits I can't even imagine being anything. All that white stuff looks like frosted popcorn or something. Quite a puzzle, it's like they did this on purpose...

December 11, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterVicki

Sharyn bahahahaha

December 11, 2012 | Unregistered Commentermindy1

thought maybe #3 was a Zamboni but after reading the posts I took think it is a stocking

December 11, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJoanne

Haha! I actually witnessed #3 in person and even took a picture but forgot to send it in!! Glad someone was on top of that!

December 11, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJulie

Ding ding ding ding ding! I think Jes, Quin, and Jen R got it! I can even see the stripes on the incredibly festive brown candy canes.

December 11, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKittymama

OMG - #3 *is* a stocking with candy canes in it! Good golly. I thought it was a football "diamond" with a football helmet weirdly drawn on the left side, and snow mountains surrounding the field. Which is all kinds of wrong.

December 11, 2012 | Unregistered Commenteretselec

Papal Zombies: This Time They're Infallible


Sorry,wrong post...

December 11, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSuBee

@meeshybee: The European tradition of St. Nikolas is a little different than the American one. Apparently, they believe St. Nick was a bishop. And furthermore, he has little to do with Christmas - they celebrate his day on a different date altogether (at least my Swiss friends do). The Bishop's headdress and the scepter in his boob hand are very typical.

December 11, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSkeptic

Lydia -- yes, the Galettes des Rois are supposed to be for the 13th janvier -- but I've been seeing the stupid things in the stores since November! I refuse to buy or make them until AFTER 1 janvier! (then I swear there's one in my oven every day!)

I think the Kuegel-Nikolo are adorable -- but then, I'd already seen Nikolo on trips to Germany, and I speak enough German to know that a kuegel is a ball....

December 11, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAnna Nimous

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